Am I A Bad Mom? Sorry Kinda Long

[AristocatFan]

My 17yr old DS has to be home at 11pm unless there's a special occasion. Our driving laws state no driving under age 18 between 11pm-5am Sun-TH and 1am-5am F-Sat unless for school or work. But even without those laws I tell my kids 'the freaks come out at night' and he will not be out that late.

As for the tracking thing, our teens are aware of the tracking service that is available on their phones so they cannot lie about where they are. We just let them think we signed up for that service. They don't have to know that we don't have it!

 

[dismom2]

Yep your house your rules, your kid your way, I respect that.
I choose to treat my young adult like the adult that he is. I allow him to negotiate, openly discuss anything, make decisions and live with them. It is not always easy but I think it is in his best interest.

As for insinuating that I am lax and will need to accompany him to court I take slight offense. I know lots of strict parents whose kids just sneak out, lie or go behind their parents backs. I also know lots of lazy parents who have super responsible kids despite their upbringing. We chose the path of leeway...the more responsible behavior DS exhibited the more freedom he was given. When he turned 18 he had faced situations where he had some tough decisions to make, he had seen his friends make the wrong decisions and he learned to exercise good judgement. IMO this takes experience and practice, the more they get in a some what controlled environment the better.

That comment I made was not aimed towards you at all--sorry if you thought so. I was just generalizing. Also, I don't think that all kids who are running around in the middle of the night are out looking for trouble. I don't think that at all. But, I do know that a lot of bad things happend in the wee hours of the night. And I also know that there are times where kids end up hooking up with other kids who are a bad influence, and sometimes a good kid ends up being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes, even though you like and trust your childs friends, the friend might have a friend who is trouble, or they may end up at someone's house that has other people there, doing things you may not approve of. And we all know what peer pressure is like. Bad things can happen to good people sometimes. Or, sometimes it's just a matter of them being a totally innocent victim. I'm a worry wort, so I would rather just have my rules and know where and what my kids are doing all the time. As much as possible, that is. I know I could never know everything they are doing 24/7, but I would like to be cautious and do the best I can.

 

[TheLittleRoo]

"Nothing good happens after midnight" I agree with this, even though some of those bad things can happen before midnight, of course...

But here's what that statement means to me:
- every hour past midnight is one more hour to keep a) drinking b) fooling around c) getting tired and having a car accident
- at 2:00 AM, the drunks are getting booted out of the bars all over the city and are on the roads trying to make their way home. Not where/when I want my teen out driving.
- truth be told, I'd just rather not give my teen the hours of 12-4AM to hang with his girlfriend at a friend's house. Why tempt fate?

 

[luvsJack]

Treat them accordingly? My house, my rules. You know, sometimes it's the parents who are too 'lax' with their kids are the one's eventually accompanying them in court when they get busted doing something stupid in the middle of the night (or, even being with other kids who are doing something stupid). A lot of parents really don't know everything their kids are doing. I am in the camp that belives that between midnight and 4am trouble is just waiting in the wings. Fact is, a lot of partying goes on during those hours. Drunk drivers out. Vandalism occurs, etc... unless it's a sleepover at one friends house, my kids do not have my permission to drive around, lurk around, 'hang-out' in the wee hours of the morning. That's just how I feel. YMMV

(to the bolded): And sometimes its the kids who have no freedom and have no idea how to make a decision on their own that are in court and in trouble.

When I was in hs, my curfew depended on what I was doing. It wasn't so much a curfew as an agreement between me and my parents for that one night. I always stuck to that agreement. I had two friends that had parents controlling every move. Both snuck out, both quit communicating with their parents, both ran away numerous times, both ended up pregnant and in abusive situations. They were never allowed to make the simplest decisions and were not able to . They were the extreme but just an example.

I am in no way saying that kids should be allowed to run around with no direction and no rules of any kind. I just think there reaches a point that they have to learn to make decisions and if all they have ever been told is "my house, my rules" how are they going to do that?

As for the drinking and partying done after midnight; please do not kid yourselves into thinking that your teen won't drink just because they are not out after midnight. If a kid wants to drink, do drugs, have sex or any of the other things everyone is so afraid of after midnight; all of it is readily available before the "witching hour".

My kids didn't stay out until daylight or any such thing. But their curfews were like mine, depending on the situation and what they were doing.

 

[Christine]

(to the bolded): When I was in hs, my curfew depended on what I was doing. It wasn't so much a curfew as an agreement between me and my parents for that one night. I always stuck to that agreement. I had two friends that had parents controlling every move. Both snuck out, both quit communicating with their parents, both ran away numerous times, both ended up pregnant and in abusive situations. They were never allowed to make the simplest decisions and were not able to . They were the extreme but just an example.

I am in no way saying that kids should be allowed to run around with no direction and no rules of any kind. I just think there reaches a point that they have to learn to make decisions and if all they have ever been told is "my house, my rules" how are they going to do that?

As for the drinking and partying done after midnight; please do not kid yourselves into thinking that your teen won't drink just because they are not out after midnight. If a kid wants to drink, do drugs, have sex or any of the other things everyone is so afraid of after midnight; all of it is readily available before the "witching hour".

My kids didn't stay out until daylight or any such thing. But their curfews were like mine, depending on the situation and what they were doing.

I think we all agree on this. I managed to get all my drinking and "fun" in before midnight, believe me. But I didn't get to have four extra hours of it. I did have a curfew and I did exist in a "my house, my rules" household. Guess what? I actually managed to learn to make decisions. I did some dumb stuff as a teen and, in hindsight, I'm pretty happy my parents put some controls on me.

I do also know kids that came from very strict households and they did awful things, but that was mainly because the parents were smothering and overbearing. I think a happy medium of freedoms works best. Too strict often backfires as well as does the bare minimum of boundaries.

 

[luvsJack]

I think we all agree on this. I managed to get all my drinking and "fun" in before midnight, believe me. But I didn't get to have four extra hours of it. I did have a curfew and I did exist in a "my house, my rules" household. Guess what? I actually managed to learn to make decisions. I did some dumb stuff as a teen and, in hindsight, I'm pretty happy my parents put some controls on me.

I do also know kids that came from very strict households and they did awful things, but that was mainly because the parents were smothering and overbearing. I think a happy medium of freedoms works best. Too strict often backfires as well as does the bare minimum of boundaries.

A happy medium is probably best and I said I don't think kids should be running around with no direction and no rules.

And maybe for some kids "my house, my rules" works out just fine. It wouldn't have for me and it wouldn't have for my sons. My younger ds is an extremely intelligent young man and tends to question things he doesn't find fair. Instead of fighting and continually telling him "my house, my rules", when rules were set in my house we discussed it and we each were able to say what we thought was fair. If he had stated something that was completely out of the question, I would have said "that's not something we can compromise on". In other words, we still had the last word but they were able to at least have a voice in it and sometimes we did change rules because we listened to what they said.

It kept the lines of communication open and gave them some feeling of freedom.

 

[SundancePass]

I am the BAD mom.

My DD (who is 17 also and just graduated high school) would love to do this.

NO WAY. It is MY car and there is NOTHING you need to do during the week each and every night at those hours. NOTHING.

My daughter must be home on week nights by 10:30 unless there is a real, true activity going on. We all work in our household and having her hanging out and coming in at "all hours" is disruptive to the family.

On weekends, she must be home by midnight.

For drivers under 18 in our state, there is a curfew and I'm betting your area has one too unless the kids are at a supervised activity. They actually enforce it here and several of my DD's male friends have had to go to court for curfew violations.

You are the parent, he is 17, I'm sure he's in your car. Tell him no.

ITA!!!

My son is now 32 and thinks he "hit the cosmic lottery when it comes to parents" and there was NO WAY he wasn't home by midnight when he was 17 and 18 unless there was a sleepover arranged IN ADVANCE.

Our house, our car, our rules. Just say no. You are the parent, not his best friend. Be a "bad" Mom. He will love you for it later.

 

[daisax]

I didn't have a curfew when I was in high school - mostly because I was a pretty early to bed, early to rise person by nature. But I also know who DID go "hang out" until all hours... and it wasn't the kids who turned out well.

Maybe kids are different now, and maybe your son and his friends are the exception.

As for needing to have freedom now so he doesn't go hog-wild once he's at college -- you could turn that around and say that by moderating his behavior now, you won't be sending him into an atmosphere where he has to go even CRAZIER in college because staying up until 4 am every night is tame high school stuff.

I can see giving some leeway to a great teen to stay up and out for a special occasion, but 4 nights a week? Like others, I don't think much good happens after 1 am, and even if he's the best kid in the world, you can't control his friends' friends. And getting caught up in somebody else's middle of the night drama can be catastrophic.