Advice Needed, anyone farmilar with Child Custody?

[2angelsinheaven]

Some of you know and some don't about our situation. My very close friend of many years has made some really bad choices in the past two years in relation to her children who are now 3yrs and 4yrs old. Off and on she has been into drugs, going out, smoking with preggers, left hubby while pregnant to move in with another guy, allowed DD as a newborn to sleep in a car seat till she was six months old, then had them sleeping in play pens till last year (when we got them beds), staying in bed all day, etc... overall neglect. I did see some good in her, I cant' say she didn't love her girls, she is just VERY lazy! The biggest one started back in October of 2002 when she met her now Boyfriend. After meeting him she went out everynight leaving the girls with their father any chance she could get, and eventually moved out of their house in May 2003 leaving him without power, or anything and taking the girls. He moved in with us. This lasted a week before she began to drop them off Sat night-Monday morning and Wednesday night-Friday Morning each weel. Then in November it turned into full time care of the girls as I took on taking care of them while she was in the hospital for two weeks. It was supposed to end in December however she never returned to pick them up, etc. Always an excuse. So the girls in turn moved in with us, we set up a room (took over their dad's room) and celebrated a wonderful Christmas together. The best these girls had ever had. They had turned from nervous, clingy, upset kids into happy ones again.
Well in Feb 04' the girls dad hired an attorney to complete the divorce and settle custody/visitation. Mom was still out of the picture. With a vist here and there, often "standing up" the girls when she promised to come by. Saw her maybe once a month. She did have a child in the NICU until April, however she still would not see the girls when she was at home, claim she was at the NICU when she was seen at Bike Week in Daytona, or at the movies or out drinking. Lost her house and started drugs again, became very addicted and lazy. Wrote letters saying she was not all there but we and her x where wonderful for the girls, etc. Not even a call a week. To boot she got food stamps by saying he left her and she had the kids... yikes! So A summons was sent to her two weeks later, which she never answered, she soon defaulted, and more notices where mailed, she never answered. Tuesday we went to court he was awarded Primary Residential Custody, with him being able to determine when and where she sees the girls. She has to pay child support, etc. Well she didn't flip when she found out, only cried. Called tonight and said she was getting two jobs, a studio apartment and a car ASAP. She was going to take him back to court to make sure she got visitation, etc. Now we are worried again, maybe for no reason though. He is scared. These girls DO NOT need to be with her full time. She can't even take care of herself. All along he has been more than flexible with her seeing the girls, it's she that never shows, etc. I've even brought them to her when she has asked. Allowed her into our home, etc. Invited her to b-day parties, etc. Now she wants to fight him because he has something in writting. She never wanted custody, I think it's a pride and money issue. Do we have anything to worry about, anyone gone through this. An absent parent who all of a sudden wants the kids?

 

[crazyforgoofy]

She may want them enough to work toward having them more or even getting part time custody or she may not. If she actually pays support and stays clean she will still have a lot to prove to a judge. My guess from her history she will talk about it but won't follow through. Are you (and dad) keeping written logs of what she says and what she actually does? It could be critical later on. Document everything!

 

[HappyMommy2]

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say that you are truly an angel to these children. God bless you.

 

[kilee]

This may sound harsh-- but a lot of time it's just the child support that makes them retaliate. My ex did that to me-- he could of given a hoot before that. He'd never call and show up every now and then to see DS (now 11). Anyhow, after a short battle--- he was very clear in what he wanted. He'd allow me to have full custody-- if I went after no child support. This was 10 years ago. Ironically he does see DS now (because I allow him to), and he does pay child support (on his own). So things worked out-- but it took many years between the 2 of us. Thankfully it wasn't drawn out in court. I was willing to give up the money for full custody.

Good luck-- these things are so hard.

 

[LuvTigger]

I suspect it depends a lot on the laws in your state and how strict (or lenient) the judge is. But I agree with the above posters...document EVERYTHING, no matter how small. If possible, get other people who have contact with her to document things too.

I also agree that it sounds like talk. I hate to sound cynical because I know people can change, but I seriously doubt she can change that quickly in that short a time.

My guess is that unless she can seriously prove that she has made changes and that the children will be in good hands with her, she doesn't have much of a chance. I don't have first hand experience, but I've heard of similar situations (except it's the husband acting that way), and the husband never got full custody. In one case, visitation was monitored and very limited.

Good luck, please keep us posted.

 

[Princess_Aurora]

I work in the divorce courts a lot. We see this in both mothers and fathers. She will not (or at least should not) get custody until she goes through a drug counseling program. Any visitation she gets will be supervised at first. They will work their way up from there.

More than likely, she will try to fight it at first, realize how hard it is and probably just lose interest.

 

[2angelsinheaven]

Thanks all, I know I am probably worrying over nothing but I am concerned. She has done things like this before, only smartened up enough to get what she wants, etc and then is back to her old ways. I love those girls so much and don't want them to suffer anymore. Their dad is so lax with her, I'm glad to see him finally put his foot down. It pains me even more because I would love to have children of my own and can't and can't comprehend how someone could do such a thing.
I also think it is a money issue. She only started crying on the phone when he informed her of the mear $314.00 a month she will be paying, and even then he told her if she shaped up and didn't play games, etc... took an interest in their lifes he didn't even want that... this was about the kids, not money, but the opposite for her I think.
She can fight but I don't think she will win. I don't think she can afford to fight or will last through a custody battle. The girls are in good hands and it's my understanding that given the fact she defaulted and didn't show, she can't appeal, only ask for modification and only with good reason (ie; dad were to become unable to care for kids, or she shaped up ALOT and wanted more visitation if he didn't allow any, which he does).
Its a no win, either the girls see mom and we all wonder what is going on when they are there, or they don't see mom and are upset... yikes!
I'm praying it all turns out ok, I hate seeing the girls so upset.
I can't bear to think of the questions, tears, etc they will have when they are old enough to know what went on/is going on.
Also hoping Judge will see throw her act if it ever does go to court. Out of their lifes now in it because money involved, etc. If I'm paying for it, might as well "use" it... mentality. The job, car, place right after kids are taken away. The sudden reaperance, etc. We can only hope. Thanks Again all.. any other advice/experience is welcomed as well.
I am/will be documenting all calls, visits, etc from now on....

 

[KimRaye]

Originally posted by 2angelsinheaven
I am/will be documenting all calls, visits, etc from now on....

Dad needs to do this, actually.

How do I shorten this? Bro & (ex)sil married, she had a dd from a previous. They had a son together. They divorced and my bro got primary residential custody, ex didn't want it (she had to take her dd, that was enough for her). AACK! They REmarried each other! Currently going thru another divorce. They are fighting over custody this time (which my bro has, since she left). Bro wants it again, but so does she this time. There are other issues as well. She wants 1/2 the house this time. The belief is that it's ALL about money this time. If bro waives CS, like he did before, she'll probably give up her DS IF she gets 1/2 the proceeds from the sale (or buy out) of their house. It's such a mess. She walked away once, leaving everything/everyone in her 'wake', and now she wants the $$ (and/or doesn't want to pay CS). She's always wanted just for herself.

ALL the advice here is very good, imo. Sorry for those girls tho.

 

[WebmasterAlex]

I'm not sure I see a problem here either way.. let's say she get's a job, get's an apartment and get's clean. The judge isnt' going to give her custody because she keeps up a charade for 2 weeks. She would have to make some serious long term change. I agree with everyone that doubts she will really do it but if she does is that a bad thing?
If she doesn't..nothing changes
I'll bet a lot she defaults on child support and ends up in trouble long before she gets 2 jobs and gets clean

 

[meandtheguys]

Hey Darlene. I am glad things have settled for the girls. Maybe this will help straighten mom out and get some help. I wouldn't worry right now about the custody stuff right now. Just have dad document, and pray for the best for the girls. I know you care deeply about them. Be well,

Michelle

 

[Disney Doll]

Call an attorney who specializes in this area of family law. Document everything you can remember about what ahs happened over the past few years/motnhs...however long it's been. And continue to document.

 

[2angelsinheaven]

Michelle, thanks... During our visit to WDW thanks to your gracious offer I thought I saw a glimer of what could have been with her. The girls were so happy, she actually seemed to care, it was a wonderful week and just wanted to thank you again. Of course maybe it was the Disney magic covering my eyes... but things have really gone downhill with her. I think my doses of benefit of the doubt with her are about empty.
I guess all and all it would be wonderful for her to shape up, but there is always a pit in my stomach saying to me that even if she does who knows how "safe" the girls are with her. I could go on and on about why I think this but I'd scare you all half to death...
Sometimes I wish she'd just walk away, but I know the girls need their mom, however unless she really shapes up I just think right now seeing her is doing more damange than good. They have Dad, us, his parents and her parents and they are loved and safe.
Sorry for the rants all, but I just have these boards... can't talk to my best friend (before all this) as it's all about her. Thanks for listening!

 

[southernclass]

I doubt she will get FULL custody, but he may allow her to see the children if she has truly cleaned up her life. In the meantime all you can do is hope all is best where the children are concerned. SHe already messed up her life and the kids need a chance to make their own lives better. I honestly think it should be up to the children when they are old enough to really understand.

 

[Disneymomma]

I have personally lived in this situation for years. My step son and step daughter were 3 & 4 when it began. When I met my now husband, he had the kids the majority of the week. When he would take them to their mom, they would call within a few hours and beg to come back. Pretty soon, they were with us all the time. Everything was great as long as the mother continued getting child support. After two years, my husband felt this was not fair for her to continue recieving the CS if we had the children. (She was partying, staying out, long succession of men, etc.) So, when they were 5 & 6, he filed papers to end the support payemts to her and gain full custody. This is when the real WAR began. We have spent thousands over the years on legal fees. After a long drawn out battle, he was awarded full custody and she was ordered to pay support. She played mental games with the kids for years, which contributed to many problems for them. Each year, she would make allegations about one or both if us just to take us back to court. She gave up on my step son and then began a campaign to just gain custody of my step daughter. (Can you imagine being the "unwanted" child in that situation?) I have to say, that in all the custody cases we were involved in over the years, once we finally were seen by the actual judges, the judges rulled very fairly and TOTALLY in the"best interests" of the children. We had three separate judges issue three separate orders awarding my husband full custody each time. She went to great lengths not to support them , quiting jobs everytime they caught up to her, going on welfare, and finally becoming approved for SSI due to asthma so she could avoid paying. She had her driver's license suapended for non payment of support, tax refunds intercepted, and was sent to jail twice. Despite all of this, she still had the right to make false allegations, file papers, and drag us back into court and continue to disrupt their lives. She had supervised visiation for a long period of tiem after attempting to kidnap them from school. Then eventually, she was allowed to see them for five hours every other Sat., which eventually led to every other weekend visitations. She would never gain full custody in the courts, as they look to determine who provides the most stable environment for the children and usually the court does not like to uproot them from their routines, if there is no problem. They are 15 & 17 now and still struggle with issues dealing with their mom. Alot of damage was done through the court issues for so many years. Keep in mind, that no matter what she is or what she does, she is still their "mommy", and they need a relationship with her to help determine their own self- identities as they get older. I dedicated the last 12 years to being the best step-mom I could to ensure the best possible childhood , but they still need a relationship with their mom,no matter what. I honestly believe they will not be taken from the father as long as he is doing the right thing and providing a stable environment for them. One good thing that came out of it is that it forced their mom to try her best to do better for her self, so she could be a better parent. I will pray for all of you in the situation because I know how hard it is.