Am I being petty? Looooong... Update pg 5

[LuvOrlando]

You aren't being petty at all. This woman needs to find her OWN man to lean on for support, not yours. My DH would get 2 chances to make it clear to her he is off limits but after that it would be between me and her, and I ain't the sort of woman a person wants for an enemy and messing with my family is a pretty quick way to make an enemy out of me. This woman is toying with your DH and using her loss as a way back into your DH's world, don't give her an inch. If she was easy expecting no ties back then she would be just as easy now, i doubt your marriage would be a deterrent for her. I'd send her packing in a hurry and would MAKE SURE she knew I knew all about the communications, in fact I'd probably send her a Condolences card explain how I knew she asked us to come but that WE couldn't due to _______. It's passive aggressive girl-speak for back up off the line your stomping all over.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

What is a HUGE over-reaction? Not going to the services? That was the original topic, no? If that is what you are saying then I can't help but think that you are either very young, not married, or both. If I misunderstand your post, then my apologies.
Maybe the woman has matured and the text was innocent and she really didn't do anything "wrong" or w/ an ulterior motive; but MAYBE NOT-and why on earth would the OP and her husband want to take that chance? They had unpleasant dealings with this woman early on in their relationship (she texted him about wanting to be with him knowing he was w/ the OP, and then continued to do so when he asked her not to-who needs that?!) and they finally got her out of their lives. How smart would it be for him to show up at her time of need and run the risk of starting up the late night texting all over again--why would you do that to yourselves?! Why in the world would any happily married couple purposefully revisit this relationship?

The huge overreaction is the people calling this woman a stalker and thinking of ways to change his cell phone or block her texts. Again, SIX years ago, when they were NOT married, the woman sent a few drunken texts. Six years later, she let the husband know about the death and the services. Two messages in six years? And people are calling her a stalker? Really? THAT is an overreaction. And, lol, I am both married, and not too young. To me, the "young" response calls for changing a cell phone after six years of no contact because of two non-sexual messages. I guess as you get older you get a better perspective of what really constitutes an imminent threat and what is pure overreaction. And, hopefully, after six years of marriage the trust is there -- no matter who has the cell phone number.

 

[lillygator]

aren
t the texts current?

 

[Disney Doll]

You are not being petty.
Trust your gut.
Buy the book by Gavin deBecker called "The Gift of Fear".
What it tells you about dealing with people who have stalker-like tendencies is that you do not continue to interact with them.

You state your case, then you never have contact again. If you have contact again, all it tells the person is that it will take 10 texts to get you to talk to them.

Your DH has been perfectly honest with you and his instincts are good in this case to NOT DO ANYTHING ELSE. She called, he gave condolences,period. No need to attend a wake, no need to send a card, no need to do anything.

The only other advice I would give is to not respond to texts, phone calls, emails. A brief "hello" if he passes her at work...civil, that's it.

I agree with what bumbershoot said:
"If I were her...silence would probably be the best thing. Well, and finding someone that she can actually fall in love with and leave behind her past. Silence can't be argued with, reasoned with, persuaded. Silence helps to heal, over time. It's harder because she's at work, but there can be silence when he's not passing her in the hallways. Blocking a phone number is an idea, but just not responding is a better one."

If he continues to take her calls or texts "once in a while" she will think she still has a chance.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

aren
t the texts current?

According to the OP, the only texts sent since they have been married (for six years) were about the death and the service. If she thought she still had a chance, where has she been for SIX years? The OP admits they were friends with benefits. For some, the operative word is benefits, but they were still friends first. If this had been on ongoing barrage, I would totally understand. But it sounds like these are the first texts in six years. I think she gets the message and was reaching out to an old friend. Again, if it goes on? I see a problem. But, as of now, I just don't get it.

 

[disykat]

Again, if it goes on? I see a problem. But, as of now, I just don't get it.

Okay, I'd agree with you - EXCEPT you were the one recommending going to the funeral etc. What people are trying to say is that he's responded, it should be done. There is no reason to start up a relationship with someone that has been trouble in their past. That's where the "if it goes on..." begins.

 

[Mermaid02]

The huge overreaction is the people calling this woman a stalker and thinking of ways to change his cell phone or block her texts. Again, SIX years ago, when they were NOT married, the woman sent a few drunken texts. Six years later, she let the husband know about the death and the services. Two messages in six years? And people are calling her a stalker? Really? THAT is an overreaction. And, lol, I am both married, and not too young. To me, the "young" response calls for changing a cell phone after six years of no contact because of two non-sexual messages. I guess as you get older you get a better perspective of what really constitutes an imminent threat and what is pure overreaction. And, hopefully, after six years of marriage the trust is there -- no matter who has the cell phone number.

I don't think anyone called her a stalker- but said the potential was there (and based on her past behavior with others it most certainly is).

My advice was to change the number- it's quick, easy and it tells her "Gee, he changed his number and didn't give me the new one MAYBE HE REALLY DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME" without any confrontation. The OP and her dh are on the same page- nobody is over reacting.

 

[jfoofj]

SO... we didn't go to the services, didn't send a card, we were ok with those choices and figured that was the end of it, right? Riiiiiiiiiight.

DH was talking to one of the guys at his work who also knows this girl and he said to my DH that she was telling people that DH didn't go to the wake because "Jfoofj wouldn't let him". Ummmm, I OFFERED to go with him. He didn't want to go. I asked him if he said anything at all to anyone that could be construed as me "not letting him" go, and he said nope. He also told this guy that I was ok w/ him going, that HE DIDN'T WANT TO GO. I admit, I did look at the phone bill and his email, and felt like dirt after because there is no communication there... I can't believe I even doubted him. This freaking nut job is making me question my own DH.

Now, they work for the same company, different depts and and different buildings. The occasionally run into each other at the cafeteria, credit union, etc. They just recently got to the point of saying "hi" to each other again after years of her pretending she couldn't see him after he rebuked her attempts at contact. I am fine w/ him being cordial to her in the halls, and I would have been fine with them chit chatting "Hey, how is the family, vacation, life, etc" at this point too. It has been long enough, I figured she was over it. I guess not.

I know this is SO juvenile and such a "he said/she said" situation that belongs in high school but it just burns my britches.

 

[waltsgirl]

OMG let the whole thing go. How do you know the guy that knows the girl that knows you husband was even telling the truth.

Checking your husband's phone bill and texts doesn't sound like trust to me. I have access to all that also and I don't check it....

 

[OceanAnnie]

SO... we didn't go to the services, didn't send a card, we were ok with those choices and figured that was the end of it, right? Riiiiiiiiiight.

DH was talking to one of the guys at his work who also knows this girl and he said to my DH that she was telling people that DH didn't go to the wake because "Jfoofj wouldn't let him". Ummmm, I OFFERED to go with him. He didn't want to go. I asked him if he said anything at all to anyone that could be construed as me "not letting him" go, and he said nope. He also told this guy that I was ok w/ him going, that HE DIDN'T WANT TO GO. I admit, I did look at the phone bill and his email, and felt like dirt after because there is no communication there... I can't believe I even doubted him. This freaking nut job is making me question my own DH.

Now, they work for the same company, different depts and and different buildings. The occasionally run into each other at the cafeteria, credit union, etc. They just recently got to the point of saying "hi" to each other again after years of her pretending she couldn't see him after he rebuked her attempts at contact. I am fine w/ him being cordial to her in the halls, and I would have been fine with them chit chatting "Hey, how is the family, vacation, life, etc" at this point too. It has been long enough, I figured she was over it. I guess not.

I know this is SO juvenile and such a "he said/she said" situation that belongs in high school but it just burns my britches.

It's believable. Sounds like more of the same with this girl. I think as a couple you are wise to stay away from this woman. I don't see how the woman could even send a text to your DH about the deceased family member. They parted ways on bad terms. Her calling him a jerk to co-workers and not speaking for so long wasn't "friendly". The whole thing is strange and I'd question it too.

She just sounds very off.

 

[shortbun]

Let it go. Really.

 

[disykat]

I'm not sure why people are scolding you for updating. I do find it interesting that many of our fears were confirmed, she obviously has some sort of agenda regarding your husband. You are right to be watchful, she is the one that needs to get over this.

I think your husband is smart to keep you in the loop and I think you are right to be interested in this. If you had so little interest in your husband that you couldn't bring yourself to care if someone was interested in him I would find THAT concering!

 

[Gwendolyn]

You don't seem like a jalouse person, and that you feel this amount of mistrust towards this woman is just your intuïtion speeking.
You are right. She is a snake. And don't let her into both your lives at all.
Do not give the girl anything to tempt her to go after your husband.

Before my husband and I met he had a female-best friend. They never got physical and all. But they did go on vacation together, spend lots of their free time together. And then I came in his life. She was happy for him at first. But when my husband and I were dating for 10 months I found out that I was pregnant (yep sometimes condoms and anti conception pills are not enough) and she spread the word that I tricked my husband in staying with me,. Like my husband would let himself being tricked like that.
Although my husband didnt believe me when I told him that she was the person spreading the rumour, he still ended their friendship because I was uncomfortable with it.

Now years later she has her own husband and baby. And she admits that she was stupid in the past. So I dont mind us having contact with her. But I still wont be happy if he would meet her without me being there.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'm not sure why people are scolding you for updating. I do find it interesting that many of our fears were confirmed, she obviously has some sort of agenda regarding your husband. You are right to be watchful, she is the one that needs to get over this.

I think your husband is smart to keep you in the loop and I think you are right to be interested in this. If you had so little interest in your husband that you couldn't bring yourself to care if someone was interested in him I would find THAT concering!

ITA with all of the above.

 

[Mermaid02]

I'm not sure why people are scolding you for updating. I do find it interesting that many of our fears were confirmed, she obviously has some sort of agenda regarding your husband. You are right to be watchful, she is the one that needs to get over this.

I think your husband is smart to keep you in the loop and I think you are right to be interested in this. If you had so little interest in your husband that you couldn't bring yourself to care if someone was interested in him I would find THAT concering!

What she said.

Don't worry about checking his phone again- if she calls he will tell you.

The thing about her telling folks you "wouldnt' let" him go is this- it's what she REALLY believes. I'm sure she has convinced herself of it. I think he ought to stop being "cordial" and just go to work, do his job and come home. She needs a dose of reality.

 

[Mimi1965]

I would not go to a co-workers' loved one's funeral unless I was VERY close to that co-worker. She is making a big thing out of nothing.

Just forget about it and move on.

 

[jfoofj]

Hi again...

I'm sure the update may have come across that I am obsessing about this... honestly I was pissed for about a hour, more pissed that my old fears from having been cheated on constantly by my xH kicked in and made me want to verify that what DH was telling me is the truth. I am done being angry, and in a way, I pity this girl.

This girl is toxic, she has issues, but I don't need to make them my issues. DH and I are in a REALLY good place with all of this and thankfully he starts training at a different location in August for 3 months, so he won't even have to deal with bumping into her randomly at work. She will hopefully find someone else to focus on, I just hope it is a single guy and not some former flame who is in a relationship... she seems to LIKE to start trouble.

Thanks again for all the responses, I appreciate. Take care everyone.

 

[RadioFanatic]