Am I Bad?

[TenThousandVolts]

Ok- I am keeping a secret from my DH. I am secretly saving for more points. I have a special account set aside for either a CRV add-on (when/if) or if that doesn't come about, or is too pricey, I will probably do a small BWV add-on.

The money is coming 100% from eBay and my freelance work that I do from home while my kids are at school.

Of course, if an unexpected major expense comes up- I will forfeit this stash (or some %age) rather than going into our savings. So the question is:If you found out your spouse was stashing cash- would you be mad? (Oh and pretend that they were stashing it for something that you don't particularly care about)

PS: I will not BUY a contract without telling him- I just want to have all the cash ready- and then say, "Honey, I have been saving my pennies and this is what I really, really want." At that point it will just seem like found money to him and I think he will be fine with it.

 

[pumpkinboy]

Saving money on the side is a well-practised art. Well-done! I think that some husnds (those with control issues) might have a problem if they found out DW was stashing money away on the side, but I think most (those secure in themselves and their marriage) would think it was great.

On the other hand, a husband stashing money away on the sly, that's a touchier subject; it might be to keep his mistress or something

Seriously, when we got married, my father set up an account that was only mine, and stashed some money in it that I could use to buy presents for my wife outside of the marital account (and so she needn't know how much it cost). I told my wife that I had this account, and its purpose (which made it acceptable of course).

 

[BeccaG]

when we got married, my father set up an account that was only mine, and stashed some money in it that I could use to buy presents for my wife outside of the marital account (and so she needn't know how much it cost). I told my wife that I had this account, and its purpose (which made it acceptable of course).

Your wife must love your father!! That is a really great idea/present for your son and daughter in law!

To the OP, I don't think the way you are stashing money is bad at all. And the fact that you are willing to give it up if there was a need for it makes it even less of a "bad" thing.

 

[keishashadow]

only problem i foresee is what happened to me:

*had a sim. stash all set for CRV, then they announced AKV

*made the mistake of telling him of my disappointment

*he reminded me that our last "mad money" purchases were WLV & BWV, wasn't it his turn?

He would up with his long wished-for Harley this spring.

I honestly though it would be all it took for them to announce CR...since my pot is still rather empty. told DH if it is announced soon we're breaking with tradition & financing this one!

 

[ransom]

I have considered it a gift when DW has done that sort of thing for me/us.

Heck, take just last year - we showed up at WDW, and we were on a tight budget because of some last-minute expenses that had come up, and then DW casually mentions that she'd saved up money for our trip (much in the manner you're planning on doing)! What a great thing that was! I was extremely grateful to her for it.

Now, if she'd unilaterally made us cut back on necessities in order to save that money, it would have been a different story. But since it wasn't money that was in the budget, there wasn't a problem. It was just my dear, sweet wife making sacrifices in her own life so that we could have a better vacation.

 

[JodyTG]

only problem i foresee is what happened to me:

*had a sim. stash all set for CRV, then they announced AKV

*made the mistake of telling him of my disappointment

*he reminded me that our last "mad money" purchases were WLV & BWV, wasn't it his turn?

He would up with his long wished-for Harley this spring.

Does he never use the DVCs? Do you get equal time on the Harley? If not...you were jipped.

 

[Boardwalker]

Bad? No way.
And when you have enough saved up, you need to let him in on the decision. Give him the choice...just tell him you are going to buy DVC with it or finance your divorce!
Just kidding, obviously. My husband and I each have money that we set aside for our own interests. It helps us each remain happy individuals.
But to be fair, your purchase will require the yearly dues, so you need to figure out a source for that money too.

 

[TenThousandVolts]

*had a sim. stash all set for CRV, then they announced AKV

*made the mistake of telling him of my disappointment

*he reminded me that our last "mad money" purchases were WLV & BWV, wasn't it his turn?

He wound up with his long wished-for Harley this spring.

Hmmm- keishashadow- thanks for the heads up on this possible unforseen turn of events. I don't think DH has any expensive secret wish- but you never know. Actually I don't think either of us has any thing that we are dying to have- we are pretty content.- but the idea of a nice little add-on gives me the warm fuzzies. We both are really enjoying our DVC membership- but I am the one who is WAY into it.

 

[BroganMc]

In this age isn't it fairly common for married couples to have separate and shared money accounts?

My mom lived for 30 years off my dad's moneypurse (and at his whim of financial recordkeeping). It was so bad that even when she was working, she'd turn over her paychecks to him and then have to ask for cash for lunch money at work. Not that my dad was a miser. He would just get up early for work and she'd forget she was running low on cash.

When I was old enough to start working and open my own bank account, I encouraged her to do the same. It made a huge difference in her self esteem. Then she didn't have to ask for permission to use her money and he didn't have to render an opinion every time she wanted to buy something (for herself, their home or their kids/grandkids). I think it helped them both, actually.

Obviously the necessities of shelter, food and clothing come first in the home. But as long as your finances are allowing for that, I see no problem saving your money for an individual goal.

Marriage is a partnership not a contract for slavery. His, hers, and ours accounts seem the healthiest way to handle things.

Now the example given of the husband getting to spend the wife's piggy bank has me flummoxed. Isn't it only fair that the person who earned the moeny gets to spend it? Perhaps if hubby really wanted that Harley he should have saved for it himself.

 

[edk35]

If DH were saving on the side for more points and I didn't know about and then found out..... I would be THRILLED unless it caused us financial burden somewhere else..then that would not be

 

[pcparamedics01]

I am doing this myself! However I do the bills so DH would not know anyway! If it is your own personal extra money, don't stress! He will be happy in the end that you did this when you say, " Hey Honey we have the money for this because....".

 

[AndriaRose]

25+ years ago, we decided when DD was old enough for me to return to work, we didn't want to get into the 2-income trap. (Get used to 2 incomes, and soon, can't live without both).

Ever since that decision, our finances have been separate (We don't even use the same bank). The intent wasn't "his and hers", so much as not relying on my smaller, less stable income. So, he pays just about everything, with me paying only for expenses that my working incurs - and the little personal extras I alone am addicted to, like computers and high speed access.

This arrangement does mean I tend to accumulate extra cash. And that's how we have the extras we have, without having the debts to go with them.

To my DH, extra income like you're describing doesn't "belong" in the family budget. To him, it wouldn't be reliable enough to be budgeted on, and would be more appropriately used for stashing away for extras. But that's him

Of course, he also thinks that if the wife diligently builds a stash, she gets to decide how its spent. Which I do

 

[DisDaydreamer]

Looks like I'm alone on this one but...

I guess this really depends on the couple involved. I think your relationship has to be one that has achieved complete trust. This is not something you decide, but must be felt.

My wife handles all the bill paying and we have seperate checking accounts, but we both have direct and online access to either's account. And she does have a savings account that she puts any extra $ into and I don't have a clue as to how much is in it. I leave this to her... she likes having it. Bottom line though is I DO know about it (and my name is on the account too).

We have been married 32 years and we share everything, and I think she would have mixed feelings to find out I had a secret bank account. I think she would be glad to find we have more money, but she would be a bit hurt that I had a secret from her. And it might foster a concern of what other secrets might there be.

I would say tell your husband you have it.

 

[isyt]

Well if your bad I am plain evil. I bought AKV last month with out telling him. I did tell hin in time to sign the papers !! He wasn't upset, he knows I can handle the bills and trusts my judgement (I don't know why). I also did know he would be on the same page with me, we often are when it comes to Disney!!!

 

[deedeetoo]

I am in complete agreement with DisDaydreamer.

My husband and I have always 100% shared finances and always discussed planning for and making major purchases. If one of us started saving on the side for something without telling the other I think it would start some issues in the marriage. Its just not the way we do things.

Now other people have different arrangements in their marriages. If in your marriage you think this would be acceptable, then it may be OK for you.

 

[3DisneyKids]

I can speak from experience on this one...

I bought DVC as a surprise for my DH. I do a lot of contract work, so I picked up some extra work that equaled the full price of our starter contract. The money would not come out of the house account or cause any other area to "suffer".

Now, prior to this, we always did the finances together 100% - no secrets, no separate accounts, etc. Everything was ours and ours.

What surprised me was that I HATED having this secret from him! I hated having to get the mail in case that secret bank statement came. I hated that my guide had to use my cell phone, etc. It really felt like I was cheating on him...(and in retrospect, at least I learned that I am not capable of handling an affair! ).

Ok, so surprise time came...presented him with a DVC membership paid in full! He was definitely happy and he agreed that it was a GOOD thing to do...and he also felt like we got it for "free" since it didn't come out of savings or the house account or anything.

BUT...yes, it did bother him that I had this secret account the he knew nothing about. He completely understood that the account was used for good purposes, but he felt uncomfortable with it just the same. It certainly didn't cause a fight...be we had more than one lengthy discussion about it.

Just my experience with basically the same issue....

 

[epicureangirl]

I think the only secrets kept in the marriage should be when you're planning a surprise party, or buying your partner an unselfish gift. I am all for married people having some of their 'own money' that they can do what they want with, but I consider a purchase of DVC pretty major. Not the initial outlay (though it seems like the bigee), but that DVC is a gift that keeps on giving AND keeps on taking -- ongoing maintenance fees, and all the other expenses related to the vacations you'll be taking.

If (god forbid) one of you were to lose your job, do you know that you're able to make the additional payments comfortably (over and above the points you already have to maintain)?

If this is something you really want (and it sounds like you do), I would start working on him now (while you're saving) instead of surprising him with your plans later.

If my husband surprised me with the collectors sports car he bought, I would have freaked out. Again, not just the initial outlay, but the maintenance! He talked about it for quite awhile before he bought it... and I came around and then was all for it, because I knew it would make him happy (and it was just plain cool!). But, if he confessed he had been saving that much money in secret, I would be questioning what else he could keep secret. Big problems then.

Start talking DVC now and hopefully you can plan to buy it together.

 

[TenThousandVolts]

Well, just to be clear- I am not surprising him with a DVC membership. I am just saving for it so when I think the time is right for an add-on the financial piece will be in place- then we will decide together if we will purchase this. I would not purchase if he was against it.

Also, I am not being super sneaky or anything. EG: I am eBaying right in front of him. If he asks what I am doing with my eBay money I would just smile and say, 'wait and see' or something like that. If he pressed me on it, then I would have to tell him. Doubtful he would ask further questions- he is a very laid back type of guy. He also would probably pick up on the 'surprise' vibe and leave it be so as not to spoil.

I keep trying to figure out how I would feel if the tables were switched, and there have been cases where DH had held back extra bonus money. He receives AMEX travellers checks as rewards at work, and once he saved up around $2K without my knowledge, which I thought was great when he finally told me- I was like - Although I don't think he was being secretive, he more just didn't bother to tell me.

He also once bought a cheap old beat-up truck without telling me and I gave him only MINOR grief about that. He wanted something for going fishing and camping... without messing up his company car. So even though the truck was totally cheap ($1- yes you read that right) and he didn't need to spend any of our 'budgeted' income on it- there is maintenance involved, so this is a similar equation. (smaller scale- minor secret involved)

Now allow me to rationalize: I could blow all this extra money on Prada handbags and Jimmy Choos all for myself, and to some, that would be better because there would be no secret involved. But I would feel far more guilty doing that and using all that $ for ME, ME, ME- than I would saving up for something for all of us - even if I am doing it secretly.

PS: The reason I am doing it secretly is more for fun than anything else. I guess it doesn't have to be secret but for now it is- unless I am compelled to tell him because of something I read here or I have some type of epiphany or of course if we have a big unexpected finiancial problem or whatever....

But like 3DisneyKids said- it bothered her husband that she had that secret account- I really don't think it would bother my dh- but I really did ask the question because I wanted to hear those types of opinions/experiences. Question for 3DisneyKids: Were you completely surprised by his reaction to your secret account? Did you forsee him being uncomfortable with it at all?

 

[BroganMc]

FWIW TenThousandVolts, I think the previous posters saw something more sinister in your actions than were there. Like you said, it's not like your husband doesn't know you're earning the money or saving it for something.

Only thing I think you're risking is perhaps building up his expectations for something else he wants more than DVC. But that's the risk we all take when planning surprises for those we love.

The only secrets I'd worry about in a marriage are ones kept for selfish, harmful reasons. Like an affair or drug addiction or long lost lovechild.

 

[epicureangirl]

FWIW TenThousandVolts, I think the previous posters saw something more sinister in your actions than were there. Like you said, it's not like your husband doesn't know you're earning the money or saving it for something.

Since I am probably one of the 'previous posters', I will say that I don't think there was anything sinister to her actions at all. I WISH my husband would have been stashing money for DVC, because it is something I really want. However, I'm not okay with (in MY relationship) having any kind of secrets, and money is always a bit complicated when it is shared (even the money "I" earn, certainly isn't JUST mine). I think I would probably even feel guilty over buying Jimmy Choos without at least 'mentioning' it first!