Advice please - dating while divorce is pending

[diswedwish]

Okay, all of my friends are either not married or happily married, so I thought of turning to my Dis friends

Everything happened in Nov. - found out husband was chatting up a 13-year-old, he got violent with me, I left, went to the cops, papers are filed, haven't heard from him and Lord knows when he'll sign the papers. It'll be a no-fault divorce, no kids, no property, no joint loans or assets. Not to sound completely cold-hearted, but I no longer have any emotional attatchment to him after all that either. So basically I'm just waiting for it to be official...

So there's been this cute guy at the gym and he asked me to go to the movies with him I said yes, but it won't be for another week or so since I'm busy with work. So I have plenty of time to worry - lol!

Any helpful hints for getting back into dating? He doesn't know me at all other than a few short conversations at the gym and that we went to the same college for undergrad. We're both in our late 20's. I moved back with my parents after all this happened, and feel a tad insecure about that - makes me want to explain, but even telling someone briefly "gee I was married, etc" doesn't seem like a good first date conversation

Also I'd read somewhere that you're supposed to wait 18 months before dating after a divorce. Think that's entirely accurate? Or is that just for getting involved with someone seriously?

Help, pretty please

 

[Evil Queen]

Wish I had an answer. I know in going through my divorce, I didn't date, but we had a child together and I wanted to take no chances while waiting for the divorce to be finished. But, I would go out with a group of friends, male and female,and I ended up dating one guy from this group RIGHT after my divorce.. but it didn't last long.

 

[dmslush]

Do you have children? Knowing what I know now, through working with the court system, no way would I date before the divorce is final. It can be used against you if he wants to fight in the divorce.

 

[lil mermaid]

Does this new guy know that you are still technically married? If not, you really should just tell him.

I'm sorry what you went through with your husband - that must have been really horrible!

 

[Planogirl]

It might be a little early to date but it's OK to go out with friends right? I would just keep your current relationships light and fun, and avoid anything serious for a while. From what you say, you already sound divorced to me with the unsigned papers being a technicality. Good luck and here's to much better days!

 

[diswedwish]

Thanks for the advice so far. Let me clarify - we had no children, and when I met with the lawyer he said that I am free to do anything but marry - at least until the divorce is final. I agree with avoiding serious relationships - I just wanted to go out on a date, not get remarried And I have been out and about quite a bit with girlfriends, I just haven't been out on a "date" per se yet. I feel ready to go out casually (i.e. nothing serious either emotionally or physically), but wasn't sure what or if there were any guidelines for that...

 

[Alice Sr.]

Thanks for the advice so far. Let me clarify - we had no children, and when I met with the lawyer he said that I am free to do anything but marry - at least until the divorce is final. I agree with avoiding serious relationships - I just wanted to go out on a date, not get remarried And I have been out and about quite a bit with girlfriends, I just haven't been out on a "date" per se yet. I feel ready to go out casually (i.e. nothing serious either emotionally or physically), but wasn't sure what or if there were any guidelines for that...

Go for it. There are no children to complicate the situation and you have filed already. Your are working out which is good. I'm sure (even though you sound really spunky here) that you went through a very tough grieving period. If you have not gone through a significant grieving period you might want to stick with the girlfriends for a bit longer (but that is jmho). I hope you have a good time and be on guard to what fooled you the 1st time around.

 

[agotta]

The only thing I would say is that make sure it won't affect the divorce in anyway. If you are technically married it may be looked at as adultrey (even though he obviously was the one in the wrong here)

Other than that, if you feel you are ready than go for it!! Have a great time and be optimistic.

 

[Tuffcookie]

If the divorce papers have been filed I see no reason why you have to put your life on hold. There are no children involved.

TC

 

[Aidensmom]

I dated after the papers were filed, but before the divorce was final. I also had no children. But I did let whoever asked me out know that I was in the process of a divorce.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would feel dishonest if I didn't let him know I was "technically" married, but in the process of a divorce, and there was no emotional attachment.

 

[MeanLaureen]

I met and dated Matthew before my divorce from my first husband was final. Never even occured to me that it was strange. Maybe it was because my marriage was so long over even before we separated that I felt already divorced? Either way, everyone that I saw when I was legally separated knew that I was going through a divorce and didn't seem to mind. Not sure exactly why I should put my life on hold when my soon-to-be exhusband decided to check out of our marriage.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I don't know what to tell you. Everyone's opinions on when it is appropriate may differ.

But I will say--my sister left her abusive hubby---was trying to get a divorce (he was being pigheaded about it)---so while it was still pending--she began dating a new guy (set up on a blind date).

probably not the smartest thing so soon after a relationship ended the way it did. She had some tough moments and some maturing to do (like letting go of all that went wrong). One moment in a restaurant abotu 6 months later--she's not divorced yet--but livign witih her BF and the WHOLE family is at dinner at a restaurant and something set her off and off to the bathroom she ran. She was hysterically upset b/c we let her marry her first husband. She hadn't let it go yet.


FF--she is now Married to this boyfriend and they just had a baby girl.

So while it was a happy ending---it had a rough start. Her new BF wanted her to get over it and he was right--she needed to do that. But some guys--if you aren't over it..aren't going to want to wallow in that and may not stick around.

If you feel ready--go for it. If there is any doubt--you may want to reconsider.


And yes I am Catholic and my real answer should be blah blah blah whatever. And I say PHOOEY!

Oh--and once sis's ex-hubby finally go the clue that she wasn't back--he did finally sign the papers so that their divorce could be finalized.

I do agree to be up front with those whom you date.

 

[disykat]

I'm with those who say to be upfront with your dates about your marriage situation.

When I was single, I was set up on a blind date with someone whose divorce was not final yet and ended up feeling like I had been tricked. Fortunately, the guy was very honest - it was the coworker who set us up who wasn't.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Please tell the guy you are in the process of getting a divorce. Sorry to sound harsh, but he may not want to get involved yet.

 

[NMAmy]

I started dating DH while I was waiting for my divorce to be finalized. Considering that my ex was having an affair while we were still married and moved from my house to his girlfriend's house, he sure dragged his feet on the divorce. It took almost 2 years due to him.

And since his adultery didn't effect any part of our divorce including custody, my attorney told me it was fine for me to DATE someone after we had separated.

I do agree that you should let the person you're dating know that you are in the middle of a divorce. It's only fair. I'm glad I didn't wait, though, or I may have missed out on the love of my life.

 

[diswedwish]

Thank you all Yes, I had pretty much decided to be upfront with him. If it were me doing the asking and the guy was going through a divorce *I'd* want to know. It will be a little tough since everyone I've told has either been someone who knows me or a cop... I didn't feel it was appropriate to tell him right after he asked me out.

So when do I tell him? If he calls? Find out his number and call him? The next time I bump into him at the gym? Or wait until we're out? For all I know, he just asked for my number and wasn't really serious about actually going... Or he just wanted to be friends and I read into it that it was a date... I guess I don't want to make this big pronouncement and he'll say "great, but I'm not really interested so why did you tell me?" lol!

 

[luvwinnie]

There are no hard and fast rules for this stuff. Do what FEELS right. I started dating DH before my divorce was final and got married 8 mths. later. Have fun!

 

[diswedwish]

Another thank you for all the advice!! And an update...

We went out Friday and everything was fine. I told him as it came up in conversation and it turned out that I'd worried for nothing, he was completely supportive and fine with everything. He is very nice and funny and I had a great time We're going out again this weekend.

 

[NMAmy]

Another thank you for all the advice!! And an update...

We went out Friday and everything was fine. I told him as it came up in conversation and it turned out that I'd worried for nothing, he was completely supportive and fine with everything. He is very nice and funny and I had a great time We're going out again this weekend.

Yay, you! I've been thinking about you and hoping it all worked out.

It's always best to be up front about stuff like that--then it can't come back to bite you in the behind later on. I hope it all goes well for you!