Advice on Famiy Issue Needed (Long, sorry)

[Dis-Anonymous]

My eldest brother (almost 55), is currently in a nursing home near my home and my other brother's home. Some background first. My eldest brother, lets call him Mike, spent most of last year in a hospital with heart issues, and then in a nursing home/rehab center in Brooklyn, near his home. He has been unemployed since being fired from a decent job, and never got Cobra, or anything else. He honestly didn't know better, or didn't care. He wasn't able to get another job (or didn't try very hard, I can't say which). He stopped taking his high blood pressure meds, didn't watch his diet and wound up in the hospital. At this point he was on welfare, and doing some menial job for the city, and had medicaid. He also had diabetes that he wasn't treating. When this first happened, I went into the city for his angiogram (?? the first test) to see what his main heart problems were. He was in the hospital for a while, and then sent to another hospital in Manhattan. They did the best they could to clear the blockages he had, and then sent him home. He started passing out, and was sent back to the emergencey room. When he was there, he needed to go to the bathroom, and they let him go by himself. He wound up slipping and falling and severely breaking his leg. They did eventually operate on his left to fix it, and he still had his heart issues. He eventually lost a toe in the hospital and was shipped to rehab to back on his feet. So, most of last year was spent in and out of a hospital and in rehab. My other brother, also older than me (by 7 years), lets call him Joe, became the main contact for his care. I went a few times to see him, but to be very honest, at the time, I coudln't afford the gas or tolls into Brooklyn. Dh had been laid off, I was trying to find work (I have been a SAHM for 4 years), and we were trying to hold onto our home, and support our kids. I the mom to 4 kids, currently 5, 10, 21 1/2 and 22 1/2. I didn't have the flexibility to run to Brooklyn on a constant, or semi constant basis. I had a kids that had to be taken to school and picked up. The few times I saw my brother all he did was complain. I started to avoid calling him because all he would do was complain, about everything.

Ok, earlier this year he was sent home. He had a helper for about 2 weeks. He can't walk without a walker, can't drive, and wasn't able to go to the grocery store. Joe would go to Brooklyn and shop and set things up for Mike. He aslo cleaned up his apt (it was disgusting), and made sure that he didn't lose his apt. Now, Joe has 2 kids, 10, and 12 1/2 and a wife. He is also self-employed and can go and come as he pleases. I appreciate everything he has done for Mike, and have told him so. With Mike home things got worse. He kept on complaining to me about how Joe wasn't helping, and he was supposed to help. Well I ripped Mike a new one. I told him he was a selfish so and so, and that if it wasn't for Joe, that he woldn't have an apt, he wouldn't have had his previous job, cause Joe got it for him, and helped make sure that he didn't get fired before he eventually got fired. I went on and on about how he didn't help himself and didn't get a job, or keep one, didn't take care of hismself, and never said thank you to Joe, or to me for anything that anyone did for him. He siad nothing. For some reason he has this warped sense of entitlement.

When he got sick again, Joe brought him to a NJ hospital so we could get him in the Jersey system to make it easier for all of us. I was able to get him a placement in a nursing home that is inbetween both my home and Joe's. Now Joe is still dealing with everything, and I do appreicate it. When asked to do something, if I could I would.

His wife asked if they could keep Mike's car, which is no longer insured or regiestered infront of my house, I siad I would have to speak to my DH. Well DH said no, he doesn't want to get into trouble. I told Joe, that DH said no, but I think he forgot, or doesn't care. When DH and I left on Friday for our DS graduation, they dropped the car off at the house. By the time my dh got outside they were gone. So now I have to deal with this and I am sure it iwll be a big issue. My brother also called me last week, and asked if I could take Mike to a doctor's appt at 9:00 on Thursday. Well I had 2 problems iwth that. My 5 year old needs to be dropped off at school at 9:30 AM, and I have a monthly meeting at 10:00. I could tell he was annoyed, and my eldest son, who works for him, said yes he was annoyed.

Now, wouldn't it have made sense if he asked if I could take him to the doctor, and what time/day was good for me?? He knows I have a 5 year old that has to go to school, and he knows I work part time. If I don't work, I don't get paid, if he doens't work, his men still can. He still brings home a paycheck.

I don't want to fight with my brother, we were estranged for about 6 months 8 years ago, and they only reason we started talking again was because our mother died. I know he is annoyed, because he is dealing with everything about Mike, but that was his choice.

What is the best way to handle this illegal car parked in front of my house? BTW, he doesn't want it in front of his, because his neighbors have complained about it, and since my borhter has a big mouth they know it isn't registered or insured. Oh, it was sitting in his driveway for awhile, but he got a hugh camper there now, and there is no room for the car. My DH wants me to get it gone NOW.

 

[gris gris]

Call the police and tell them there is a car parked illegally in front of your house!

If your brother Joe has so much flexibility and your son works for him, can your son have the same flexibility and take Mike to the doctor on Thursday? Why does it have to be just you and Joe if there are other family members around?

 

[phillybeth]

If the car is not registered or insured, call the police and they will tow and impound it.

As for the other issue, just a paragraph before you said that if your brother asked you to do anything for Mike you would. Now he has asked you, and you won't. Let me tell you, taking care of a chronicially ill family member is no walk in the park. Your brother has had to rearrange his schedule many many times I am sure, and now you won't do it even once?

Why can't you child take the bus or get ar ride with a friend? Why can't you take ONE day off from work for your brother?

 

[budbeerlady]

If Mike cannot drive sell his car. It sounds like he needs the money for an apartment and care more than a car. Good luck and pixie dust to your family!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My advice would be to get with Joe and figure out how to sell or donate it.

 

[m&m's mom]

Wow! Your brother has gone way above and beyond and I cannot believe you are complaining about the very little he needs you to help w/.
BTW, when you own your own business you cannot "come and go as you please" - you are responsible for other people's livlihood - including your own sons for God's sake.
And for the car - it is just in front of your house and you have a problem w/ that too even though it does not even inconveniece you
Unbelieveable.

 

[CEDmom]

I feel really badly for your DB "Joe". It sounds like he's trying to do right by your DB "Mike" and is asking very little of you. I can understand your DH not wanting the car parked on the street in front of your house. Can you get it off the street until all of you decide how to handle the situation? Can someone else take your DS to school on that 1 day?

You may think you know how flexible Joe's schedule is but likely things are not as straightforward as they appear.

 

[buzzlady]

Call a taxi for the dr. appt.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

If the car is not registered or insured, call the police and they will tow and impound it.

As for the other issue, just a paragraph before you said that if your brother asked you to do anything for Mike you would. Now he has asked you, and you won't. Let me tell you, taking care of a chronicially ill family member is no walk in the park. Your brother has had to rearrange his schedule many many times I am sure, and now you won't do it even once?

Why can't you child take the bus or get ar ride with a friend? Why can't you take ONE day off from work for your brother?

Why can't my 5 year old take a bus?? Umm... there isn't any bus. The only way for him to go to school is for me to drive him. If I didn't have a work meeting, I would have asked my mil if she could. But since I do have a meeting, a meeting that only occurs once a month, I need to be at that meeting. If I don't work, I don't get paid. I need the money I am bringing in. My dh was unemployed about 3 years out of the past 5 years. We almost lost our house in December. We were one month away from having to put it on the market, and move away from all of our families. I want to pay down our debts, and pay our current bills. I only work about 50 - 60 hours a month, I need all of those hours. I love my brothers, but my DH and kids come first, and always will. I have done it for him in the past. I went into Brooklyn to take him grocery shopping. Joe said it would take 1 hour at the store. Well it took way over 1 hour at the store, and I just made it home to get my DD off the bus, and pick up my 5 year old at school.

 

[Christine]

Just based on your post, honestly, I have to say that you aren't really pulling your weight here and I sort of feel for your brother "Joe." Yes, you have 4 children, but two of them are adults that could also likely help out. If not with "Mike" then with taking your 5 year old to school or something.

Unfortunately, caring for a sick family member is never "convenient." I really feel that you are need to going to have to help "Joe" out. Owning your own business does not mean that you are eating bon-bons all day. In all likelihood, Joe is probably way busier than you are and he has other people that depend on him to be somewhere.

I can see why your brother is annoyed and, if you don't want to lose your relationship with him, I think you are going to have to find a way to help out more. I know it's not "fair" but it's what you have to do if you want to have a good conscience.

 

[AuntieM03]

I would remind your brother that your husband does not want the car parked, and if that doesn't work have it towed. Can you reschedule your brothers appointment?

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

Call the police and tell them there is a car parked illegally in front of your house!

If your brother Joe has so much flexibility and your son works for him, can your son have the same flexibility and take Mike to the doctor on Thursday? Why does it have to be just you and Joe if there are other family members around?

Sure, my brother can have my son drive his uncle for the doctors appointment. He didn't ask me son, he asked me.

THere is me, Mike, Joe, Joe's wife (who doesn't work), and me. We have a cousin in the area but he works very long hours, and there is his wife. The cousin did offer to help money wise with some issues last year, but Joe said no.

If Joe won't move the car back, I am going to tell him that the car will be impounded. That is my last choice, I don't want to do that. The car needs to be sold. Mike is never going to drive it again. He will probably never get out of the nursing home again, unless they move him to assisted living instead. He cannot be on his own.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

If Mike cannot drive sell his car. It sounds like he needs the money for an apartment and care more than a car. Good luck and pixie dust to your family!

Mike will either be in a nursing home, or assisted living for the rest of his life. He can't live on his own. We are waiting to hear from the state, they are the ones that make the final decision, about his care.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

My advice would be to get with Joe and figure out how to sell or donate it.

I have said this, and so has Joe's wife. I don't know why Joe won't sell it. I have been away from Friday till yesterday, so I haven't had a chance to talk to Joe.

 

[Laura]

I don't think you have any obligation to Joe or to Mike, nor do they have an obligation to you. Maybe this sounds mean, but you and Joe have families, jobs and lives and Mike isn't your responsibility. I'm sure Joe's business is harder on him than it may seem to you, but that doesn't mean he can expect you to take up the slack. You say you help when you can, you have an important meeting that morning, and all that is understandable. Your main responsibility is to your husband and kids. They should come first.

So I say continue to do what you have been doing with respect to Mike's care, get the car towed or sold and don't worry.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

Wow! Your brother has gone way above and beyond and I cannot believe you are complaining about the very little he needs you to help w/.
BTW, when you own your own business you cannot "come and go as you please" - you are responsible for other people's livlihood - including your own sons for God's sake.
And for the car - it is just in front of your house and you have a problem w/ that too even though it does not even inconveniece you
Unbelieveable.

Yes, my brother has gone above and beyond. He has the ability to do so. He can afford too. He can drop his men off at a job site, and they do the work. Certain jobs he needs to be at, but he is very flexible in what he can do. I need to be certain places at certain times for my 5 year old, and my 10 year old. Last year my son was 4 and was in school for only a few hours. He was also too young to go into the hospital, so yes, I was and am not in a position to do what my other brother has done. I also appreicate what he has doen, and thanked him, soemthing even Mike has never done. I got my borther into the nursing home he is in.

Yes the car, which is illegal is in front of my house, and we can get fined for it. My DH wants it gone. It isn't incovenience. It is illegal, which is why he doesn't want it in front of his house. It is incovnient for his wife, cause she needs her camper in her driveway.

 

[phillybeth]

If I don't work, I don't get paid.

Join the club

And I am supposed to be psychic and know there is no schoolbus? Couldn't one of your older kids take him, or couldn't he catch a ride with a friend?

Couldn't YOU call the doctor and reschedule the appointment? Can't the nursing home arrange transportation for him? He can't be the only resident who doesn't drive. Most have shuttles or will call cabs for residents who have appointments.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

Call a taxi for the dr. appt.

He can't go by taxi, he would need an ambulance, and since he doesn't have his NJ medicaid number yet it would cost $500.00. That is money I can't afford, and money Joe isn't willing to spend and I don't blame him.

 

[AuntieM03]

I don't think you have any obligation to Joe or to Mike, nor do they have an obligation to you. Maybe this sounds mean, but you and Joe have families, jobs and lives and Mike isn't your responsibility. I'm sure Joe's business is harder on him than it may seem to you, but that doesn't mean he can expect you to take up the slack. You say you help when you can, you have an important meeting that morning, and all that is understandable. Your main responsibility is to your husband and kids. They should come first.

So I say continue to do what you have been doing with respect to Mike's care, get the car towed or sold and don't worry.

While this is definitely true she took some of the responsibility when she told Joe she would help out. We all have choice. Joe chooses to take responsibility. You have every right to make the choice not to. However, I would be honest with Joe and say you don't wish to have any responsibility for Mike.

 

[Chicago526]

I agree with the OP about the car, it can get them into trouble with the city. I'd approach the brothers about selling it, since it sounds like Mike won't be able to drive it for quite awhile anyway. He can buy another car if/when he's able to drive again.

As for the apointment, if you can't miss work, you can't. Can the apointment be rescheduled to a time that is more convienant so you can take him?

Joe is doing a lot of the heavy lifting, but if the OP is helping to the best of her ability, then there is not much more she can do.