All Opinions wanted here...sticky situation RE MIL

[disykat]

Normally I would say dh deals with his own parents, but after a 17 year tradition I think she would definately assume they are coming if it's not talked about. Either way she's going to be upset, but at least if you tell her you'll know you did the right thing.

 

[kaylajr]

See this is why I asked
Everyone has good points


I guess since it is DH and BIL's Momwe will let them handle it
If she calls i will just let the machine get it until DH is home to talk to her

My kids don't want to go over either
she always makes them feel bad that is one reason we are staying away

things were so diferent when FIL was alive

 

[trappednabox]

Hope it all works out for ya!!

 

[momof2inPA]

One more question, did father in law just die this year? If so, I would probably do one more round of holidays with MIL and do the change-up next year.

 

[kaylajr]

One more question, did father in law just die this year? If so, I would probably do one more round of holidays with MIL and do the change-up next year.

No he died Nov of 03
we went that year and last year but
over the past year MIL has changed so much
(although no one in that family has ever been stable)
and now with the Boyfriend who has to keep reminding DH that he shares a bedroom with his mother it is just ENOUGH already
The Boyfriend is just one reason i could go in forever but suffice it to say she is a controlling women who doesn't have a heart


Going is NOT an option just how to handle the NOT GOING

 

[eeyore kelly]

DH's mother = DH's decision. Especially if you agree with it

 

[Wishing on a star]

The Boyfriend is just one reason i could go in forever but suffice it to say she is a controlling women who doesn't have a heart


Going is NOT an option just how to handle the NOT GOING

Your concern seems to be how she will try to be 'controlling' once she finds out that you will not be coming.

This is exactly why I recommended that I would NOT tell her. Now, I agree that it is best that you do not simply fail to arrive with no notice. But, a few days in advance is enough. You do not need to effectively 'give her that control' to be a PITA for you for the next whole month.

I really do not put any weight on the buying food issue. Who cares???

If your DH is not wanting to tell her now, then I would definately not take the initiative to tell her yourself.

I know it is so hard to be in these inlaw situations!!!
HUGS!!!

 

[Lyn5]

Your family comes first. If the situation at your MIL makes your DH and especially your kids uncomfortable, then I wouldn't feel as bad about not going or disapointing her. Of course you don't want to be rude, but you are only protecting your family from a negative situation and maybe they will invite more of her boyfriends kids/family over (if has has family).

 

[PaulaSue]

Honesty I would tell them that you have other plans so MIL doesn't go to all that trouble of preparing al that extra food when you know know that you are not going. Not to would be rude. If anyone bothers you about it just tell them you are sorry but it is what you decided and drop the subject or leave/say good bye.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I just have to say again, that the food is not the issue....

Who cares. What is an extra pie and a few potatoes??? Let the others have more leftovers. If MIL was concerned about the food, she should be gathering a head-count. That is her responsibility and concern. Not the OP's.

The OP's concerns about her MIL making a big deal out of it, and being a negative controlling influence in her families life for this upcoming month. That is the priority. That is the issue.

 

[becka]

sorry I hit the wrong button and replied to a thread instead of starting a new one

 

[momof2inPA]

I just have to say again, that the food is not the issue....

Sure it is. Who wants to cook a 24 lb. turkey if you don't have to? And I doubt she would return the food. I have never returned groceries and don't know people who do. You don't want the woman buying four bags of bread crumbs, 15 pounds of potatoes, and 6 cans of green beans if she doesn't have to, but the OP's husband would never understand that. I bet, he doesn't cook Thanksgiving meals.

I still say, just let her know now and refuse to discuss it after that.

 

[cadburysmom]

Wait a little while before you tell her, she is not going to buy the food now for Thanksgiving.

If you have caller ID, then screen your calls so she cant bother you.

Its the right thing to tell her though.

 

[disykat]

I don't get how anyone could see food as "not an issue". I would never cook a full Thanksgiving dinner for just two people, but if I thought I was having ten I would. Eight people missing from a table would not be just a few extra leftovers.

 

[PaulaSue]

I just have to say again, that the food is not the issue....

Who cares. What is an extra pie and a few potatoes??? Let the others have more leftovers. If MIL was concerned about the food, she should be gathering a head-count. That is her responsibility and concern. Not the OP's.

The OP's concerns about her MIL making a big deal out of it, and being a negative controlling influence in her families life for this upcoming month. That is the priority. That is the issue.

Sorry to disagree but food is an issue too, especially when the OP said she has a family of 8. That is a lot more than an extra pie and a few potatoes to make for 8 people.

 

[Talking Hands]

I'd let my husband handle it. It is his mother after all. I would only say something if I were asked directly by MIL or directly invited by MIL and then I would say that we have other plans,

 

[RUDisney]

I just have to say again, that the food is not the issue....

Who cares. What is an extra pie and a few potatoes??? Let the others have more leftovers. If MIL was concerned about the food, she should be gathering a head-count. That is her responsibility and concern. Not the OP's.

The OP's concerns about her MIL making a big deal out of it, and being a negative controlling influence in her families life for this upcoming month. That is the priority. That is the issue.

I agree, the food is NOT the issue, but I always go overboard with food when I have people over.

As for MIL gathering a head count, unless someone has not come in the past, and the way of the family is that everyone is assumed to be there because that is just how it always was, probably isn't an issue to her. She will just assume again that everyone is coming. It is up to the OP/DH to tell MIL that they will not be coming to dinner.

As for the timing, I'd wait until a week or so before Thanksgiving. Why put yourself through the agony that you'll know you'll get because of it.

For us, we are assumed to be at MIL's house around 12:30 on all major holidays except Christmas Eve. The good thing for us is that it gives me the morning to make our family meal for later that day. For the 4 of us on Thanksgiving, I'll make a turkey and all the trimmings. I'll make dessert, etc., too. The turkey will either be a free one from the grocery store for using my affinity card or it will be from DH's uncle who gives it to all officers in the bank. We only take one since it is typically 20 pounds. Since turkey is my favorite meal, it is really not a sacrifice to have leftovers for the week. BTW, the other turkey will be frozen and it won't be wasted. But, we WILL go to MIL's house for dinner, too.

Luckily, I have siblings who are out of town so they usually make it up for the weekend after Thanksgiving, so we go to my Mom's for either Saturday or Sunday. It works out great.... and it is assumed we will be there, although my Mom has to coordinate more because she has to figure out what date works best for everyone, or at least most of us.

 

[inaminute]

Going is NOT an option just how to handle the NOT GOING

Not going for the first time is the most difficult. The key is to be honest. "We've made other plans this year," is all you need to say.

She may get upset. She may rant and rave. She may try a guilt trip. Ignore it. Trust me. She'll survive and she'll get over it.

Personally, I think it's terribly rude for a parent to simply EXPECT their grown children will show up at holidays. I always give my kids the option. Maybe your MIL will learn to extend an early invitation if she wants her family together for the holidays.

 

[inaminute]

Sure it is. Who wants to cook a 24 lb. turkey if you don't have to?

If MIL doesn't want to cook a 24 lb turkey, then she should find out beforehand how many there will be for dinner.

I guess I just don't understand people just assuming their adult children will show up for Thanksgiving dinner simply because they always have. It never occurs to them that their kids might want to do something else on the holidays?

 

[momof2inPA]

I guess I just don't understand people just assuming their adult children will show up for Thanksgiving dinner simply because they always have. It never occurs to them that their kids might want to do something else on the holidays?

Yeh, I don't see where that's a crime or even rude, to be honest. If that's the way it's always been done, of course she'll assume that's the way it will be done this year. Adult communication is the key. A mother or mother-in-law will only bully you if you allow her to do so.