All Opinions wanted here...sticky situation RE MIL

[kaylajr]

okay i need to hear as many opinions as i can

first some background my MIL and most of DH's siblings are insane
they are mean hurtful and spiteful and are almost never nice

for 17 years we have gone to MIL house for the holidays
but now with FIL dead and her boyfriend living there we just don't want to go

so the one sane sibling DH has is having Thanksgiving at His house and we are going there to enjoy the holiday

Here is the Dilema
SIL and I think we should at least let MIL know we are not coming so she doesnt buy food for all 8 of us too

DH and BIL say NO WAY if we tell her now that just gives her and SIL two months to hound pester and otherwise annoy us

so what do you all think???


I need all your opinions

thanks

 

[Meriweather]

Tough one. I wouldn't want to be hounded......but I am so nice , I would tell her, so she wouldn't purchase so much.

 

[Horseshoes]

Wait a little while before you tell her, she is not going to buy the food now for Thanksgiving.

If you have caller ID, then screen your calls so she cant bother you.

Its the right thing to tell her though.

 

[inaminute]

Has MIL extended an invitation? If not, then wait. When she does invite you simply say you're so sorry, but have made other plans for the day. That works for your SIL, too. All she has to say is that she's made other plans. No other explanation is necessary.

 

[Bashful2]

I'd tell her, but wait much closer to Thanksgiving.

 

[momof2inPA]

Tell her now, if one other family member knows, she could find out from them, and it's better if it comes from the horse's mouth. Don't waiver about it, just say you have decided to have Thanksgiving at home for once. Period.

 

[dash]

Isn't your SIL inviting your MIL to dinner too?

 

[Poohnatic]

I'd wait until about two weeks before. No need to put yourself through all the drama for another few weeks.

Don't know what we're doing for Thanksgiving yet. I don't really want to think about it.

Suzanne

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

I'd wait to see if you get invited - then tell her. If your in-laws are like mine they wait until the day or two right before the holiday to invite us.

Drives me crazy - they always assume that we are coming - even though they know we split our time between my parents and his. Several of the cousins have asked us why we don't show up at some of the family events - I'm honest and just tell them that with DH work schedule and the boys sports we need more than 1 or 2 days notice.

 

[MsDisney23]

For some of the same reason, we are staying home and having a very quite family Thanksgiving, just me, DH & DD. I would be very honest and tell MIL that you have already made other plans for the Holiday. I would wait until about two weeks before Thanksgiving, no sooner. Good Luck!

 

[ChrisnSteph]

I would tell her at the beginning of November.

 

[kaylajr]

Isn't your SIL inviting your MIL to dinner too?

No she isn't that way we may all have a good Holiday
We are planning the same for Christmas

It is a standing invite so we never get a formal one we are justr expected to be there because we always have been

 

[Mackey Mouse]

I would tell her just before you know that she will do her shopping for Thanksgiving dinner....it would seem to me unfair if she goes out and buys for all of you and you are not planning on attending.

 

[kaylajr]

I would tell her just before you know that she will do her shopping for Thanksgiving dinner....it would seem to me unfair if she goes out and buys for all of you and you are not planning on attending.

That is what I thought
the problem is I know from the past that she is probably already shopping
I want to tell her but DH and BIL so don't want to be pestered and they both work with the other Brother

 

[trappednabox]

I would wait to tell her! Even if she buys food, she can always take it back! I worked in a grocery store for 4 years and people take back food all the time

 

[Rella Bella]

Wheww... I know what it's like to deal with irrational family members. Don't feel guilty about making other plans... and don't feel guilty about waiting to tell her. Sounds like it's a big family, so even if they end up with some extra leftovers it's really no big deal.

You're DH and BIL probably know their family well... and in these situations it can sometimes get really ugly with siblings really going at each other about 'disappointing Mom'... they're right to want to put it off. Certainly you want to tell her before the day... maybe a week before, otherwise the siblings may all take it on themselves to help change your mind. You don't want to put up with that any longer than you have to.

And let her boys tell her!! Unless she calls with the invitation and you have to say something, let DH & BIL break it to her. You shouldn't be stuck dealing with his family. Good luck!

 

[diznygirl]

Tell DH and BIL that they can put up with the pestering now, or the sure-to-come wrath of their mother if they wait until the last minute. I'm sure that won't be pretty!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

DH and BIL say NO WAY if we tell her now that just gives her and SIL two months to hound pester and otherwise annoy us

so what do you all think???


I need all your opinions

thanks

Since it is your dh's mom, he decides. My guess is that "word" will get out somehow, it always does.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Would I tell MIL...

NO!!!!

If she wants to buy too much, before she even has an idea of a 'head-count', then, sorry, but that is HER problem.

She is rude to 'expect' you to come without issuing an invite and giving you the freedom to make other plans. Again, that is HER problem.

If you have not gotten an 'invite' of somesorts... at least a very nice, "We'll be seeing you at Thanksgiving I hope....", then, you owe her no explanation or courtesy.

EDITED TO ADD: I very strongly agree with those who note that it is your DH's family. He should have the end-deciding say so. And, it is HIS mom, so HE should be the one to tell her that your family has other plans.

 

[Lyn5]

That is what I thought
the problem is I know from the past that she is probably already shopping
I want to tell her but DH and BIL so don't want to be pestered and they both work with the other Brother

If this were me, I would let DH decide (since it is his family) but I would say that I would prefer to tell your mom now. If, you (DH) feels we should wait and say something later, that is fine but you will be the one that has to tell her. That way, he has to deal with her if/when she is upset. If this turns out bad, maybe on the next holiday he will listen to you first. Good luck