Am I being petty? Looooong... Update pg 5

[jfoofj]

.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

In a word? Yes. Somewhat justifiably so, but still petty. Either you trust your spouse or you don't. That is not about her, it is about you. Whether or not it "opens the door", they had a friendship, and a card, or even going to a service is a nice thing to do. I think you SHOULD go along -- it shows what grown-ups both of you are. Able to put the past in the past without having to pretend like it never happened. That is the true measure of moving on.

 

[N&B'smom]

Nope, I don't think you're being petty at all based on how you have described her here. It sounds like it doesn't take much for her to latch on and you certainly don't want your DH put in that position again. (she still has his cell # after 6+ years???)

 

[JVL1018]

I think your husband is right not to go. It's not like he wants to and you're stopping him. He doesn't want to and you agree. Should be no issue and she will get it when he doesn;t show up. I wouldn't send a card either. They have no relationship, so no need-he said he was sorry for her loss. He's done.

People don't need to go to every wake and funeral of everyone they're acquainted with. Let her friends be the ones to support her.

No reason to keep people in your life when they serve no purpose for you.

 

[OceanAnnie]

No.

I don't think you are overreacting. She revealed her intentions in the past with your DH and another co-worker. Neither you or your DH need the hassle, again.

Your DH has let it be known long ago he did not want to continue the relationship. Maybe she is fishing. Maybe she is looking for an "in".

 

[MushyMushy]

No, I think she has proven that she has no respect for your relationship, so I don't think you are being petty. Your husband sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders, though. Give him a pat on the back!

I don't have a problem with my husband having female friends until they cross "that" boundary (everybody has a different line to cross, a different comfort level). I also think people can change, so I'm usually willing to give another chance. One of my hubby's oldest friends was so petty and hurt when he and I got married, but after all these years and lots of growing up, she's now becoming my friend too.

 

[minkydog]

SO, while I feel bad for her, I don't want her introduced to our lives again. She made it clear a long time ago that she would be there if/when DH and I didn't work out. I wouldn't put it past her to try to work her way back in to DH's life, and while I trust him I just don't need that kind of stuff in my life. I almost want to block her number on DH's cell, but I think that might be over reacting.

Am I being petty? I know this is MY issue and DH is VERY patient and understanding but I really want NO PART of this woman in our lives.

I don't think you are. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. That's another way of saying, if you give this woman an inch she's going to feel free to take the whole enchilada. I think your husband has done enough. She texted him, he texted his condolences. He is under no obligation to attend the funeral of a person he doesn't know just because he once had an intimate relationship with this woman. If you all feel the need to respond to her, send a card and sign your names "Mr & Mrs Jfoofj".

Is there a reason that your husband hasn't already blocked her emails and texts? Hmmm...

 

[Handbag Lady]

SO... tell me if I am over-reacting.

Years ago, when DH and I started dating he had a female... er... "friend" who was kind of a friends-with-benefits type friend. After he and his ex had divorced he wasn't looking for any kind of relationship and she was supposedly ok that. When we started dating, he ended that part of their friendship, but he would still run into her at work and she texted/emailed him all. the time. I tried to be ok with it, but my previous marriage ended due to infidelity and I really had a hard time with her texting all the time, even though I didn't want to punish him for stuff he never did to me. WELL, it all came to a head one night when she texted him LATE (like, 1am), she must have been drinking, but she went off on him about how he never gave them a chance blah blah blah. I flipped. He was sleeping at my place that night and the text woke us. He called her the next day (in front of me) and told her that he was sorry if she was hurt, but that he was in a relationship and he didn't appreciate her texting like that. She texted a couple more times (his bday, the holidays) always late at night after drinking and DH just ignored them. BTW, I have complete access to the phone bill and I DID check it, I admit, to confirm that he didn't text her back later, because I couldn't believe someone would continue to text after all that time without encouragement.

SO, they didn't talk, even at work (she even told a bunch of people what a jerk he was, very juvenile stuff) and things went on. We got married, bought our house, lived our lives. He would see her every now and then (they work at a VERY large place of employment, not even in the same depts) and over that last year or so she started acknowledging him and saying hi again, which he told me and I was fine with, after all, we are talking 6+ years having past.

Well, recently she lost a family member that she had been caring for during their lengthy illness and treatment. I DO feel bad for her, I know that she really focused a lot of her time and energy being the primary caregiver and this is a huge loss. She texted DH about the death and he texted back that he was very sorry for her loss. She then texted about when the wake/service was going to be held. DH doesn't want to go to either, he didn't know her family member and they haven't been friends for years. I am uncomfortable with her even texting him again... which is petty, I know.... and I told him that IF he chooses to go to the wake I would want to go with him. Right now he is saying he isn't going, isn't sending a card, is just letting it go because he doesn't want her to perceive it as being opening the door to her being back in his life.

As an aside, she briefly dated a co-worker of DH's a couple years ago and when they broke up she pretty much full on harassed him, driving by his house, calling, texting, etc. She doesn't seem to let go too easily. DH's co-worker said she was a "haunt" for a long time.

SO, while I feel bad for her, I don't want her introduced to our lives again. She made it clear a long time ago that she would be there if/when DH and I didn't work out. I wouldn't put it past her to try to work her way back in to DH's life, and while I trust him I just don't need that kind of stuff in my life. I almost want to block her number on DH's cell, but I think that might be over reacting.

Am I being petty? I know this is MY issue and DH is VERY patient and understanding but I really want NO PART of this woman in our lives.

Yes, you are being petty but so would I in your shoes. You DH has made it very clear to you that you are the one, not her. But her track record isn't stellar and there is no way I'd put up with the late-night texting crap.

And of course you and your DH feels bad for her. But, I'd leave it at that and not open any doors.

 

[Shreggor]

She would not be in our lives, My FI and I have a very strict no exes (and we both define ex is anyone you had "relations" with) policy and we have none of this crap in our relationship

 

[Heidict]

No, I don't think you are overreacting at all. She sounds like she was hoping that this friends with benefits thing would have become more permanent, then when you came into the picture and he cut her off, she was upset and continued to try to get back a relationship with your DH.

I would not want her in my life either. I don't think going to the funeral is needed in this case, seeing as how he didn't even know the person who died, and that he has not really spoken to her let alone been friends with her for many years.

If anything, send a card and make sure that it is signed with both of your names. Even doing that though is stretching it and not necessary in this situations.

 

[Mermaid02]

They are no longer friends- he shouldn't go to the wake or funeral- you are not being petty- he needs a new cell phone number.

 

[OceanAnnie]

They are no longer friends- he shouldn't go to the wake or funeral- you are not being petty- he needs a new cell phone number.

True!

 

[shirleyb]

I think you and your DH are fine with not going to the funeral. I think YOU should send a card from the two of you, since he does work with her, but that's as far as I would go. (I would make sure the card was in my handwriting, not DH's)

 

[Jennasis]

He should not attend the services or send a card or acknowledge her in any way. It only encourages her Fatal Attraction tendencies. he SHOULD get a new number.

 

[disykat]

No, you are not being petty. He is on dangerous turf and you are being smart to acknowledge that. He replied to her with a sympathy sentiment, which was appropriate, but that should be IT. Sometimes you have to know when NOT to open doors. Both you and your dh suspect she will jump on any kind of opening, so don't give it.

She is in a vulnerable place right now and it would be the kindest thing, IMO,not to give her any false impressions.

 

[handinpocket]

I think you and your DH are fine with not going to the funeral. I think YOU should send a card from the two of you, since he does work with her, but that's as far as I would go. (I would make sure the card was in my handwriting, not DH's)

I find that childish and petty. It only encourages her to respond and stay in the OP's life. The best response is NO response.

 

[jfoofj]

Thanks for all the replies. I really appreciate all the input.

Just to give a little background.... the family member who died was diagnosed/had surgery/began treatment years ago when DH was involved with this girl, so, while he didn't know the family member I guess he was there for her while she dealt with getting this news. The family member had gone into remission but obviously became ill again.

As for DH's cell phone number.... he has had the same phone number since 1994 and he won't change it, and I wouldn't expect him to. He shouldn't have to, I think. If need be, she can be blocked, but I sincerely hope it doesn't come to that. He didn't block it years ago because, frankly, we didn't know you could do that back then. I have no idea why she still has his number, I guess she never deleted it out of her contacts, which speaks to her intentions if you ask me. (Meow).

I think that because they have been friendlier in recent times (just saying hi in the hall/cafeteria/etc) at work she feels that she was ok to text him the news. Which is fine, I guess. When she texted the info on the services I was taken aback a bit. DH says he isn't going to either wake or funeral and doesn't want to send a card. I hate to say it, but I feel better that he feels that way, but if he had wanted to go or send a card I would have been with him and I would have signed the card!

I do trust DH. I don't trust this girl (I have a hard time even referring to her as a woman because she was so juvenile in the past). I think that if she was given any iota of an opportunity she would jump on it. She knew that her texting/emailing bothered me years ago so I think she did a lot of it just to irk me. Maybe she has changed, but some friendships have an expiration date and I hers with my DH has long since expired.

I feel a bit better that most of you think that while I might be being a bit petty (admittedly so) that I am not 100% unjustified in feeling so. I REALLY do feel sorry for her loss, I just want NO part of her in my life.

I hate it that I feel like this, I wish I didn't, but I think after you have been cheated on you never really lose that "what if" feeling.

 

[Cat0727]

I think you did the right thing. As a PP said, the best response was no response. I would have reacted the same way if I was in your shoes. Hopefully after this she doesn't contact your DH again.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

She would not be in our lives, My FI and I have a very strict no exes (and we both define ex is anyone you had "relations" with) policy and we have none of this crap in our relationship

Lol, if my fiance and I had that rule, we wouldn't be allowed to be friends with a lot of our friends .

 

[jfoofj]

I just wanted to add, too, that DH does have female friends, and I am ok with that that... in fact one of his female friends from high school has become a great friend of mine. One of his best friends is now dating a girl who my DH dated years ago, and was physically involved with. We have gone out with them as couples and I have had NO problem with that. She is clearly involved with DH's friend now and there is no blurring of boundaries with her. I think you can tell when someone's intentions are less than honorable, I just get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Maybe I have radar for it now... after years of being lied to and cheated on I guess I picked up cheat-dar.