Am I Being too Harsh?

[dmillerdmd]

Oh wow, this is so tough, I have B/G twins in the same class- small parochial school. 1st off, we get the spelling word list for the entire year in Aug! With that said, I have been very fortunate to have never studied a spelling list at home in 3 yrs. They seem to just "get" spelling. That is what I thought until my son was ill last week for 31/2 days and we ended up doing the work at home (it was a stomach bug and he could do some work- I'm not a SAHM but I only work 3 days/wk.) Anyway, I was amazed today to get his work from last week and saw that he only got 12 out of 15 on his spelling test-for the 1st time ever he missed any! My point being ,I guess I did not realize how much work they did at school on this. I would be devastated to get a note on this matter, so I can relate with you. Suck it up and go talk to the teacher! That is your source of information. I thought I was a pretty tough mom but I could not take back a VD present! Remember, that is about I love you no matter what! She really did not lie to you in my opinion, she was trying to stall the the inevitable because she knew she would "dissapoint" you. High standards are great but let's give them the tools to get there! Good luck and love, support, and discipline your girl!
(GEEZ-I hope I spelled everything correctly!)

 

[Brooknwdw]

I have a third grader as well, I know at times school is overwelming for them & us as parents. I am amazed at the workload for them not to mention the pressures.

I would not call your reaction Harsh...I think you reacted out of fear worry & embarrassment. My only suggestion would be next time give yourself a little more time before making a decision about punishment. I believe you said you jus got the note last night.

Also, I think the poster who was talking about spelling boot camp just meant that is sounds like you do alot of study on those words. She writes them 5x each per day, says them aloud, flashcards, etc..she may have been dreading that everyday after a long day at school..that may be why she started "forgetting them" at school & winging it. My third grader has a spelling test each Friday & we study it the night before. He has too much other homework every night to study them more than one good time.

Regardless we all want to be good parents & no one is perfect! You can learn from any mistakes you made this time.

 

[javamom]

We are in the process of trying to get our daughter (2nd grade) help with suspected dyslexia. It has been a battle and we are just getting started. School "acknowledges that there is a problem," but have found her "ineligible for services." Basically, they aren't going to do anything to help her until I can find something "medically" wrong with her so that they will have to. I'll spare everyone the long list of doctors that we have (or are due to) seen.

Sad

So, failed spelling tests are almost a given for us. We celebrate the rare 80% that she brings home, in a big way!

I know that my daughter gets very frustrated and shuts down, so I try to help her with her words as best that I can without triggering a shutdown.

Perhaps your daughter is similarly frustrated with something at school, and hence the lying? Kids do this for the strangest of reasons to us adults. Some "lap time" with your DD might be in order. Maybe after you get to the bottom of all of this, the toy can be discussed?

Hope it all works out.

 

[BlondeAlligator]

I am so glad you gave her the gift back. Valentines are expressions of love, and a parent's love for her child (or his) should be unconditional.

My father was very strict about grades...I was a straight A student but if I got an A- he would ask why it wasn't an A. By the time I got to college I was so obssesed about my grades that I would make myself physically ill over them. Make sure she is doing her personal best & support her, but understand that everone has strangths and weaknesses, and different motivations, and it's much ahrder to be a kid today than it was when we were little.

Give her a big hug!

 

[vhoffman]

I'm having a meeting with the teacher today about the spelling. At my request, dd will be present. I've learned, through dealings with the school on behalf of my son, not to say too much. I have no intentions of telling the teacher that dd hasn't been bringing home her spelling words, that would just give them ammunition to store and use later (believe me, its happened with ds!). I plan to just say that we used to work more at home on the spelling words, regardless of whether she had an assignment or not. We've just not been as diligent lately, and apparently it shows! DD did some flashcards last night, I plan to bring them in and show the teacher examples of how we work at home, then assure her we will resume doing so. Of course, always give the teacher the upper hand. I will ask her for any suggestions, then act like whatever she says is a stroke of genius! Teachers love feeling they have the upper hand--not good to go in there saying here's the problem, here's how I'm going to handle it. Best to put yourself in their hands! I have no intention of saying that dd hasn't been bringing home her spelling list--it will just have the teacher "get it in" for her. Oh, I suspect the last remark will get some flames, but I've been down this path before with ds. My efforts to honestly and sincerely communicate with the school has been twisted around and used against us. We know now that there is a problem with spelling, I know the reason why, we'll work on it and leave with everyone smiling. Do remember whenever you talk with your child's teacher you must tread with care. You can really screw things up for your kid just by relatively innocent remarks.

Like I said, I gave her the catepillar back last night. She slept with it and I heard her "introducing " it to her other stuffed animals (all 50+!). She named it Suzy. She brought Suzy to breakfast--Suzy had pop tarts and scrambled eggs today and she asked me to take good care of Suzy today. My dd is 8.5, however, she is tall for her age and many think she is 10-12 years old. Sometimes when a child looks older we tend to treat them like they are older, even though we know their actual age. To my dd, she's still somewhat in that fantasy land where toys are "real". Yes, it was mean of me to take the toy away. I just reacted out of frustration with the whole situation. However, if the note about the spelling didn't come home on Valentine's Day, she wouldn't have lost a toy. Well, I don't think any real harm was done. She's happy with "Suzy", we will straighten out the situation with the teacher, and continue to work on spelling words at home--Spelling Boot Camp is open again!

 

[cstraub]

I'm having a meeting with the teacher today about the spelling. At my request, dd will be present. I've learned, through dealings with the school on behalf of my son, not to say too much. I have no intentions of telling the teacher that dd hasn't been bringing home her spelling words, that would just give them ammunition to store and use later (believe me, its happened with ds!). I plan to just say that we used to work more at home on the spelling words, regardless of whether she had an assignment or not. We've just not been as diligent lately, and apparently it shows! DD did some flashcards last night, I plan to bring them in and show the teacher examples of how we work at home, then assure her we will resume doing so. Of course, always give the teacher the upper hand. I will ask her for any suggestions, then act like whatever she says is a stroke of genius! Teachers love feeling they have the upper hand--not good to go in there saying here's the problem, here's how I'm going to handle it. Best to put yourself in their hands! I have no intention of saying that dd hasn't been bringing home her spelling list--it will just have the teacher "get it in" for her. Oh, I suspect the last remark will get some flames, but I've been down this path before with ds. My efforts to honestly and sincerely communicate with the school has been twisted around and used against us. We know now that there is a problem with spelling, I know the reason why, we'll work on it and leave with everyone smiling. Do remember whenever you talk with your child's teacher you must tread with care. You can really screw things up for your kid just by relatively innocent remarks.

Like I said, I gave her the catepillar back last night. She slept with it and I heard her "introducing " it to her other stuffed animals (all 50+!). She named it Suzy. She brought Suzy to breakfast--Suzy had pop tarts and scrambled eggs today and she asked me to take good care of Suzy today. My dd is 8.5, however, she is tall for her age and many think she is 10-12 years old. Sometimes when a child looks older we tend to treat them like they are older, even though we know their actual age. To my dd, she's still somewhat in that fantasy land where toys are "real". Yes, it was mean of me to take the toy away. I just reacted out of frustration with the whole situation. However, if the note about the spelling didn't come home on Valentine's Day, she wouldn't have lost a toy. Well, I don't think any real harm was done. She's happy with "Suzy", we will straighten out the situation with the teacher, and continue to work on spelling words at home--Spelling Boot Camp is open again!

Sounds like the quest to be perfect camp is open too!

 

[vhoffman]

Jordan's Mom,

I really think you hit the nail on the head--she's trying to be independent, and wanted to do her studying on her own. Actually, the school requests that we spend 20-30 minutes a day reading, either the child read to us, we to them, or they can read independently, as long as they are exposed to reading every day. Also, its requested that we study spelling words every day, regardless of whether an assignment is sent home or not. I guess she just wanted to be independent, as she is with her reading.

I just came back from school and talking with the teacher. The teacher gave me several methods to study spelling, some of which I'm already using, and some new techniques. Perhaps I'll let dd chose which exercise she wishes to do each day, then let her do it alone, then just review it. She want to do homework in her room, now. I think she's trying to assert independence--many children want to feel they have their own "space" such as their room, to work in. Its a small step towards breaking away and going on her own. Let her be, as long as she's doing her homework, she doesn't have to do it at the kitchen table with me. Guess my little girl is growing up!

Also, I had an almost visceral reaction when I saw the "letter from the school". I never received a letter from school in 17 years of public school. There'd be he!! to pay if I did. However, I have to remember, school's ifferent now than in my day. I never received a letter, not because I was perfect, but because schools simply didn't communicate with parents the way they do today. Communication is much more formal, documented, and structured. Unfortunately it has to be that way due to all the regulations, No child Left Behind, Adequate Yearly Progress, yadda, yadda. I'm all for communication--its just that it comes across in a more sturctured, therefore somewhat intimidating manner. I mean, I received a form with 4 copies, one for parent, teacher, school counselor, and principal. That alone is enough to blow a parent away. Its just the way they have to handle communication nowdays, everything has to be documented. The teacher said so in so many words. I didn't comment on the letter, she did, and half apologized for it. She said that its just the format they have to follow. Years ago she could have just called me, or caught me in the hall sometime and made it a by-the-way type discussion. Now we have to document every discussion. Whatever............it all went well and I think its a done issue.

Oh, btw, thanks to the poster who suggested the "pyramid" approach,
f
fr
fri....
friend

I mentioned this to the teacher and she thought it was excellent!

 

[Downrivermama]

I know it is tough, I have dd 7, but sometimes you have to let them fall and pick themselves back up. I wouldn't try to stress my kid out over getting 90% all the time. The schools these day are only teaching to standardized tests and I see a big lack of trying to teach children how to think instead of scoring well on these stupid tests.

They are only kids and they have a lifetime of stress ahead of them, don't add to it.

I never got notes sent home or phone calls when I was in school not like I have gotten with my dd since she started school. I got a call when she was in kidnergarten because she said the word "Dang." LOL ! They didn't want her using replacement swear words? School is a different animal then when I went. So I now take communications with her school with a grain of salt.

I don't like it when my dd lies and she gets punished for it. Maybe somewhere your daughter was getting presured to do it herself and she tried and it didn't work.

 

[Tinkerbellmom33]

I can relate to how you feel. I got my first note home a few weeks ago from my sons teacher, he's in 6th grade. I couldn't believe it! He was forgetting to bring in assignments that were completed. He's working on his organization skills Anyway, his school has a very strict policy on this and he was written up twice. Third one gets detention. It's very frustrating, he's a very smart, A student, just lazy. We took away the video games, computer, and skateboard for a week. The new rule is to do homework where I can see him and make sure he puts all books and assignments away as soon as he's done. I don't do it in a "bootcamp" manner. I don't make him feel bad and insult him. It's all very calm. They all need to learn to handle things on their own but sometimes they stray for whatever reason and need a little guidence to get back on track. No harm in that. That's what we're here for.
I also don't think it's unreasonable to expect good grades if your child has done so in the past and is capable of it. Once last year, my son recieved a 65 on a test, after all mid to high 90's, and it was sheer lack of studying. He was really upset. I told him in a calm manner that I wasn't happy with the grade and I asked him if he studied and he said no. I told him not to get so upset, but that I did expect better because I know he can do it. I told him instead of crying and making himself feel horrible, study next time and I helped him do it the next few times until he realized and was back to his usual grades. If he had a problem learning something that's completely understandable, but laziness is not exceptable. Another poster said it, they are setting up their habits for the future. It sounds like you're going about it the right way. Don't beat yourself up over it!

sounds like someone around here needs to lighten up a little...none of us are perfect.

 

[helenm29]

I agree that your daughter should never have lied and should be punished but not that you should have taken away her present. A holiday is just that, a special time and it only comes once a year so it should stay special. If you need to take something away, take something else she values such as computer or t.v...games...free time..have her do some extra chores.
As for the lying, there is never a "good" exscuse for lying and you should make sure she knows that but maybe she had tried the work on her own and was worried about your reaction to her not doing so well? Obviously you are a wonderful parent and worry about your child. Try to let her know that if she want's to try to do the work on her own that's ok but you will be close by if she needs help and will be keeping an eye on her grades.

 

[rt2dz]

Came across this and thought it might be relevant.

BEFORE YOU DISCIPLINE​

Before you adminiser discipline, ask your child three question. 1. Did you understand what you were doing? 2. Ddi you know that it was wrong? 3. Did you know what the consequences might be for doing such a thing?

If your cild answers affirmatively to these questions, you've established: a. The child knows what she was doing. b. She willfully disobeyed and c. She knows there would be consequences. Chidren often are involved in things that they don't understand are wrong or dangerous. Deal with those types of infractions differently than you deal with incidents of willful disobedience.

Once y ou determine that you're dealing with willful disobedience, determine the most effective form of discipline for this incident. (Whenever possible, determine consequences for specific behaviors in advance, clearly communicate them to your child, then enforce them when needed).

Don't wait too long between the offense and the discipline. Otherwise the issues and reasons for the discipline will become blurred in your child's mind (and in your mind too). When you'be determined the appropriate discipline and how that discipline will help modify your child's behavior positibely while she learns a lesson, then apply it.

Afterward, look your child in the eyes and say, "I love you. You've done wrong, but I still love you. I don't want to go through this again, do you??? Let's learn from this experience and go on." Then hug her. Discipline should leave your child with the assurance that she is always loved, no matter what.

**********************************************************

I'm also curious. I just keep missing it. I keep reading where the dd lied. I didn't see where she did lie. She said she did them at school, how do we know she didn't? Maybe what she did at school just wasn't enough, but that doesn't mean she didn't. And, yes, she did say she did fine. But at that age, they don't always know exactly what is fully acceptable or not.

 

[EmmaAndQuinnsMommy]

I never got notes sent home or phone calls when I was in school not like I have gotten with my dd since she started school. I got a call when she was in kidnergarten because she said the word "Dang." LOL ! QUOTE]

I got a call when DD was in kindergarten for her hiking up her skirt to scratch her bottom in the lunch line!!! No, I am not kididng. Her tights were itching her (she has eczema) and she was FIVE years old and hadn't learned not to scratch herself in public! That warranted a phone call from the school nurse! I also got a call because she told the nurse that her vagi*a was bothering her. (She had an infection.) The nurse called because she used the PROPER WORD for her genitalia!!!!! She actually said, "But, she said vagi*a in front of the other people in the office."

 

[Downrivermama]

Emmaandquinnsmommy,

Don't you just love it! My dd also got in trouble for saying p***s but not for repeating the f word when another kid said it. When the latchkey ladies told me about her saying the p word and I said it isn't a word you would use in proper conversation, but it is the proper term! (I guess the kids were talking about the differences between boys and girls!)

Hey, if nothing else our kids know their anatomy!

 

[vhoffman]

Sometimes I wonder--don't these teachers have anything better to do than send home notes about nit picky little things, like saying "*****" (wonder if that will be allowed here on Disboard!). Notes about problems, such as dd's spelling, are apporpriate (they love to use that word!), because its something I should be aware of. Also, there's something I can do about it. However, I've received a ton of letters about ds over the last 4 years, non of which, in my humble opinion, merit the time and effort. I've gotten letters that he sharpens his pencil too much, he twirls around while walking in line, he interrupts during a lesson (other kids do, too!). Well, ok, just tell him to stop it. What on earth am I supposed to do about it? I'm not even there during the day. Sure, I can speak with him about such "incidents", however, not being there and not knowing all the details I'm hardly the best person to enforce their rules. I don't even know the situation! Seems they are spending an excessive amount of time documenting his every last move, then expecting me to smooth out every wrinkle. I mean, just tell the kid to quit whatever and get on with life! One of the biggest laments you hear from teachers is how overworked they are (aren't we all?). Seems to me they are creating a lot of extra work with all their notes, etc. It would really take less time to just tell junior "quit sharpening your pencil so much" or, "you can only sharpen your pencil x times a day", or whatever. Instead, they send me home note after note................I'm not supposed to do their job! Yes, I'm all for supporting the teachers, etc., but there are some things that a parent can't handle, such as enforcing rules during the day when the kid is in the care of the teacher. I mean, I've even received phone calls while at work (or dh has), about stupid, nit picky things, like ds was "talking out of turn". I'm supposed to get out of a meeting, put everything on hold, just to tell a teacher to tell ds "well, don't do that anymore". Geez............what if I called them everytime ds wasn't perfect while at home?

 

[AllyCatTapia]

HI there. I work in Child Psychology (although my area is 0-5). The rule I generally bestow on parents is to withhold a PRIVELAGE. Also, I don't recommend taking away a gift already given, the child will internalize that WAY too much. I would withhold something she was planning on IN THE FUTURE. Such as, if you had planned to allow her to go to a school dance or soemthing.

Yes, taking away gifts given is not considered appropriate. Good luck!