Am I too understanding or not understanding enough?

[ajk912]

Ok, I keep going back and forth whether I am too understanding of my lazy DH or not understanding enough of how hard he works all day. Please tell me your thoughts!

So he works about 60 hours a week. He works on his feet, not always in A/C, so I know it can get hot. I am trying to be understanding that he just wants to veg out when he gets home. But he has a family, too. He'll come home at 5pm or so after being at work for 12 hours, and he will lay on the couch and watch tv and not get up at all. He is always too tired to do anything on his days off, so the kids and I just do our own thing. My friends' DH's help cook or clean..do laundry, play with the kids. My DH would do NONE of this.

Today I was more POed than usual, because he got home at 4pm, and didn't even really say hi to any of us. I took the kids to Vacation Bible School (he doesn't have an interest in church) and of course, he didn't want to go. I came home, he's just laying around. It annoys me, because he seems SOOO lazy. But I know he works hard..but seriously, I would think you are lazy one day, you be a family guy the next night..or work out a schedule, you know?

We have been married 10 years, and it's a constant battle and a huge soft spot with me. In typical girly mode, I want him to want to hang out with us, so if I nag him to death to do family stuff and he does it just to make me happy..well, that's not even worth it to me. So I don't bring up the subject until I want to explode with frustration. So then I explode, he gets better for a few months, than back to couch boy all the time. It's real annoying when this happens, of course. Make sense? Oh, he does want to go to Disneyworld, though, in case anyone is wondering..

And I know what some of you guys may be thinking, currently I don't work. I quit my fulltime job last August because I was fed up with doing 100% of the childcare arrangements, pickups, dropoffs, all the housecleaning, laundry, etc. My DH had refused to help me with the kids, saying he was too busy, and I got fed up and quit my job. He really doesn't want me to work, because he wants a reason to be lazy..make sense? But I still think he should buck up. The kids are 8, 7, and 4 if it makes a difference.

 

[mommasita]

First off

When we first married we both worked somewhat close to that, 60 to 80 hrs per week. We had our children fast and young. My DH was somewhat the way you describe yours to be. It was hard as heck for me. I found it hard, lonely, and hid so much from people close to me, as they always had a comment (and it made me feel MUCH worse)..I learned then NEVER to compare my lives to others, as there really is no comparison, and it does nothing good IMHO.

We both changed our lifestyles and eating habits. He lost 125 lbs in doing so, and we became a MUCH better and CLOSER family. Although he had put that weight on slowly, we did not realize what a damper it did for us, and our children. He was able and willing to do so much more!!!!

I have no idea on your lifestyle or eating habits, and would never want to judge, but could this possibly change for the better? I would never have guessed what a difference it makes.

My DH works full time and I only 3 days per week, so I do most chores, shopping, children's stuff, and honestly I prefer it this way. We do many family things together now, but I know when he is tired, and will just lay off.

I hope you find a solution and offer more

 

[scanmom]

I can see how this could be VERY frustrating for you... and I can see why he wants to veg out on the couch. But, he does need to spend time.. quality time.. with the kids. He needs to find a good balance that is acceptable to both of you.
you need to sit down with him, when he is not exausted, and talk to him calmly and rationally. Do not yell, or cry, just let him know that you and the kids miss him and want to spend time with him, but allow him plenty of vegging out time too.

 

[minkydog]

It seems to me that there is something else underlying his behavior. A couple of things come to mind--was his father like this? Did he see his role in the family as the breadwinner only and was his mother in charge of running the home? Could he be depressed, perhaps using work to stave off feelings of anxiety or to avoid having to interact with you or the kids?

I agree with you that your hubby needs to step up to the plate, not only because you are putting in long days yourself, but because the children need him. If you can't light a fire under him, then perhaps you need to see a counselor who can help you work out what's going on and how you respond to a husband who has lost interest in interacting with the family.

 

[clh2]

60 hours a week is a lot of OT. Is it mandatory? Personally, I think he needs to reduce his workload, at least on occasion, in favor of his family.

 

[Boston Tea Party]

I'm there with you. My DH works unreal hours as well. And travels. For example, last week he was in London. He arrived home, stayed for 36 hours, and is now in Nevada until this weekend. Normally he leaves before we get up (5:30 AM) and comes home late in the evening - between 6 and 7. Usually one day a week he works "late" being anywhere from 10 until 2 AM. He is killing himself, I miss him, the kids miss him and I don't know what to do about it.

When I was young, I couldn't wait to grow up so that I could do what I wanted to. I didn't realize that being grown up would be so difficult! My mom made it look so easy.

You are not alone. I don't have any answers. But maybe it will help you in some small way to know that you are not alone.

 

[rentayenta]

My DH is a and works a 72 hour work week on average. He always contributes and is an active participant in our family. It sounds like your DH is not engaged in the family dynamics. The question you need to ask yourself is why?

 

[notsosnowwhite]

You are not wrong to feel frustrated.

I hear your frustration that he can work all week, be up on time for work and show active cooperation with his boss / coworkers, but cannot show this consideration to his own family. I'm sure you are feeling that you are not a priority in his life right now.

Nagging won't work. He needs to realize that he is checked out and that his priorities are out of whack. However, if there are underlying reasons (depression was mentioned) those need to be addressed.

Easier said than done, but it sounds like some counseling may really help you two.

 

[aprilgail2]

After working 60 hours a week I would not expect him to help with any of the housework (especially since you are a SAHM) but I sure as heck wouldn't want him sitting on his butt on the couch all evening and weekend long either! My dad used to leave for work at 5am and get home at 6pm- 13 hour days, and he still had time to coach my softball team and do things with us on the weekends!

 

[NMAmy]

Well, if he's working 60 hours a week, I don't think I'd use the word "lazy" to describe him. If I were working that much, I don't think I'd want to do much else but veg out either. DH and I both do about the same amount of work around the house but we both work outside the home. If I were at home, I'd do all the housework and if he stayed home, I'd expect him to do all the housework.

So, I guess my question is, WHY is he working that many hours? Does he feel he has to to support the family, is it just the nature of his job, or is that the amount of hours he wants to work? I would talk to him about cutting back the amount of hours he works, if that's possible, so he can have some energy left to spend time with the family, as well.

 

[ajk912]

Thanks guys! I don't know how to multiquote, so I will answer the questions like this. As for weight, I am about average, DH is overweight (250 lbs or so) but he has always been this way- it never occurred to me that that could make him tired? He did just have a physical within the last year, and suprisingly enough his blood pressure/heart all seem to be fine.

He's a salaried manager and a workaholic, so he does work a lot because he is on salary. I know some of it is by choice (he told me once, it almost seemed proudly, "I work more than anyone else in the building! ) Is that something to be PROUD of?

As for the role model thing..I NEVER made the connection, but his dad is like this, only 100% times worse. When his parents come and visit, I guess it does seem that I have him trained kind of well, just not well enough.

Not that I truly expect my DH to help with housework- but some of the kid duties after he is home, absolutely. Teeth brushing, bathing, that type of thing.

IMO, I do tell this time to time- you signed up to be a dad, not a bachelor, you can't live a bachelor life anymore.

 

[Disney Doll]

It seems to me that there is something else underlying his behavior. A couple of things come to mind--was his father like this? Did he see his role in the family as the breadwinner only and was his mother in charge of running the home? Could he be depressed, perhaps using work to stave off feelings of anxiety or to avoid having to interact with you or the kids?

I agree with you that your hubby needs to step up to the plate, not only because you are putting in long days yourself, but because the children need him. If you can't light a fire under him, then perhaps you need to see a counselor who can help you work out what's going on and how you respond to a husband who has lost interest in interacting with the family.

What minky said.
Is there an underlying reason he works 60 hour weeks? Is he avoiding being home? Is this learned behavior?

 

[dispor]

My DH is a and works a 72 hour work week on average. He always contributes and is an active participant in our family. It sounds like your DH is not engaged in the family dynamics. The question you need to ask yourself is why?

While I have a great respect for firefighters and the work that they do, I really don't think you can compare your dh's job and the OP's husband. Does the 72 hrs/wk your dh works also include his sleeping hours? Is he on his feet 60 hours a week? Does he get a 2 days off after every 3 he works? Unless he works in a dense urban area, how many actual hours of physical work is he doing?

To me, the stress of being a firefighter would be a MENTAL stress - never knowing when you are going out on a call - and what that call will mean. The OP is talking about the PHYSICAL exhaustion her husband must have after working 60 hours on his feet, with no a/c.

OP, I agree with the other poster who said to have a talk with your dh in a non-confrontational way. Maybe you can agree to a schedule such has him having one hour of down-time as soon as he gets home (such as a good "power nap" in another room, away from the kids and TV). Maybe nothing expected of him on Friday evenings.

Just out of curiosity - was he likes this before you married him? If so, I think it will be a very hard habit to break.

Sorry I can't be of more help...

 

[noodleknitter]

Obviously it was something to be proud of in his life.

Fun activities are important. Frankly, though, I wouldn't be whining if my husband was too tired to bath the kids. I know that there is a lot of down time even in the course of a mother's busy day.

 

[ajk912]

Just out of curiosity - was he likes this before you married him? If so, I think it will be a very hard habit to break.

Sorry I can't be of more help...

Yeah, I know now, it's learned behavior from his dad. Actually, he was like this before we were married, but I worked full time too so I didn't really notice. Plus, we got married when I was young (20) so I thought that was how it was suposed to be.

 

[Boston Tea Party]

He's a salaried manager and a workaholic, so he does work a lot because he is on salary. I know some of it is by choice (he told me once, it almost seemed proudly, "I work more than anyone else in the building! ) Is that something to be PROUD of?

Honey is that you? Maybe we have the same husband, he really doesn't work, he's just doing that secret family thing...

As for the role model thing..I NEVER made the connection, but his dad is like this, only 100% times worse. When his parents come and visit, I guess it does seem that I have him trained kind of well, just not well enough.

Never mind. My FIL's name is "Fetch and Tote!"

Not that I truly expect my DH to help with housework- but some of the kid duties after he is home, absolutely. Teeth brushing, bathing, that type of thing.

Have you tried trading days? You know, me Monday, you Tuesday, etc...

 

[ajk912]

Obviously it was something to be proud of in his life.

Fun activities are important. Frankly, though, I wouldn't be whining if my husband was too tired to bath the kids. I know that there is a lot of down time even in the course of a mother's busy day.

There's a lot of downtime at work, too. Not many employees I know are 100% productive 100% of the time. Even my workaholic hubby likes to play free poker online at work when it's slow. What's your point?

 

[ajk912]

Honey is that you? Maybe we have the same husband, he really doesn't work, he's just doing that secret family thing...



Never mind. My FIL's name is "Fetch and Tote!"



Have you tried trading days? You know, me Monday, you Tuesday, etc...

Heck, at this point I would be thrilled if one day out of the week he would pick up a toothbrush and brush someone's teeth. Or take the garbage out, just once, to be sweet and suprise me. BTW, that was suposed to be one of his "jobs" when we got married: I would do housework and laundry, he would be responsible for trash, lawn & car maintenance. He does..well..none of that. When I remind him, hey, isn't it about time that we had the oil changed? Next week turns into next week, till I finally do it.

And it's not even that he doesn't brush the kids teeth/give them baths/take them to the park or movies or toss a football around with my son. It isn't even really about that. It takes me 2 minutes to brush their teeth. I take them to the park and pool all the time. I want him to want to do it. I want him to want to spend time with his kids, instead of watching another tv marathon. I know I felt guilty as heck when I would work all day and come home and not play a game or hang with my kids, or talk about their days, or whatever. I don't see how you can NOT be like this just because you are a parent, you know? Don't you WANT to be around your kids? That's what I don't get.

 

[Christine]

There's a lot of downtime at work, too. Not many employees I know are 100% productive 100% of the time. Even my workaholic hubby likes to play free poker online at work when it's slow. What's your point?

Not all jobs have downtime. My husband is an electrician who puts in a minimum of 40 hours per week. He is on his feet ALL day with only a few very short breaks. They don't stop, they don't sit down and get on a computer, they don't goof off. Many jobs are like that but all agree that most office jobs have a good amount of downtime.

To the OP: While some people can work a 60-hour week and be energetic and engaged when they come home--not everyone can. I work a 40 hour week and when I do more, I get burned out REAL fast. I basically sit on the couch when I get home. He may not have the personality to be able to pull that kind of work week and still be human when he gets home. Not many can.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Find common ground between you. Do stuff once a week, just the 2 of you.

I know easier said than done. However I find it is a good way to begin a change.

Since my kids are now 11 & 17, we have more freedom and that does help. 3 young kids under 10 is tough.

Hang in there, your family dynamic will change.