All Opinions wanted here...sticky situation RE MIL

[kadaten]

That is what I thought
the problem is I know from the past that she is probably already shopping
I want to tell her but DH and BIL so don't want to be pestered and they both work with the other Brother

Well, anything she's buying THIS far ahead isn't going to go bad! So it's not like she bought 3 times as much fresh stuff that's just going to go to waste! Anything she's bought already can be left in the pantry until it's needed.

That said, I would still tell her as soon as possible. We've already discussed and made our Thanksgiving plans, and did so about a month ago. Typically when we have our first thought of "fall" we call the in-laws and chat about how we want to do things. We've been doing different things each year so we have to talk about it....

But I can relate to the standing invite....that's what it was like for me growing up. Grandparents had all 10 of their kids (my mom was one) and their families over for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners every year. Only with that many kids and families, there was usually someone that didn't show due to squabbling.....

 

[Mermaid02]

She's your dh's mother- I say leave it up to him.

 

[horseshowmom]

DH's mother = DH's decision. Especially if you agree with it

There are a lot of good points on both sides here, but it comes down to the fact that she's DH's mother.

While I would make a point about being expected, and the fact that she'll be buying and preparing for Thanksgiving, it is HIS and his DB's decision on how to handle it. I would abide by their wishes (sounds like they've got some very good reasons for how they feel).

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am sorry if everyone read to much into my 'food is not the issue comment'.

As others who back this up have mentioned... If the MIL wants to cook a 24 pound turkey, then so be it. Her choice. If she is concerned about how much to cook, she should issue an invitation and try to get a head count.

The OP should in no way feel obligated by the MILS decision to go out and buy enormous quantities of food on a very selfish and rude assumption that everyone will feel controlled/obligated to show up and eat it.

How can it be considered rude to not RSVP when no invitation has been extended????

And, I agree... is the DH's family.... Let him handle it!!!

 

[disneymom3]

Wishing on a Star--I totally get what you are saying. The food is not really the issue that causes the true problem here. MILs bullying and controllling behavior is the problem. That is what the OPs DH is trying to avoid. I agree with the camp that says it needs to be his decision.

And if she really needs to know exact numbers she needs to ask. We have gone to MILs for thanksgiving for 14 years. She still calls to ask if we are going to be there. (Now for Christmas we are just told when to show up which is rather annoying as no one asks our opinion about when that will be celebrated, but that is another thread )