Advice please

[MDTerrapin]

This year has been very tough for us financially. DH has made about 30,000 less and we are struggling. His father has helped us out a few times this year with bills but we decided that we have to weather this on our own and would no longer ask for help. We told his parents to not buy us anything for Christmas. We cannot afford to buy for anyone and it would be very uncomfortable for us not to reciprocate. My mil called me this afternoon very upset because we will not let them buy us anything and we will not allow them to help us with the bills. I feel as if we have a roof over our heads, food on the table, etc... so we have to make do the best we can. Any thoughts on how to make the inlaws see our viewpoint?

Thanks,
Karen

 

[Owlpost23]

There is a reason you have family-that is what family can do.Don't ruin your credit rating,or go hungry or cold because of pride.It is most generous of your inlaws to want to help-let them.If it would make you more comfortable,you could set up a repayment plan with them.They love you and want things to go well for you.It's crushing for parents to see such struggle.Best of luck!

 

[laurafergie]

Bless your MIL's heart and bless yours. I have walked in your shoes more than once.

There is a difference between family helping and supporting (and I mean that by actions, emotionally and mentally) one another in the good and the bad times - and family having to prop someone up because they are a deadbeat.

You and your DH are not deadbeats. You are just going through some tough times right now. Let your MIL do something. It's what parents do. She wants to take care of her son and by extension you. Please let her. She is upset because she sees her child in need and is frustrated because she can't help.

I'm sure someone better than I will come along with a suggestion on the right way to put this, but I would call her up and thank her for generosity, and her beautiful heart and ask if maybe there can be some compromise. You feel uncomfortable with taking money, but maybe they could give some grocery gift cards to help you all out, and you all could reciprocate by helping them do some needed things around the house?

As far as Christmas presents, let her - and maybe you can make a batch of fudge or favorite dessert. Very inexpensive and very much from the heart.

This too shall pass, I promise.

 

[bellarella]

Sorry -- but if their desire to help has no strings attached, it sounds like you are either trying to punish yourselves or are letting pride get in the way. People can get great joy out of helping others -- sometimes we need to set our pride aside and allow ourselves to be the one to be helped.

Again, assuming that this is just an honest wish to be generous, I think the spirit of the season might lead you to come around to her view point.

Sorry it has been a tough year. Hope 2011 is better.

 

[zoemurr]

of ways to "reciprocate" without spending $.

First of all, I would let them help you. Clearly that is what they want to do and it is causing them heartache watching you struggle. Think of it this way.. in (hopefully a long time) you will end up with their $ anyhow. Wouldn't you want to let them see you thrive with it then have it help you later when they are gone?

Make them a scrapbook, write a thoughtful letter, make a mixed CD with meaningful songs.. we always make most of our gifts (kids are spending tonight making a scrapbook calendar for grandma) as she doesn't want a store bought one. One year we made a "memory book" with questions for grandma to answer "what was your first car".. etc.. and had her return it to us later. It's a great keepsake for everyone and shows them how important they are to us.

If they spend $500 and you spend $10 then so be it. They will both be given with love and greatly appreciated.

Sorry you are going through a rough patch, but be greatful. Many people go through this and don't have loved ones that are so eager to help.

 

[MSSANDRA]

No matter how old their children are, parents want to give to them. Please just be gracious and let them do "something". They understand you can not give gifts this year and I am sure they do not care about this. If they insist on a gift suggest something you can really use like a gift card to the grocery store or wal-mart or something small and simple and they can decide. If they give you a card with money on Christmas morning, simply say thank-you.

 

[libraryfreak]

When you get back to where you were, and you will, then pay it forward. It all comes full circle. Accept your MIL's gift, it'll make her feel go,od to help you just like you'll feel good when you can help others.

 

[fakereadhed]

Just because you decided not to give gifts doesn't mean everyone else came to that decision. If you feel bad about not giving something you could give gifts of time- coupons for household chores, spending time together for a movie night, or do shopping or errands for them.

 

[Marionnette]

This year has been very tough for us financially. DH has made about 30,000 less and we are struggling. His father has helped us out a few times this year with bills but we decided that we have to weather this on our own and would no longer ask for help. We told his parents to not buy us anything for Christmas. We cannot afford to buy for anyone and it would be very uncomfortable for us not to reciprocate. My mil called me this afternoon very upset because we will not let them buy us anything and we will not allow them to help us with the bills. I feel as if we have a roof over our heads, food on the table, etc... so we have to make do the best we can. Any thoughts on how to make the inlaws see our viewpoint?

Thanks,
Karen

I think its admirable that you want to stand on your own two feet. But imagine if the shoe were on the other foot. How would you feel if your mother in law was the one who was dealing with a financial crisis and she refused your help? Thats what families do for each other. Charity begins at home.

 

[momx2]

I agree with the previous posters. If gifts make you uncomfortable, let them get you grocery gift cards or something to help stretch what you do make. Good parents want the best for their children and it sounds like your DH has good parents.

 

[GoofyGolferGirl]

I agree, let them help! Marionnette is right "what if the shoe were on the other foot?" my DMIL had a stroke and is bedridden but does not have to be! If she would let my DH and I help her it would make us feel better! I feel so guilty because of her being bedridden, if we lived closer or she would come live with us for a awhile or forever it would be great! Let them help! It is not like you are not trying!!

 

[hffmnheidi]

Make a batch of cookies and use those as your gifts if you feel you need to do something.

I think the idea of coupons is a great one for things all year round-mow the grass, rake the leaves, plant the garden, clean out the gutters, ect...that costs you nothing in the long run but time and you have given a gift of time and consideration to your loving family.

There are so many families out there that wouldn't bat an eye at your situation and would let you be, so definitely don't let pride stand in your way, especially at this time of year. There are options available to you, so use them.

 

[momxx5]

As a family in great financial stress, who will probably not have gifts under the tree, because a family meal will be our celebration, I am here to tell you....be extremely grateful that you even have people/family willing to help you.
Accept the help now, knowing that you will be in a better position someday and be able to give back or pay it forward.

Charity and giving goes both ways.....there are those who want to give and y'all need to be gracious recievers.

God Bless you and your family.
May the New Year be a great year for y'all.

 

[tarheel618]

If you live close to them maybe you could repay them by shoveling snow, planting flowers in the spring or just helping with little projects.

It sounds like they want to help out and no matter how old a child is, it's still your child and you always want to help them out.

Sometimes, it's hard to admit you need help, it is great that you have a family that is willing to do it.

 

[Chelley00]

My ILs are the same way. I fought and fought with them about giving us money, buying us things etc. Finally I realized that it was a losing battle. That is just their way of showing us how much they love us. I've finally come to realize that while I cannot reciprocate dollar for dollar, we can so things for them like helping with yard work, having them for dinner etc.

For them, it's not looked at charity to us, it's a gift. I've had to learn to let my pride go and accept what they offer us as part of their family. It's a hard thing to swallow one's pride but sometimes, it's really nice. Not everyone has people in their lives who can help out, or who even offer to help, so please accept what they offer, enjoy it, and make plans to do something for them for Christmas with what you have available.

 

[MagicalMawMaw]

I know how it is to be on the taking end & also on the giving end.

And It is lots more fun to be the one getting to give.

I enjoy helping my kids when they need it. They work hard & never ask for anything...thus it is a pleasure to give to help them out at times.

I just tell them when you are able pass it on.

Meanwhile sweet notes & little things mean lots in return. Visits from them, a loaf of my daughters banana bread or a kiss from my granddaughter sure means more to me than the extra $ we shared. When you love each other as a family it's no fun eating out at Outback when they can't afford to eat at Wendy's...much more fun to all go out at a reasonable place together at times & we pick up the tab.

The time will come when you are able to pass it on again & everytime you do so you'll remember them & what they did for you. Just remember when folks love you that's the way life works & be thankful they love you that way.

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

I am sure your in-laws are no fools. There would be no help coming if your situation was self-made because of poor choices. This is clearly not the case and they know it and want to help. While I totally understand your pride is at stake here, let them for their sake. The greatest gift you can give them is allowing them to feel useful and knowing that they are still able to take care of their "baby" (which he will always be in their eyes). Parents, as they age do not want more "stuff". They want your time and friendship. Invite them over to decorate the tree, have dinner, go shopping with them, go to a movie, spend the holidays or just call to chit chat. There are many ways to show your love and and appreciation which do not involve buying gifts for them.

May the new year bring prosperity to everyone suffering in these hard times.

 

[SplashMo]

Let them help!

At least let them get gifts for the kids... As many as they would like.

Make sure you dont have to pay back. Loans are bad between family...

 

[SoonerSarah]

We all "give" in our own ways. My MIL loves to buy things for others. It gives her a lot of joy. We are not in a financial position to give back to her what she gives to us in terms of monetary value. But we do give back to her in so many other ways. Friendship (for me) is the biggest way that I can give back to her. And we have a very good relationship. And that is exactly what she wants back in return.

MIL has totally gone overboard in past years in regards to presents, especially for the children. She has been coming around to realize that they don't need all that she is giving, but I've never asked her to stop. I know that it brings her joy to give, and it is something she is able to do.

From the parenting aspect, if I am in a position to help, I want to do whatever possible. Whether it is one of my girls or my teenage sisters, if they have a need, it is my strongest desire to fulfill it.

Even if a Christmas present to you is not a need, perhaps her giving it to you is fulfilling a need of hers.

 

[Kay1]

At least let them give you a gift. It sounds like gift-giving is an imortant Christmas tradition for them and maybe you should reconsider depriving them of that fun.

They don't seem to expect anything in return, and really, isn't that the true nature of gifts? If you want to give something back maybe you could think of something that involves little or no money. Best of luck to you.