Am I worrying too much?

[hopemax]

At least to me your comments kinda took on a general tone and sorta sounded like the only option was to say no. Fair if that's your opinion most of us are just saying families need to do what is best for them which is nowhere near black and white. And apologies if that's not your intent

Even in your above comment you say "I imagine she does want to be around in the future to participate in her grandkids lives." as if the only option is to say no because by saying yes means she won't be around (as in that's a finality). Again you would be considered disrespectful for acting like my step-father-in-law doesn't want to be around in the future to participate in the grandkids lives but also wants to live and be around the grandkids now"

Many of these elders aren't saying are they don't want to be there for years to come but like so many days of our lives (no connection to the soap opera intended lol) we make decisions. I do get your point in having these discussions but many times people don't lay it out in a non-impartial way..it's laid out in such a way that the only answer acceptable to them that is is to say no regardless of how someone else feels in the matter. What some of us are saying is be respectful in that choice.

You conflated two different paragraphs. In the best of both worlds, I would assume all grandparents would want to be there, both now and in the future. But everybody is not going to get the "best or both worlds" option. It's not acting like someone doesn't *want* the positive outcome by asking if they are *willing to accept* the consequences of the negative outcome.

OP is here asking for help, so I provided a question, with multiple answers that might help *her* feel more confident in her decision, by answering it for herself (which might not even be one of the two I said). I'm not going to randomly, go up to some older or vulnerable person and lecture them. I would presume that have gone through some thought process. But if somebody *asks*, I would answer with make sure they are considering the entirety of possible outcomes, and offer questions that might help do that. What I would say to OP vs your step-father-in law would be different, because one asked. My response to OP does not apply to him or anyone else who hasn't asked. And just in case it's not clear, the answer to your step-father-in law would be "say nothing," because I wasn't asked.

EDIT: Also to be clear, in my previous post when I referenced "his answer," I meant the one in his own head. Not one that needed to be vocalized.

 

[brockash]

I have no idea if they are upset or ungrateful. but to have your mother/MIL watch your kids from what a PP said sometimes 50 hours a week and not give them a dime is crazy.

My mom loves spending time with DD she was her first grandchild and she has helped us tremendously in raising her. My daughter loves spending time her and they have an amazing bond. My mom does not expect money and would not take it before either but i would quick pay her to her account or venmo and now she uses that on her own "me time" money or she spends it on DD which i have told her not to but there is no point to that lol.

If I were to pay a baby sitter or day care I would probably not be working. So I am thankful my mom had the availability to watch her and I have always told her that if she can't watch her to just let me know and we will figure it out especially with DD being a bit older now. I do not pay her a lot because she will send it right back lol so I just make up for it when we go on vacations and pay their hotel and flights.

We should all be appreciative of what others do for us. Especially when they do it with out expecting a thing back. Which is what most parents do for their kids and grand kids,

Are the not giving or is she not accepting? Just because you think it's crazy doesn't make it fact for everyone. I know a decent amount of ppl who has the grandparents watch their kids while they're at work and after a commute of any time, most of them would be at least 50 hrs. a week and the grandparents won't take any money. I won't lie, there have been times that I've been a little jealous of ppl with those arrangements, much like my own sisters. Just because it wouldn't be acceptable to you (either watching your grandkids or taking yours to grandparents) doesn't mean it doesn't work for other ppl.

 

[brockash]

50 hours a week with several children is more than a full time job. I don't fault her for not ASKING to be paid, but I fault her kids for not INSISTING on paying her. She could turn around and put that money right into a college fund for those kids if she wanted, but 50 hours a week of free childcare is ridiculous.

Lol...again just because it's ridiculous to you doesn't make it so. You have no idea what their family dynamics or finances are...this is certainly not unheard of...it happens a decent amount. To each their own...that's not even the issue or question. OP has done that for years and is obviously fine with it...her question was about continuing to watch them once they went back to school and covid. Like I said she certainly shouldn't if she's not comfortable with it, but we also shouldn't be judging her about the choices she's made in the past to care for her grandkids.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

You conflated two different paragraphs. In the best of both worlds, I would assume all grandparents would want to be there, both now and in the future. But everybody is not going to get the "best or both worlds" option. It's not acting like someone doesn't *want* the positive outcome by asking if they are *willing to accept* the consequences of the negative outcome.

OP is here asking for help, so I provided a question, with multiple answers that might help *her* feel more confident in her decision, by answering it for herself (which might not even be one of the two I said). I'm not going to randomly, go up to some older or vulnerable person and lecture them. I would presume that have gone through some thought process. But if somebody *asks*, I would answer with make sure they are considering the entirety of possible outcomes, and offer questions that might help do that. What I would say to OP vs your step-father-in law would be different, because one asked. My response to OP does not apply to him or anyone else who hasn't asked. And just in case it's not clear, the answer to your step-father-in law would be "say nothing," because I wasn't asked.

EDIT: Also to be clear, in my previous post when I referenced "his answer," I meant the one in his own head. Not one that needed to be vocalized.

Presumably you feel that way to anyone right? That's what I was speaking to..yes you might be giving the OP advise but it would appear how you feel about other situations. Though I wasn't suggesting you would actually go up to someone random.

I think maybe what got my train of thought in a specific place is saying/asking "are healthy and alive to be a participant in their lives for the next 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, however long you have? "What is your plan for childcare if I am hospitalized or dead?" "Are you okay with potentially not being there in the future?" which have an air of personal judgement behind them and as if they haven't come to that decision that they would rather spend the time with their family than apart for however long. Quite frankly many of our elders are likely at this point where you'd be unlikely to change their minds (such that even the OP mentions about their own family)--darned if you do darned if you don't there.

Either way I'll just chalk it up to wires crossed and move on

 

[hopemax]

Presumably you feel that way to anyone right? That's what I was speaking to..yes you might be giving the OP advise but it would appear how you feel about other situations. Though I wasn't suggesting you would actually go up to someone random.

I think maybe what got my train of thought in a specific place is saying/asking "are healthy and alive to be a participant in their lives for the next 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, however long you have? "What is your plan for childcare if I am hospitalized or dead?" "Are you okay with potentially not being there in the future?" which have an air of personal judgement behind them and as if they haven't come to that decision that they would rather spend the time with their family than apart for however long. Quite frankly many of our elders are likely at this point where you'd be unlikely to change their minds (such that even the OP mentions about their own family)--darned if you do darned if you don't there.

Either way I'll just chalk it up to wires crossed and move on

This comment was the potential me being in the "elder" situation. So yeah, you can call that personal. So I would be your FIL of the OP in this scenario, and your generation or OP children would be the ones theoretically attempting to override the "elder's" decision. Since it seems like OP's struggle is in the potential blowback. If there is potential blowback, I'm saying, if I was the elder I would be that blunt about it. So actually I was agreeing with the position that the elder has rights. And that's why I phased it in a "what I would do," and not "OP, you should tell your kids." The part following the bolded in my post, was an implied YMMV.

So yes, definitely wires crossed.

 

[luvnwdwgal]

She said she has never taken any money, she didn't say she was never offered any.

They did offer to pay me but I refused it.

 

[Hikergirl]

They did offer to pay me but I refused it.

OP you don't own anyone here an explanation of the arrangements you have with your family. You didn't come here seeking advice or judgment about being paid or not.
I hope it all works out for the best.

 

[SRQ57]

Nonna of three (soon to be four) here. I love them all dearly. I help when I can and at MY convenience. I work two - three days a week. If they need a baby sitter and it's my day off, that's great. They get dropped and picked up at our home. That being said, It is not your job to raise your grandchildren. Been there, done that. Whatever their financial issues, it is the responsibility of your children. Not you and your husband, especially given the circumstances of having to care for elderly parents. It's too much stress. You first responsibility, is to your own husband and marriage. Don't let that fall by the wayside trying to make everyone else happy. YOUR HEALTH and YOUR HUSBANDS HEALTH should be the priority. The kids need to work something out.

 

[EveDallas]

I have watched my granddaughter for 6 years. Twin boys also a little over 3 years - so three with one son. A little more than a year ago, my other son had his first so I quit my p/t job to help babysit for him too.

We watch the youngest two days a week (the other grandparents 2 days a week).
We watch the other three - one or two days a week. (also split the babysitting with the other grandparents).

I would never have them go to Daycare nor would my sons and daughter-in-laws. I think they would stay home before that happened. But that is us - no judging. Yes, they know they are blessed, lucky and we do not get paid. Would never even think of it. As tiring as it is, we love watching them and it is a huge responsibility.

I like how you insinuate that daycare would be the absolute worst option ever, then turn around and say "no judging".

 

[AnnaS]

I like how you insinuate that daycare would be the absolute worst option ever, then turn around and say "no judging".

I am not judging..............many parents have no choice for one reason or another. They have to do what they have to do. We had a choice, and our choice was for us, the grandparents to watch the kids. I worked a part time job.......if I had a full time job, my own kids at home, maybe for financial reasons, I might not have been able to give my time. But I can and I did.

Just like nursing home. I would have never put my parents in a nursing home and we did not. We had three people dying - two in hospice - my dad and my sister in hospice at home. Yes, I gave enemas to my sister, etc. etc. Six months of 24/7 care to all three. The few hours that the aides came, sat for the most part.
My choice. My in-laws - same thing. No nursing home. I am not judging others who put them in for whatever reason.

There are many circumstances where we might not have had a choice and might have had to give in and perhaps put one of them in a nursing home - but it did not come to that. It would have had to be the extreme. What someone else does - is their choice. I am not in their shoes.

People read and interpret posts the way they see fit - that's fine. That is your choice and your thinking. Think away.

Leaving soon to babysit my grandson - thank you. Peace, have a nice day and be safe.

I think the whole world is becoming bored at this point and we are all on the "internet" a little more. Our minds are playing with our heads

I wanted to add - when our turn comes - husband and I - my words/expression are, when it's our turn, our kids are going to "kick us onto the curb". It's just an expression. I love and they love us. Are they going to take us in? Probably not and don't expect them to.

A problem with this quote? Or me just asking this? Want to analyze, pick on my words - your are more than welcome.

 

[Miffy]

OP: Are you worrying too much? I'd say that you're not worrying enough, although I wouldn't call that "worrying"--I'd call it "reasonable concern." You're at risk, the kids are going to be spending all day in a highly risky situation, and you're feeling guilty? If this is about guilt, think how guilty the kids' parents would feel if you and/or your DH came down with covid and were very ill, hospitalized, or worse?