Am I being cheap re a BBQ?

[RadioFanatic]

I was shocked too no one offer. And honestly, it's not normally how they are. And the out of towners are coming in friday night, so it's easy to shop saturday or even sunday morning to get buns, chips, soda, whatever.

It's a weekend thing for the get together so for saturday, I reserved a back room at a restaurant (ressie is free there) and everyone is ordering their own thing and paying their own thing - separate checks (my idea); but they wanted a bbq for sunday. I even looked into the local parks but you have to pay to use and I wasn't willing to be the one to pay the bill, kwim?

 

[Shelly F - Ohio]

Maybe you could send an email or call and say, " I would like to know what you will be bringing so that we don't end up with everyone bring a dessert". Maybe then that will get the ball rolling with others bring a dish or stuff for the party.
Thats what I do with my family. I have the biggest house so I always offer to have it at my house and I will provide the meat and everyone else brings a dish. Then I ask what others are bringing just so we don't ended up with everyone bringing the same stuff. I have a nephew who flys in from Dallas and he is in charge of bringing ice. Figured his wife would not have to cook and stopping for ice on the way to our house is easy.

OP here. Uncle coming from SC, parents from Va, I'm in NY and all others here. I guess I'm surprised bc I mentioned it to my mom and she complained how is she supposed to bring anything when she is traveling - very unexpected bc not her nature. Then when I talked to others, no one mentioned bringing food, which also seemed bizarred and unusual. So I guess I got gunshy.

I was going to do a hot dog bbq (our family loves them) with a hot dog bar. that way people could bring hotdogs, buns, soda etc. that didnt' necessarily need to be cooked, and I would make a big pot of chili and pasta salad, regular salad and some other hot dog fixings. Just was surprised at how no one offered anything, esp. when this wasn't my idea to begin with.

 

[powellrj]

OP I am surprised that no one offered to bring anything either. I know with my family, we always have an over abundance of dishes, and everyone always offers to help.

I just wanted to add, I am known as a pretty good cook in my family, and it would make me FURIOUS to have someone call me and tell me that everyone loves a dish of mine, can I please bring it. Call me and ask me to bring a vegtable, a dessert or a salad. Tell me what others are bringing so we don't piggy-back, but don't call me and tell me what to bring. That special dish you want may be really expensive or time-consuming and you are really putting someone on the spot when you say that. Its not a compliment, its putting someone in a bad position.

 

[SandrA9810]

OP I am surprised that no one offered to bring anything either. I know with my family, we always have an over abundance of dishes, and everyone always offers to help.

I just wanted to add, I am known as a pretty good cook in my family, and it would make me FURIOUS to have someone call me and tell me that everyone loves a dish of mine, can I please bring it. Call me and ask me to bring a vegtable, a dessert or a salad. Tell me what others are bringing so we don't piggy-back, but don't call me and tell me what to bring. That special dish you want may be really expensive or time-consuming and you are really putting someone on the spot when you say that. Its not a compliment, its putting someone in a bad position.

Well she needs to get the point across to some how say "BRING FOOD". Because just as you might be annoyed to make your favorite get together dish, it's rude not to offer something.
I guess two wrongs don't make a right.

 

[tlh0726]

I see nothing wrong with asking everyone to bring a side dish. Definitely make a list of what you want there and assign a person to it and make sure they know how many people are expected. Saves alot of duplicates and everyone bringing just a bag of chips. LOL!!

However, after hosting several get togethers I now provide everything that I want to definitely be there from the start and when someone asks what they should bring I say some type of dessert.
People have busy schedules and having food arrive after the majority of people have already eaten is such a waste.
Not having someone show up with a 1lb container of potato salad when you have 35 plus people to feed makes it more relaxing time for me.
I know everything is there, no plan changes, and if someone has something last minute come up, I am not scrambling.

 

[monorailsilver]

My friends host a BBQ twice a year (Memorial & Labor Day).

They are upfront & they provide the meat & the drinks & we all bring a side & dessert. No one has any issues but that is how it is done where we live. Heck if I am invited to someones house to swim, I at least bring treats for all the kids.

I have no issues with being told to bring something. Why should the host have to pay for the entire thing.

Oh & a few of us always help her clean up, wash the dishes, pack the food up, etc... This way when we leave she isn't stuck with a big mess.

 

[ricktib]

Lots of good suggestions here, and nice that you're being so thoughtful about it. Just don't do like a "frugal" friend of mine and put out BBQ invitations saying, "Bring your own meat." He's still ridiculed years later.

 

[Zandy595]

Lots of good suggestions here, and nice that you're being so thoughtful about it. Just don't do like a "frugal" friend of mine and put out BBQ invitations saying, "Bring your own meat." He's still ridiculed years later.

Or even worse, make you pay them for the meat you eat. My inlaws did that once.

 

[StitchBuddy]

My family does this everytime we get together. We live anywhere from 15 mins to 4 hours from each other. But, everyone knows who is expected to bring which item. I am always in charge of deviled eggs, and cherry cream cheese pies. The eggs I usually make when we arrive, but I make the pies ahead of time and freeze them, then stick them in a cooler. Everyone brings their signature dish. It works out great. Good luck and have fun!

 

[Dziactor]

Defiantly ask people to bring stuff.

 

[ricktib]

Or even worse, make you pay them for the meat you eat. My inlaws did that once.

Yeah, my inlaws take up a collection sometimes too.

 

[tlbwriter]

Lots of good suggestions here, and nice that you're being so thoughtful about it. Just don't do like a "frugal" friend of mine and put out BBQ invitations saying, "Bring your own meat." He's still ridiculed years later.

This is actually customary and expected in some parts of the country. Not mine, and apparently not yours either, but somewhere. So I've been told.

 

[crisi]

This is actually customary and expected in some parts of the country. Not mine, and apparently not yours either, but somewhere. So I've been told.

It isn't that uncommon in my circle of friends. We have had a lot of vegetarians, pescatarians, etc in our group of friends over the years, so finding something to BBQ that everyone can/wants to eat can get tough. So its "bring your own something to grill" and the host provides the sides.

We've also been to the "come over and then we'll order Chinese/Pizza and split the bill" parties.

As long as the expectation is set up front, there isn't really a "wrong" way to do it. Well, there is a right way, host and pay for everything, but that isn't always a realistic expectation.

 

[kittychatalot]

if they want to bring something bring a dessert. I'm from the north and people do not regularly bring things to someones home. It is frankly considered rude. I can't stand, now living in the south, when people bring things to my parties, which completely don't go with what i am serving. I would not have people over if I could not afford to serve them.

 

[mjkacmom]

if they want to bring something bring a dessert. I'm from the north and people do not regularly bring things to someones home. It is frankly considered rude. I can't stand, now living in the south, when people bring things to my parties, which completely don't go with what i am serving. I would not have people over if I could not afford to serve them.

Where in the north? I can't imagine showing up empty handed to a gathering, and when RSVPing, one always asks "what can I bring?" Now, for gift giving occasions, people don't usually bring anything except the gift.

 

[Donnainnj]

I was invited via Facebook to a BBQ that we went to this weekend. On the invite it said it would be easy, Hamburgers and hot dogs. All the replies went to all, and at one point the host made a list of what the people responding had agreed to bring. I took that list and decided on what could be added without repeating and replied to all what I was bringing. If you all Facebook it may be helpful to find one or two close relatives that you can call and ask them to bring something and then send out a list on a message to all on Facebook along with what you will be providing. It may spur others to add to the list without duplicating. Maybe even add on the end that for anyone traveling that wanted to contribute it would be great if they could kick in some soda/beer/wine, ice or whatever you need.
Donna

 

[CaFeeney]

Don't give us up in the North a bad rep! I am in Massachusetts and I pretty much everyone in my circle of family/friends always brings something to a get-together. Can't remember the last time I went to someone's home and didn't bring anything or ask what to bring..hmmm, nope, can't remember.
Tomorrow night I have a meeting for my DD's school at a mom's house and I am bringing something, I would feel rude if I didn't.
Not really thinking anyone I know (and we are pretty North - on the NH border) that would ever think you were rude to bring something you made...

 

[Tinkmom]

Or even worse, make you pay them for the meat you eat. My inlaws did that once.

Wow, I thought that only happened to me! Out of town for work one day, I was asked that morning, by a very wealthy "boss" of sorts, if I would like to go to a BBQ lunch at his home with his wife and a few other out-of-town employees. He said it was just a last minute, casual gathering but they'd love to have me attend. I said "sure."

I am a very light lunch eater, but had a nice enough time chatting with everyone. As I leave, I am told by a co-worker that she paid my $10 for lunch and I could reimburse her later!!! I must have looked as shocked as I felt, because she said that she had also accepted the invitation, then just before we were leaving to follow the boss to his house, he mentioned that everyone could "just pitch in $10 to pay for the meat" and by then it was like we were all obligated to go. The kicker was that there wasn't much meat to be had, period, and he definitely received more money than was spent on all the food there.

One of the more bizarre "invitations" I've every gotten.

 

[RadioFanatic]

Lots of good suggestions here, and nice that you're being so thoughtful about it. Just don't do like a "frugal" friend of mine and put out BBQ invitations saying, "Bring your own meat." He's still ridiculed years later.

Funny you should say this, and an update as well. My mom called and asked if I could get something on her behalf and she would pay me back. I gave her choices and she on her own said she would pay for the hot dogs with buns. As there are only 15 of use, we're talking about 5 packs of buns at 79 cents each from aldi's and five packs of hot dogs - which are B1G1 free (ballpark) this week. Another aunt is bringin a pasta salad (she asked). We'll see what happens.

 

[tlbwriter]

Not really thinking anyone I know (and we are pretty North - on the NH border) that would ever think you were rude to bring something you made...

It depends on the occasion. If someone is throwing a dinner party and they have the whole menu planned, it's kind of rude to bring your own dish without clearing it with the host. How would you feel if you'd cooked an elegant French dinner, for example, and one of your guests showed up with a big bowl of taco salad to share? Hosts should be allowed to plan their own menu when desired.