Am I being too hard - what would you do?

[wilma-bride]

I agree totally, punishments should fit the crime. Anything could have happened in those 10 minutes to make her late.

I personally think she was being quite responsible by letting you know she was going to be late, after all, if she thought she was going to get grounded for 10 days for being 10 minutes late then why bother telling you in the first place, she could have just rolled up late, the punishment would still have been the same.

We have rules and consequences in our house too but in some instances I let my children choose their own consequence, sometimes they actually punish themselves harder than what we had intended

I come from a military background with strict rules, consequences and punishments and it was a living nightmare, I felt suffocated, claustrophobic and very alone, it also pushed me away and I ended up hating them.

I rebelled, got into trouble, did crap in school for a while and tried to end my life a few times so I refuse point blank to be like that with my own (8 and 10) and for the most part it's fair punishment but I am not a pushover and thankfully my kids don't really turn on the water works because we talk about what they did wrong and what they think they should have done etc.

You have rules and that's good but sometimes rules need to be different for different people. No two people act the same so the punishments should fit the people too.

I hope you get to have a peaceful weekend anyway!

Firstly, the reason she was late was because she was waiting for her other friend who wasn't quite ready to leave - not a good enough excuse - and, yes, I did ask for a n explanation of why she was late before making my decision as to her punishment.

I am also from a military background and had much the same upbringing as you and I don't resent my parents for it at all. I have a wonderful relationship with my Dad, who was very much the disciplinarian in our house and, I believe, as a result of my upbringing have the utmost respect for him and have learned the imprtance of punctuality.

Don't get me wrong, I am not an absolute dragon and my kids do get away with certain things - but there are two things I will not let go and they are lateness (Calne is a fairly rough area with some not nice people around later in the day so, understandably, I want them where they're supposed to be when they're supposed to be there) and lying. If you're late, then you get punished. Simple as.

Anyway, thanks everyone for your comments and insight into your own parenting (and proposed parenting) styles. I value your input but the fact remains she is still grounded and, as school is closed again today, I suspect I'm in for another day of moaning and whining Wish me luck

 

[natalielongstaff]

Anyway, thanks everyone for your comments and insight into your own parenting (and proposed parenting) styles. I value your input but the fact remains she is still grounded and, as school is closed again today, I suspect I'm in for another day of moaning and whining Wish me luck

oh roll on the summer !

 

[wicket2005]

I come from a military background with strict rules, consequences and punishments and it was a living nightmare, I felt suffocated, claustrophobic and very alone, it also pushed me away and I ended up hating them.

I rebelled, got into trouble, did crap in school for a while and tried to end my life a few times so I refuse point blank to be like that with my own (8 and 10) and for the most part it's fair punishment but I am not a pushover and thankfully my kids don't really turn on the water works because we talk about what they did wrong and what they think they should have done etc.

!

Just wanted to say well done you Paula for rising above the childhood you had and bringing your own children up in a different parenting style because of it.

 

[PoppyAnna]

Firstly, I would like to say, I have just read this tread as I haven't been around for a few days and whilst its maybe time to move on, I do have an opinion and the thread is still open.

I agree totally, punishments should fit the crime. Anything could have happened in those 10 minutes to make her late.

I personally think she was being quite responsible by letting you know she was going to be late, after all, if she thought she was going to get grounded for 10 days for being 10 minutes late then why bother telling you in the first place, she could have just rolled up late, the punishment would still have been the same.

We have rules and consequences in our house too but in some instances I let my children choose their own consequence, sometimes they actually punish themselves harder than what we had intended

I come from a military background with strict rules, consequences and punishments and it was a living nightmare, I felt suffocated, claustrophobic and very alone, it also pushed me away and I ended up hating them.

I rebelled, got into trouble, did crap in school for a while and tried to end my life a few times so I refuse point blank to be like that with my own (8 and 10) and for the most part it's fair punishment but I am not a pushover and thankfully my kids don't really turn on the water works because we talk about what they did wrong and what they think they should have done etc.

You have rules and that's good but sometimes rules need to be different for different people. No two people act the same so the punishments should fit the people too.

I hope you get to have a peaceful weekend anyway!

I am interested in parenting styles as like Paula my upbringing was quite strict and I wanted to explore a different approach when I had my children.
DH and I knew and agreed whilst I was pregnant with our first that smacking was never going to be on the agenda, but apart from that we didn't set any more rules, we have done this appropriately as time has gone on, and I totally agree that they MUST be stuck to.
My children are still very young (5&3) so I'm yet to encounter the issues that Joh has been experiencing.
I am an only child and until I was about seven my Mother was a single parent (her choice) she is a very strong woman, and had to cope with a lot bringing me up, bread winner etc etc I think it's fair to say to this day her life experiences have turned her hard, and our relationship isn't at all peachy.
I rebelled against her extreme strictness, which got me in trouble in quite a few areas of my life, school, police and drugs. I am not saying this to scare you but my Mum parented me without the luxury of modern technology. I didn't have a mobile phone to text her with to tell her I was going to be late! So I also think she was being very responsible keeping you in touch

We have two girls that already, behave very differently and therefore respond very differently to different punishments. It's taken us a while to work this out but I believe different punishments suit different children, just as different teaching styles suit different children (this is also the same with my two).

Firstly, the reason she was late was because she was waiting for her other friend who wasn't quite ready to leave - not a good enough excuse - and, yes, I did ask for a n explanation of why she was late before making my decision as to her punishment.


Don't get me wrong, I am not an absolute dragon and my kids do get away with certain things - but there are two things I will not let go and they are lateness (Calne is a fairly rough area with some not nice people around later in the day so, understandably, I want them where they're supposed to be when they're supposed to be there) and lying. If you're late, then you get punished. Simple as.

Anyway, thanks everyone for your comments and insight into your own parenting (and proposed parenting) styles. I value your input but the fact remains she is still grounded and, as school is closed again today, I suspect I'm in for another day of moaning and whining Wish me luck

I'm just wondering if your DD was waiting for her friend so that they travelled together in an area that you may have mentioned previously to her that wasn't so safe, in he back of her mind she was thinking "safety in numbers" and better she arrive safely, even if late.

Hope the grounding goes by fast and painless

 

[higgy66]

I think the point here is not what the punishment was - as parents only we can decided that - but that the punishment was upheld and I think Joh has done the right thing here.

Who's to say in future those times/punishments are adapted but when her daughter left the house that morning those rules were in place.

I think from reading between the lines of the mother daughter posts on here - there's a lot of respect going on - the very fact her daughter can make jokes about the punishment shows deep down she respects her mother.

I came from what I thought was a strict background compared to my friends but I can totally see now where my parents were coming from and love them even more for it now i'm a parent myself.

As my girls are only young I hope Joh can remember this and then pass on her pearls of wisdom when I need help with 2 teenage girls!

 

[mandymouse]

I'm just wondering if your DD was waiting for her friend so that they travelled together in an area that you may have mentioned previously to her that wasn't so safe, in he back of her mind she was thinking "safety in numbers" and better she arrive safely, even if late.

I think this is the one thing that worries me the most. I'm pretty laid back, it's no big deal to me if they're a few minutes late, as long as they let me know where they are and who they're with. But I would hate the idea of her having to walk home on her own ~ safety in numbers is more important to me

 

[Netty]

I come from a military background with strict rules, consequences and punishments and it was a living nightmare,

me too..

 

[wilma-bride]

I think the point here is not what the punishment was - as parents only we can decided that - but that the punishment was upheld and I think Joh has done the right thing here.

Who's to say in future those times/punishments are adapted but when her daughter left the house that morning those rules were in place.

I think from reading between the lines of the mother daughter posts on here - there's a lot of respect going on - the very fact her daughter can make jokes about the punishment shows deep down she respects her mother.

I came from what I thought was a strict background compared to my friends but I can totally see now where my parents were coming from and love them even more for it now i'm a parent myself.

As my girls are only young I hope Joh can remember this and then pass on her pearls of wisdom when I need help with 2 teenage girls!

Oh my goodness, this has just brought tears to my eyes. I do like to think my girls have respect for me. We have (as some people on here are aware of) a slightly difficult past and our relationships with each other are probably not as strong as a lot of Mother/Daughter because of circumstances. However, I do have respect for them and I can remember what I was like as a teenager and, I like to think, for the most part I am fair in my punishments. I do not introduce new rules in order to inflict punishments and, as I have just explained to another DISer by PM, the punishment was inflicted after an incident the previous day where she was almost an hour late home and wasn't punished. I just felt the next day she had pushed it too far and so the punishment was given. Thank you to those who have seen that I was only asking if I was right to stand firm with her and not for judgement on my rules/parenting skills.

 

[Snowy-girls]

I think the point here is not what the punishment was - as parents only we can decided that - but that the punishment was upheld and I think Joh has done the right thing here.

Janet you have completley taken the words right out of my mouth with your above comment.
I was'nt too sure whether to re-post on here or not with my opinion,as i don't like to upset the apple cart.
But you are right,Joh did'nt ask what we thought of her punishment,but whether she should go back on her word and let her daughter out.And Joh completley made the right decision,stood firm+did'nt.Some replies did'nt even answer her question.

I could right a book about my VERY strict upbringing(+life even though i am only 34).But i have the upmost respect,love+admiration for my Nan+Grandad(as a lot of you on here know),apart from my own family-they are my world+i believe how they raised me,punished me etc.. reflects on me now+for that i am eternally grateful to them.
I believe Joh that one day your girls+your son,will sit back+reflect on there life+thank you.x.

 

[PoppyAnna]

I think the point here is not what the punishment was - as parents only we can decided that - but that the punishment was upheld and I think Joh has done the right thing here.

Who's to say in future those times/punishments are adapted but when her daughter left the house that morning those rules were in place.

I think from reading between the lines of the mother daughter posts on here - there's a lot of respect going on - the very fact her daughter can make jokes about the punishment shows deep down she respects her mother.

I came from what I thought was a strict background compared to my friends but I can totally see now where my parents were coming from and love them even more for it now i'm a parent myself.

As my girls are only young I hope Joh can remember this and then pass on her pearls of wisdom when I need help with 2 teenage girls!

I totally agree, when I was writing my response, I actually deleted a few bits as I couldn't word them better in a hurry. When I said I thought it was responsible of Joh's DD that she was keeping in touch with her, I wrote "so you must be doing something right as I didn't make any effort to call my Mum" this sounded like Joh was doing a lot wrong and I was trying to stay positive. I don't doubt your parenting or your love for your children, Joh.

 

[wideeyes]

.And Joh completley made the right decision,stood firm+did'nt.Some replies did'nt even answer her question.

I agree she made the right descion in sticking to her guns and from reading the posts again it sounds like her DD was given an inch and ran a mile.

 

[ilovepoohbear]

I was actually out in the garden and what me and Daniel did just proves that I can have fun when being grounded

 

[natalielongstaff]

Fab pics Hun glad you had fun x x

 

[Booknut]

Well done Joh and well done ilovepoohbear for being so cool, love the snowman you and your brother made

I hope when Matilda is a teenager that I can be as level-headed and consistent at parenting as you are Joh. I've gotten some great tips from this thread, just got to remember them 13 years from now

 

[wilma-bride]

Great pics babe Well done for managing to get through the day yesterday - only 1 week to go

 

[Chilly]

Cute pictures of Daniel

 

[ilovepoohbear]

Great pics babe Well done for managing to get through the day yesterday - only 1 week to go

Yeah

 

[Lizzybear]

I think the point here is not what the punishment was - as parents only we can decided that - but that the punishment was upheld and I think Joh has done the right thing here.

I agree 100%. My parents have always been very liberal and if we were punished it was very inconsistent, I honestly can't remember having many boundaries at all as a kid and they were even more relaxed with my younger sister but, although I love them, I don't think this did us any favours. Don't want to get into too much detail (it's complicated, boring etc..) but I think consistency in discipline is so important and it's something I always try to establish with the children I work with.

 

[mark&sue]

I just wanted to re-iterate what Mandy said in that I am so grateful for moblile phones making it possible for me to keep in touch with Kirsty.

When I think back what I put my poor mum through. she never knew where I was or who I was with and we used to just say we could not find a phone box or did not have 2p (you had to push the money in when you hear it beep!!)

It would be handy to tag them with an electronic chip, I am sure that will be here in a few years.

Just love technology


susan

 

[Snowy-girls]

Great pics ,i love Daniel's little rosy red cheeks.x.