Am I Crazy??? Advice needed!

[Rora]

This is long.. here we go:
DF and I have decided that Disney is definitley the way to go for the wedding. Yesterday DF told me that he really wanted an intimate wedding so I say "Okay sure! How many people?"... "8".. "what?" .."yes, just our immediate family".. okay, now we have always wanted a smaller wedding, 40 people or less, but 8?! Then he tells me that having a really small, family only wedding is the only thing he cares about, aside from actually marrying me.

I have just one issue (and I hope someone can offer me some advice):
I have some extended family members that are very important to me.. my aunt, uncle, and 3 cousins who are more like siblings to me. I can just envision these people never speaking to me (and my parents) again because they weren't invited to the wedding. In addition to them, I have a set of grandparents (yes, DF didn't even include the grandparents, lol) who would be devastated if they didn't get to attend.

DF doesn't have any extended family so doesn't really understand why I'm debating this idea. He is really adamant about just wanting immediate family only.

How do we handle this situation?? I would like my extended family to be able to celebrate with us, but at the same time- they are anti-Disney (and very verbal about it), and rarely pleased with any family event (and they make that pretty verbal too). We don't want to have to worry about these people putting a damper on the wedding but we also don't want to offend anyone or create a family rift.

Any ideas, opinions, or good thoughts would be so appreciated! Thank you in advance and if you've read all of this, wow- .

 

[myprincessgirlisa]

alot of girls do an intimate wedding @ wdw & then have an "at home reception" & they get the best of both worlds!!

DH has a HUGE family & mine is "normal" sized....
Yes some people were upset, but i wasnt getting married for them,,,it was for me & DH
We told family that this is what "we" wanted & they could come to wdw & participate, but we werent having a huge wedding/reception...well im happy to report, they are all still talking to us & alot of them said it was really cool!!

i think the intimate & at home reception is a great option for you!!!

 

[Petals & Pixie Dust]

I am in a similar situation...but for different reasons if that makes much sense. Anyway, we decided on an immediate family only function-which leaves out people that are important to me. I've opted for a DFTW with home reception. BF hates the home reception part-he doesn't like to be "on display"-but I told him that if he got his intimate wedding, then I get to share it with those I love too.
My mom taught me that sometimes you just have to make it their decision. Probably the best advice I've ever received. My mom isn't on the boards so HEY MOM! YOU WERE RIGHT! (Don't tell her...I'll never live that one down ) but whenever I get the chance I sneak in there things like "Ok I know you want to mickey mouse cake-you can have it. For the home reception, I get the swirly pretty cake."
Suprisingly enough, this works very well with my mother too...She wants my hair down I want my hair up. So, "I'll wear my hair down b/c it can be very warm and I get sick if I get too hot and I'm not going to get sick on my wedding day (this is true and she knows it) Then at the home reception, I'll wear it down." See best of both worlds.

It can be done. You just have to make it his idea. Hope that helps.

 

[JandJ]

Yes some people were upset, but i wasnt getting married for them,,,it was for me & DH

Exactly!! We had 8 guests at our wedding and it was perfect! DH and I wanted our wedding to be very small and only the people we cared about the most to be there hearing us say our vows. I know that won't work for most people but it was what we wanted. We did not invite the grandparents either (didn't want his there and I only have one left and he cannot travel). The one person I would have regretted not being there was my Godmother, who is more like a grandma to me. My mom passed away 4 months before our wedding so having my Godmother there was very special.

We didn't have an at-home reception, although we initially planned one at a gorgeous hall near where my parents lived, but when my mom passed we just couldn't bring ourselves to have a big party. But I do think that is a great compromise

I think at most Escape/Intimate locations you can have up to 13 or 15 guests, so you can accommodate most of your family. See if you can compromise with DF to have a few more guests but still keep it very small. Where you run into trouble, I think, is when you say "oh I want cousin #1 there, then we have to invite her hubby too, and if I invite her and not cousin #2 everyone will be mad, blah blah blah." Next thing you know you're at 50 people! I used the Disney Intimate Wedding rules for our specific location to my advantage - "sorry, Disney only allows 8 guests." If these people truly care about you they will understand. I found out who really cares a year later when one of my cousins, who I thought I was really close to, didn't invite me to her daughter's wedding because I didn't invite her to our wedding. She said she understood why they weren't invited! People can be petty so be prepared for some of that.

 

[bridetobe789]

I think it is a great idea to have an at home reception. If that isn't a great option for you maybe you can talk to your FI and explain to him how important it is to you to have a few more people since the escape collection allows 20 which includes you and him. If the family is truly that supportive maybe they will give into the disney idea and be happy for you guys and respect how much it means to you! Let us know what happens!

 

[Lynn5700]

Do what makes you and DF happy! An Escape wedding is the way to go for the 2 of you. Good luck with everything and let us know what you noth decide on.

Honestly don't let what other people think about your wedding bother you..they can get over it.

 

[MistressOfAllEvil]

I think it is a great idea to have an at home reception. If that isn't a great option for you maybe you can talk to your FI and explain to him how important it is to you to have a few more people since the escape collection allows 20 which includes you and him. If the family is truly that supportive maybe they will give into the disney idea and be happy for you guys and respect how much it means to you! Let us know what happens!

+1

Sound like you would have 8 guests with your immediate family. Add your aunt, uncle & cousins and you're up to 13? Add the set of grandparents and you up to 15. You and your DF make 17. Well with in the limit of 20 for an escape wedding at a couple of the locations offered.

And ultimately, if the extended family are that against disney, it can be their choice to not come. But the big thing non-disney ppl don't understand is that a disney wedding isn't a mickey mouse operation. They are beautiful and elegant and amazing. So, if the extended family does come, maybe they'll see that and it might help to adjust their outlook??

We had an escape with just our immediate family and a couple of friends each. It was perfect. Just what I wanted. Now I'm suffering though an at home reception 6 months later to appease my MIL and I gotta tell you, it sucks. But I think that's because I don't want it. If you think you would like doing something like that, go for it. You could really make it nice.

 

[A whole new world]

I just wanted an intimate wedding it makes it more personal and memorable just being a few people. Were having 9 people. I have quite a large family and it would be hard to have cut it down too. I'm having a reception at home. More of a party really and invited about 80-100 so i get the best of both worlds.

 

[Rora]

Thank you everyone! I guess we really have 2 options: have an at home reception after the honeymoon OR just invite more of our family.

I would be more comfortable with just inviting about 6 more people considering DF and I really don't like to be on display (as someone else mentioned) at an at home reception for friends and family.

Now the big obstacle is convincing DF to invite just a few more people. Oh geez.

Or, we might just do what Lynn suggested and screw what everyone else thinks, lol.

Thanks again girls, I know I can always count on my DisBrides!!

 

[Lynn5700]

If you feel like the at home reception thing is not for you,don't feel pressured to do it....I felt pressured and was not what I really wanted. The whole thing stressed me out and I hated every minute planning it and I turned into Bridezilla...like I now understand why some of the girls on that show turn into one.


Yeah the reception was fun,but not worth all the stress I went through and made me be even more thankful that I had a disney wedding...if that was my actual wedding day as well I would have hated it.

The only plus from having it was that I got to see family who live ot of state and that was it...other than that I would never do that again.

 

[Rora]

If you feel like the at home reception thing is not for you,don't feel pressured to do it....I felt pressured and was not what I really wanted. The whole thing stressed me out and I hated every minute planning it and I turned into Bridezilla...like I now understand why some of the girls on that show turn into one.


Yeah the reception was fun,but not worth all the stress I went through and made me be even more thankful that I had a disney wedding...if that was my actual wedding day as well I would have hated it.

The only plus from having it was that I got to see family who live ot of state and that was it...other than that I would never do that again.

This is exactly what I don't want! Lol. Yes, it'd be great to see out of state friends and family but.. at the same time I don't know if it would be worth the stress. My mother is the one really pushing for a wedding somewhere other than Disney (she can't understand why I'm spending so much money for less than 20 people..) but she said that if we do get married at Disney she would really "like it if we had an at home reception!". Secretly I wish that it was my Future MIL that was pushing for an at home reception and a wedding somewhere other than Disney. Is that bad? lol
Again, thank you all and any more advice would be so appreciated!

 

[MistressOfAllEvil]

If you feel like the at home reception thing is not for you,don't feel pressured to do it....I felt pressured and was not what I really wanted. The whole thing stressed me out and I hated every minute planning it and I turned into Bridezilla...like I now understand why some of the girls on that show turn into one.


Yeah the reception was fun,but not worth all the stress I went through and made me be even more thankful that I had a disney wedding...if that was my actual wedding day as well I would have hated it.

The only plus from having it was that I got to see family who live ot of state and that was it...other than that I would never do that again.

+1,000,000 My at home reception is this Saturday and I've hated every moment of it. I didn't want it, it was my MIL who pushed for it. It has been a thorn in my side since before our actual wedding and I just can't wait for it to be over. I've managed to keep it more casual, because there was no way I wanted to be responsible for planning a formal or semi-formal event of this size. This is the primary reason we had an escape wedding at Disney. But really, I'm actually kind of embarrassed at how lame I feel like it's going to be. I'm sure it will all turn out fine, but it's nothing like what I would have done if I was really vested in the planning. I just hope that the party reflects on my MIL and not me as she is the host and it's at her home, etc...

 

[A whole new world]

I completely agree with you Lynn i've turned into a Bridezilla (poor DF ) because of my home wedding. The Disney wedding was so easy to do and everyone seems keen to help you. For my at home reception i've had the stress of finding a venue then swapping the venue, plus doing everything else and i'm sure none of the guests will appreciate it. Your guests never appreciate the $50 per head you spend on them

I'm not doing it really for myself (except that the chocolate fountain - thats for me)you just end up doing it to keep your family happy. I've found the guest list stressful because no matter how many you invite you always miss people off and get people complaining. So having the intimate wedding was great because your restricted to numbers so you have an excuse. I just wish i'd had the guts to say no to the at home reception and just spoil myself and DF with the money we would have saved.

 

[Rora]

Wendy- I hope your reception turns out better than you expect it to.

Bad news: I just spoke to DF and told him that I wanted to have more people at the wedding and he was very upset. He says he really just wants it to be immediate family only and that as long as it's immediate family only then other people "can't be offended". My wonderful DF is the sweetest man who has let me always do whatever I think is best and I really want to be able to just have immediate family only, for his sake. But I can't stop thinking about the family rift (I know I shouldn't assume that they will be angry but.. they will be lol). We've decided the at home reception isn't worth it.

So now where do we go from here? Should I keep trying to convince DF or just let it go and prepare ourselves for the family wrath? I sound like I'm over exaggerating but my cousins and aunt and uncle are possibly some of the most temperamental people.. in the world.

 

[A whole new world]

If it was me i would keep going on at my DF til he changed his mind It's not like your adding an extra 20 its only a couple and if your not having an at home reception its a small price to pay. You could always try the old 'as were doing away with the at home reception its not too much that i want a couple more guests'. Lol.

Or you could always say to the other guests that they could meet up for a dinner after the wedding so that for the cermony its just 'close family'. Some people have done that with there guests just met up afterwards.

 

[Rora]

Just a friendly 'bump' in hopes of some more opinions before the post disappears into the black hole- page 2!!

 

[Lavender_Blue]

I have a larger family than my DF, too, but he understands that just because my family isn't small, that doesn't mean we're not all very close. Plus I told him that it was important to me to get married to him in front of MY whole world as well as his.

It might not seem like much of a compromise to your DF, but if he gets to have who he wants there at the wedding, then you should be allowed to have who you want as well. He can think of it as a compromise.

That's really the only solution you have, I think, if you really want it that way.

Besides, how much of a difference to him will it really make if the people YOU want to be there are there at the wedding? It's BOTH of y'all's wedding.

To me a 'intimate wedding' is having the people you care about the most there when you are getting married to someone you love.

Tell him you consider your other relatives 'immediate family' - I never call anyone that isn't close to me 'extended.'

But if you really, really, REALLY have to please him...I'd talk it over with your family about alternatives they consider appropriate.

 

[disneychickforever]

I understand what you are saying. The first time we talked about it, my DBF told me he wanted a 30 person guest list for our wedding, but I come from a BIG family (My dad is 3 out of 4, mom is 6 out of 7, I have LOADS of cousins as a result, and everyone is easy to offend) Plus he wants to ask some podcast people to attend, and I'm like "um....okay then?"

I want a big wedding to accommodate my big family. I know most won't come (anti-Disney on this end too), but my view (and this is the best part about a Disney wedding imo), Don't want to come, use the excuse it's to expensive and save me money.

This is a good lesson for the two of you. Marriage is about compromise, so the wedding should be too. Explain that to him. The two of you are going to have to compromise A LOT in your marriage for it to survive, and I believe that compromise has to start at the wedding, since two people want two totally different things.

Best of luck! Keep us updated

 

[Rora]

Thanks girls! I guess I will just keep trying to convince DF. It IS about compromise and what difference is 7 guests really going to make. Plus, as Disneychickforever said, hopefully these extra 7 guests will find it too expensive to come but be delighted that they were offered! :

We'll see what happens. Again, thank you all so much!