Am I overreacting?

[Jennasis]

Oh honey...

You already know what you have to do. The snooping, the lack of trust...your driving him away before he can "hurt" you like the ex did.

You need to see a counselor/therapist to work through your trust issues.

Best of luck to you.

 

[ohiomom28]

I have been talking to him on IM for the last 30 minutes about it. (We are both at work)
Mostly about my trust issues. Telling me to let the past stay in the past. He says I need to be more optimistic and look toward the future. We are planning a vacation for Spring, he isn't going anywhere. I could kick myself for even doubting him!

 

[ChrizJen]

Well I think this is where I feel differently about things. Some of the men here reference "girl" friends they have known since high school, but this was someone who came back into his life in June and is now contacting him every day. I think that is different than someone who has been a girl-friend for 20-some years.

I am not trying to add fuel to the fire and perhaps I am not trusting after what I went through with my husband, but i've had a woman friend of mine and my husband's flirt with my husband right in front of my face. It happens. She bought him gifts (!?) as well.

I can completely see communicating daily with a friend with whom you haven't had contact in years. ESPECIALLY someone with whom you haven't had contact in years. There's a lot of catching up to do when you meet back up with old friends. Trying to make up for lost time. My partner and I have recently both met up with old friends from our past, and we both talk with these people regularly. May partner and I are both secure enough in the solid foundation of our relationship that we know nothing's going to happen.

Look, the bottom line is that I think trust is one of the biggest things in a relationship (possibly THE biggest thing in my opinion). It should be there. When you make a commitment to a person (whether it be marriage, exclusive dating, moving in with one another, etc.), you both have to have a certain level of comfort in that commitment. There has to be a mutual trust that neither is going to do anything to dishonor that commitment. If there's not a solid foundation of trust, there cannot be happiness. Period. Unfortunately it's the part that sucks the most (but also can be the most beautiful part) about being in a grown-up human relationship. You have to put yourself out there and be WORTHY of another's trust, but you also have to GIVE that same level of trust to another person. You have to let your guard down. And for someone who's been hurt before, it's a very difficult thing to do. But it's necessary. That's why it takes a while to make a serious commitment. You have to know the person well enough to know if they can be trusted. Once you've made it to the commitment part of a relationship, you should already know whether your partner is worthy of your trust.
If there is jealousy or suspicion on the part of either partner, the relationship cannot work. The jealousy/suspicion needs to be addressed. Both for your sanity and for the sake of the relationship.

 

[Serena]

Oh honey...

You already know what you have to do. The snooping, the lack of trust...your driving him away before he can "hurt" you like the ex did.

You need to see a counselor/therapist to work through your trust issues.

Best of luck to you.

Exactly. Regardless to whether you have a reason to trust him or not. You already know you have a problem and need help. Get a counselor, most are on a sliding scale.

 

[ChrizJen]

I have been talking to him on IM for the last 30 minutes about it. (We are both at work)
Mostly about my trust issues. Telling me to let the past stay in the past. He says I need to be more optimistic and look toward the future. We are planning a vacation for Spring, he isn't going anywhere. I could kick myself for even doubting him!

Sounds like you're on the right track. Please do try to find someone with whom you can work through these issues. It will keep coming back if you don't. As I said before, it's not a huge issue to work through, but if left to simmer, it can be a huge issue in your relationship.

 

[Stitchfans]

If there is no trust in a relationship then there isn't a relationship, or at least a good healthy one. (for the record, in case this was already said, no I did not read all of the posts)

But yes as said many times you should seek help before you ruin what you have. Good luck.

 

[mjkacmom]

Well I think this is where I feel differently about things. Some of the men here reference "girl" friends they have known since high school, but this was someone who came back into his life in June and is now contacting him every day. I think that is different than someone who has been a girl-friend for 20-some years.

I am not trying to add fuel to the fire and perhaps I am not trusting after what I went through with my husband, but i've had a woman friend of mine and my husband's flirt with my husband right in front of my face. It happens. She bought him gifts (!?) as well.

I agree. The snooping is wrong, regardless, but I would find it odd if my DH ran into an old friend, and then communicated with her numerous times each day. The only person DH has that kind of relationship with is me! I don't even have a gf that I call and email several times a day, and I have some close friends.

 

[lovepurple]

I guess I need therapy too because it would bother me if my husband was talking to another woman every day. They may be friends but I would worry that it would develop into something more. Especially if she is going through a divorce. Why do they need to talk every day?
I wouldn't say you are overly suspicious. I think since you have been burned before you are constantly looking for warning signs. You don't want to be caught with your guard down. But you should stop reading his email.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I guess I need therapy too because it would bother me if my husband was talking to another woman every day. They may be friends but I would worry that it would develop into something more. Especially if she is going through a divorce. Why do they need to talk every day?
I wouldn't say you are overly suspicious. I think since you have been burned before you are constantly looking for warning signs. You don't want to be caught with your guard down. But you should stop reading his email.

Would you have issues with your DH talking to a male friend every day??

 

[Imzadi]

First, you have been hurt in the past. When that happens, when we get back on that horse so to speak, it can be hard to completely let go of the pain and hurt we suffered in a previous situation. I think with some counseling, it could get easier. But you may just not ever be able to fully get to that point where you can say "oh this doesn't bother me at all".

OP, your trust issues are about your relationship with yourself not any one else. Sounds like you don't have emotional closure on the old relationship and mostly you don't trust that you WILL be able to pick up the proper cues for being cheated on and know when to get out.

I don't know how long ago that old relationship ended, but presumably you are older and wiser. You were probably naive before and trusted too much back then and didn't know what signs to look for.

Your current trust issues wouldn't happen just in this relationship. It would happen in all the ones you have untill you get this area healed. If you absolutely knew you could trust yourself to get out if you found you were being cheated on, would you need to live in such hyper-vigilance?

You're very afraid to get hurt again. That's very understandable. But your own actions will destroy this relationship. So you will lose him anyway. That is often a surefire way to protect yourself as you make sure you already know the ending, so you can be ready for it.

Couple of things spring to mind...

You are not ready to move forward for whatever reason. Only you know the answer there.

Or the relationship with your BF is not a match at this point in your life.

To be blunt, not everyone is going to be able to have an exgirlfriend in the picture due to character/life issues. Right or wrong, that is just reality. Accept your reality. If you can't stop checking up on him, you are going to have to let him go. You will drive each other insane.

Yes, on the other hand, talking with a newly rediscovered old friend everyday IS a bit unnerving. Especially when the woman is getting divorced and may be a little bit vulnerable right now, needing a shoulder to cry on. She may be leaning a bit more on BF than what is comfortable for you.

While, they may have a lot in common: he may be someone she can talk to about her STBX about, as she's probably run through all her friends already during the last several months, men like to be knights in shining armour. He may like having her lean on him in a platonic way. Yes, sometimes, that can lead to a situation where one person can stray over the line, and they start feeling more for each other.

That might be what you are afraid of. And because of it, this match between you, BF & new female friend might not be a good match. For what ever reason, and yours, because of a past cheating EX, you know why, this might not be a good situation for you. Some women have the self confidence and inner security to have a BF talk every day with a female friend. Some don't. It's up to you to decide (hopefully with counselling,) whether you can handle it or not, and honor that. Even if you can get counselling and be totally past your past relationship you might still not be comfortable with BF talking to a female friend every day.

I always find the wives of hot male celebrities very interesting. Some of them can handle the fact that women throw themselves at their mates every day, and in droves. Others can't handle it, even if they know their DHs wouldn't cheat. You have to know which one you are and honor that. Find a relationship that is right for you.

If this corresponding several times a day relationship means more to BF that he can't curtail it to a situation that is comfortable to you, then he's made his choice. We ALL come with baggage and past stuff and to a degree and need to accomodate each other. If he puts it all on to you, then you have your answer. Again, you need to find a relationship with a man who also honors your feelings and needs. You need to stop reading his emails, and maybe he needs to curb this friendship a bit.

 

[Scurvy]

I can completely see communicating daily with a friend with whom you haven't had contact in years. ESPECIALLY someone with whom you haven't had contact in years. There's a lot of catching up to do when you meet back up with old friends. Trying to make up for lost time. My partner and I have recently both met up with old friends from our past, and we both talk with these people regularly. May partner and I are both secure enough in the solid foundation of our relationship that we know nothing's going to happen.

I totally agree with this. I recently got back in touch with a guy that was one of my best friends in high school. We haven't talked in 10+ years but reconnected on Facebook. We email, text, and communicate on Facebook all the time now. Nothing is going to develop between us - we weren't interested in each other in a romantic way before and that hasn't changed. We're just good friends. Our families are going to get together in a couple of weeks and we are all looking forward to that. I'm also friends with a couple of my exes. My husband also has reconnected with some of his female friends. He and I chose each other, not these other people, and we are secure enough in our relationship with each other that neither of us is worried about these friendships.

So yes, OP, I do think you are overreacting a bit - but I can understand why you feel the way you do. You will just have to decide what you can be comfortable with, and if you want to be comfortable with your significant other having close female friends then maybe some sort of counseling would help. If you were to decide that you are not ever going to be comfortable with him having close female friends, then you might need to reconsider the relationship. I don't think it's fair for either of you to demand that the other change - if he enjoys having close friends of the opposite sex, he shouldn't have to stop that. But you also shouldn't have to put up with something like that if it makes you unhappy. I think relationships tend to work better if the two people have similar feelings about things like this.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

If you continue the behavior then you are going to lose him. He does not have to pay for you ex BF's sins. Seek counselling. If not this current BF will break up with you and you will only continue the behavior with the next guy that comes along and either have a life of turmultous relationships or be single for the rest of your life.

 

[lovepurple]

Would you have issues with your DH talking to a male friend every day??

Yes, I probably would.

 

[bumbershoot]

Very few people come into relationships as a clean slate. Either they've been in a relationship that didn't work out, or they grew up in a family where there was a relationship that did or didn't work out, etc etc. We all have influences.

I think it's lovely when each partner understands, accepts, and is gentle with their partner based on their past experiences.

I do know what it's like to have a bit of PTSD based on past stuff. I also know what it's like to have a partner who wishes nothing but the best for me, and does his utmost to help me through it. Doesn't hurt that my husband took an action while we were engaged that didn't much help with the PTSD (took off one day, moved his stuff out while I was at work). He got counseling shortly after that, realized that it was HIS stuff that HE needed to work on, and that he quite loved me and felt horrible for doing that.

As he got counseling to work on his own stuff, I remembered counseling that I had had in my past to work on my stuff. In the past, my dad actually paid for my counseling, once he truly realized how his nonsense had affected me and my relationships and choices in partners. Nothing says "I'm sorry" like paying 1000s towards your daughter's therapy!

Later we went into counseling together.

My husband had a short-lived marriage, only 9 months, where she ran up his credit cards then took off, supposedly to look for an apartment 2 states away, then dumped him. So when I have traveled on my own or with our son, I make sure he knows where we are. When I spend money, I let him know so he isn't surprised.

When my husband is late, he tells me ahead of time. We are in contact throughout the day. While he was moving out in '02, he had logged into work through a proxy server, so for a few years I was really nervous that he wasn't at work when he said he was at work, and he was NEVER annoyed when I got nervous.

His care for me got me (and us) through. If he'd been dismissive, it wouldn't have worked.

Our emails are open books to each other. Everything I post online, I'm not afraid for him to read. A friend, as she dumped our friendship, tried to start a fight between us by telling him things I had written...alas, I had told him those things *first*, so it didn't bother him. She failed at starting the argument, b/c we have an open-book relationship, while her own relationship was full of "oh I can't tell him THAT" nonsense, etc.

Both hubby and I have stuff in our past, so we made our relationship a very talky one, with no bad consequences to having worries, even though they are silly. For a few years I did have BIG overreactions to stuff! My friends thought I was being ridiculous. My now-husband didn't. He held me, helped me, he did everything he could to show me he wasn't the exes, and wasn't the guy that took off one day (we were out of contact for maybe 3 days, then started talking again, and he was in counseling inside of a week).

Before hubby, I dated a series of alcohol abusers and smokers (not tobacco), who seemed to enjoy cheating on me (or trying to cheat, which is really pathetic). My husband is the opposite of those things, but he's always been a good friend to women (he was the quintessential "good guy" to his female friends, that they never saw as boyfriend material until I started dating him), so he is around women, and he's always VERY careful to tell me exactly what women he is friends with, how he knows them, etc. He takes my past into account. He also doesn't feel it's appropriate to have a close relationship with a woman, once you're married, and that definitely works for me.


With your guy, he isn't acknowledging your past, he isn't taking good care of your heart, IMO, from what I read on the first page. If he wants you to be healthy, he should be helping you. If helping means being an open book, or by curtailing his daily talking, or supporting you in having counseling to let go of your past, etc etc etc, he should be doing those things.

If HE were having bad reactions to things you did b/c of past stuff, wouldn't you want to help him through, not just be annoyed that he was reacting to you through the filters of his past?

 

[Ciao Mickey]

She isn't an old girlfriend. They were good friends a long time ago and she married his old best friend. They hadn't spoken in probably 8-10 years when we ran into her.
I honestly trust him to not cheat on me but I know how friendly emails can change into something else. But I also have to look at it like he does...If he was trying to hide it from me, he wouldn't invite her to our house or out with us.

You have got to be kidding?

I could write a book about people I've known who had carried on affairs with women/men who were well aquainted with their spouses/girlfriends/boyfriends.

Famous last words "you don't trust me...."

I disagree with the advice given you.

You are not overreacting by feeling the way you do. I would not like my husband/boyfriend talking to an old girl "friend" who is in the midst of a nasty divorce. Tell this chick to find someone else's shoulder to cry on. Tell your bf to knock it off.

What bothers me the most is, he knows how you feel about the situation, and yet he continues to email this "friend" every day. That in itself should tell you all you need to know about your relationship at this time.

 

[threecrazykids]

[/B]


You have got to be kidding?

I could write a book about people I've known who had carried on affairs with women/men who were well aquainted with their spouses/girlfriends/boyfriends.

Famous last words "you don't trust me...."

I disagree with the advice given you.

You are not overreacting by feeling the way you do. I would not like my husband/boyfriend talking to an old girl "friend" who is in the midst of a nasty divorce. Tell this chick to find someone else's shoulder to cry on. Tell your bf to knock it off.

What bothers me the most is, he knows how you feel about the situation, and yet he continues to email this "friend" every day. That in itself should tell you all you need to know about your relationship at this time.

I understand your point, however there are people in this world (men and women alike) who are simply "jealous people". Does this mean that your spouse can't have friends of the opposite sex EVER? Everything can lead to something more, but if all you do every day is worry about what COULD happen...the problem is the insecure person, not the person who is fully capable of carrying on a friendship with someone of the other sex.

Again, i see what you're saying but he shouldn't have to ditch every friend he has because she's continually jealous...regardless of how long he's known someone.

 

[ohiomom28]

We talked a little more on IM, but he made me promise not to bring any real problems I have up unless we were face to face again. I have promised not to live in the past and really try to get past this. And also to not accuse him of anything when he hasn't done anything wrong. I can't make him pay for what my ex did to me. He says he will work with me and not against me as well. He knows what I went through. I still deal with the jerk, we have a child together. I am going to do everything I can to not even be tempted to check his email. I can't, its eating me up inside!

Thanks for everyone's advice. It really helped me through a tough day at work!

 

[daisax]

I can't make him pay for what my ex did to me. He says he will work with me and not against me as well. He knows what I went through. I still deal with the jerk, we have a child together. I am going to do everything I can to not even be tempted to check his email. I can't, its eating me up inside!
:

I think you should remove temptation, and ask him to change his password(s) and not tell you what they are. In the meantime, seriously -- get counseling. It can be the best thing in the world to do for yourself and your relationship.

 

[Sandy22]

Yes, on the other hand, talking with a newly rediscovered old friend everyday IS a bit unnerving. Especially when the woman is getting divorced and may be a little bit vulnerable right now, needing a shoulder to cry on. She may be leaning a bit more on BF than what is comfortable for you.

My level of concern would depend on the contents of the e-mails. My husband and I are each other's best friends - I would be greatly concerned if in the e-mails they were providing emotional support to one another - it's not appropriate (depending on how serious your relationship is) and it's too easy to cross a line into an emotional affair - especially because the other woman is going through a divorce.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

I understand your point, however there are people in this world (men and women alike) who are simply "jealous people". Does this mean that your spouse can't have friends of the opposite sex EVER? Everything can lead to something more, but if all you do every day is worry about what COULD happen...the problem is the insecure person, not the person who is fully capable of carrying on a friendship with someone of the other sex.

Again, i see what you're saying but he shouldn't have to ditch every friend he has because she's continually jealous...regardless of how long he's known someone.

Of course spouses can have friends of the opposite sex.

But the op is apparently not comfortable with this particular relationship, and in my mind, the bf should respect that and distance himself from the old friend.