Am I being too sensitive???

[EdiePA]

Okay, here's the story. My ex-husband walked out on me and our two sons, two years ago. It has been a very rough road -- I never realized that emotional pain could hurt every bit as much as physical pain.

So, last Sunday night, at our church's contemporary service, the sermon was by the associate pastor and about how our relationship with our spouse was the closest relationship that we'll ever have and one that shows us how well God knows us. Then, before communion, he suggested that we come up with our spouse or someone close to us and take communion together. What about all of us that are alone? I just started sobbing and could barely stop by the end of the service. It was just one of those times that all my losses rose up to smack me in the face. Luckily, my best friend was there and passed the kleenex.

I just feel that as a divorced/separated person, I just don't fit in in so many ways. It's especially hard when church makes you feel that way.

I know that there are times the pain is just so over-whelming that I can't reach out to anyone or think beyond my own skin. So, was it me being sensitive or was it a mistake on the part of the pastor?

Tomorrow's Sunday and I'm trying to decide what to do.

Thanks for any insight,
Edie

 

[Kallison]

Edie where is your church, I'll meet you there and kick him in the shins! I agree that was insensitive, let him know about it. So many people walk on eggshells around our Pastor who can be quite annoying at times. He'll stop a sermon in the middle of it if a baby lets out a peep. I'm always like tell him, he is a human he makes mistakes. Let him know how much that hurt.

 

[Tinkbell]

Oh, honey! That was so insensitive of him to do. If I were there, I'd walk right up with you just so you wouldn't be alone.

 

[figment95]

I am so sorry for all that you have gone through. I have always felt that going to church should be a positive and uplifting experience. IMHO your pastor was not being sensitive to the needs of all the members of the congregation. There are many people who are divorced, seperated, widowed; or who chose to be single. I don't think you were being too sensitive at all. I'm saying a little prayer for you that you will find a place where you really feel comfortable.

 

[KatelynnsAuntie]

That's unbelievable!! I can understand if he did that to a group that was ALL couples, but in a regular church service?!! You never who's in there!

I'll bet you weren't the only person who felt that way!

Someone needs to set him straight. He shouldn't be excluding members of the congregation like that!!

Sorry you had to go through this, Edie.

 

[Dan Murphy]

He is out of touch, Edie. I fully agree with all the above comments. And so sorry for your having that imposed on you.

Dan

 

[KristaTX]

That was very insensitive. Maybe your pastor was just having an ignorant moment and unthoughtfully made this hurtful mistake. I have pastors in my family, and I know that they would want to know if they had done something like this. (Hopefully he is open like them - unfortunately not all pastors are.) I suggest writing a note explaining to him how you felt during the service last week. You could do this in a very kind way, and might even just be able to basically say what you just told us in this post. I don't know your pastor or you, but I would hate for an insensitive moment on his part to affect your relationship with church in general.

, Krista

 

[bananiem]

Oh, Edie. I'm so sorry!
I think he needs to hear that it hurt. Perhaps he is an insensitive clod but maybe he just hadn't thought it all the way through.
You could let him know that you, other divorced people, single and widowed members of the congregation- NONE of you choose to be alone but different circumstances make it so. And you are just as deserving (maybe even more so) of having the whole congregation having communion WITH you instead of making you feel separated from the others. Perhaps if you said it that way he'd get it.
If you don't feel comfortalbe going to him you could maybe talk to the head pastor or even write a letter.

 

[DISJAZZ]

No, you're not being too sensitive.
One of my favorite songs is by Don Henley called "The Heart of the Matter".
One of the best lines is,

"But I think it's about forgiveness."

I don't think that your Associate Pastor meant to hurt you. Forgive him and then talk to him if it still bothers you.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>Hi Edie,

I'm a divorced person who also is Catholic, raising two on my own (since they were 3 & 4) and I have been in those type Masses. I have also sobbed in them (and embarrassed when those I know asked me if I was okay), but then I realize that it's me, and not the fault of the pastor or those who do have marriages.

It's hard to be married, and then divorced, especially when it's not something we wanted. However, when I see those families who are intact - not perfect, just not divorced like mine, I see hope that marriage can work.

In my opinion, just because we're hurting, we can't ask the priest/ pastor, etc., not to celebrate a good marriage, especially when it's a sacrament in our faith. Just as I wouldn't expect him not to congratulate the mothers on Mother's Day or fathers on Father's Day because there are families who are missing one or the other.

for your hurt. Believe me, I understand.

Please pm me if you'd like to talk more.

 

[goodstarr]

Mary Jo, I agree. Although it may have hurt the OP because of her marital situation, I don't think that it's insensitive for a Christian minister to magnify the state of marriage, especially since its based on actual scripture (men love your wives as Christ loved the church). I think many times people feel that if one thing is magnified, then that automatically means that all other things are looked down on. A minister walks a fine line between what he/she thinks they should talk about and what society (with political correctness and all ) thinks they they should talk about. Please don't let this situation steer you away from the true path. You are still loved.

 

[jfulcer]

Originally posted by EdiePA
Then, before communion, he suggested that we come up with our spouse or someone close to us and take communion together. What about all of us that are alone? [snip....] Luckily, my best friend was there and passed the kleenex.

But you had your friend there with you? Can't she be your 'someone close'? Or your sons? It's all in how you interpreted his sermon. I don't think he intended on trodding on the divorced persons feelings, thats why he would say "or someone close".

But having said that, I don't think that you are being too sensitive as it must be really hard to go through what you have, but maybe God was using this to point out to you the blessings that you <i>do</i> have, instead of what didn't work out in the past. God's lessons aren't really all that easy sometimes.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Good thoughts, MJ and Jeff both. Always nice to see other viewpoints.

 

[EdiePA]

My sons are in college and were already back at school. My friend went up for communion with her fiance. I wasn't upset that the minister talked about marriage, etc., it was the way he related that to relating to God.

Also, I felt that he should have give those of us who were there alone an "out" -- like offering to take communion with us, etc.

Lots to think about -- but I don't think I'll be going back to that service.

Thanks for your help and ideas,
Edie

 

[Dakota_Lynn]

Edie, that is awful...I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you. I totally disagree with what that pastor said. Is there anyway you can talk to him and tell him how that made you feel? Perhaps he'll be more careful in the future. Maybe he can find some words to comfort you and take the sting off of what he did. Good luck to you...you are a GOOD person and as close to God as anybody, with or without your husband...never forget that!

 

[Serena]

Edie, I don't think you were being insensitive that day. That being hurt about what was said is normal. Especially for someone in your situation.
But, and I'm sorry, I do think you are taking it too hard now. I do think it's a mistake not to go back just because of it. I think your paster would like to know how his sermon affected you. Or I would hope so.

But, your paster cannot not talk about certain things because it would hurt someone or several someone's. Maybe he did say it wrong, but I think you need to take into account what his intent was.
It sounds like he was celebrating marriage, that is a good thing. Except for people like you and me, when marriage didn't work. Or at least not this time.
Would it be fair not to celebrate marriage because of the people there like us? no it wouldn't

Just talk with him, let him know how you feel, and maybe you'll feel better afterwards. {{{hugs}}}

 

[Tinkbell]

Originally posted by EdiePA

So, last Sunday night, at our church's contemporary service, the sermon was by the associate pastor and about how our relationship with our spouse was the closest relationship that we'll ever have and one that shows us how well God knows us.

I think there is nothing wrong with celebrating marriage. I wouldn't even take offense at them going to communion together. HOWEVER, I think the above words would probably sting someone who is single or divorced. What is that supposed to mean? Single people don't know God very well? Divorced people used to know God ? What about married people in abusive relationships? How well does God know them?

This has nothing to do with political correctness. This minister should know that not all of his flock is living the perfect family dream. Save comments like that for couples night.

 

[powellrj]

I understand how you feel....Its a sad and lonely feeling and I am not even alone. My dh just works every sunday so I attend church by myself. I finally left a church because of the feeling of not being accepted because I didn't have a partner with me. The church I attend now is very good about not making women alone feel left out, but its still hard sometimes. (((((HUGS)))))

 

[disykat]

I can understand how you would be upset. I would talk to the Pastor. Maybe it would help him to handle it more sensitively in the future.

In the Bible it does compare us (as individuals and sometimes as the church as a whole) to being the bride and God the bridegroom. It's talking about the ideal situation just like when it says God is our father it means a good father not an abusive excuse for a father. I think everyone squirms at those texts because even in a good relationship it's impossible to live up to! I would venture to say that there wasn't a single married couple out there that has the perfect relationship and that the minister was seeking to uplift those people, not realising how his words cut you.

Church is tough sometimes. We have lay readers and it seems like the scripture often ends up being something that is probably hard for them to read. One of my good friends read today and the verses were about marriage - as a single woman in her 30's she could barely keep from rolling her eyes over that one! Kind of a "why me?" moment.

One of the verses really struck me (I had read your post earlier but not replied yet.) I'm guessing your minister may have been speaking on this same text. "For as a young man marries a young woman, so shall your builder marry you, and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you." Isaiah 62:5

 

[DocRafiki]

Originally posted by Tinkbell
I think there is nothing wrong with celebrating marriage. I wouldn't even take offense at them going to communion together. HOWEVER, I think the above words would probably sting someone who is single or divorced. What is that supposed to mean? Single people don't know God very well? Divorced people used to know God ? What about married people in abusive relationships? How well does God know them?

I'd like to know that too. The statement didn't make much sense to me.

In my opinion, just because we're hurting, we can't ask the priest/ pastor, etc., not to celebrate a good marriage, especially when it's a sacrament in our faith. Just as I wouldn't expect him not to congratulate the mothers on Mother's Day or fathers on Father's Day because there are families who are missing one or the other.

ITA with that, too. But the part where he left all the single people out -- that was where he really messed up, IMO. Were you not supposed to take communion that day if you came alone?

Does your church have a bulletin or some way of knowing what the upcoming topic will be? That way you can avoid the days that might trigger such a response. I know if I had lost my mother or if I were having a hard time conceiving, I might skip the Mother's Day ceremony.

I guess I didn't answer the question -- I don't think you over-reacted, and I think he could have handled it better. I don't that alone would drive me from the church, though.