Advice please...sick relative.

[taximomfor4]

Let me give a bit of background. I am quite uncomfortable asking for advice from strangers, but really am suffering from indecision here. My uncle is critically ill. He has been very sick, and nearly died, several times in the past 2 yrs yet miraculously survived. He had a terrible setback, and is now extremely critical again. We rarely see each other, maybe 1x every year or 2 but when I was a kid, I hero-worshipped him.

Now, we leave for WDW (FDP) on Friday. I didn't get insurance because we are driving. It is 18 hours straight driving. It's me, dh, and 4 kids. We are packed and ready to leave.

IF my extremely ill uncle doesn't make it, what do I do from WDW? My family generally doesn't care much about each other, and pretty much always disapprove of everything everyone else does so they will for sure be furious if I don't come back for the funeral. My uncle himself would not expect me to cut family time short on his behalf, I KNOW that.

Do I cancel the trip and eat the deposit? Do I go, and hope that I am wrong about his chances (I have been wrong before, as he has beat the odds again and again) and just miss the funeral if there is one? Do I go, and if he doesn't make it try for bereavement fares to fly home for the funeral, then back to WDW....dh can keep the kids in WDW for a day or so without me, I think? Is there anything I am not thinking of?

I wish Grandma were here. She always told things like they are...and went by the mantra "The Children are everything."

I am having a rough time with my conscience...not for myself -- I don't mourn well at funerals...but for the sake of The Family. They already disapprove about us taking WDW trips, for some reason, so they would certainly jump on this.

 

[we3disneygo]

 

[Hannathy]

First go see your Uncle NOW while it counts to him, while he is alive! Tell him you love him etc. This is more important than when he is dead. Funerals are for the living to let yourself grieve or to show love and support for the family. Go now and then go on your trip with a clear conscience(sp). You can't do anything for your Uncle at his funeral. If it was your Mom or even a Grandma who you saw all the time I might feel different but an Uncle you see 2x a year I put your family ahead of this.

Go see him now and then leave on your trip, share a few of your memories of your Uncle with your kids and to me you will be honoring him more than just putting a dress on and showing up for an hour at the Funeral home. Heck he could pull out again or last longer than your trip we just never know.

 

[NotUrsula]

Just be sure that you leave a number for the family where you can be reached at all times. My MIL was out of town when her mother died. She was on a road trip with her husband and had not left a contact number. By the time she called anyone to check in, the funeral was already over.

This happened a few years back, but what the relatives remember is not so much that she didn't attend the funeral, but that they were frantically trying to inform her of the death but could not find her. MIL also feels really bad that she missed it because she did not think to check in.

If it were me, I would take suitable funeral clothing with you to DW, and if/when the call comes, you can decide if you feel you need to attend. (Do go see your uncle now, though, as another poster suggested.) If you decide to go, go to the airport and buy yourself a ticket to the funeral, taking a discount airline if at all possible (SWA, JB, etc.) The important thing is to feel prepared for the possibility that you might change your mind and go anyway; even if you don't, you won't feel trapped or forced by circumstances.

 

[taximomfor4]

Great advice. I really do appreciate it. This is so hard.

I should have mentioned that we would see him more, but his wife who has been caring for him has not allowed it. She even lets the hospital know that he's not allowed unapproved visitors. He, of course, is back into his drug-induced coma while back on respirator. The only time I have seen him in the past year was one day at a family gathering, when he apparently felt well enough to sneak out and drop in for a few minutes. This was last November. Other than that, his wife gives us email updates. When he is really sick in the ICU, she emails almost every day.

I have left my cell number with my sister and my mother, as well as my uncle's wife (not that I expect her to be the one who calls). I will certainly pack appropriate clothing, too. Great suggestion.

I feel so morbid, predicting he will not pull out of it this time. I don't even know what to hope anymore. Sacreligious-sounding, but when I was really little, I thought my uncle looked JUST LIKE Jesus.

 

[TinkInPink]

I'm sorry about not seeing your Uncle, Families can be so hard to deal with sometimes. I just wanted to mention that bereavement fares are no bargains! They aren't full price but they really aren't discount either so be prepared it may influence your descision on flying back. You may want to call an airline and get a guesstimate from them. IMO if his wife is being so stingy about any family seeing him she really can't expect many family to show up at the funeral for her 'cause like I said, before he dies is for your uncle after is for her and if she denied me my Uncle I wouldn't go out of my way or excessive expense to see her. good luck, but with this added info I would send a card to the Hospital and go enjoy my trip.


Sorry there may be 2 funerals, my DD keeps logging in the joy of summer! THis was from Hannathy

 

[mickeyfan2]

We had this same senario with my Uncle. He told us himself to go and forget about him. He did survive for a while after we returned. If it was us I would go.

 

[1stluvispooh]

First of all I am so sorry that you are going through this. I as everyone else has said would go yet pack an approrate outfit just incase. You keep saying that your Uncle would want you to go and have a good time with your family. Go do that for him. I know that a lot of your anxiety is over what the family will think. I know I have been there myself. The thing is. They are not you and cannot tell you what is right or wrong for you. If your uncle does pass while you are on vacation do what you wont regret. If you will regret not going to the funeral go if you will regret leaving your vacation stay. I hope this helps

 

[Feralpeg]

First, I'm very sorry to hear about your uncle. That being said, I'll probably get flamed for this. You said you know your uncle would not expect you to cut short your vacation. You also said your family disapproves of everything you do. So, why do you care? I know. It's family, but there comes a time that we have to live for ourselves and stop worrying about what others think. In my mind, a family that disapproves all the time isn't much of a loss. If they really care about you, they'd try to be more understanding.

My aunt died recently. I did not go back for her funeral. It would have been a long, expensive trip. I know that she knew I loved her. I did speak to my uncle (her husband) over the phone and expressed my condolences. What others think, I really don't care.

Maybe it is my age, but I've stopped putting so much effort into worrying about what others think. As long as I feel I am living my life the right way, that is all that matters. JMHO. to you!

 

[StephMK]

I love the idea to see him before you go. Then go & enjoy your trip. If you get the news while you're gone, have your own special moment of remembrance down in Disney. I don't grieve well either & don't want a funeral at all. I think it sounds like even if you flew back from a vacation for the funeral, the family may still find some way to make you feel bad about it. Enjoy your trip & remember him in your own way, he'll understand.

We thought my grandmother was on her death bed a few times since April. It looked REALLY bad right before our beach trip in July. We went w/fingers crossed. A month later, she is still around & doing much better. Not cured but better than before. You never know so don't cancel if it's hard to reschedule.

 

[crl]

First of all, I'm sorry you are faced with this situation.

I agree with the others. Visit him before you go, then go and enjoy yourselves. If something does happen, then you can make a choice whether to go to the funeral or not. But be prepared with an overnight bag incase you decide to go back. We were faced with this sort of situation with my FIL a few years back. They )MIL and FIL) both told us to go have fun. We did check in often, but in the end, we were glad we went since he was still ok when we got back.

 

[c4alymom]

You have a hard decision to make and I don't envy you. However, as someone who just lost her mom, I knew that people had plans and I knew the expense of traveling. Don't cancel your plans. If YOU know that your Uncle would want you to continue with your trip, do it. After all, it is about him, not what the rest of the family would think. What regret would you have if you cancelled and faced mourning and grief when you should be celebrating his life. We are taking our trip in Sept to remember my mom. I miss her with all that I am, but I also celebrate what we had and the blessing she was to me. Don't miss out on this time with YOUR family. Memories are what make us. The memories you have of your uncle will be what you take on, not the memory of his funeral. Give your family those memories of you. In the end, that is what will matter.

 

[freckles and boo]

There is nothing you can do to make an unsupportive family approve of your decisions. Even if you cancel this trip they will find something else to judge and to give you grief about down the road. That is what judgmental people do and you will never satisfy them.

Only you know what your relationship is with your uncle. If you believe he would want you to be with your husband and children, then go. If he passes away when you are gone, I am sure you will honor and mourn him in your own way in your own time.

 

[taximomfor4]

First, I'm very sorry to hear about your uncle. That being said, I'll probably get flamed for this. You said you know your uncle would not expect you to cut short your vacation. You also said your family disapproves of everything you do. So, why do you care? I know. It's family, but there comes a time that we have to live for ourselves and stop worrying about what others think. In my mind, a family that disapproves all the time isn't much of a loss. If they really care about you, they'd try to be more understanding.

No flames at all from me, the OP. I suppose my perfectionistic, classic overachiever self has never stopped trying to gain approval from people who, realistically, will never give it. My sister told me tonight that it's really just because I am quiet, and never raised a fuss around The Family... they don't understand me. So what. I don't understand them, yet I don't judge them all the time, either.

Anyway, DH has begged me to do what I feel is best, and he'll go along with it. He just wants me to NOT have another sleepless night. We are going to take some great advice we have gathered (on here, as well as from some people IRL that we truly know well and respect). I will leave my cell number, and go on vacation...with a nice outfit packed, just in case. If the worst happens, I will decide at that point what to do. I did contact my uncle's wife again asking to come and visit, even if I only see him for a few minutes. It's not going to happen, but I want to make every effort.

I try not to come onto internet boards and ask for real life advice, but really needed it today. You all were very kind and helpful. I thank you sincerely.

Beth

p.s. Just got an email from his wife, telling me to please go on the trip, and be at peace with that, and that she appreciates my caring as much as I do. It's hard to be at peace, when I just want to cry - mourning for someone who isn't even dead.

 

[Feralpeg]

No flames at all from me, the OP. I suppose my perfectionistic, classic overachiever self has never stopped trying to gain approval from people who, realistically, will never give it. My sister told me tonight that it's really just because I am quiet, and never raised a fuss around The Family... they don't understand me. So what. I don't understand them, yet I don't judge them all the time, either.

Anyway, DH has begged me to do what I feel is best, and he'll go along with it. He just wants me to NOT have another sleepless night. We are going to take some great advice we have gathered (on here, as well as from some people IRL that we truly know well and respect). I will leave my cell number, and go on vacation...with a nice outfit packed, just in case. If the worst happens, I will decide at that point what to do. I did contact my uncle's wife again asking to come and visit, even if I only see him for a few minutes. It's not going to happen, but I want to make every effort.

I try not to come onto internet boards and ask for real life advice, but really needed it today. You all were very kind and helpful. I thank you sincerely.

Beth

p.s. Just got an email from his wife, telling me to please go on the trip, and be at peace with that, and that she appreciates my caring as much as I do. It's hard to be at peace, when I just want to cry - mourning for someone who isn't even dead.

Beth,

It sounds like your uncle's wife is a kind and caring person. Please be at peace with your decision. Your uncle knows how much you care about him. Waiting, during a time like this, is always the hardest. If it makes you feel better to cry, go right ahead.

 

[schlepsnort]

My Grandmother is on her death bed now, as she has been several times in the last 4 years. This time they claim is going to be it. That was a week ago.
I have a feeling she is going to hold on and then pass away while we are at WDW.
I was never close to her, but as with families there are certain people who EXPECT you to show up no matter what. One family member even expects me to bring my three very small children to the open casket funeral.
I have made it clear to everyone that IF she passes while we are in WDW that they will be in my thoughts and prayers but we will not be cutting our trip short.
I also have made it clear that if she passes before hand, our children will NOT be at the service, only I will.
Like others have said, if you can, go see your Uncle and say your goodbyes then. It is better to remember them in happier times than bad like these. As far as family expectations go I've just learned that you are darned if you do and darned if you don't!
Sorry to sound harsh, I'm just going through something similar and just find that my family is making it more difficult than it even needs to be.