Already contacted a lawyer but..divorced people....

[December99]

I am waiting for him to get back to me. We had a horrible situation happen this weekend when my daughter went for visit with her grandparents that has just sparked a whole thing...anyway I'm not going to go into that just yet.

What I'm wondering is - do I have a right to have contact information for my ex? He left the state supposedly to go find a job. He owes me alot of money in medical bills (his required half as stated in the divorce decree) and also is behind almost 6 months of child support. He made no contact with me that he was leaving and made no contact with me as to how and when we would begin making up these payments. During the ranting conversation my ex-mil was having with my dd this weekend, she apparently told dd that he had sent me money to pay the medical part but didn't have enough to cover the support and that he let me know it was coming. This man is a compulsive liar - has been for almost 12 years (well, that was when I really realized it). I'm just really tired of being involved in his constant lies and am ready to start taking some action. This is getting ridiculous and the things his mother was saying to dd about me and my dh and my family and my dh's family was beyond going beyond bounds!!!

 

[RitaZ.]

I'm sorry to hear that, your DD shouldn't have been put through that by her grandparents. {{hugs}}

 

[CRB#33]

I don't know what the law is on contact info at all, although you can attach his SS # to his support contract somehow so that when he makes some money, it will come directly out of his paycheck to Childrens Services and they will pay you. At least in PA you can do this.

As for grandmother, unless there is a contract that says she is allowed to see your DD, I would lay down the law. The next time she opens her mouth in a negative way about you or DH, she can kiss her granddaughter goodbye. I'm sure you would hate to do that to DD, but it's more harmful for her to hear this garbage.

My ex's FIL tried the same crap and I made sure that in my divorce decree there is a paragraph on negative influences and inhibiting the love and affection of the other parent. This falls right into that and is a big part of a lot of divorce docs. You can uses this against his parents too. Especially if they want to continue seeing her.

Good luck Chris.

Ex's...UGH

 

[ChiTownZee]

I don't really know but {{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}} {{{{{hugs}}}}} and {{{{{{{{more hugs}}}}}}}}
Does his lawyer have contact information for him? Maybe it would be best to go through lawyers anyway Good luck.

 

[glo]

CHris...first and foremost I am sorry you are going through this. It really stinks because to be honest the one getting hurt the most, and will suffer the most is your DD. Take it from one who knows. My DD pays big time too All I can say there, is don't say anything negative about your DH or his family in your DD's precense. Believe me when I tell you eventually their tactics will backfire on them, your DD knows you and all you do for her. She is not blind.

The legal end...yeah, you can get him good on the back child support and the medical bills. They will garnish his wages. Have it taken right out of his pay, do not let anyone talk you out of it. Also make sure that if he gets a raise your DD does too. I have never done this and have been getting $50 a week and 1/2 tuition for the last 11 years. I do not care, because to be honest, I would rather he stay away from her, and not expose her to his family or him. Tell the lawyer that his mother has contact with him and they will go to her.

Chris, I know it is horrible. I have spent many nights crying, frustrated and angry over things my DD has been told and exposed too. When she tells me (and she does often) we talk it out. Be honest with her, I try to as much as possible. Be honest with her.

Again, I am sorry...I know it hurts and I know that it hurts even more because it affects your DD. Big hugs to you...Let me know what you do, and if you want to talk...just yell.

 

[nativetxn]

I don't know anything about the legalities of collecting child support. I'm so sorry that your ex-MIL said mean things about you to your daughter. What kind of grandmother uses her granddaughter to hurt her ex DIL? Doesn't she realize that she is hurting that girl much more than she can ever hurt you?

That's just outrageous behavior. {{{HUGS}}} sweetie and {{{HUGS}}} for Brit, too.

Katholyn

 

[Krisu]

I have no legal or personal experience to give you. Just hope you follow thru with this and hope it will be resolved quickly without too much turmoil for you, DH and DD

 

[December99]

Thanks guys. This has been such an on and off thing since even before the divorce and since we were divorced, it just got worse. Glo - I agree, one thing I have always done is been totally totally honest with Britt. From day one we sat down and talked about what was happening and why and I have never let my guard up from that. I am so against lying and I believe it is just plan wrong and so to encourage against lying I make sure I'm always honest and up front with Britt. We sat and talked quite a while on Sunday after she got home regarding this. One of the things that his mother told her was that I have broken the court orders several times by allowing her to be in sports and do girl scout things. The only thing stated in the decree is that he is allowed reasonable visitation with 24 hours notification to me and that I am to make the decision about the visitation. It doesn't state it has to "X" time and day to "X" time and day. When she has had soccer games or softball on his weekends, she goes after her games are over and stays a little later on Sunday. Same thing with girl scout activities - if it falls on his weekend, he has the option of getting her either the weekend before or after - I have always been very generous and made sure the visitation happened at least for some point of the weekend. So I explained that to Brittany the other night, that grandma shouldn't tell her things that she doesn't know (and my ex has been fine with that arrangement when Britt has other activities and has never complained about any of it).

There was just some very hurtful things that happened this weekend and my dd is not happy about it. Unfortunately I have also told her to tell them that she does not need or want to be in the middle of all of this and if so and so has a problem they need to talk to me about it. Well unfortunately exmil had dd crying so much she didn't tell her she didn't want to hear it.

It's so frustrating - I can't wait for the lawyer to call. I'm sorry for the rest of you that have to deal with this type of stuff but it really is good to know people that have gone through this stuff so I have someone to talk to or bounce ideas off....thanks guys!!! Love ya

 

[The LK 4]

{{{hugs}}} for you Dec99! My parents divorced when I was in kindergarten. I may not have realized the sacrifices my mother made back then, but I really appreciate her now! I hope that everything improves for you soon.

 

[glo]

Chris,
Britt, knows you guys love her. I have seen her with you guys. It is what I fall back on with my DD. It is so hard to see them suffer like that because adults can't play fair. Maybe you should give EX-MIL a call. Tell her that if she has a complaint to tell you it, and not Britt. Tell her that if she cares at all about her, she would not put her in the middle. Some people are blind...

I hope the lawyer calls soon...

Does your MIL have visitation rights? Or are you doing that out of the goodness of your heart. Or does you EX go there to have the visitation.

 

[RUDisney]

Your situation certainly stinks. One thing is that the courts have already upheld that grandparents have no rights to their grandchildren, so if you must use the threat of your DD never seeing her GPs again, it may make her think about what she's doing so she'll stop the emotional abuse she's inflicting on your DD.

As for the ex, I have an uncle who stole money and marketable securities from his EW. In his mind, he was stealing from her and not from his 3 children. He never gave her a dime in child support because he took the kids for 2 weeks each year on vacation and didn't ask them to contribute anything to the trip.

She never pursued him as much as she could have... just when he really ticked her off and then she'd drop it again. Luckily, for her and the kids, she was a very successful business woman and owned a few companies, so she didn't need his support to raise the kids.

To avoid having his wages garnished, he stopped working several years (gosh, I think it's 20 already) and he never had a permanent address until last year. He often lived in his car or in fleabag hotels. He is mentally ill, but won't seek any help because the rest of us are wrong and he's fine.

He is a liar extrordinaire and has been for years. My DF is his only brother and was the last one of his siblings to write him off.

I hope for your case, you can garnish his wages and make sure that you get what your DD deserves from him. I wouldn't hesitate to have my kids never have contact with my DH's family members if they started to work against me after a divorce. Heck, they are only seen by us now when it's absolutely necessary because they work against me now, as it is.

I hope that everything works out for you.

On the bright side of my Aunt's situation... when my uncle was old enough to start collecting his AF pension, she was able to start garnishing that for back support payments. She's been filtering that money to my cousins to help them support their homes now.

 

[December99]

Thanks Glo...I know Britt will be a better person for the way I've raised her through this and your dd will too!!!!

I am letting them see her out of the goodness of my heart. They have no visitation rights and right now ex is in another state and hasn't called Britt, didn't even call her to tell her was leaving. That was 6 weeks ago. He was seeing her pretty regularly but it was basically so his mom could see her. DD wasn't even sleeping at his house cause girlfriend didn't want her there...so she had to sleep at grandma's or uncle's or aunt's house.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>Chris,

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your ex & mine were definitely cut from the same mold. I just don't go after him because I'm afraid he'll start working under the table (he's self-employed), and the kids will get less or nothing. He's already told them they don't deserve the $ he sends now.


Hugs, and good luck.

 

[glo]

MJ...don't you wonder what the heck were we all thinking????

I am sorry your DH has said that to your kids. I don't care about the money as much as keeping my daughter. I am afraid if I drag mine to court he will spitefully take her more often and expose her to worse than she already is.

Chris, I know I am being a real witch here, but I would call EX-MIL and set her straight. Tell her you keep this up you do not see her. You are not written into the divorce agreement, so it is out of the kindness of my heart that you see her.

I would also let Britt know what you are doing, so she does not get a warped version of it.

Again, I feel bad for our kids...I would not change my life, because I got my DD out of it and I blessed to have her, but DANG IT to all HECK....*** was I thinking...


Hugs to you all
and hugs to our kids

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>Glo....

I think the same thing sometimes, but then I always end up with the thought that he was the price I paid for my rascals. So, I'm glad I was naive, because if I knew what I was in for, I wouldn't have married him, and there would be no Nick or Kelly - and I can't imagine life without them.


My mantra - this too shall pass.

 

[glo]

I agree with ya 100% I would change him, but not the outcome !!!!

 

[Annie&Hallie'sMom]

I'm afraid I have nothing good to add other than a BIG {HUG} to you Chris!

 

[Pete's Mom]

Originally posted by December99
What I'm wondering is - do I have a right to have contact information for my ex?

It should be in your divorce agreement - here is what mine says

Any change in Husband's address or Wife's address shall be communicated to the other party in writing, together with the effective date of such change, and sent to the other party, by certified or registered mail, at the address given by this paragraph 8 or at the last address changed in accordance with this paragraph.

Also, this was added special into ours

(f) The parties shall exert EVERY reasonable effort to maintain free access and unhampered contact between child and each party and to foster a feeling of affection between child and the other party. Neither party shall do anything or condone any actions by others which may estrange the child from the other party or injure the child's opinion as to the Wife or Husband, or which may hamper the free and natural development of the child's love and respect for the other party.

(g) The parties understand that their intimate involvement in raising this child will require regular and continuing communications between them. Each understands the necessity to treat each other cordially, politely, and civilly at all times, and each pledges to adhere to this requirement. Furthermore, each parent shall attempt to cooperate with the other's chedule and other needs as much as possible in order to foster a pleasant relationship between themselves and to create an atmosphere conductive to the best interests of the child. These requirements shall extend to any other person who may be brought into contact with this situation by either of the parties.

(m) Both parties agree that under no circumstances will any form of physical punishment be administered to the child by anyone other than the Husband or Wife.

Our divorce agreement was 16 pages long, 14 of which were all about our son. My ex kept saying, "oh, this doesn't need to be in there, we can agree to that verbally or work those things out later." I said, "No way, I want everything in writing in case I tell you to go fly a kite or you tell me the same 5 years from now. This is to protect us both!"

Always remember, GET IT IN WRITING!!

 

[December99]

Well...unfortunately probably for me....our divorce was very straight forward and easy, we agreed on everything, I got everything and he took only what was his. Our decree is only like 4 pages and two of those is saying who we are, how old we are, and then that we go at each other in the future for funds for us (i.e. alimony). It was very straightforward in the wording - reasonable visitation, each pay 1/2 for the medical-dental-orthodonture-eye bills, child support weekly at $50, etc. He doesn't have to pay education expenses which I haven't decided if that is a good or bad thing and he doesn't have to keep insurance on her (which I know would have been near to impossible).

Still haven't heard from the lawyer, I hope he calls me today cause I have a letter I have written up the other night that I WANT to send to dear old exmil but want to make sure I'm not going to suffer any consequences with sending it - legally!

Mary Jo and Glo - there are many many many times that I turn my head and go - *** was I thinking back then also. Then I look at dd and smile because like you guys, I wonder what my life would be like without her. I can't imagine it!

 

[Disney Doll]

All the advice here is good, I can't add anything other than my good wishes that this situation passes, and things settle down for you and your DD.

Remember, kids aren't stupid. They know who does right by them.