Am I being selfish? (LONG post!)

[izzy]

A little background first:

I'm 40, single, and have no kids. I have two older brothers (one 15 mintues away, the other 1.5 hours away), both with children in their teens. My folks are in their mid-70's - mom is in great health, and dad is in good/fair health. Every year on Christmas Eve, my mom hosts a dinner for the immediate and extended family.

Because I have no husband or children, my mom expects me to take her along on every vacation I want to take. My brothers never invite her on their vacations, and dad doesn't like to travel far away from home anymore. I love my mother dearly and she is the sweetest person in the world, but I'm responsible for planning everything and then having to watch after her like she is a child. (She went to Greece with me a few years ago, and I can't tell you how many times I had to stop her from stepping into a street without looking and almost getting run over by their wild motorcyclists.)

I officially got fed up with it this year, and I've decided to take a cruise BY MYSELF at Christmas - gasp! horrors! I have that whole week off from work, and it would be the perfect time to go. While the cruise leaves on Christmas day, I will need to leave on Christmas Eve. I won't be back until New Year's Day. My dad was pretty cool about it when I told him what I was doing. But, when I dropped the bomb on my mother, she said in an insincere tone "whatever you want", which we all know means "I don't approve, but I guess since you're 40, there's nothing I can say about it." I don't know if she've peeved about me leaving at Christmas and missing the family meal, or if it's because I didn't invite her - LOL!!

I know that not providing her with grandchildren has always been a sticky point with my mom, but I don't see why that means I am essentially a nobody and should only live my life for her. Both of my brothers have already told me that I am going to be responsible for taking care of the folk's when their health fails, because my brothers "have a family" and I don't.

I'd love to take a friend with me on the cruise, but my friends are either all married with children, or they can't afford it.

Anyway, after listening to me droan on and on about this, do you think I'm being selfish? I always hate to disappoint people, but I don't see what I'm doing as being so bad. Honestly, I think only my mom and dad would notice that I wasn't there at the Christmas dinner, and since they will have the grandkids there, I don't think they'll miss me that much.

Opinions?

 

[cabmom]

You are not being selfish, you are living your life! Go and enjoy your cruise!

 

[Pop Daddy]

long post

 

[Jenn Lynn]

No, you are not. Sounds like your Mother is.

Have a great trip!

 

[soccerchick]

I don't think you're being selfish at all. We all need some time away for ourselves.

My mother used to freak about the family not being together for the holidays, then my sister moved to Florida and we actually were apart for the first time. We tried to get mom to go there for Thanksgiving -- we could survive. I am in my 30s, I can cook a turkey. Anyway, mom wouldn't go and then she regretted it! lol!
Maybe your mom will be the same way -- after it's done, it won't be that big of a deal. It's more the thought of something different.

If you really want to go -- do it.

 

[Serena]

Not selfish at all. Enjoy your cruise, it sounds like you could use some quality time to yourself.

 

[cynsaun]

No, you are not being selfish at all! You deserve some time to yourself, not to mention vacations!

I love my mother dearly, but seriously I think I might strangle her if I had to take her on all my vacations with me!

 

[Princess_Aurora]

Go by yourself and have fun!!! It's not being selfish at all...you've been taking your mom on every vacation so taking one vacation for yourself won't matter...especially during a time when she will probably be busy with her other grandkids and your brothers. I think you deserve time by yourself and actually take a real vacation without having to keep an eye on your mom.

 

[Margie J]

I don't think you are being selfish at all. Every adult deserves to have some freedom, that includes us single people. Neither your parents nor your brothers should require you to do what they want you to do. What I am surprized about it that it took you this long to finally take a vacation without your Mom. If anything, your Mom is acting selfish in her response to your announcement. Take the vacation and enjoy it. There will be plenty of family around to watch over your Mom.

Even during all the years that my Mom was sick I took some time to vacation by myself. In recent years I limited the distance just in case I had to return home quickly. However, those vacations away were renewing and my Mom got usd to me going away. As long as she knew where I was, all was alright.

As for your brothers expecting you to take care of your parents when their health declines, that is selfish also. So, they have families of their own. Getting the whole family involved in the process makes it easier for everyone. I can tell you that being a caretaker with little or no help is very stressful. Besides, your brothers may regret what they didn't share with their parents in those final years. That's time you never get back. What would they be teaching their own kids about family also if they didn't participate in some way.

 

[4greatboys]

Well Im available for a Christmas cruise and I promise not to fall overboard.
Sorry your mom is unhappy with you but you need to do something for yourself sometime and not have to worry about mom. I have a friend whose mom is like that with her also. She comes from a family of 6 kids. 3 live out of state and the other 2 that live here with her are her brothers and her mom expects all of my friends free time but is not like that with the guys.
Hope all goes well for you.

 

[disykat]

You're not being selfish at all. Your mom said "whatever you want" - take it at face value, go and have a good time.

 

[MinnieM21]

I don't think you're being selfish at all! Just because you don't have children and aren't married does not mean you're obligated to take your mother on a vacation when you go on one. Have fun on your vacation and enjoy yourself, you deserve it!

 

[Lachesis00]

I say have a lovely time enjoy yourself!!!

 

[shortbun]

Who says "selfish" is bad!? Have fun and don't look back.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy> Another nod to going on that cruise, and don't let your mom give you a guilt trip. It's called being an adult and making those adult decisions. My dad still makes comments when he doesn't approve of what I'm doing, and I'm 44. Some parents just don't see us growing up. It used to tear me apart, but I've learned to deal with it, and I enjoy the things I do. Oh - and when he saw that those comments don't affect my decisions, he backs down.

Have a great time on your cruise.

 

[Chattyaholic]

ITA with everyone else. Go on your Christmas cruise, have a great time and do NOT feel guilty for not bringing your Mom with you. Goodness, if you've always taken her with you on your other vacations you certainly deserve to take one alone. I feel that your Mom is the selfish one, for her attitude. And if I were you I would be telling my brothers that under no circumstances would I be the ONLY one providing care for our elderly parents, your parents are THEIR parents too and just because "they have families and you don't" doesn't mean you don't have a LIFE!!! They need to share in the responsibility I think!!

 

[frustrated]

Enjoy your cruise. You cannot make everyone else happy in life! You sound like you have been a big blesing to your mom. Try to remember that!

 

[Disney Ella]

Selfish?! It's about time you did something for yourself. I can't imagine feeling that I had to take my DM on every vacation. You have your own life apart from being a part of the family, and I don't see why you have to explain anything or feel guilty about anything you do with your own life.

 

[Ranatra]

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. It's not selfish in the least! I'm so glad you are taking this trip alone. I hope you have a fantastic time!

I also think it's selfish of your brothers to expect you to be the caretaker just because they have families. How convenient for them.
Let me also say that even if you did have a family they would still expect you to be the caretaker.
My mom lives with DH and I and has for the last 15 years. My sister and I take full care of her. I get absolutely no help from any of my 3 brothers. It's sad. My mom is now suffering from some type of dementia and it can be trying at times. But I know that I am doing everything that I can possibly do to care for her and when she is no longer here I'm hoping that will comfort me in some small way, that I had this time with her.
Why my brothers choose not to spend time with her, I'm not sure, I think they're selfish and I think they're missing out and they're not smart enough to see that. Sorry, long post!

 

[tigger 12]

You are not being selfish at all. It's selfish of your mom to expect you to stop your life for her. I also think it's selfish of your brothers to expect you to take care of mom & dad just because you don't have a husband or children. That's wrong!! You go and have a great time on your cruise and don't feel guilty!! This is your life and you have to live it to the fullest. Nothing is wrong doing something for yourself to make you happy!!! You deserve it!!