Am I being unreasonable...(long)

[krcit]

Lol, whenever I see that question, I usually figure that the answer is yes, but I'll fill you in and let you guys decide I have a birthday coming up. A big one. I've been married 15 years and truth be told, birthdays aren't really a big deal(the kids' are, just not so much adults) Anyway, my dh usually says a few days before my b-day or a holiday "I guess I should go get you something" to which I reply "Don't worry about it. I don't need anything" This is just how it is and I really am ok with it-he's a good guy and if that's the worst of our problems, I'll gladly take it. However, I have subtly let him know that this b-day is sort of a big deal to me and would like something-not something material, more like a special dinner or small party with friends. A couple of weeks ago he started saying stuff about my b-day like 'Should I throw you a party or have people over or.." I politely told him to please handle it himself. Either do something or don't do something but please don't put me in the middle of it or have me say don't worry about it. So, today he says 'OH, could you look up hotels and maybe play tickets-I figured we could do that for your birthday." Ok, so here's the part where I sound like a spoiled brat, lol. Really?? I have to look up hotels and tix and try to find the cheapest or I'll feel bad. Couldn't he do it himself or even ask my best friend to help him?? I don't want to do it. I would like to, for once in my life, be suprised. We don't do Christmas gifts, anniversary gifts-is it too much to ask for him to put some thought and effort into an occasion for me??End of vent!!!I really would like some other opinions. Oh, and just fyi, this is not a big fight or will it turn into a big fight. I realize on the scale of things, it's no biggie but am just a bit dissappointed. Thanks for reading if you're still with me

 

[Stacerita]

Personally, I don't think you are being unreasonable. You want a birthday surprise. I understand that.

 

[Bluestars]

You've probably freaked him out by letting him know you actually would like something for your birthday.

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be surprised, but it looks like your husband isn't the type to venture on his own and make those types of decisions. Yes, he could get help from someone. Maybe he is afraid of disappointing you.

I guess you could always give him a list of specific things and tell him to choose three from the list. That way you will get what you want, yet still be kind of, sort of surprised. To be honest, it looks like you will have to help the man or you will get nothing.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No, you are just hurt.

 

[DVCLiz]

Lol, whenever I see that question, I usually figure that the answer is yes, but I'll fill you in and let you guys decide I have a birthday coming up. A big one. I've been married 15 years and truth be told, birthdays aren't really a big deal(the kids' are, just not so much adults) Anyway, my dh usually says a few days before my b-day or a holiday "I guess I should go get you something" to which I reply "Don't worry about it. I don't need anything" This is just how it is and I really am ok with it-he's a good guy and if that's the worst of our problems, I'll gladly take it. However, I have subtly let him know that this b-day is sort of a big deal to me and would like something-not something material, more like a special dinner or small party with friends. A couple of weeks ago he started saying stuff about my b-day like 'Should I throw you a party or have people over or.." I politely told him to please handle it himself. Either do something or don't do something but please don't put me in the middle of it or have me say don't worry about it. So, today he says 'OH, could you look up hotels and maybe play tickets-I figured we could do that for your birthday." Ok, so here's the part where I sound like a spoiled brat, lol. Really?? I have to look up hotels and tix and try to find the cheapest or I'll feel bad. Couldn't he do it himself or even ask my best friend to help him?? I don't want to do it. I would like to, for once in my life, be suprised. We don't do Christmas gifts, anniversary gifts-is it too much to ask for him to put some thought and effort into an occasion for me??End of vent!!!I really would like some other opinions. Oh, and just fyi, this is not a big fight or will it turn into a big fight. I realize on the scale of things, it's no biggie but am just a bit dissappointed. Thanks for reading if you're still with me

No, it's not too much to ask. So, ask him.

"Honey, I've been thinking and you know what?? I really DO want something special for my birthday this year. And I want YOU to make the decisions and surprise me. Thanks for asking how you could make my birthday special for me and listening to what I am telling you. I love you so much!"

 

[disykat]

No. Although your general plan is no gifts, you let it be known you would like this big one to be a big deal. The one change I'd make is to not be subtle. Since your wishes differ from the norm, you can't change the plan subtly. You have to make it very clear.

I'd tell him "Honey, that sounds like a wonderful idea! Can you please take care of all the details and surprise me? This birthday is a big deal to me and I know it's not the way we usually do things, but this time I'd really like to be surprised."

We handle birthdays and occasions this way. We don't normally do much, but if we want more fuss on a specific occasion, we let it be known.

 

[agnes!]

"Honey, i do want to be surprised on my birthday, I would prefer not to plan it. You really must ask [Friend's Name] for some ideas, she knows my taste & sizes really well."

Meanwhile, [Friend] has been fully briefed on what you do (small party, nice piece of jewelry, a night at a B&B, etc) - and don't (oil change for the car, DVD of a movie only he likes, case of TUMs, etc) want for your birthday.

So, you'll get a surprise, but you'll also not get what you *don't* want .

agnes!

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I have said this many times, but I will say it again - Men do not do "subtle".

You want to feel ignored, be subtle. He isn't ignoring you, he is simply interpreting subtle as unimportant.

If you want a party, and you know that he doesn't really appreciate how much you want a party, you either need to tell him in a very frank way, or accept that you are going to be disappointed, and that it is as much your fault as his. If you want something specific, ask for it.

And Happy Birthday!

 

[Buckalew11]

A few years ago, DH took care of a weekend getaway for us and I must say it made me feel very special so I understand where you are coming from.

Why can't more men take the reins and plan this stuff? If he was having an exciting affair with some strang lady he'd be planning things! LOL That is not funny, but true don't you think?!

I am usually our getaway planner because our getaways are usually WDW ones and he knows that's 1/2 as much funa s going for me (the planning).

However, b-days surprises, getaways etc. need to be shared. Take Liz's advice. Let it be known. Then whatever he chooses, enjoy it and don't pick it apart!!

 

[Buckalew11]

I have said this many times, but I will say it again - Men do not do "subtle".

You want to feel ignored, be subtle. He isn't ignoring you, he is simply interpreting subtle as unimportant.

If you want a party, and you know that he doesn't really appreciate how much you want a party, you either need to tell him in a very frank way, or accept that you are going to be disappointed, and that it is as much your fault as his. If you want something specific, ask for it.

And Happy Birthday!

You're so right! Which is why my DH's favorite saying is, "Say what you mean, mean what you say."

 

[Tinijocaro]

Don't make him guess, spell it out for him. "I want this to be all your doing, a total surprise for me" The whole fun in being surprised is that you didn't have to plan any of it, sort of a freebie.

 

[krcit]

Thanks guys!! I knew I could count on my Dis friends for some great perspective. It seems so simple to let him know that I want him to do the planning himself but I wouldn't have thought of that, lol. I would've just stewed about it and been resentful when nothing got done. When he mentions the hotel again, I will tell him that I'd rather he plan something and take care of the arrangements himself. I will then make sure to brief my best friend on some acceptable ideas, lol. Thanks for understanding and offering solutions.

 

[Buckalew11]

I think you should not wait until he mentions it again. He might not. He told you to look for a deal. He might wait til you bring it up. JMO

I'm going to bed...I've been on here all evening!

Happy Birthday a little early though!!

 

[AnnetteF]

I have found over the years that the most subtle hint I could throw at my husband would be to take him to the store, press his face down on the case, and say "BUY ME THIS FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!" Anything more subtle than that and I won't get what I want.

Hope it turns out ok in the end and you are happy. Have a Happy Birthday!

 

[tigercat]

I have tried to tell my dh to make decisions but he really has a hard time even picking a restaurant to go to for our anniversary or whatever. I keep telling him that I have to make the decision for every meal so that if we are going out I would like him to make the decision about the place. He doesn't have to order my dinner just the place.
tigercat

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I have found over the years that the most subtle hint I could throw at my husband would be to take him to the store, press his face down on the case, and say "BUY ME THIS FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!" Anything more subtle than that and I won't get what I want.

I didn't know that my wife posted on DIS. Is that you, Amy?

 

[shortbun]

Yeah, don't wait. Have your best friend call him and help. lol! Men can be tough. My husband is sometimes paralzed with fear of doing it wrong. He doesn't know I hate the jewelry he's bought me. I do not wear jewelry; think he'd notice after 28 years? lol! My sister thinks it's hilarious. I guess I do too. The wheelbarrow with my name painted in a heart was cute. Good luck!

 

[mamacatnv]

OP I could have written your post and I do not think you are acting like a spoiled brat. I usually don't think my B-day is a big deal either.
Now, a few years ago it was going to be my 40th and I wanted something done. My DH is generally clueless and I said all the same things. He also asked me to do it which I refused. I told him I wanted a B-Day party of some sort, I only had 1 as a child and none as an adult. About a week before my B-Day he said to me "I know you really wanted a party, but I'm just not good at that sort of thing"

I whined (a lot) to my BFF and then finally asked her if she would help me plan just a little get together with a couple of close friends for dinner. She of course said she would take care of it. She who thinks all B-Days are a big deal was excited to actually do something and told me to stop whining. I still whined about how I was disappointed etc. After all it was 40

Now, even tho I knew the dinner was in the works I was disappointed with DH, but I let it go. The weekend before my B-Day we headed to friends like we do every year for SuperBowl. Everyone usually comes to our house but out friends wanted to host, so off we went.

I walked into a surprise party! I was flabbergasted and shocked. My BFF thought I knew what was up and that I was playing them, she thought my whole dinner thing was to throw them off. I didn't have a clue. My DH had consulted her and yes, she did the majority of the planning but it was his idea. I do not know how he pulled off the "I'm not good at that type of thing" comment. He was also the proudest of that comment, he knew I believed him. Stinker

So, print this and leave it somewhere for your DH to find or start whining to your BFF

Happy Birthday!

 

[SydSim]

It is not unreasonable for you to want your husband to plan something special for your birthday. It is unreasonable for you to expect him to know this, after you've conditioned him to do nothing for your birthday all these years.

 

[Kycha]

I have said this many times, but I will say it again - Men do not do "subtle".

You want to feel ignored, be subtle. He isn't ignoring you, he is simply interpreting subtle as unimportant.

If you want a party, and you know that he doesn't really appreciate how much you want a party, you either need to tell him in a very frank way, or accept that you are going to be disappointed, and that it is as much your fault as his. If you want something specific, ask for it.

And Happy Birthday!

I don't think men do obvious either. I told DH that I hate surprise parties and in no way did I want one for my 40th birthday. Guess what I got for my birthday??? I put on a happy face, but hated it and in the end it was pretty much a disaster(for other reasons). Still love DH and I think he now understands why I hate surprises. Guess what he is getting for his 50th???

Oh, and Happy Birthday OP!