Afraid for my daughter...

[Kitty 34]

to you. I sure hope your DD gets the help she needs.

 

[Crankyshank]

I had a close friend that was a cutter. She used to say she felt so displaced in the world and numb that cutting was the only way she could feel anything for even just a brief moment.

Sadly she didn't get help and she eventually got into drugs and killed herself. So you are absolutely doing the right thing researching this and getting her help.

Good luck to you!

 

[cats7494]

You are a nosey, snooping mom.

That's a good thing.

Because of your nosey, snooping action, you're going to be able to get your daughter the help she needs very early on.

Personally, I think we need more nosey, snooping moms out there.

No advice, just and prayers.

Cats -- thanks for posting the reasoning behind why some people do this. I was reading about how many cutters there are, and just couldn't fathom why cutting would relieve stress. Now I understand it better.

Sure, Rajah - glad it helped you understand - it is a scary thing and very hard to understand!

I agree - I am a nosey snooping mom (as needed) and will continue to be. My dd's safety is more important.

 

[Snoopymom]

No advice, but I'm in my late 30's and I still wish I had the type of mom who would have snooped and read my diary. I'm sure it's a cry for help, and I can't help but think how cruel of a world school can be for teenagers....

I also agree with the person who suggested not telling extended family. I've made that mistake.

Hugs and prayers!

 

[Scared Mom]

Thanks again everyone, for your advice and support.
My daughter got home from school a little while ago and I told her that she had an appointment for this evening (at the time she left for school this morning we weren't sure what time the therapist was going to fit her in). At first she just said she wasn't going, but then I heard her talking on the phone to her friend, telling her she couldn't go to the movies tonight because she had to go to the "stupid therapist". I think it's a lot of bravado at this point, and I think she really is a bit relieved to be going. I know I am.

I guess the hardest thing for us to grasp is what is causing so much pain inside of her that she has to do this. She seems so well adjusted, has a lot of friends, involved parents, etc.

And we agree, we are not sharing this with any of the family.

 

[mom2boys]

You are a good parent. It sounds like your daughter really does want help and knows that she needs it. Best of luch with that big first step tonight.

 

[tevagirl]

I'm so sorry. Good luck to you and her.

 

[swtnikki]

Lots of prayers & pixie dust coming to you & your family.

 

[auntie k]

Yes, I would guess she is hoping you are reading it - perhaps she can't talk about it but wants you to know how she feels.

A co-worker is dealing with this, so I understand a little of it.

You are on the right track with the counselor - just make sure your daughter is comfortable with this counselor - if not, try another one. It is a key to success for your daughter.

I think you will find lots of comfort here and people wanting to let you vent.
And I'm not sure what a troll refers to on here, but regardless, I'm a mom too and understand your concern.

May God Bless your family and your meeting tonight.

 

[Chatter Box]

Thanks again everyone, for your advice and support.
My daughter got home from school a little while ago and I told her that she had an appointment for this evening (at the time she left for school this morning we weren't sure what time the therapist was going to fit her in). At first she just said she wasn't going, but then I heard her talking on the phone to her friend, telling her she couldn't go to the movies tonight because she had to go to the "stupid therapist". I think it's a lot of bravado at this point, and I think she really is a bit relieved to be going. I know I am.

I guess the hardest thing for us to grasp is what is causing so much pain inside of her that she has to do this. She seems so well adjusted, has a lot of friends, involved parents, etc.

And we agree, we are not sharing this with any of the family.

I agree the rest of the family will not understand especially if they aren't going to counseling with you. Best Wishes !! Keep us informed !!! I'll be watching all night into tomorrow for your posted updates..

 

[Buckalew11]

I agre. I wouldn't share this with your family or even your friends. People like to talk and your DD doesn't need a label when she walks by people in town or at the family gathering.

I have a client whose son was a cutter. He was a depressed child from puberty on (puberty + his parents divorced during this time of his life) and he was not an overweight child but a big, big boy. He was mentally abused at school by students and TEACHERS (this thought makes me so sick!). Anyway, on and off through his teen years he cut himself to cope with the pain. He also spoke of suicide on occasion. He did better when on meds for the depression but eventually found a website whose members were kids who thought about suicide and ways of hurting yourself etc. He didn't want to take the meds and these kids supported him in that decision. They'd discuss ways of suicide etc. It was a dark, dark place to be. This boy's uncle committed sucide. His godfather committed suicide and his father attempted it several times. After a time of stopping the cutting, he started again (when he was off the drugs for the severe depression). His brother told his mom that he was cutting again. She wouldn't have known because he was cutting the tops of his thighs. At 19, this child killed himself by hanging himself in the college dorm room. The depression won.

I say all this not to scare you because people that cut aren't always depressed like this child was. They are just releasing the pain from within. But I tell you because it is serious and YOU are right to be nosey, your are her mom and you have to step in. You are doing the right thing getting her help. Some people drink to cope, some people take drugs to cope, some people pull their hair out to cope all sorts of things but we as parents must step in for these kids. You are a great mom and I hope that your DH is as understanding about all this as you are. I think if she really didn't want you reading the journal, she'd have hidden it again. She is crying out for help and you are rescuing her.

As for the people who say their parents didn't step in or their friend's parents didn't step in--a lot of those people think it will just go away. But sometimes it doesn't. And some parents will never allow anything to be "wrong" for their kids so they ignore it/deny it.
They do their kids no favors by doing that. Thank God you are their for your DD. I will pray for her.

 

[nliedel]

It is a way to let the stress out and it is horrible. Getting her to someone now is so important. As for going through her things and reading her journal.. Well when I was a teen I would have flipped but I am a Mom now and I will do ANYTHING to help, love and protect my children and that includes more things than I would have ever condoned before I was a parent. Privacy is limited while you are under 18 and moving out is NOT an option so learn to deal with it kids. They all know the rules and while they accept them now I suspect there will be a lot of agony in a few years.

Hugs to you and a lot of care from someone you don't know in Michigan.

 

[Sparx]

first off.
Then I would like to say that I am a teen, and I am not a cutter, but I do understand it, and I can tell you why they do it.
It comforts them. What teens face that is out of our control is huge. there is so much going on, and like you said, sometimes we are still just little kids. They feel like they cant control anything, but they can control pain. And hurting themselves makes physical pain, which is easier to deal with than emotional pain. JMO
At least she knows she needs help, and is going to get it. You caught this early, which is a good thing.
once again

 

[sweet angel]

I haven't read all the replies, but here's my 2 cents.

I'm glad you read her diary and are doing something about it. While I agree that it's an invasion of privacy, I also think it's a necessary evil. I have parent tools installed on my computer to monitor my son's IMs. Through doing this, I discovered that his girlfriend cuts herself. I didn't ask him about it, but I did place a call to her father to advise him IN CASE she decided to do anything more serious. I told him that it could just be drama, but that I wanted to err on the side of caution and that had I known and not said anything and something happened, I'd feel horrible.

He told me nothing was wrong, but he'd talk to his wife. She then called me and basically gave me the abridged version of their life story. She blames him, he blames her..blah, blah, blah.

Anywho, I don't think they're doing anything about it, but my son has been hanging over there ALL the time (I'm forgetting what he looks like!), so maybe he's helping her through some rough spots. Not really his job, but I guess it's better than nothing as long as he doesn't also get dragged down.

I'll continue to monitor whether or not anyone believes it's my right/duty as a parent. I'll do what I see fit for my family.

I hope your daughter gets the outlet she needs to deal with the pressures of life and comes through this stronger!

 

[SunFloridaDisney]

Thinking of you, good luck. I have no experienced advice, but it is a tough job we have raising teens!

 

[dis4me]

 

[Bashful2]

My 16 year old was a cutter for about 3 years. One time, it was bad enough that we had to take her to the ED for staples. The kids do it for different reasons, but the act of cutting is a release of the pain he or she is feeling. My DD has a very good home life and was extremely happy as a small child. We've always had a great relationship. That doesn't guarantee anything.

At 12, she was diagnosed with ADHD, OCD and depression. The following year she was diagnosed with Bipolar. We've been to hell and back with her. At times, we've had to hide all knives and other sharp objects and to watch her 24 hours/per day. We couldn't even let her go to the bathroom by herself during those times for fear that she would hurt herself.

My point in tellng you this is to let you know she's doing great now. She hasn't cut in about 8 months and doesn't even get the urge anymore. To get this far though, it took 4 hospitalizations, a wonderful psychiatrist, and many different meds until we found the right combination. I'm not saying you will have to go through all of this. Most likely, the counseling will be all it takes.

By the way, don't let anyone make you feel guilty about looking through her things. I've done it many times with my DD and, even though she might have been very upset at the time, later she thanked me.

 

[Forevryoung]

Bashful2 and everyone else

I have been there, I have bipolar, OCD, social anxiety disorder among other things... I cut for many years (6+). I have attempted suicide, I have been hospitalized, I have been on medication for 5 years. I am 20 now and a senior in college and I live on my own and everything that comes with it.

If I ever found out that my mom had snooped around my things I would never trust her again. I tell my mom everything and have always been very open with her but I think that snooping is a betrayal of trust. I would no longer be able to tell her anything. I know that I do not have children and that when I do, I will want to do anything to protect them but protecting them means talking to them. If I am not privy to keeping my own thoughts my own by expressing them on paper or over IM or anything else then there goes my outlet for expression when there is something I dont want my parents to know. Therapy over the years has included journaling to release some of the energy and pain built up inside but if I ever knew or thought that it would be read without my permission, I would shut down.

I know this is my personal opinion and most of you will disagree (or all of you) but it is something to consider-

If anyone has any questions, feel free to pm me- I'm quite open about my issues

 

[Scared Mom]

Thank you all for your stories and encouragement. It really helps to know that we're not alone in this.

We went to the therapist last night. First he met with all of us, then her, and then just my husband and me. He didn't tell us the details of what they discussed, but did touch on the topics they discussed, and I was very surprised (pleasantly). It seems like she told him more than I ever thought she would and I think she opened up. I understand that it's going to be a long road, but I think we all came away feeling encouraged.

Thanks again.

 

[MinnieM3]

Scared Mom,

My DD19 did this around that age. We were horrified! She did get some counseling (briefly) and things worked out. As I recall, it was for attention and when she got all this attention after it was discovered, she pretty much stopped. For her it wsa a control issue. It was very upsetting. I know how you feel.