Advice needed dividing estate property tomorrow!

[Cindy B]

It looks like tomorrow will be the day.

My MIL passed away in September. Her house has now sold, and tomorrow everyone will come in to descend on her property.

Since there are five natural siblings (my DH and his siblings), two SIL's (myself and another), plus some grandchildren.

We know there are some conflicts regarding furniture (we would like a set, and some others want the same set.)

We have a list of priorities . (1st, 2nd 3rd choice). We have a typed list of what we would like. We are willing to compromise on some things, but not others.

I know this can be an ugly situation, and I want it to be as harmonious as possible.

Any advice?

 

[dianeschlicht]

Do it in rounds by age. The oldest choses first, and so on. You would need some ground rules. The first round would be for the bigger stuff etc.

 

[Brer_Papa]

After Mom passed....I was the Executor of her will. At the time, there were 11 siblngs, myself included.

An appraisal had been done prior to the event of everythingthat Mom did not outline in the will.

The way I handled those items not included in the will was to remind all the siblings at the outset my intentions were to be as monetarily fair as i could and keep it as equal as possible.

I told them that it would seem fair to start with the oldest sibling and let her choose something first. Then the next oldest then the next. Once the yongest had her turn, the youngest would choose again and we woud work our way back up to the oldest.

I asked for discussion and or objection...this procedure was given the green light by all.

I kept track of what was chosen and by whom plus the appraisal value.

It seemed like they kept themselves in check. There were no arguments afterwards.

This worked for us....I can't say it would for everybody

Good luck and best wishes on your endeavor...

 

[Brer_Papa]

We got to a point where there were items not chosen and nobody wanted.

With agreement, some items were given to Goodwill...some were ebayed and the cash split 11 ways....some stuff, I called each on and said come and get it or I'm tossing it...

 

[we3luvdisney]

I may be out of line, but I think only the natural siblings should be at the home, dividing the estate. Leave the kids and spouses at home.

 

[RitaZ.]

Cindy, good luck tomorrow. These things have a way of bringing out the worst in some people. You have good intentions, but some of the others may not be interested in fairness.

My SIL was the executor of my MIL's estate. SIL and DH are the only siblings. She took everything of value shortly after my MIL was buried, she rented a truck. I never went to MIL's house to look or get anything, I didn't get along with her. DH was only interested in items that had special meaning to him, nothing else. When it came time to split the painting collection, my MIL was a professional artist, DH decided to toss a coin for each painting. My DH ended up taking paintings of people that we don't even know to make his sister happy, she didn't want those paintings. The only thing that SIL couldn't control was the $, as it was to be split 50/50 according to the will.

I hope it all goes well tomorrow.

 

[Cindy B]

I asked if only the five siblings should be there, and the overwhelming response was to have everyone there! (There are some child things there, as well as the men want input from the spouses)

See, if they go by age, my husband is the youngest and will be at a disadvantage. When they picked out jewelry years ago, he was the last to go, and got last pick then.

He has already talked to the executor (my BIL) about the furniture. I know my BIL has talked the other BIL about the furniture as well.

We have done a thorough cleaning/clearing out back in October. What remains are beds, dressers, furniture, table/chairs, one 35 inch tv and garage items. The car was sold months ago. The car was offered up to anyone, and no one took it.

 

[we3luvdisney]

I agree with Brer_Papa --- The oldest chooses first and works down to the youngest. After the youngest chooses then he/she gets to choose again and works it way back to the oldest.

example:

Bob - oldest
Jane - middle
John - youngest

John - youngest
Jane - middle
Bob- oldest

Bob - oldest
Jane - middle
John - youngest

so on ......

 

[evilqueenfan]

Since your DH has already had the disadvantage of choosing last with the jewelry, possibly everyone would consider drawing the picking order out of a hat? Then the youngest children are not penalized b/c they were born last.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Why does the middle child never get to be first?

My condolensces Cindy_B. These things are always difficult. I hope it goes well for you.

 

[ByTheSea]

Hopefully everything goes smoothly, I don't envy you.

I agree with the idea of drawing out of a hat.

If there are 5 maybe you can predefine the select order in advance, then everyone draw a number.

Round 1: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
Round 2: 5 - 4 - 3- 2 - 1
Round 3: 3 - 2 - 4 - 5 - 1 or something like that, mix it up a bit....


but then as a youngest child who has been involved in the "oldest first" process before, I'm biased.

 

[AirForceRocks]

These type of situations often seem to bring out the worst in people, unfortunately. I would agree that choosing the order from a hat would be more fair than going by birth order.

My in-laws just put in writing who is to get what. Each of the males (sons/SIL) chose an item from the home, and each of the females (daughters/DIL) chose one piece or matched set of jewelry. We also chose one item for each of our children to have. Those items, as well as items that belonged to my DH's birth mother, which will go to him, were written explicitly into the will. Everything else goes onto the block, with family members having the first option to buy the items at the appraised cost. Then the money will be divided according to the terms of the will.

I think that people don't realize how nasty things can get when it comes to dividing an estate. I'm a big advocate of planning ahead and putting as much as possible in writing. I would hate to think that my kids would someday be fighting over who gets what and what is or isn't fair.

Good luck tomorrow...

 

[kadaten]

My in-laws just put in writing who is to get what. Each of the males (sons/SIL) chose an item from the home, and each of the females (daughters/DIL) chose one piece or matched set of jewelry. We also chose one item for each of our children to have. Those items, as well as items that belonged to my DH's birth mother, which will go to him, were written explicitly into the will. Everything else goes onto the block, with family members having the first option to buy the items at the appraised cost. Then the money will be divided according to the terms of the will.

I think that people don't realize how nasty things can get when it comes to dividing an estate. I'm a big advocate of planning ahead and putting as much as possible in writing. I would hate to think that my kids would someday be fighting over who gets what and what is or isn't fair.

Good luck tomorrow...

I totally agree with this! I used to work for an estate sale company and things could get really ugly! Several times we were called in by a bank executor who was tired of fighting with all the siblings. We priced everything like it was supposed to be at a normal sale. Family got to come in the day before the sale opened. If they wanted something, they had to pay the marked price for it. Sale went on the following 2 days as usual...open to the public. All funds were then divided among the family as indicated in the will for the rest of the cash.... but when it had to be set up this way due to constant fighting, it was ugly and the family members at time weren't even speaking when they were at the sale together. So sad....

I know it's too late for your situation, but it's really easier if this is spelled out ahead of time in the will. You can always make allowances for really special things....list those items separately...but do keep the family out of the bickering and spell it all out beforenand!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My dh's stepmom family did something that was totally cool. It was however very involved and also they had agreed to it.

They had things appraised and labeled with a $$$ figure. They made "bids" on the item they wanted kinda of like a silent auction. There were many antiques and EVERYBODY wanted things.
For example my stepMIL gave us a bookcase they she "bought" out of the cash of the $$$ inheiritance.

Now I have gone through this with my family and it wsn't pretty. Bad feelings to this day.

My advice would be to come up with a plan that everyone agrees to.

 

[ByTheSea]

the KEY is to make sure it's in the will.

My Grandma made her wishes clear, she even put various grandchildren's names of the back or underneath of all her furnishings and artwork, even kept her jewerly in envelops with names, for years before she got ill and passed away. On her death bed she was adament to tell everyone to look for the names. She wanted to leave the more valuable belongings to those grandchildren who had less.... and leave things that had more memory value than financial value to those who were wealthy...... although she told all her children, and all grandchildren who visited in her final days that was what she wanted, when it came down to it, it wasn't in her will. Some of those who were slated to receive less valuable items were not happy with the arrangement and in the end, they put everything up for auction, if you wanted it, you had to buy it and compete against all the antique dealers, etc. Personally, for me I didn't really want what Grandma wanted to give me and I was able to purchase items I wanted, but for one cousin, who probably visited my Grandma about 10 times more than anyone else, and who didnt' have much, she was suppose to get the China Cabinet that sold at auction for over $3000, well out of her price range. It broke my heart that some people felt it was more "fair" to do it their way, those who could afford items could take them home, the opposite of what Grandma's wishes were.

 

[Blondie]

What a friend of mine did was kind of like a pollyanna. The items were listed and put into a hat. Then one by one everyone got to pick from the hat. They could either keep what they got, or exhange it with another family member. It seemed to keep the peace.

 

[AirForceRocks]

Yes, it needs to be in the will. DH's maternal great grandmother had a pair of diamond earrings, 1 carat each, and she had told DH and his brother all their lives that each of them was to get one earring so that they could have an engagment ring made for their future wives. It was written in a notebook that she kept, basically a list of who was to get what.

But it wasn't in the will, so when she passed away, you can pretty much guess what happened...

 

[danacara]

Airforcerocks: Is your BIL's wife wearing a gorgeous two-carat engagement ring?

 

[AirForceRocks]

Originally posted by danacara
Airforcerocks: Is your BIL's wife wearing a gorgeous two-carat engagement ring?

No, unfortunately my BIL committed suicide before he had a chance to have a fiancee. The diamond earrings were kept by the eldest daughter of the great-grandmother.

 

[MICKEY88]

Originally posted by we3luvdisney
I agree with Brer_Papa --- The oldest chooses first and works down to the youngest. After the youngest chooses then he/she gets to choose again and works it way back to the oldest.

example:

Bob - oldest
Jane - middle
John - youngest

John - youngest
Jane - middle
Bob- oldest

Bob - oldest
Jane - middle
John - youngest

so on ......

I agree with this method, and I would limit it to siblings,,adding spouses if must be,, but the more people involved after that, the greater the odds of fighting..