Advice!?

[kdm31091]

I really need some advice. It's a major reason I even come on here, I know...but I like the advice around here.

I'm gay. I was with my ex, Robert, for over a year (off and on sometimes, but more or less a year). I live in Delaware and he lives in California, but I stuck with it on the premise that he would move here this summer -- he came here last summer for a week to visit.

So a few days ago he told me he was lying about some things--he lied about who he was working with, he lied about who he talked to, etc. And of course, he couldn't move because 'his whole life was in California'.

Not only am i crushed, but i'm also being an *** to this guy that is sooo sweet to me. I don't know why, but I'm shoving him off. Places i went with my ex, i can't bear to go again since i will likely never see him again and the places make me sad. What do i do? I need a lot of advice!

Part of me wants to change his mind and get him to move, but part of me thinks that won't happen. Should I forget my ex instead?

I get super sad thinking about going this summer to places I haven't been to since he was here. It also makes me sick to my stomach imagining him doing all the things he said he wasn't (talking w/ certain friends, etc) -- would've been no big deal, but he had to lie about it. UGH! What to do?

I'm going to the beach next month and the last time I was there, I was with him...my ex...and now I feel like I can never go there without getting depressed! Help please

 

[WatchinCaptKangaroo]

I'm going to be brutally honest.

If he lied about who he worked for and who he talks to what makes you think he isn't lying about being single or available/faithful to you?

He isn't being sweet to you. He lied to you. Lying is not sweet. Lying is wrong.

People break up for a reason. They don't do it for fun. It isn't easy and it isn't going to be easy. But you have to ask yourself if you'd rather try and [probably unsuccessfully] convince someone who is lying to you about fairly minor things to move across the country.

 

[kdm31091]

The sweet guy I mentioned is a seperate guy, I've been sort of pushing him away from me even though he wants to help me...and I'm not sure I'm being fair.

Thinking about the beach right now is making me super sad. *sigh*

 

[Tiziminchac]

I know this doesn't help, but, time heals all wounds. If that's your pic in your avatar you look young. You'll probably get your heart broke many more times before you find the person who's right for you. That's how it works for the majority of humanity. Hope you don't think I'm not making little of your situation. I wish you luck. If you plan on figuring out love, your gonna need it.

 

[chris1gill]

Mourning the loss of your Ex would cause almost anyone to push other's away as well, even if they are being kind. I think that anyone that would lie to you about the things you mentioned really should be an Ex... it's time to mourn, and then at some point move on, it's horribly difficult, but as someone mentioned, it's part of being in mankind I guess....

 

[Diva of Dragons]

Cry it out or whatever it takes, but please don't take it out on those who do care. Deceit is probably the toughest thing to get over, but you will. I was in a 9 year relationship before I met DH and it was tough, at first , not to react to him the way I would the Ex. I had to constantly remind myself that this was new person and he has a clean slate with me!

Please don't let the Ex's behavior take the joy out of the things and places you love. Create "corrective experiences"! Start experiencing those things for yourself and with good friends so you will have current positive feelings about them.

More

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I think it sounds like way too much drama for a teenager. Cut your losses and move on. Life is too short.

 

[Mermaid02]

I think it sounds like way too much drama for a teenager. Cut your losses and move on. Life is too short.

Teen love is the HARDEST to get over. I was absolutely head over heels for my first real boyfriend. 25 years later I still remember the hurt.

First, let the "sweet guy" be your friend, but don't jump into anything. No sense in going there right now while you are still so hurt. Don't push away someone who wants to help you.

As for your ex.... he's not a "quality" person as my Mom's friend would say. Lying is probably just ONE of his bad qualities and you don't need that! Hold your head up high and just keep telling yourself that you deserve BETTER than that. Tell yourself that until you believe it!!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Does your ex still contact you? If yes, tell him to stop. It's harder to get over someone when they continue to call. Focus on the bad stuff he said and did. Get mad and you'll get over him quicker.

Let the nice guy be a friend. You never know what will be!

 

[Tuffcookie]

Give yourself time to grieve the loss of this relationship! You do not have to rush into another relationship but do allow friends to be with you and keep you occupied so you don't fall too much into that "woe is me", syndrome.


TC

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You have invested way yourself too much this relationship.
You had/have very high expectations and are now being burned by them.

My advice is to accept your reality. I also use this philosophy.

So evaluate how things are, not what you have in your head. Then make a decision.

For example you can accept the relationship for what it is, a good "friendship" or you can cut it off completely.
Or something in-between.

Don't try and fit square pegs in round holes, basically. It is a good skill to try and work on.

Oh and respect your friend's decision. If you do not have respect for each other at the basic level, you have nothing.

 

[Hannathy]

First the bad news, It hurts! It's going to hurt and everytime you go to a "special" place it will hurt. Now the good news, eventually it will start hurting less! not right away but slowly it will a little at a time. In a while you'll all of a sudden realize he I drove by so and so place and I only got a twinge, then I drove by and I am just now realizing it. I used to hate when my Mom said time heals but she was right. I used to hate when she said your young you'll get over it, but again she was right and while it doesn't help now or feel good to hear it, you will get past this and learn from it so the next relationship you get into might not blindside you with the same issues. Accept it hurts and isn't going to magically get better tomorrow, but anyone who can lie that easily apart won't stop when they are together and NO relationship worth keeping is based on lies.


I'm sorry no I don't have a magic wand to wave and make it better, but you will get past it and you'll be stronger.

 

[Kath2003]

The question is: can you trust him?

If you can't, walk away. You can't just "forget" about him and you'll be upset but it'll get easier.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened

Your first love is always a toughie

 

[dementia412]

I had a relationship with a guy once who lived a couple states away. I ended up finding out he was engaged to someone else, and had still another girl in Cali who was making plans to move across the country to be with him. This guy told one lie after another, and I kept hanging on to him. He was a complete jerk, and another guy who had been trying to get me to date him finally got mad at me and told me if I wanted to be stupid and pant after this guy who was an obvious jack@$$, then go ahead, but he wasn't going to hang around and wait for me. When I finally let The Jerk go I realised just how stupid I had been, if he was making excuses to not be with me (like your guy is doing to you), then WE were never going to happen (just like you two will never happen). It hurts to be fooled, but it hurts worse to look back and see how much time you wasted being sad, depressed, angry! Cut him lose, and go to the beach. Enjoy yourself, and accept that maybe you can never forget him, but you can move on to someone better for you!

 

[PrincessKitty1]

It's perfectly normal to mourn the loss of your relationship. Don't beat yourself up about it, but I would recommend not having any contact with this guy who lied to you. You will NEVER know when he is telling the truth now, and he will just hurt you more if you try to stay friends with him.

As for the new sweet guy in your life, just let him know you need some time to mourn the loss. When we break up with somebody, we lose not only the relationship, but the visions/dreams we had of our future together. It's a very sad time, and you may not be ready to rush into another relationship. On the other hand, this may be a really nice guy who can distract you from your pain, so only you can decide! Warmest wishes for healing.

 

[Disney Doll]

First, I am sorry that you have been hurt. Break-ups are never easy.

As far as your ex...you cannot make someone into something they are not. He is not a person of integrity...he has been lying to you. What if you did get back together?? Would you ever trust anything he said, knowing he has a history of lying???? Trust is paramount in a relationship. Cut the ties with him, don't take his calls, if you have any of his stuff mail it back to him. It's hard to get over someone if you are still in contact with them.

As far as the new person who is being kind to you....there is nothing wrong with saying to someone "I am just coming off of a break-up and don't feel ready to get involved again". But don't alienate a nice person because of your lousy ex. Maybe this guy could be a friend, and in time, who knows what might develop??? Nothing says you have to jump right into another love relationship. Hang out with people, be friends, do fun things.

If that is you in your avatar, you are young. You may go through several more break-ups before you find the right one. Use them as learning experiences.

 

[kdm31091]

Yeah I'm young, I'm 16. thanks for all the advice so far

 

[The Mystery Machine]

16?

My dd is 16. My advice is to not get serious with anyone. Way too young for that. Just have fun and keep it light.

 

[sunee]

Why not think about your future instead of your past? Focus on what you're going to do when you graduate from high school.

 

[PghLybrt]

AH sweetie I am sorry. Its really hard when you are that age and I think it is even tougher when we are gay in this type of situation.

Take some time and do things you like to do for you. Maybe Google your area and find you local GLBT center. I know ours locally has some great programs for teenagers and by getting involved with different activities might help you move past this all that much faster. I think hanging out with other gay teenagers would help. You all have similar experiences.

I say hang out with this new guy. Make those old places and bad memories into new good ones. For example If I had let my trip to Disney with my ex put a dislike on Disney forever I would never have gotten to enjoy it with my girlfriend today. I don’t want to live like that, I want to enjoy it all.