Advice please.....falling apart

[SillyMe]

I came to this board because it is easier for me to say some of these things to you guys because I fear that my family and friends would never forgive him if they knew everything that was going on. I was hoping that someone would understand. As far as financially no we wouldn't be okay Jack makes a lot of money far more then I could and yes that is huge to me. To take DD away would mean changing her whole life and taking her out of the life she deserves. Child support would not compensate for what she gets now versus what i could provide. i read your messages and my heart breaks more. I swear to you all I am trying and doing the very best i can. I am not going to post anymore because apparantly you don't understand my situation or life at all. Just please keep praying for us.

Holly

Holly, I understand your situation. You really need some counseling. You really need to build your self-esteem. Believe me, I felt the same way when I left my ex. That I was taking my dd out of the life she deserves, but you know what? That's not true. What she deserves is a strong mother who will stand up for herself and her daughter...a mother who can be a good strong role model for her and let her know it's NOT okay to let someone step all over you.

I'm still struggling to make my dd6 understand why I left her daddy, but she's doing just fine. Yes, it's a struggle in every way you can imagine, but in the long run it will be for the best. You can provide for your daughter if you get a job and child support. Trust me, I know. I'm doing it right now. She may not be living in a big house, but that's not what matters at all. Believe me, it won't matter to her. My dd didn't seem to care where she was, as long as she was with me. She still cries for me and would rather be in our tiny apartment with me, than in the big house with her father when she's there. And like your dd, she worships the ground her daddy walks on. My ex makes more than double what I earn and my girls and I are doing just fine. You can make it work, but you have to have the confidence and determination to do it.

I think you're really hurt by what he has done to you and you are completely dependent upon him. Apparently you haven't found the anger in you yet.

 

[rt2dz]

I came to this board because it is easier for me to say some of these things to you guys because I fear that my family and friends would never forgive him if they knew everything that was going on. I was hoping that someone would understand. As far as financially no we wouldn't be okay Jack makes a lot of money far more then I could and yes that is huge to me. To take DD away would mean changing her whole life and taking her out of the life she deserves. Child support would not compensate for what she gets now versus what i could provide. i read your messages and my heart breaks more. I swear to you all I am trying and doing the very best i can. I am not going to post anymore because apparantly you don't understand my situation or life at all. Just please keep praying for us.

Holly

I haven't posted, although I've been following this thread, because I can't begin to understand your situation. Is all I can really send you.

I do want you to know that the pp really have your best interests at heart. You are not in a good situation. They are worried for you. Worried for your DD. Especially worried for your DD. Both you and she need professional help, from both a lawyer & a counselor of some sort. You could avoid what you are afraid of facing with friends & family (and I think the reason is that you know it is correct deep down) and avoid anything too harsh from an internet message board.

Please take care of yourself & your DD.

 

[Kimickey]

I have told him he can do basically whatever if he just stays. That just makes him angry too. I will do anyhting to keep us together but i'm out of ideas.

Holly

I'm no therapist here but this statement alone makes me very concerned. Honey, no man is worth this. Be strong, love yourself first then your DD and ROLL OUT!!!! You do not want a man like this glued to you. Just thank your lucky stars that you are not married to him so it is much easier to walk away. You do not need a man to make you happy especially Jack. Make yourself happy and leave because that's where you will find your piece of mind. Trust me when I say this, I'll be the first to admit that I was scared to leave my DH because I thought I would not make it without him, I thought that I would be sad but baby girl, I'm so much happier now without him. Peace of mind alone is something that will get you through any situation Please feel free to PM me if you EVER need to talk.

 

[DebIreland]

Kimickey, that was a really sweet post.

 

[chell]

I came to this board because it is easier for me to say some of these things to you guys because I fear that my family and friends would never forgive him if they knew everything that was going on. I was hoping that someone would understand. As far as financially no we wouldn't be okay Jack makes a lot of money far more then I could and yes that is huge to me. To take DD away would mean changing her whole life and taking her out of the life she deserves. Child support would not compensate for what she gets now versus what i could provide. i read your messages and my heart breaks more. I swear to you all I am trying and doing the very best i can. I am not going to post anymore because apparently you don't understand my situation or life at all. Just please keep praying for us.

Holly

Sorry that we are not saying what you want to read. The truth hurts!

Besides him cheating on you and not having any respect for your relationship think about the diseases and such he could bring home to you. What would you do if he infected you with some STD? What if it was something that could kill you or make you terribly ill? Then what would your daughter do?

You need to step outside of your comfort zone and have some faith. You are asking for prayers but what are you going to do with them? Do you know the old joke of the man who was on his roof top as his home was flooding? When he got to Heaven he asked God why he let him drown. God reminded him that He had sent him 3 rescues but the man declined each one.

I know what it is like to change your world completely. It isn't fun and it is scary as hell. But there comes a point where you need to look at things from a clear view. What will be better for you and your daughter down the road? Will it be good for her to grow up in a home where there is no love between her parents? Where they do not respect one another? That is full of hostility?

People are not trying to be mean here, just honest. You are not the only one here to go through something like this. Don't run and hide because you don't like the advice you are being given.

 

[va32h]

I came to this board because it is easier for me to say some of these things to you guys because I fear that my family and friends would never forgive him if they knew everything that was going on. I was hoping that someone would understand. As far as financially no we wouldn't be okay Jack makes a lot of money far more then I could and yes that is huge to me. To take DD away would mean changing her whole life and taking her out of the life she deserves. Child support would not compensate for what she gets now versus what i could provide. i read your messages and my heart breaks more. I swear to you all I am trying and doing the very best i can. I am not going to post anymore because apparantly you don't understand my situation or life at all. Just please keep praying for us.

I hope you are still reading this thread Holly, because let me tell you, I am living your life.

I am living your life right now.

I understand exactly how it feels to confide in strangers because you know that if you tell your family and real-life friends, you will have to Do Something About It. Or always be known as that schmuck who let her husband cheat on her.

I understand how it feels to think it's your fault, and even want it to be your fault, because you can change yourself. If it's his fault - you can't change him.

I understand how it feels to worry about the house, and making the kids move, and the money, and having to go back to work, and daycare, and not being there with your kids.

I understand how it feels to think you've failed at making your relationship work.

I understand how it feels to feel foolish. Why didn't I see this coming? Why did I trust this person. Is my judgement so bad? What happened?

I understand how it feels to be scared. Will anyone ever love me again? Who will want me when I'm a single mom in her mid-thirties, who is clearly too unappealing even to hang on to her husband.

I understand how it feels to think that staying is better than leaving, because if you stay, you think, you'll always have the option to leave. But if you leave, it's done, it's over, you know you couldn't go back.

So please please believe me when I tell you that I understand what you are going through.

My parents are divorced and I swore I would never be like my father - destroy my family because I didn't feel "fulfilled". Mature grownups, good parents, put aside their personal desires for the good of the family. Who cares if you aren't "happy", and what is happiness really, but what you make it?

But I look at my girls and I think, what does that teach them? Girls you are beautiful and smart, and you can be anything you want, until you have kids of your own, of course. Then you have to put up with anything and everything for the sake of your family.

Just because someone loves you doesn't mean they love you enough. They have to love you enough so that you don't have to jump through hoops and beg for their acceptance. They have to love you more than they love themselves. They have to be able to put you and your children first.

I don't think you are getting that kind of love. I know I'm not. And I just can't live like that anymore.

You have two choices, and they both stink. So you have to pick the one with the most potential to someday get better.

 

[sajetto]

Holly, I've been following this but I haven't posted this. I don't want to hurt your feelings but the truth does indeed hurt. It seems to me that no one told you what you wanted to hear. Its easy to make exuses for someone b/c right now all you know is the relationship you had with him. However, life does change and it goes on. You will be fine without him whether you believe it or not. My prayers are with you

 

[poohandwendy]

I hope you are still reading this thread Holly, because let me tell you, I am living your life.

I am living your life right now.

I understand exactly how it feels to confide in strangers because you know that if you tell your family and real-life friends, you will have to Do Something About It. Or always be known as that schmuck who let her husband cheat on her.

I understand how it feels to think it's your fault, and even want it to be your fault, because you can change yourself. If it's his fault - you can't change him.

I understand how it feels to worry about the house, and making the kids move, and the money, and having to go back to work, and daycare, and not being there with your kids.

I understand how it feels to think you've failed at making your relationship work.

I understand how it feels to feel foolish. Why didn't I see this coming? Why did I trust this person. Is my judgement so bad? What happened?

I understand how it feels to be scared. Will anyone ever love me again? Who will want me when I'm a single mom in her mid-thirties, who is clearly too unappealing even to hang on to her husband.

I understand how it feels to think that staying is better than leaving, because if you stay, you think, you'll always have the option to leave. But if you leave, it's done, it's over, you know you couldn't go back.

So please please believe me when I tell you that I understand what you are going through.

My parents are divorced and I swore I would never be like my father - destroy my family because I didn't feel "fulfilled". Mature grownups, good parents, put aside their personal desires for the good of the family. Who cares if you aren't "happy", and what is happiness really, but what you make it?

But I look at my girls and I think, what does that teach them? Girls you are beautiful and smart, and you can be anything you want, until you have kids of your own, of course. Then you have to put up with anything and everything for the sake of your family.

Just because someone loves you doesn't mean they love you enough. They have to love you enough so that you don't have to jump through hoops and beg for their acceptance. They have to love you more than they love themselves. They have to be able to put you and your children first.

I don't think you are getting that kind of love. I know I'm not. And I just can't live like that anymore.

You have two choices, and they both stink. So you have to pick the one with the most potential to someday get better.

Wow, powerful post! And I especially agree with the last 2 sentences. I pray you both find the inner strength to make changes in your lives that will give you the opportunity to live the choice with the most potential.

 

[luv2nascar]

I'm praying for you and your daughter. I am not in your shoes so I can only sympathize. God bless you.

 

[Seahunt]

Everytime a guy has an affair, he starts to say he is confused. Confused??? I don't know why but I have seen it in several marriages of my friends. He is confused because Mr. Johnson says one thing and his conscience says something else. Move on with your life, you will be surprised what is in store for you down the road!

I agree with this post - did you ever see the Oprah episode with the authors of the "He's Just Not That Into You" book? They brought up the way men always say that they are confused, and it is just their way of soothing their conscience - they know they should care, but don't, really. They are already on their way out the door....

I feel so sorry for you, and can imagine how it feels to think that you will lose everything. JMHO but I think now you really have to face the fact that you'd better start preparing to take back your life. Maybe he would at least help finacially for you to go back to school or get situated in some way to be able to provide for yourself and your DD? Wishing you loads of good luck in the future

 

[DebIreland]

va32h

Your post was amazing - very sad but very powerful. Sorry for what you are going through.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Sorry that we are not saying what you want to read. The truth hurts!

Besides him cheating on you and not having any respect for your relationship think about the diseases and such he could bring home to you. What would you do if he infected you with some STD? What if it was something that could kill you or make you terribly ill? Then what would your daughter do?

You need to step outside of your comfort zone and have some faith. You are asking for prayers but what are you going to do with them? Do you know the old joke of the man who was on his roof top as his home was flooding? When he got to Heaven he asked God why he let him drown. God reminded him that He had sent him 3 rescues but the man declined each one.

I know what it is like to change your world completely. It isn't fun and it is scary as hell. But there comes a point where you need to look at things from a clear view. What will be better for you and your daughter down the road? Will it be good for her to grow up in a home where there is no love between her parents? Where they do not respect one another? That is full of hostility?

People are not trying to be mean here, just honest. You are not the only one here to go through something like this. Don't run and hide because you don't like the advice you are being given.

Excellent post!

 

[VSL]

As far as financially no we wouldn't be okay Jack makes a lot of money far more then I could and yes that is huge to me. To take DD away would mean changing her whole life and taking her out of the life she deserves. Child support would not compensate for what she gets now versus what i could provide.

Holly

So, the example that your setting for your DD is that it's OK for your partner to walk all over you as long as:
- they don't actually leave
- they've got money


ETA - surely your DD deserves a loving environment?
As a girl who was brought up in a schizophrenogenic environment and was showered with gifts, I can assure you that material items are not what a child needs or wants (deep down).

 

[SillyMe]

I hope you are still reading this thread Holly, because let me tell you, I am living your life.

I am living your life right now.

I understand exactly how it feels to confide in strangers because you know that if you tell your family and real-life friends, you will have to Do Something About It. Or always be known as that schmuck who let her husband cheat on her.

I understand how it feels to think it's your fault, and even want it to be your fault, because you can change yourself. If it's his fault - you can't change him.

I understand how it feels to worry about the house, and making the kids move, and the money, and having to go back to work, and daycare, and not being there with your kids.

I understand how it feels to think you've failed at making your relationship work.

I understand how it feels to feel foolish. Why didn't I see this coming? Why did I trust this person. Is my judgement so bad? What happened?

I understand how it feels to be scared. Will anyone ever love me again? Who will want me when I'm a single mom in her mid-thirties, who is clearly too unappealing even to hang on to her husband.

I understand how it feels to think that staying is better than leaving, because if you stay, you think, you'll always have the option to leave. But if you leave, it's done, it's over, you know you couldn't go back.

So please please believe me when I tell you that I understand what you are going through.

My parents are divorced and I swore I would never be like my father - destroy my family because I didn't feel "fulfilled". Mature grownups, good parents, put aside their personal desires for the good of the family. Who cares if you aren't "happy", and what is happiness really, but what you make it?

But I look at my girls and I think, what does that teach them? Girls you are beautiful and smart, and you can be anything you want, until you have kids of your own, of course. Then you have to put up with anything and everything for the sake of your family.

Just because someone loves you doesn't mean they love you enough. They have to love you enough so that you don't have to jump through hoops and beg for their acceptance. They have to love you more than they love themselves. They have to be able to put you and your children first.

I don't think you are getting that kind of love. I know I'm not. And I just can't live like that anymore.

You have two choices, and they both stink. So you have to pick the one with the most potential to someday get better.

It's not easy, but you are so right.

 

[NMAmy]

I came to this board because it is easier for me to say some of these things to you guys because I fear that my family and friends would never forgive him if they knew everything that was going on. I was hoping that someone would understand. As far as financially no we wouldn't be okay Jack makes a lot of money far more then I could and yes that is huge to me. To take DD away would mean changing her whole life and taking her out of the life she deserves. Child support would not compensate for what she gets now versus what i could provide. i read your messages and my heart breaks more. I swear to you all I am trying and doing the very best i can. I am not going to post anymore because apparantly you don't understand my situation or life at all. Just please keep praying for us.

Holly

Holly, a lot of us do understand and have been in a similar position and come out the other side--much stronger than before. I think we all just want you to know that life doesn't have to be like this and you deserve more. I hate to see you blaming yourself--I know in my own position, my ex blamed me for his having the affair and immediately after I found out, I blamed myself, too. I must be totally unloveable if the person I trusted most would do that to me. Well, he was wrong and trying to justify his own position.

I did want to share something about the financial issue. After we separated, I felt terrible that my dd had to do without a lot of things. She's 15 now and this happened when she was 8. We were discussing it the other day because she told me that the apartment we lived in was her favorite place that we had ever lived. Now, this certainly wasn't the lap of luxury. I asked her why and she said, "Because it was just the two of us and I knew you'd always take care of me." Something she wasn't sure about with her dad. I also mentioned how poor we were then and how much I really hated that apartment. She turned to me and said, "We were poor? No, we weren't." She had absolutely no memory of having to do without things. I think mainly because she felt safe and secure there.

I'm telling you this because kids don't necessarily care as much about the material things that they get as long as they feel safe and secure and loved. Please keep that in mind.

 

[Desnik]

I just want to offer you a big hug!! I really feel for you.
I just wanted to let you know how it is/was being a kid growing up in a house with parents that should've been divorced, but stayed "for the kids". My parents had been through it all, my father was a drug addict, alchoholic, gambler and cheater. My mother put up with it all. She was very young when they got together, he provided a good life financially for her and us and she made that too important that in the end we all suffered. As a teenager I would beg my mother to leave him and wished she would've done it when we were younger. She thought she was doing the right thing, not breaking up the family. I saw a woman who had no respect for herself and learned from what I saw growing up. I myself took abuse I shouldn't have, made money the most important thing and had no self esteem.
Look at your child. Do you want her to be in your shoes someday? Could you picture a man having no respect for her and her simply thinking she wasn't good enough for better, or strong enough to leave?
My parents ended up really trying to change things, even having a baby when my mom was almost 40! Today they are divorced! I so resent them for staying for us to only ruin our childhood and show us so much disfunction to then leave eachother anyway!
I had to go through alot of heartach and years of theropy and thank God things have turned out very well for me, no thanks to them. My older sister didn't. She was with a man from 15yrs of age and repeated my mothers behavior of just taking things because the alternative was just too scary. I thought the last straw for her was when she found out her husband came on to me. But no, she still stayed and had baby #3 with him! That's what happens when your self worth is 0!!! She finally got the courage to leave him. She is a 35 year old single mother with 3 kids!!! She had to uproot them from their big beautiful home, they had to give away their dog, their father moved 30 miles away and they do not have the financial freedom they had. You know what? They are all HAPPY!!!! They are living in an apartment and yes their mom has to work alot but the kids are doing so good! My little niece will see a strong, independant woman when she looks at her mom. Not a woman who will lay down and be stepped on by a man.
I cannot stress to you how important it is for you, as a woman to set an example for your daughter. Please do not teach her that money is so important that you loose your self worth. The right thing to do isn't the easiest. But, in the end you will have so much more. Self respect, self worth, dignity, and a little girl who will be shown that you never let a man or anyone else take those things from you!

Good luck to you.

 

[rt2dz]

nevermind.

 

[Ask"WhyNot?"]

Wouldn't your DD's father take care of her regardless? I know their is a "divorce"/seperation of ways, but that is still his child!?! Wouldn't he still be willing to make sure she lives in a decent neighborhood and still gets to participate in her activities and all that stuff? Parenting doesn't end when the relationship between the parent does.

If he is such a good father, I would think that he wouldn't have her living in a dangerous neighborhood, in a poor quality child care, and giving up everything--especially if he has the money to take care of her. He could pay for her activities directly. Take her shopping for needed things (school clothes) himself.

I guess I just don't understand how your kids could ever take a backseat.