Advice needed! How to politely decline a terrible gift?

[Rawr]

I was talking to some members of my fiance's family today, and several members said that there was a 100% likelihood that his grandmother (who is very very Christian) would buy us a Bible as a wedding gift.

Well, that's good and all, but I find it to be an extremely rude gesture for a religious Jewish couple... especially since the gift will be given after a Jewish wedding ceremony. My fiance has always been Jewish, regularly wears a star of David pendant around his neck, and, of course, everyone (including his grandmother) knows that he is a religious Jew.

I told his family members (all of whom I know quite well) that I found it very hard to believe that she would seriously buy a Jewish couple a Bible (I mean, a Tanakh would make a nice gift for us) for a wedding gift. They rejected my disbelief and said that it was definitely going to happen. She gave a Bible to my fiance's sister when she got married (but they were Mormon, sort of, so that really doesn't strike me as being strange or inappropriate).

I would definitely not accept such a gift, but how do I politely decline the gift if it does happen? I don't want a Bible and would be offended to receive a Bible on my wedding day from someone who should know better than to make such a gesture (you know, like our religion isn't good enough or something - she has made comments like that in the past)! How do I avoid this situation?

 

[chesterpdt186]

Well you could always shove it in your attic.

Giving it back will make you look rude and best just to say thank you for the book (not bible) and pretty much ignore the event has happened.

The bible is just a book to those not in the faith. Treat it as such. Not as a invasion of your faith, even thou that sounds to be the point.

I wish you well on your wedding =)

 

[turkeymama]

Are you planning on opening gifts at the wedding? If not, this may not be nearly as difficult. It would be much easier to return a gift to the giver (along with an explanation) after the wedding when there aren't dozens of other guests watching and listening.

Since it is his granny, I would be more likely to let him handle it. He knows her best and how she will react.

Just out of curiosity, what do you hope to accomplish by declining the gift? She already knows you are Jewish. I'm just wondering if putting granny in her place is the best way to officially kick off your relationship with the in-laws. Because I'd be willing to bet that no matter which way you declined the Bible, she will still feel slighted (whether she should or not). I do totally agree with you that it isn't exactly an appropriate gift. Who knows what she is thinking?

On second thought, maybe you and your fiancee could sit down and chat with her. Explain that you understand she gave his sister a Bible as a wedding gift. Then you could mention the Tanakh and explain to her how that compares to her Bible. Maybe she would get the hint?

 

[Rawr]

She is sort of in denial about our faith and that anyone could possibly not be Christian. It's very difficult to have a relationship at all with someone who constantly pushes Christianity in your face and belittles your own beliefs. The Bible at the wedding would really just make me snap.

She already gives us Bibles for birthdays and Hannukah (yes.. she gives us Bibles as Hannukah presents! Ack!), really, I just don't want to deal with the Bibles anymore. In my mind, there is a big difference between little holidays and a wedding; I think it's more important for her to at least pretend to be respectful of our views on our wedding day (even if she goes back to mailing us Bibles for our birthdays). Really, the goal is to get her to understand that she needs to be respectful of our views just as we are respectful of hers.

 

[tiggerrifficheidi]

You're upset that she's trying to force her opinions on you, but by publicly declining the gift, you're trying to force her to behave by your standards for gift giving. I'm not saying she's not "generally" out of line, but put it in perspective.

My DH and I are Christian, but his mom is a converted Jew. She gave him a kippah once and has made other "Jewish" overtures...not a big deal to us at all. That's what she believes. She wants to share what she believes with those she loves. We love her back. That's where grace comes in.

Good marital advice: you deal with your family; he deals with his. If it bothers him as much...HE should talk to his grandmother about it. You shouldn't start out your marriage by defending him to his family. Sure, it's your wedding gift, too, but honestly, she wouldn't be giving it if you weren't marrying HIM.

 

[29apr00]

Agree 100% with Heidi!! It is HIS grandmother and he should deal with any of the gifts she gives.

However, as a rule, you DON'T reject a gift given by anyone. You are not allowed to tell your guests what they can give you, and you are not allowed to tell them what they can not give you. You may not like or approve of the gift, but as a gracious host/bride, you smile, accept the gift, say Thank You, and put it away in the attic. If Grandma gives bibles out to everyone in the family for birthday's and hannuka and such, then refusing the book is only going to cause major problems in your relationship.

 

[Chilly]

I think you'll just cause yourself more upset if you have a row on your wedding day. Are you having a gift table?

 

[hiwaygal]

To put it bluntly, there is no way to "politely" decline a gift of any kind. Gifts are generally given out of love and from the heart of the gift giver.

Whether or not the gift is "terrible" is subjective...beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that.

Accept the gift graciously and either put it away in an attic or donate it to a church/library.

 

[CoP Luv]

I would just donate it. Give it to a Church or Christian/Catholic school so that someone who actually might have a use for it could do so.

By rejecting it, you would just open a whole lot of family drama. Not a good way to start a marriage.

 

[Ember]

Just say "thank you for the book" and move on. Yes, it's a rude gesture on granny's part. But two wrongs don't make a right. There is no way to politely decline a gift like this.

I am sorry someone is trying to shove religion down your throats. As a non-religious person, I know how irritating that can be.

 

[Sarah <3 Disney]

I would just donate it. Give it to a Church or Christian/Catholic school so that someone who actually might have a use for it could do so.

By rejecting it, you would just open a whole lot of family drama. Not a good way to start a marriage.

That is what I was going to say.

 

[mermaidbride1108]

I agree with Ember, two wrongs don't make a right.

While I completely agree in your situation, my opinion is that it is extremely rude to give the Bible to a Jewish couple on their wedding day. People do some crazy things to shove their views down other people's throats.

That being said, even though she is in the wrong, you are the one that will end up looking in the wrong by returning her gift, not her. Your wedding day really doesn't sound like a good time to stand up to an overbearing relative.

My suggestion - iron-it out beforehand. If it's THAT offensive to you, which I can understand that it could be, prepare her for it. Say to her that you realize that her gift of choice for holidays & birthdays is a bible, but that you would be disappointed in her if she did not respect your beliefs on your wedding day.

If she does come with the bible on the big day (which she might depending on the type of person she is, giving her a talking-to beforehand might incite her even more just keep it in mind) accept, but do not open it there. And then never acknowledge what it is - say thank you for the gift and that's it.

I might not be the one to give out the best advice, we recently hand a ton of problems with DF's family and his Mom & Sister - they now aren't coming to the wedding.

So I guess my big piece of advice - keep your DF's happiness in mind whether they are wrong or right. DF's Mom & Sister were completely wrong & hurtful to us, but DF is the one paying for it because they aren't coming to the wedding. So while she may be completely wrong, you may just have to suck it up for your DF because bottom-line whether she is wrong, she's still his Grandmother.

 

[rie'smom]

Donate it. You don't want to start your marriage on the wrong foot with his family.

 

[ElleBren]

I mean does it really matter? Yes his grandmother is being quite annoying by possibly giving you this gift but people give terrible gifts all the time. You can't take it personal. If you have a strong religious belief it shouldn't matter what book she gives you. She isn't forcing you to read it, treat it like any other book.

Just accept the book and move on. Put it in a box, donate it, or chuck it. Obviously the last choice is if it isn't a family bible that has been passed down, if thats the case you should keep it where it won't get hurt.

Also, and my religious knowledge is really small, since I am not very religious at all so please don't think I am just being rude, Isn't Judaism based on the Old Testament? I can totally be wrong, as I know very very little on the subject.

I agree with PP that you should let him deal with his family and you deal with yours. My MIL is not the greatest gift giver, for that matter his brothers too. However I would never decline a gift from them, no matter what it was. I just have a box in our office where I put the gifts.

This is just the beginning. You don't want to alienate his family from the start. Just don't let it rub you the wrong way, someday you can look back and laugh about it.

 

[PrincessShea]

I agree with everyone else. You are making a mountain out of a molehill. Take it, say thanks, and throw it away.

 

[Disnsyncey]

wow, she's already given you a bible AND she's giving you another one? That's just weird in the sense of any present!!

But yeah, I agree, I would donate it to somebody who would use it.....

 

[a1tinkfans]

She is sort of in denial about our faith and that anyone could possibly not be Christian. It's very difficult to have a relationship at all with someone who constantly pushes Christianity in your face and belittles your own beliefs. The Bible at the wedding would really just make me snap.

She already gives us Bibles for birthdays and Hannukah (yes.. she gives us Bibles as Hannukah presents! Ack!), really, I just don't want to deal with the Bibles anymore. In my mind, there is a big difference between little holidays and a wedding; I think it's more important for her to at least pretend to be respectful of our views on our wedding day (even if she goes back to mailing us Bibles for our birthdays). Really, the goal is to get her to understand that she needs to be respectful of our views just as we are respectful of hers.

A gift is just that, a gift. She has obviously done this before, you know it, she knows it.....so why let it even enter your mindset for your special day???
I assume you will open gifts in private as is custom, so take the gift and do with it as you wish, give it away, donate it, re-gift it, but why start "drama" or a scene with the woman, just makes no sense as nothing will change except the likelihood that YOU"LL be branded as the ungrateful/not understanding of grandma "one"
That just does not seem to be worth it....
Congratulations on your upcoming celebration............don't let a gift you "might" get rile you, it is not worth it.....

 

[JandJ]

I completely agree with everyone who is saying to be gracious, say thanks, and donate it or throw it away. As someone who has been married for nearly 4 years, believe me, you will continuously get silly or "wrong" gifts from your in-laws. DH and I are not religious at all and have never made that a secret, but we get religious inspired gifts from some members of his family every year. So what? You know what you believe, granny knows what she believes, you'll never convince each other to understand, so just let it go.

 

[MegKate]

In the words of the Beatles - Let it Be. I don't think the problem here is necessarily the gift, but what that gift represents. Just let the drama go. If there is a Christian part to DF's family, keep those bibles handy. They can always be regifted for Baptisms and other weddings!

 

[Rawr]

I can't say this advice has really helped me much.. Lol. Oh well, I'll figure something else out. Thanks to those who tried though.