Am I being unreasonable?

[pedro2112]

I would have to say "yes", you are being unreasonable. Your DH is painfully ill. He wants to go to WDW with you, but is asking you to wait.

Actually, no. He's not asking anything. In fact, according to the OP, most of the time he's doing quite well. I think there has been a lot of hand-wringing and gnashing of the teeth over the "possibility" that something bad will happen to force the issue. The fact of the matter is that it could happen to anyone... someone's DH could get violently ill, or fall and get injured, etc. I don't think anyone can state what they would or would not do without being put into this situation.

For example, in the OPs situation, lets say she never had this line of discussion with her DH. He's doing great all year and then two days before the trip his back goes out. He's in terrible pain and there is no way that he can go on vacation. He's ok to take care of himself, but he cannot under any circumstances travel. Who knows what he'll say. He may end up saying to OP and her DD, "go, have fun, I'll be ok." A lot of times we think we may know what we will do in certain cirumstances, but until it actually happens, we never know.

 

[Ali]

DH is upset and thought her decision to go without him was terrible. In my personal opinion the problem here is that the OP heard an answer she didn't want to hear and she is searching for validation for her decision from strangers on a message board instead of from her family, DH, or DD... But since she asked, yes she is being unreasonable with a person who is suffering from back spasms that make him immobile and yes he is being unreasonable to ask that a great trip already paid for be forfeited because he MIGHT have a back pain issue in December. Even if you wait until November I would think that if you had to cancel the most you would lose is one night's hotel room rental, or you would be asked to reschedule a new trip at the time if the cancellation. Don't know anything about plane tickets.

tHE MORAL OF THE STORY.. GET TRIP INSURANCE



This is the OP quoted- the basic information we were given...

We have a trip booked for Nov.29- Dec.6. Our DD8 birthday is Dec.1. It's just me, my DH and DD. Now let me back up and tell you my problem.

I told my DH that if his back acted up and he couldn't go on the trip that I still wanted to go with our DD. He thought I was terrible, and shouldn't want to go without him. And basically told me, No way were we going without him and it was awful that I would even suggest it.

So back to my question. Am I being unreasonable to want to go with our DD?

 

[HappyLawyer]

Ahem, I know this was a hyperbole, but I am a grown woman who is paralyzed and can take care of myself just fine.

I have the solution to your problem OP:

USE YOUR TRAVEL INSURANCE!!!!!!!

just really not seeing your point.

 

[In a hurry]

I think people are being really harsh, because they're projecting their own "sick styles" on you.

People are sick in different ways. When I'm sick, I want to be pretty much left alone -- no hovering, please. And the very last thing that I would ever want to do is keep people home from a good time. I've been sick on major holidays and told my family to go without me (one year we were hosting so it was quickly switched to another family's house and they went there instead). I was sick -- why would I ruin everybody else's day on top of it? So we could all be miserable together?

On the other hand, there are people who when they're sick need other people to be with them and can't imagine how they could even consider any social event without them present.

Sounds like you and your husband's styles don't match in this area -- doesn't make either one of you wrong. It's definitely something that should be worked out, however, and that means somebody's going to have to be the bigger person and let the other have his/her way.

As for "your fun is more than Daddy's pain" -- why not "sometimes things happen and people get disappointed, but Daddy knows he'll come with us next time" -- you could just as easily use it as a lesson in gracefully accepting disappointment and wishing others well, a valuable lesson in life.

Compassion comes where in your scenario? Compassion for hurt parent, or for selfish vacation...hmmmm? Dad just wants to take the "last vacation to WDW" with his daughter, and see her on her birthday. Pretty darn rude of him, I'll say! He also probably wanted to spend time with his wife... Again...what a selfish monster! And amazingly enough was probably hurt that she was/is so prepared to ditch him when he is down.

 

[HappyLawyer]

This can be an issue just like the question, should i or shouldn't i take my kids out of schoo for vacation. OP you will get mixed reviews on this topic, i think you are not being unreasonable and someone else thinks you are, so to break it down, do what you want, and who cares what other people think, follow your own heart,

good luck in what ever you decide.

 

[daisax]

Compassion comes where in your scenario? Compassion for hurt parent, or for selfish vacation...hmmmm? Dad just wants to take the "last vacation to WDW" with his daughter, and see her on her birthday. Pretty darn rude of him, I'll say! He also probably wanted to spend time with his wife... Again...what a selfish monster! And amazingly enough was probably hurt that she was/is so prepared to ditch him when he is down.

Depends who you see as selfish. I think keeping other people from enjoying a vacation and choosing instead to lose money is selfish. I think saying that "If I can't go, nobody should go" is selfish. I'm not saying you're wrong, I don't think anybody is -- we're just looking at it from different perspectives.

Call me hard hearted Hannah, but I don't understand people who can't conceive of family members having individual experiences, whether it's those who get their panties in a twist because somebody wants a Mother/Daughter trip, or wants to leave the toddler at home with Grandma and Grandpa so that the entire vacation isn't centered upon the needs of the family member who is just as happy sitting in a kiddie pool playing with a bucket as walking through Magic Kingdom.

In my family we prize togetherness, but not at the expense of others. The OP's husband isn't on his deathbed -- he might just not be able to take this particular trip. Since it's not easily rescheduled due to school conflicts, why not let those who CAN go, go?

 

[LindsayDunn228]

just really not seeing your point.

Which part?

 

[In a hurry]

Depends who you see as selfish. I think keeping other people from enjoying a vacation and choosing instead to lose money is selfish. I think saying that "If I can't go, nobody should go" is selfish. I'm not saying you're wrong, I don't think anybody is -- we're just looking at it from different perspectives.

Call me hard hearted Hannah, but I don't understand people who can't conceive of family members having individual experiences, whether it's those who get their panties in a twist because somebody wants a Mother/Daughter trip, or wants to leave the toddler at home with Grandma and Grandpa so that the entire vacation isn't centered upon the needs of the family member who is just as happy sitting in a kiddie pool playing with a bucket as walking through Magic Kingdom.

In my family we prize togetherness, but not at the expense of others. The OP's husband isn't on his deathbed -- he might just not be able to take this particular trip. Since it's not easily rescheduled due to school conflicts, why not let those who CAN go, go?

So, you wouldn't be totally ticked off if your spouse told you that if you are hurt or sick, he is taking a vacation without you? I would have shot my husband if he had done it while i was on chemo. It isn't about not enjoying individuality, but be considerate. My husband goes fishing each year with the guy cousins...so not my trip. I go to conferences with my sister and mom, so not his. But Family vacations are just that.

I guess what has irritated me so much is the oP's announcement to her husband in the first place. I can't imagine anyone here not being hurt, if their husband said the same to them. I think that is why he answered as he had. I suspect that if it were time for the trip and th issue came up, he would probably have said something very different...but to make plans to not take him if he was hurt is cold to me.

But I'm done. I hope he is well, and it never comes up.

 

[joanchris]

My DH had back surgery in Jan. (ruptured disc) Usually he's really good and his back doesn't bother him too much, but twice since the surgery his back has gone into spasms and it's takes a couple days off work until he's back up and around.

I have read only some of the posts in this thread, but I think a major issue here is that there is no way of telling when the back problems/spasms will stop being an issue....so even just postponing the trip for a short while may not be reasonable.
To the OP, I say go, maybe if DH has a problem he can postpone his flight a day or two, or stick out the flight and hang around the pool for a day or two, and not do the parks.....Maybe the issue could have been brought up differently, but you can't change that now.... or maybe he would have reacted the same anyhow.
Good luck whatever you decide, one post I did read was a poster who mentioned other issues when people were asked opinions, you will always get a mixed bag of answers. Take all the answers and figure out what's best for you.

 

[dzorn]

Can he take care of himself while you are gone. I would hate to miss a trip but I would want to make sure he is well cared for if I went.

Denise

 

[HappyLawyer]

Which part?

The part about you being paralized. But don't worry about it,

 

[HappyLawyer]

he can care for himself, he is a grown man, he is not paralyzed.


Can he care for himself?????

OP said he could barely walk to the bathroom. Can he fix himself food and drink?? Could he get out of the house in an emergany?? Not flamming , but these are also things to think about.

I agree they are things to think about

 

[HappyLawyer]

Maybe a child should be "put off" because loving and caring for family members is one heck of a lot more important than riding Dumbo. A good lesson to learn. Taking her says "your fun is more important than Daddy's pain." Talk about a set up for a selfish self-centered child!

Can we say DRAMA!

Now on a serious note, if a child can be self centered due to taking one trip without both parents, then there are parenting issues, but you are entitled to your views

 

[HappyLawyer]

Believe it or not, kids have survived without being in Disney for their birthday. How dare that husband be so selfish as to hurt himself and be in pain! Karma has a habit, as they say of biting you in the butt. Hope you never become too ill or injured.

Selfish mom = selfish kid.

Many of you really need to get a bite of reality, you said a kid can survive, so vice versa, a parent can survive without taking every vacation trip and i have seen words like selfish and self centered, all that falls into how a persons parents their children. If you think that one trip makes a person selfish, self-centered or anything else, unless you have research statistics to back that up, well, i think you get the picture.

 

[hezreck]

OP here again. Thanks for the replies, you are giving me alot to think about. I talked to my DH again about it and found out the "real" reason he wouldn't want me to go. He said he wants to go beacuse(these are his words) "She already likes you better than me." That's not the truth, it's just how he sees it. I have been a stay at home mom with her since she was born and since she has been in school I have been a substitute teacher in her school. So she has definitely been with me more than him, but I thought that was kind of a silly reason for him to give. I told him if he couldn't go, he should take her somewhere just the two of them when he's feeling better.

If he does have back problems, I think we will stay home and try to reschedule. But I think my DD will be very upset that she can't spend her birthday at Disney, and look at it like it's Daddy's fault that we can't go. I would try to explain to her that some things can't be helped. Thanks again for all the advice.

 

[Scutapipig]

Well, it just so happens that we had this EXACT scenario just last week.

My husband injured his back at work on a Monday. EXCRUCIATING pain. Off to the ER where they did basically nothing more than inject a pain killer that did not work and sent him home. My husband is a BIG, STRAPPING MAN who usually takes on the world and wins. He also has an extremely high pain tolerance and he was completely incapacitated by the spasms. He could not move. It took him over 30 minutes to crawl from the car to the house because he was that incapacitated. On Wednesday, he was walking from the bathroom to the chair in the living room, his back spasmed so severely, it completely incapacitated him once again and he ended up sprawled halfway on the floor with his face planted into the chair. This time, it took an ambulance to return him to the ER.

So, now you know how severe spasms can be, let me continue by telling you that we were scheduled to leave on a vacation on Saturday. Two children....ages 8 and 10, with the 10 year old being special needs. We told them we would not be able to go on vacation and they were sad, but you know what? They wanted to spend the time with Daddy and take care of him instead. The topper to this story is that we were to travel with Grandma and Grandpa, too, and they too, were perfectly ok with cancelling the trip.

My children have spent their spring break this week getting up at 5:30am and driving Daddy into work (he's on very light duty) in their pj's and bathrobes. They don't usually ride in the car in their pj's, so they think this is new and cool! They've spent their afternoons driving Daddy to physical therapy and then sitting there for 45 minutes reading until he's done. And they are perfectly ok with it because they love their Daddy!

Today I declared Princess Day and my daughter is dressed to the nine's in her fanciest dress, complete with tiara and makeup and chocolate covered strawberries. I let my son pick a day and watch movie after movie after movie (which is his favorite thing to do EVER!).

Children will reflect the attitude of the parent and children will adapt to the situation presented to them, based upon the attitudes of the parent. My children aren't having the spring break they wanted or expected, but they are having fun doing different things because as their parents, we are MAKING it fun for them.

To the OP, I truly do understand both your side and your husband's, but if it were me, I would stay with my husband and be a family at home until he can heal properly.

 

[Mainebound]

Well, it just so happens that we had this EXACT scenario just last week.

My husband injured his back at work on a Monday. EXCRUCIATING pain. Off to the ER where they did basically nothing more than inject a pain killer that did not work and sent him home. My husband is a BIG, STRAPPING MAN who usually takes on the world and wins. He also has an extremely high pain tolerance and he was completely incapacitated by the spasms. He could not move. It took him over 30 minutes to crawl from the car to the house because he was that incapacitated. On Wednesday, he was walking from the bathroom to the chair in the living room, his back spasmed so severely, it completely incapacitated him once again and he ended up sprawled halfway on the floor with his face planted into the chair. This time, it took an ambulance to return him to the ER.

So, now you know how severe spasms can be, let me continue by telling you that we were scheduled to leave on a vacation on Saturday. Two children....ages 8 and 10, with the 10 year old being special needs. We told them we would not be able to go on vacation and they were sad, but you know what? They wanted to spend the time with Daddy and take care of him instead. The topper to this story is that we were to travel with Grandma and Grandpa, too, and they too, were perfectly ok with cancelling the trip.

My children have spent their spring break this week getting up at 5:30am and driving Daddy into work (he's on very light duty) in their pj's and bathrobes. They don't usually ride in the car in their pj's, so they think this is new and cool! They've spent their afternoons driving Daddy to physical therapy and then sitting there for 45 minutes reading until he's done. And they are perfectly ok with it because they love their Daddy!

Today I declared Princess Day and my daughter is dressed to the nine's in her fanciest dress, complete with tiara and makeup and chocolate covered strawberries. I let my son pick a day and watch movie after movie after movie (which is his favorite thing to do EVER!).

Children will reflect the attitude of the parent and children will adapt to the situation presented to them, based upon the attitudes of the parent. My children aren't having the spring break they wanted or expected, but they are having fun doing different things because as their parents, we are MAKING it fun for them.

To the OP, I truly do understand both your side and your husband's, but if it were me, I would stay with my husband and be a family at home until he can heal properly.

Wow. I truly admire your family. Not everybody wants a close knit family, but it is my personal ideal, and your experience realized it.

I do hope your kids get that trip some day, but if not, the model of a loving spouse you have presented will endure even longer than memories of a great Disney vacation!

 

[DVC Sadie]

Maybe a child should be "put off" because loving and caring for family members is one heck of a lot more important than riding Dumbo. A good lesson to learn. Taking her says "your fun is more important than Daddy's pain." Talk about a set up for a selfish self-centered child!

I have often wondered about your post. There is a huge difference between ;" My husband hates Disney and My husband is sick. I think the OP needs to figure out if her husband cannot take care of himself or if the childs vacation is more important in the grand scheme of things. My dh will only do WDW once a year, however I go to WDW at least 4 to 5 times a year. If my dh is sick or ill I have no problem with staying home and doing my best to take care of him!!!

 

[hezreck]

Well, it just so happens that we had this EXACT scenario just last week.

My husband injured his back at work on a Monday. EXCRUCIATING pain. Off to the ER where they did basically nothing more than inject a pain killer that did not work and sent him home. My husband is a BIG, STRAPPING MAN who usually takes on the world and wins. He also has an extremely high pain tolerance and he was completely incapacitated by the spasms. He could not move. It took him over 30 minutes to crawl from the car to the house because he was that incapacitated. On Wednesday, he was walking from the bathroom to the chair in the living room, his back spasmed so severely, it completely incapacitated him once again and he ended up sprawled halfway on the floor with his face planted into the chair. This time, it took an ambulance to return him to the ER.

So, now you know how severe spasms can be, let me continue by telling you that we were scheduled to leave on a vacation on Saturday. Two children....ages 8 and 10, with the 10 year old being special needs. We told them we would not be able to go on vacation and they were sad, but you know what? They wanted to spend the time with Daddy and take care of him instead. The topper to this story is that we were to travel with Grandma and Grandpa, too, and they too, were perfectly ok with cancelling the trip.

My children have spent their spring break this week getting up at 5:30am and driving Daddy into work (he's on very light duty) in their pj's and bathrobes. They don't usually ride in the car in their pj's, so they think this is new and cool! They've spent their afternoons driving Daddy to physical therapy and then sitting there for 45 minutes reading until he's done. And they are perfectly ok with it because they love their Daddy!

Today I declared Princess Day and my daughter is dressed to the nine's in her fanciest dress, complete with tiara and makeup and chocolate covered strawberries. I let my son pick a day and watch movie after movie after movie (which is his favorite thing to do EVER!).

Children will reflect the attitude of the parent and children will adapt to the situation presented to them, based upon the attitudes of the parent. My children aren't having the spring break they wanted or expected, but they are having fun doing different things because as their parents, we are MAKING it fun for them.

To the OP, I truly do understand both your side and your husband's, but if it were me, I would stay with my husband and be a family at home until he can heal properly.

This is exactly how my DH is. The first time it happened we were in the ER for 4 hours and left in the exact same situation as when he came in. Nothing helped. My DH's back problems have been going on for over 2 years and our fammily has had to adjust and not do MANY of the things that we had previously done. My DD is getting to the point that she's resenting my DH because we can't do things because of "Daddy's back". I just didn't want to disappoint her again, and truthfully sometimes I feel the same way as she does. It's just that it gets old after that long. I know he can't help it, but there are times I just want to get out of the house and do something and we can't. Sorry, just neede to vent

 

[hezreck]

Well, it just so happens that we had this EXACT scenario just last week.

My husband injured his back at work on a Monday. EXCRUCIATING pain. Off to the ER where they did basically nothing more than inject a pain killer that did not work and sent him home. My husband is a BIG, STRAPPING MAN who usually takes on the world and wins. He also has an extremely high pain tolerance and he was completely incapacitated by the spasms. He could not move. It took him over 30 minutes to crawl from the car to the house because he was that incapacitated. On Wednesday, he was walking from the bathroom to the chair in the living room, his back spasmed so severely, it completely incapacitated him once again and he ended up sprawled halfway on the floor with his face planted into the chair. This time, it took an ambulance to return him to the ER.

So, now you know how severe spasms can be, let me continue by telling you that we were scheduled to leave on a vacation on Saturday. Two children....ages 8 and 10, with the 10 year old being special needs. We told them we would not be able to go on vacation and they were sad, but you know what? They wanted to spend the time with Daddy and take care of him instead. The topper to this story is that we were to travel with Grandma and Grandpa, too, and they too, were perfectly ok with cancelling the trip.

My children have spent their spring break this week getting up at 5:30am and driving Daddy into work (he's on very light duty) in their pj's and bathrobes. They don't usually ride in the car in their pj's, so they think this is new and cool! They've spent their afternoons driving Daddy to physical therapy and then sitting there for 45 minutes reading until he's done. And they are perfectly ok with it because they love their Daddy!

Today I declared Princess Day and my daughter is dressed to the nine's in her fanciest dress, complete with tiara and makeup and chocolate covered strawberries. I let my son pick a day and watch movie after movie after movie (which is his favorite thing to do EVER!).

Children will reflect the attitude of the parent and children will adapt to the situation presented to them, based upon the attitudes of the parent. My children aren't having the spring break they wanted or expected, but they are having fun doing different things because as their parents, we are MAKING it fun for them.

To the OP, I truly do understand both your side and your husband's, but if it were me, I would stay with my husband and be a family at home until he can heal properly.

OP here again - This is exactly how my DH is. The first time it happened we were in the ER for 4 hours and left in the exact same situation as when he came in. Nothing helped. My DH's back problems have been going on for over 2 years and our fammily has had to adjust and not do MANY of the things that we had previously done. My DD is getting to the point that she's resenting my DH because we can't do things because of "Daddy's back". I just didn't want to disappoint her again, and truthfully sometimes I feel the same way as she does. It's just that it gets old after that long. I know he can't help it, but there are times I just want to get out of the house and do something and we can't. Sorry, just neede to vent