Am I being unreasonable?

[Disney**Lover]

On a personal note, we will be paying approximately $11,000 for our once in a lifetime trip in December. I'm afraid we couldn't just eat the cost and go some other time if my husband (or me ) were unable to go. We've saved for years for this trip and can't just throw the money away. I think in our situation, it would be understandable for the rest of the family to go ahead and go. Usually that is how it is with us anyway. I'm the married, single mom because of my husband's crazy work schedule. The kids and I usually spend our holidays apart from Dad, since he's working, and we go to extended family for celebrations. It's been the norm for 17 years now. I'm thinking that after serious discussion, the rest of the family would go ahead and go. Just our personal situation speaking.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

he can care for himself, he is a grown man, he is not paralyzed.

Ahem, I know this was a hyperbole, but I am a grown woman who is paralyzed and can take care of myself just fine.

I have the solution to your problem OP:

USE YOUR TRAVEL INSURANCE!!!!!!!

 

[In a hurry]

I wouldn't go without my husband. Family vacations are for family. If someone is sick or hurt, then I would make other arrangements. How would you feel if he said the same to you if you were hurt or sick?

 

[Mom to Jordan]

he can care for himself, he is a grown man, he is not paralyzed.


Can he care for himself?????

OP said he could barely walk to the bathroom. Can he fix himself food and drink?? Could he get out of the house in an emergany?? Not flamming , but these are also things to think about.

 

[In a hurry]

he can care for himself, he is a grown man, he is not paralyzed. The issue is there is a lot of walking to do around the parks. Why should the child be put off because of a mishap. People may think kids do not care or they understand and are okay with it, but the anticipation of a child is not easy to get over when you break the childs heart.

Maybe a child should be "put off" because loving and caring for family members is one heck of a lot more important than riding Dumbo. A good lesson to learn. Taking her says "your fun is more important than Daddy's pain." Talk about a set up for a selfish self-centered child!

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Maybe a child should be "put off" because loving and caring for family members is one heck of a lot more important than riding Dumbo. A good lesson to learn. Taking her says "your fun is more important than Daddy's pain." Talk about a set up for a selfish self-centered child!

VERY good point!

 

[keishashadow]

Not sure of your DH's back problem but, I've had cervical herniated disc issues for many years. Elected to forego surgery as long as possible. Mine flares up every so often, usually as a result of too much of the wrong type of activity (wild amusement park rides are a culprit). He may have to learn what his particular triggers are & avoid them.

Drs. advice of Motrin & muscle relaxants the night before or if I feel a spasm coming on will usually prevent or "break" it. PT is a must - will teach those muscles how to work around the problem. Usually, laying in bed is frowned upon (?)

Probably overwhelmed now but, he will learn adjust to his physical limitations; if any. Lots of people have 1 episode & never have another problem.

Lastly, have you considered just booking a room only. Cancellation policy is much more liberal & you can convert to a pkg (if still available) a week or two out.

Good luck.

 

[Zoemakes5]

I'd go with DD in a heartbeat. As a parent, I think we have to sacrifice for our kids all the time, so for me the important person in this picture is your DD. It's her b-day and she shouldn't be penalized for your DH's back issue.
If it were me and my DH, and he said something like what your DH said, I'd come back with "I can't believe YOU'RE being so selfish that you'd deprive your DD of her b-day trip just because you don't want to be alone."

 

[beattyfamily]

I would not go if it upset DH for us to go without him BUT DH would tell us to go in a heartbeat so this is a non-issue for us. He doesn't love Disney as we do.

If this were our first big family trip, there is just no way I'd go without DH if he didn't want me to. It's all or none.

Since the trip is so far away, what money would you loose? YOu can change the airfare and hotel without much cost to you when it's this early on. Unless I'm missing something?

 

[In a hurry]

I'd go with DD in a heartbeat. As a parent, I think we have to sacrifice for our kids all the time, so for me the important person in this picture is your DD. It's her b-day and she shouldn't be penalized for your DH's back issue.
If it were me and my DH, and he said something like what your DH said, I'd come back with "I can't believe YOU'RE being so selfish that you'd deprive your DD of her b-day trip just because you don't want to be alone."

Believe it or not, kids have survived without being in Disney for their birthday. How dare that husband be so selfish as to hurt himself and be in pain! Karma has a habit, as they say of biting you in the butt. Hope you never become too ill or injured.

Selfish mom = selfish kid.

 

[tw1nsmom]

I would plan on going with the whole family. If your DH's back went out right before the trip and was too imobilized to fly, I'd stay home and eat the costs. If he was okay at all, I would have him come and just take it easy. If he was tired he could hang out at the hotel with either some good drugs or drink in hand. If his back went out totally, well, I would rather be laid up (with my family for a little help) in a hotel at Disney than at home. Even if his back was totally out for a time when you're in Florida, you could still pop into the parks while he slept for a little while. Make sure everyone has a cell phone, and that he has the number for room service if he needs it. They have urgent care centers and drug stores in Florida. If you know someone with a walker you could borrow it and bring it just in case he needs it in the hotel room. My DH had back problems recently and he borrowed a walker from his mom to get around the house. It helped him a lot.

 

[rigs32]

My DH has a chronic illness and has been sick during 2 of our vacations together. Each time we were traveling with a group, so he wanted me to go out have have fun - all he needed was sleep, so there was no need for me to stay with him.

(Note: this next bit is me thinking aloud)

What does staying home tell your daughter? On one hand, it's about family togetherness. On the other hand, we all must sacrifice to the needs of one. But why do we decide that dad's needs take precedent? Can dad be home alone with a bad back? Does he not *want* to be? Do you have travel insurance? If not, it's a lot worse to lose 100% of the money instead of 1/3.

 

[In a hurry]

Imagine this post:

My wife is taking our daughter to Disney even though I can't go! I hurt my back a few months ago, and had surgery, and she knew that this trip this year might be difficult, but she kept planning it. I didn't think she meant she would go without me. All I want is to spend my daughter's birthday with her, and see her face light up when she goes to Disney! I don't know why this trip couldn't be planned for when I am able to go! Here I am barely able to get out of bed to go to the bathroom! It isn't like I am ruining her plans on purpose! It stinks to be in pain! We could have just planned the trip some other time!"

 

[babyminnie]

You didn't mention in your posting if airfare is a factor. There are fees for cancelling your vacation, but a CM informed me that you can reschedule it instead. I know that your DD is looking forward to celebrating her B-day in Disney, but maybe if you could move the trip by a few weeeks or months you could keep the family in harmony. It won't be exactly the same , but you could still say that you are there celebrating her B-day. And again your hubby may not have an issue and things could go just as planned. I know if it were my family my DH would be crushed if he missed DD's Birthday, so I can understand how he feels. Good Luck!

 

[hezreck]

OP here again. So far the responses are split, half would go and half would stay home. Thanks for all the replies.
I really hope I didn't sound selfish, alot of it is I don't know what the situation will end up being. When I booked the trip my DH's back was not an issue. It was after the surgery and everything was going well with his back. We booked together, decided to pay up front (room, tickets, and dining plan) We didn't purchase trip insurance becuase we never had to use it on all our other trips. Wasn't expecting to have to use it this year eaither. Can it still be added on to our package, and does it cover a sudden medical reason? The only way he would not be able to go is if his back spasms came on again within 2 weeks of our trip. If it happens when we are already there, he would tell me to take our DD to the parks and he would stay at the hotel. In that short of time, can you cancel flights and still get your money back?

Also, this isn't our first trip to Disney or anything. My DH and I have been there 4 times and DD 3 times, but this will probably be our last trip to Disney so I hate to cancel. DD is at the age that I don't want to take her out of school for that long anymore. And DH and I will only go in the value season.
Plus, if we don't go in Dec. we are not going for my DD birthday and that is the entire reason for this trip.

Just an added note, people asked who would take care of DH if we left him. When he has his back problems, all he does is lay in bed or on the couch all day long. He is able to walk enough to get food and use the bathroom, but basically walking the length of the house is his limit. So my reasoning is, if we are staying home just to watch him lay down for 3 days what's the point. If he needed help functioning I would stay home in a HEARTBEAT. I'm not that cruel!! And also, we live next door to his parents and 6 brothers and sisters so there is ALWAYS someone around. What I'm saying, is nothing can be done for him when he gets like this. Just rest and heating pads, so my staying home does not benefit him in the least.

 

[DisFlan]

What I'm saying, is nothing can be done for him when he gets like this. Just rest and heating pads, so my staying home does not benefit him in the least

Sounds like you'd made up your mind before you asked the question. But don't forget - the trip only lasts a short time. If your husband wants to go and can't, he may resent being left out of the decision about your "last Disney trip" for a long time after you return home.

DisFlan

 

[kkaisu]

I do not think either one of you is selfish for experiencing the feelings you both have about the trip. Both very real, very valid but conflicting feelings.

I have had two back surgeries 2 months apart (October 10th 2005 and December 14 2005) -disk fixed in Oct surgery re-herniated immediatly. I still have occasional spasms that put me down for a day or two, so I can honestly relate to the fears of not being able to go. But I can not imagine NOT going to Disney because of them. After all walking is the BEST possible exercise you can do for your back - and we all know how much walking there is to do in WDW. Your husband should bring his muscle relaxers and see if his Dr. will prescribe him a few pain pills to bring. I really think your husband should go with this attitude - rest often,ride careful and enjoy the show!!

I am going in July with my DD14 and plan to tour "back smart". It tells me when I am doing to much. My feelings are if my back is sooo bad I can not go, I still want my daughter to go and luckily my mom has already agreed to go if I can not.

I wish your husband luck with his back, and you all a great trip to WDW.

 

[rigs32]

You could add insurance now, BUT it only covers prior conditions if purchased within 2 weeks of booking the trip. You DH's back problem is a pre-existing condition, so that would only help you if you bought a "cancel for any reason" policy, but I'd still check to make sure it covers his condition.

If his back is going to be a chronic problem, are you going to always reschedule if he's not doing well? Could he fly out once he's feeling better (a change fee is a lot less than losing out)?

 

[Mainebound]

Who will care for him while you all are gone? I known that it would break my DH's heart if we left him home. He loves WDW too. I would eat the lost and reschedual the trip.

I have to agree.

To the OP -- you asked for opinions on whether you are being selfish. I hope you really wanted honest responses.

I would have to say "yes", you are being unreasonable. Your DH is painfully ill. He wants to go to WDW with you, but is asking you to wait. Not only will he miss the trip, but he will be alone and helpless while you are gone. you say that your being there won't do him any good, but he wants you there so HE must not agree. You may not be able to make the spasms stop, but moral support and good company can be wonderful healers. And who is going to keep the house going (pets, mail, etc. ) if he can't even get out of bed?

You, on the other hand, want a trip to WDW when you want it, whether DH comes or not.

DD will be disappointed, yes, but she will get her trip one day -- most kids don't go to WDW even once. IMO, teaching a child to put others' real needs before her own wishes/desires is more valuable than a trip or the dollars lost.

Honestly, am I missing a piece of the puzzle? Is there even a question about whose need is more important?

 

[daisax]

I think people are being really harsh, because they're projecting their own "sick styles" on you.

People are sick in different ways. When I'm sick, I want to be pretty much left alone -- no hovering, please. And the very last thing that I would ever want to do is keep people home from a good time. I've been sick on major holidays and told my family to go without me (one year we were hosting so it was quickly switched to another family's house and they went there instead). I was sick -- why would I ruin everybody else's day on top of it? So we could all be miserable together?

On the other hand, there are people who when they're sick need other people to be with them and can't imagine how they could even consider any social event without them present.

Sounds like you and your husband's styles don't match in this area -- doesn't make either one of you wrong. It's definitely something that should be worked out, however, and that means somebody's going to have to be the bigger person and let the other have his/her way.

As for "your fun is more than Daddy's pain" -- why not "sometimes things happen and people get disappointed, but Daddy knows he'll come with us next time" -- you could just as easily use it as a lesson in gracefully accepting disappointment and wishing others well, a valuable lesson in life.