Advice needed please

[Buckalew11]

First day back... Business as usual. Whatever. It's hard not being bitter. And they knew what I meant by not doing anything. I told them not to spend money. Not to buy flowers or food because they can't afford it. When you work with the same 5 people day in and day out they do become a part of your life. My brother works at a fire dept. There must have been 25 of them there. People came out of the wood work for the service. It's just a shame. Well, it's just a job, I'll go there, do my work and go home. Nothing more nothing less.

I'm sure this made the hurt worse--to see that many friends of your brother who were his co-workers and you had none. I just don't think you should compare the two though. My DH is a FF and FF are tight. You know, the "brotherhood" and all that. We've had fellow FF show up for events in our lives that you'd never dream anyone would come to!
More hugs to you. I hope the hurt lessens over time.

 

[torinsmom]

If you are going to continue to work there, you might have a little talk with the others after work one day soon. If this is bothering you so much(as it obviously is), please let them know. It will make you feel better and let them in on the fact that you are hurt. Then you can all get past it and move on. They probably think they are helping you by keeping things business as usual, to keep your mind off your mom's passing.

I am one of those people that does not know what to do or say when something sad like this happens. I would probably go to the visitation and not the funeral. That would be if I was close to the co-worker outside work. Otherwise, I would send a card expressing my condolences. We have done that for six coworkers family members this school year(it has been a rough year)

For me, funerals are just too much unless it is close family of MINE. I also have a hard time expressing my condolences face to face, because I know that I will start crying and then that person will cry and then I don't feel like I did them any good at all. I just think that I wouldn't want someone to talk about it and bring it back up again.

I'm sorry about your mom

Marsha

 

[JessicaR]

Tracy, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom.
I understand your feelings and they are justified. I would imagine it will be difficult for a while to be at work. I really hope you are able to get to a place where it doesn't hurt so much when you see them all.

 

[ols386]

You're right. As someone said funerals are for the living not the dead. And we were all touched and amazed by the showing at the service. It really does mean alot. I think we all cringe at going to them. It's not a barrel of laughs, but it's part of life. And it means so much. I was dreading the wake. I thought I'd cry thru the whole thing. But people kept telling me there personal stories about my Mom and it was really nice. Nice to see how many people really loved her.

Awww, that's very sweet.

 

[DizBelle]

Different strokes for different folks....

Some people go to every funeral they hear of whether they ever laid eyes on the deceased or not.
Some people don't go to any funerals and won't unless it is their own.
Some people want the whole world to descend upon them when their loved one dies and believe that is the way it should be.
Some people don't want anybody around when their loved one dies except those that they are extremely close to.
And then there are the infinite number of possibilities in between these.
There is no "right" or "wrong".

I would never hold it against someone for dealing with death in whatever way they deal with it. If people aren't comfortable with attending a wake or funeral (for whatever reason), I would NEVER hold it against them for not attending. I would never tell someone that they should just suck it up and attend because that's what I want.

I don't know about you but I don't get paid time off of work to go to a co-worker's parent's wake and/or funeral. I certainly wouldn't expect my co-workers to use their vacation time to attend my parent's wake/funeral whether they were acquainted with them or not.

The only people I think might attend (and I still don't think they HAVE to attend) are those that had a personal relationship with the deceased. If they only knew her because she came into the salon as a client, that is not a personal relationship.

If they expressed their sympathy either through a card or verbally, that should be enough.

 

[JessicaR]

Different strokes for different folks....

Some people go to every funeral they hear of whether they ever laid eyes on the deceased or not.
Some people don't go to any funerals and won't unless it is their own.
Some people want the whole world to descend upon them when their loved one dies and believe that is the way it should be.
Some people don't want anybody around when their loved one dies except those that they are extremely close to.
And then there are the infinite number of possibilities in between these.
There is no "right" or "wrong".

I would never hold it against someone for dealing with death in whatever way they deal with it. If people aren't comfortable with attending a wake or funeral (for whatever reason), I would NEVER hold it against them for not attending. I would never tell someone that they should just suck it up and attend because that's what I want.

I don't know about you but I don't get paid time off of work to go to a co-worker's parent's wake and/or funeral. I certainly wouldn't expect my co-workers to use their vacation time to attend my parent's wake/funeral whether they were acquainted with them or not.

The only people I think might attend (and I still don't think they HAVE to attend) are those that had a personal relationship with the deceased. If they only knew her because she came into the salon as a client, that is not a personal relationship.

If they expressed their sympathy either through a card or verbally, that should be enough.

Aside from being there to honor the person that is deceased people attend wakes to offer support to the bereaved.

It is a very personal matter whether to attend or not. Acknowledgement through a card or even a mere mention that you are sorry shows support and is not too much to hope for from people you work with daily for years.

 

[disykat]

The visitation is the "public" part and the funeral is more family. So now you don't have to be confused anymore.

Okay - I guess I'll take your word for it. It would have been more helpful to me if you'd explain why though.

I guess it's a good thing this "visitation" doesn't really happen here because I clearly don't even know what it is.

 

[HM]

So sorry for your loss.

You said you cried at work a lot. I wonder whether it made your coworkers uncomfortable. Maybe they really didn't know how to handle your situation.

In any case, I think, because it's bothering you so much, you should tell them that you were hurt that not one of them came to the funeral and why. I think you will feel better to get it off your chest. They may feel worse and your relationships with them may be different....but it already different is, isn't it? Get it out in the open, let them explain or not, but let them know how you feel.

Good luck.

 

[DizBelle]

Okay - I guess I'll take your word for it. It would have been more helpful to me if you'd explain why though.

I guess it's a good thing this "visitation" doesn't really happen here because I clearly don't even know what it is.

Visitation - the deceased is on display (open casket type of thing unless the type of death makes this unsuitable) and the family hangs out for HOURS (usually 3-4 hours or more) in a room with the deceased and friends/family come and go during the hours of the visitation to grieve/cry/eat/talk.

I can certainly understand if there are folks that are uncomfortable attending the visitation.

This is different from the funeral which is a ceremonial type of thing with speeches/readings and usually ending with a procession to the cemetery where there is a burial ceremony.

 

[Tracy Savage]

Different strokes for different folks....

Some people go to every funeral they hear of whether they ever laid eyes on the deceased or not.
Some people don't go to any funerals and won't unless it is their own.
Some people want the whole world to descend upon them when their loved one dies and believe that is the way it should be.
Some people don't want anybody around when their loved one dies except those that they are extremely close to.
And then there are the infinite number of possibilities in between these.
There is no "right" or "wrong".

I would never hold it against someone for dealing with death in whatever way they deal with it. If people aren't comfortable with attending a wake or funeral (for whatever reason), I would NEVER hold it against them for not attending. I would never tell someone that they should just suck it up and attend because that's what I want.

I don't know about you but I don't get paid time off of work to go to a co-worker's parent's wake and/or funeral. I certainly wouldn't expect my co-workers to use their vacation time to attend my parent's wake/funeral whether they were acquainted with them or not.

The only people I think might attend (and I still don't think they HAVE to attend) are those that had a personal relationship with the deceased. If they only knew her because she came into the salon as a client, that is not a personal relationship.

If they expressed their sympathy either through a card or verbally, that should be enough.

I don't know what to say. But no, I didn't expect anyone to miss work, and they wouldn't have had too. And yes they did know my Mom, and they know me. And to me, losing my Mom was like losing my soul, and they knew the pain I was in. I guess I just hoped for their support. We have been supportive of each other in many ways, so this just shocks me.

 

[DizBelle]

I don't know what to say. But no, I didn't expect anyone to miss work, and they wouldn't have had too. And yes they did know my Mom, and they know me. And to me, losing my Mom was like losing my soul, and they knew the pain I was in. I guess I just hoped for their support. We have been supportive of each other in many ways, so this just shocks me.

So they didn't even acknowledge her death or mention they were sorry for your loss?

 

[MushyMushy]

I'm so sorry, both for your loss and the insensitivity of your coworkers. Of course you're hurt and I don't blame you. When I was younger, I wouldn't have known any better, but at their age, yes, they should have known to come support you.

How about this one? My own MIL didn't do ANYthing when my mother died. Didn't come, didn't call, didn't send a card -- nothing. My mother was nothing but friendly to them. She sent Christmas cards every year we were married even though MIL never sent one back. I still haven't forgiven her. And she's done nothing to make it right, so why should I?

 

[Tracy Savage]

My boss called the night she died and asked how I was doing. Thats when I told her not to spend money. She asked me to let her know when the services were. When we planned things, I let them know. Was I really expecting to much? I'm begining to wonder now.

 

[Tracy Savage]

I'm so sorry, both for your loss and the insensitivity of your coworkers. Of course you're hurt and I don't blame you. When I was younger, I wouldn't have known any better, but at their age, yes, they should have known to come support you.

How about this one? My own MIL didn't do ANYthing when my mother died. Didn't come, didn't call, didn't send a card -- nothing. My mother was nothing but friendly to them. She sent Christmas cards every year we were married even though MIL never sent one back. I still haven't forgiven her. And she's done nothing to make it right, so why should I?

Nice lady. Whats up with that? Sorry.

 

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad last year and know your pain. I think your feelings are justified, but don't give your coworkers too much space in your head. Just not worth it and they don't deserve it.

I was extremely upset and quite frankly very angry that only one of my DHs 4 siblings showed up at my dads wake. The others never even acknowledged his death. It just shows lack of class on their part. On the other hand, the amount of friends from years ago that showed up more than made up for it. I realized the true meaning in that you can pick your friends, not your relatives.

I hope each passing day gets easier. It will never get "better" just different.

 

[Bluestars]

My boss called the night she died and asked how I was doing. Thats when I told her not to spend money. She asked me to let her know when the services were. When we planned things, I let them know. Was I really expecting to much? I'm begining to wonder now.

I wonder if she misinterpreted your request to not spend money as implying that you would prefer they not go to the service. I don't know of any other reason why not one of them would go to the service.

I'm sorry about your mother. I'm sure their presence at the service would have meant a lot to you.

 

[Tracy Savage]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad last year and know your pain. I think your feelings are justified, but don't give your coworkers too much space in your head. Just not worth it and they don't deserve it.

I was extremely upset and quite frankly very angry that only one of my DHs 4 siblings showed up at my dads wake. The others never even acknowledged his death. It just shows lack of class on their part. On the other hand, the amount of friends from years ago that showed up more than made up for it. I realized the true meaning in that you can pick your friends, not your relatives.

I hope each passing day gets easier. It will never get "better" just different.

Sorry about your Dad. You are right about the friends that did show up though. It was a wonderful thing.

 

[wilderness01]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tracy Savage
My boss called the night she died and asked how I was doing. Thats when I told her not to spend money. She asked me to let her know when the services were. When we planned things, I let them know. Was I really expecting to much? I'm begining to wonder now.

I wonder if she misinterpreted your request to not spend money as implying that you would prefer they not go to the service. I don't know of any other reason why not one of them would go to the service.

I'm sorry about your mother. I'm sure their presence at the service would have meant a lot to you.

I don't think she misinterpreted anything if the boss asked to be notified of when the services were.

In my opinion, her coworkers were not sensitive to her feelings. No one likes going to a wake, but you go for the living and to pay your respects to the deceased.

OP, you are not expecting too much. I think your coworkers were insensitive and now "you know" what kind of relationship you really have. Don't waste too much time on trying to figure out your coworkers, and focus on healing yourself little by little.

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[Tracy Savage]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tracy Savage
My boss called the night she died and asked how I was doing. Thats when I told her not to spend money. She asked me to let her know when the services were. When we planned things, I let them know. Was I really expecting to much? I'm begining to wonder now.

I wonder if she misinterpreted your request to not spend money as implying that you would prefer they not go to the service. I don't know of any other reason why not one of them would go to the service.

I'm sorry about your mother. I'm sure their presence at the service would have meant a lot to you.

I don't think she misinterpreted anything if the boss asked to be notified of when the services were.

In my opinion, her coworkers were not sensitive to her feelings. No one likes going to a wake, but you go for the living and to pay your respects to the deceased.

OP, you are not expecting too much. I think your coworkers were insensitive and now "you know" what kind of relationship you really have. Don't waste too much time on trying to figure out your coworkers, and focus on healing yourself little by little.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Thanks and I think you hit the nail on the head. I will try my best!