Age difference in a relationship..

[C.Ann]

I would never marry a person that much older than I. It maybe fine now but in your waining years you will most likely be a nurse to the older and sicker person and then alone for a long time.

I know somebody who was married to an 18 year older man. He died when she was 45 and she spent the rest of her life alone. That is NOT for me. Had they been the same age she would have been alone from 63 on. Much more tolerable.

My mom was 69 when my dad died at the age of 70.. She's now going to be 91 in September and it was no more "tolerable" for her than it is for me.. When you love someone and they die, it's never "tolerable" - no matter what the age..

 

[tayandjensmom]

I know somebody who was married to an 18 year older man. He died when she was 45 and she spent the rest of her life alone. That is NOT for me. Had they been the same age she would have been alone from 63 on. Much more tolerable.[/QUOTE]

That doesn't just happen when you have an age difference. Very good friend of mine married her high school sweetheart. Had 2 boys, married 11 years. When he was at his son's baseball game and a storm blew in. He was helping to get the kids off the field when he was struck and killed by lightning. They were both 29. Its been 11 years, and she has not remarried. I hope she can find someone again. She doesn't seem to have any interest in dating.

I say if you love each other, you go for it. There is no guarantee in life. You enjoy the moment and hope for the best. Just my thoughts. Lisa

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I would never marry a person that much older than I. It maybe fine now but in your waining years you will most likely be a nurse to the older and sicker person and then alone for a long time.

I know somebody who was married to an 18 year older man. He died when she was 45 and she spent the rest of her life alone. That is NOT for me. Had they been the same age she would have been alone from 63 on. Much more tolerable.

It certainly isn't for everyone. The more deeply you love that person, the more devastated that you will be when they pass. Knowing that you will have to watch them die is hard to take. It took me more than a year to decide to marry my wife because of this inevitable heartbreak. In the end, I decided that I would take whatever time we had together and not worry about the future, but not everyone is willing to face that, and I understand completely...

 

[gracie1]

It definately isn't for everyone, that is for sure. But again, the pp is correct...you never know when your time is up. At 29 years old they never expected to be a widow. Such a sad story

 

[AmericangirlinFrance]

Ugh, this topic is quite relevant for me now!! I have always dated older men, although the age range has usually been more like 6-8 yrs older, not 20... 2 years ago I got seriously involved with someone who was 19 yrs older than me. It didn't really work out, but we are still friends. I have gone out on a few dates in the past few weeks with a new guy, who is about 15 years older than me. So far, it seems to be going really well. I'm in my mid 20s.

Like some posters have said, I am attracted to the stability of an older man. I'm sure I'd be attracted to a younger man with this same quality, too, but it's rare at my age. I don't need a provider (I will graduate next year with a professional graduate degree and will make good money), but I'm incredibly attracted to someone who seems "settled" and to "have it together." Also, like another poster wrote, I do have something of an old soul - even as a child, I preferred to hang out with older kids and adults. That's not to say that I don't love hanging out with friends my own age, and I do, but... I am just not as attracted to men at that age. With the older men I've dated, I've not felt like a trophy - we legitimately get along better (maturity-wise). Maybe it helps that I'm not so much into pop culture or things like that.

I fear, though, that in 10 years or so, a man that much older than me wouldn't be able to keep up with me, and that concerns me. I want to have children eventually, and I worry about doing that with someone who will be in their 60's when that child graduates from high school. I worry about being widowed young, or having to nurse an elderly husband, while other people my own age are out "doing life" with their same-aged spouses. These fears tell me that I am definitely not ready to marry any of the older men I have dated, but it's a bit of a struggle for me - do I refuse to date older men, for fear of getting involved, and then married, and then facing these problems, or do I try to force myself to meet men my own age that I'm not really very attracted to? Also, I worry about societal judgment and judgment from my family and friends - this would not stop me from being with someone I loved, but I think it would be very wearying to constantly have to feel like you had to explain yourself, or to feel that strangers were judging you.

I know very well from personal experience that life is short and precious, and can be stolen away at any moment, so maybe it's better to overlook the concerns listed above.

I do wonder what the correlation is between women who date older men and women who didn't have a father figure growing up - I didn't, and I wonder if it plays into who I'm attracted to. I think it must in some way...

 

[Piecey]

DH is 5 years older than me.

He says that is evens out because he spent those 5 years in the Marine Corps... so in temrs of school and "life on the outside" (his words) we're pretty equal

 

[NMAmy]

I do wonder what the correlation is between women who date older men and women who didn't have a father figure growing up - I didn't, and I wonder if it plays into who I'm attracted to. I think it must in some way...

It may be in your case but I'm not sure that it's that widespread. I had a very involved father whom I adored and he passed away when I was in my 40's. I do see a lot of my dad's personality traits in DH, though, but none of those traits are related to being older.

 

[Shmily1]

Ugh, this topic is quite relevant for me now!! I have always dated older men, although the age range has usually been more like 6-8 yrs older, not 20... 2 years ago I got seriously involved with someone who was 19 yrs older than me. It didn't really work out, but we are still friends. I have gone out on a few dates in the past few weeks with a new guy, who is about 15 years older than me. So far, it seems to be going really well. I'm in my mid 20s.

Like some posters have said, I am attracted to the stability of an older man. I'm sure I'd be attracted to a younger man with this same quality, too, but it's rare at my age. I don't need a provider (I will graduate next year with a professional graduate degree and will make good money), but I'm incredibly attracted to someone who seems "settled" and to "have it together." Also, like another poster wrote, I do have something of an old soul - even as a child, I preferred to hang out with older kids and adults. That's not to say that I don't love hanging out with friends my own age, and I do, but... I am just not as attracted to men at that age. With the older men I've dated, I've not felt like a trophy - we legitimately get along better (maturity-wise). Maybe it helps that I'm not so much into pop culture or things like that.

I fear, though, that in 10 years or so, a man that much older than me wouldn't be able to keep up with me, and that concerns me. I want to have children eventually, and I worry about doing that with someone who will be in their 60's when that child graduates from high school. I worry about being widowed young, or having to nurse an elderly husband, while other people my own age are out "doing life" with their same-aged spouses. These fears tell me that I am definitely not ready to marry any of the older men I have dated, but it's a bit of a struggle for me - do I refuse to date older men, for fear of getting involved, and then married, and then facing these problems, or do I try to force myself to meet men my own age that I'm not really very attracted to? Also, I worry about societal judgment and judgment from my family and friends - this would not stop me from being with someone I loved, but I think it would be very wearying to constantly have to feel like you had to explain yourself, or to feel that strangers were judging you.

I know very well from personal experience that life is short and precious, and can be stolen away at any moment, so maybe it's better to overlook the concerns listed above.

I do wonder what the correlation is between women who date older men and women who didn't have a father figure growing up - I didn't, and I wonder if it plays into who I'm attracted to. I think it must in some way...

My brother was dating a girl a year older than he was and he died at 17. She is now married with one kid. There are a lot of couples that the older one has outlived the younger one.

I'm not sure about the father figure thing though. My dad was always there and I was closer to him than to my mom.

I was 23 when DH and I started dating. I am 41 now and he is 62. He runs circles around me and always has!! I really think it's all in how the person acts. If he sits down and lets himself feel old, then he will be old. If he stays active and enjoys life, then he will enjoy every day. Today, I'm at work and he's on one of his Harleys at an airport escort for a 29 year old Marine that was killed in action. No age is magical.... just live for love!!!

 

[Russian-in-Kansas]

I was 18 and DH 29 when we got married. We're still here and happy 9 years later. But when I was younger it was sometimes hard to see where DH was coming from and vice versa. Now I find we understand each other much better and in general age does not play into our daily lives much if at all.

 

[AmericangirlinFrance]

My brother was dating a girl a year older than he was and he died at 17. She is now married with one kid. There are a lot of couples that the older one has outlived the younger one.

I'm not sure about the father figure thing though. My dad was always there and I was closer to him than to my mom.

I was 23 when DH and I started dating. I am 41 now and he is 62. He runs circles around me and always has!! I really think it's all in how the person acts. If he sits down and lets himself feel old, then he will be old. If he stays active and enjoys life, then he will enjoy every day. Today, I'm at work and he's on one of his Harleys at an airport escort for a 29 year old Marine that was killed in action. No age is magical.... just live for love!!!

Good advice, thanks!

 

[apirateslifeforme]

When I was 19, I dated a 30-year-old. We actually got along great, but we were definitely in different stages of our lives. He moved away for a job, and I was only in my 2nd year of college; I didn't want to leave, so we went our separate ways.

I never dated a guy my own age until now. My DBF likes to joke that he's finally dating an "older" woman - I'm 2 weeks older!

 

[Took]

A friend of mine, who recently turned 32, has a wife who is 20. They married when she was 18 and he was 29.

We generally get along with her, but sometimes she can seem really immature in comparison to our other acquaintances. For instance, she doesn't seem to quite get the idea that although she intends her flirting with his guy friends to be harmless "teenage" fun, well....they're almost a decade older than her and engaged/married/been living in sin forever. Plus, she can't drink when we go out to bars. It's kinda silly.

My Sis married a guy who is 16 years older and it has always been difficult for them to find other couples to hang out with. Also, in their early years, he seemed to treat her as if she were the "junior" partner, a "pet" to be spoiled more than an equal adult. They're still together but I do think my sis kind of wishes she had married a man closer in age and interests. (Of course, this may say as much about their lack of shared interests as anything.)

 

[gracie1]

Ugh, this topic is quite relevant for me now!! I have always dated older men, although the age range has usually been more like 6-8 yrs older, not 20... 2 years ago I got seriously involved with someone who was 19 yrs older than me. It didn't really work out, but we are still friends. I have gone out on a few dates in the past few weeks with a new guy, who is about 15 years older than me. So far, it seems to be going really well. I'm in my mid 20s.

Like some posters have said, I am attracted to the stability of an older man. I'm sure I'd be attracted to a younger man with this same quality, too, but it's rare at my age. I don't need a provider (I will graduate next year with a professional graduate degree and will make good money), but I'm incredibly attracted to someone who seems "settled" and to "have it together." Also, like another poster wrote, I do have something of an old soul - even as a child, I preferred to hang out with older kids and adults. That's not to say that I don't love hanging out with friends my own age, and I do, but... I am just not as attracted to men at that age. With the older men I've dated, I've not felt like a trophy - we legitimately get along better (maturity-wise). Maybe it helps that I'm not so much into pop culture or things like that.

I fear, though, that in 10 years or so, a man that much older than me wouldn't be able to keep up with me, and that concerns me. I want to have children eventually, and I worry about doing that with someone who will be in their 60's when that child graduates from high school. I worry about being widowed young, or having to nurse an elderly husband, while other people my own age are out "doing life" with their same-aged spouses. These fears tell me that I am definitely not ready to marry any of the older men I have dated, but it's a bit of a struggle for me - do I refuse to date older men, for fear of getting involved, and then married, and then facing these problems, or do I try to force myself to meet men my own age that I'm not really very attracted to? Also, I worry about societal judgment and judgment from my family and friends - this would not stop me from being with someone I loved, but I think it would be very wearying to constantly have to feel like you had to explain yourself, or to feel that strangers were judging you.

I know very well from personal experience that life is short and precious, and can be stolen away at any moment, so maybe it's better to overlook the concerns listed above.

I do wonder what the correlation is between women who date older men and women who didn't have a father figure growing up - I didn't, and I wonder if it plays into who I'm attracted to. I think it must in some way...

You know, I think your concerns and fears are legitimate ones. I have had the same. There may be some people who never thought about it but I really doubt it. I bet most people on here that are with someone 15 years or older have thought about the possibility or being a nurse to their husband or being widowed or what not. I used to always think about that. But then again when I have dated some men it never phased me that they were 15 years older than me because of how they acted. This last one is more of a homebody I think. Which so am I. Honestly, if I have to go out to bars or social events to meet someone else closer to my age, then I will probably always be alone. Once I get off work I am exhausted. I like to go home to be with my two dogs! LOL. So this is the type of person for me. Atleast I think so. And if not, I will learn that lesson down the road. Good luck!

 

[NHdisneylover]

DH and I are only 2 months apart (I am older--he never lets me forget it) so my opinion shouldn't really matter--but here goes: I know couples of widely differing ages where it is a big deal and others where is was never an issue. Most of the ones who had issues just didn't talk about things before marraige and the same issues could have come up had they been the same age (but probably were enhanced by the age difference). The big thing I have seen as a problem (when there is a problem--in two couples I know who are not doing well) is that the older person had already had kids (grown) and was not intersted in having more and the younger one wanted a "family." In one case they did not talk about this beforehand and she assumed he would want kids and he assumed she would know he did not In the other they did talk but she married him anyway thinking she could "work on him" and change his mind So, I guess my advice would be to do what ANY couple should do and make sure you agree on the big ticket items (children, finances....) and do not marry anyone thinking you will change them. Other than that--I think love knows no age limit (beyond "grown up" and legal of course). Things like who may die first, health, etc are a crap shoot anyway as many have pointed out.





OP--my sincere apologies for going off topic but this post just jumped out at me

[(He had 5 children by a previous marriage and I had 3..)

C Ann I am so surprised! I don't think I have ever seen you mention any children on yours other than your DD you live with and her husband and daughter. Somewhere along the line I just started assuming she was an only child. I recall a few mentions of your DH's kids, but it always sounded like they were grown and out of the house when you met him. Funny, you are one of hte few posters that posts so often I kind of feel like I "know" you but obviosuly not so much

 

[wdwfan16]

My mom was 69 when my dad died at the age of 70.. She's now going to be 91 in September and it was no more "tolerable" for her than it is for me.. When you love someone and they die, it's never "tolerable" - no matter what the age..

If your father was 20 years older than she would have been alone for 19 more years. A far worse situation.

 

[wdwfan16]

It definately isn't for everyone, that is for sure. But again, the pp is correct...you never know when your time is up. At 29 years old they never expected to be a widow. Such a sad story

Sure a 29 year old can die but that is a very small number compared to a 49, 59 or 69 year old.

If a person who was 55 married a 25 year old and then died at 59 they would have only had 4 years. If two people married at 25 and then one died at 59 they would have had 34 years. A huge difference.

What if both couples had a kid at 27. In the first case a 2 year old would never know one parent and the other case the child was 32 and grown. The second will be sad but know their other parent.

 

[gracie1]

Sure a 29 year old can die but that is a very small number compared to a 49, 59 or 69 year old.

If a person who was 55 married a 25 year old and then died at 59 they would have only had 4 years. If two people married at 25 and then one died at 59 they would have had 34 years. A huge difference.

What if both couples had a kid at 27. In the first case a 2 year old would never know one parent and the other case the child was 32 and grown. The second will be sad but know their other parent.

I guess it just depends on the person having the relationship. Some people cannot and will not see themselves with anyone else older than theirselves as opposed to others who look for certain qualities within their mate and don't base it on the age.

 

[NMAmy]

If a person who was 55 married a 25 year old and then died at 59 they would have only had 4 years. If two people married at 25 and then one died at 59 they would have had 34 years. A huge difference.

I'd rather have just 4 years with someone I really loved as opposed to passing that person by because they weren't the "correct" age. There's no guarantee that a person will find love with someone their own age.

 

[wdwfan16]

I'd rather have just 4 years with someone I really loved as opposed to passing that person by because they weren't the "correct" age. There's no guarantee that a person will find love with someone their own age.

But all the ones who say they only want older men are passing by all the men who are younger.

I prefer having a DH my age, who I deeply love, who deeply loves me and we have been married far more than 4 years already. That is the best of all worlds.

 

[NMAmy]

But all the ones who say they only want older men are passing by all the men who are younger.

I prefer having a DH my age, who I deeply love, who deeply loves me and we have been married far more than 4 years already. That is the best of all worlds.

Sure, that's the best of all world for you. I'm happy for you, honestly. However, I prefer having my dh who is 11 years older, who I deeply love, who deeply loves me, and to whom I have been married for more than 4 years. That's the best of all possible worlds for me.

I didn't set out looking for an older man--in fact, my first husband was 3 years younger. I happened to fall in love with DH regardless of his age.