Advice for dealing with spoiled disrespectful teenage cousin

[tinkerbell of winter]

Every day it seems that my cousin acts worse toward my daughter. My cousin is 14 and my daughter is 8, and my daughter acts more mature than her. She is always being rude and hateful toward my daughter and I didn't notice it as much until I booked a disney vacation for six people, my mom and grandmother, myself and my daughter and my aunt and the spoiled mean cousin. I need some advice for dealing with her behavior, I really need for her mother to nip her behavior in the butt before this trip, I refuse to have my vacation ruined on account of some disrespectful adolescent. She is downright mean to my daughter, for example when she was at my grandmothers (which my daughter goes to for childcare while I am at work) she made a list with my daughter's name at the top with all sorts of derrogatory terms underneath her name, while under the mean cousins name she listed such things as beautiful, smart, talented. I don't know how immature one has to be to feel the need to insult an 8 year old child at every occasion she has. When my daughter confronted her about the letter and mentioned how immature it was for her to write such a thing and post it on the refrigerator, the cousin smacked my daughter in the face which resulted in her hitting her chin on the open car window that she was looking out of. Her brother is even more rotten than she is, they have grown up in such a dysfunctional household with no discipline, no respect for their parents, and have gotten everything they have ever asked for. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with my 14 year old bratty cousin and lay down some groundrules before this vacation comes up, I don't want them to ruin it for the rest of the people going.

 

[Dakota_Lynn]

Honestly, I wouldn't take her to Disney. She's only going to ruin the trip. Why reward her for being rotten? Seriously, can you opt out of taking her and your Aunt? Tell them the truth; you are fed up with your daughter being mistreated and that you want your daughter to have fun at Disney. Explain that if the rotten cousin learns how to behave over the next year that you'll include her on the next trip. But as things stand now, you are going to choose your daughter's happiness over the cousin's. It's just apalling that a 14 year old could be such a witch to a little girl, but it does happen and I see no reason at all why your daughter should be exposed to that crap. If it causes family tension, tough.

This brings a lot up for me because when I was your daughter's age, there was an older kid, about 14, who was very, very abusive to me. She wasn't a relative, but she was somebody that I couldn't get away from. Believe me when I say that kind of treatment can leave lasting scars. Please try to keep your daughter away from that cousin. The note on the fridge is cruel, but slapping her is criminal. It is illegal to hit, and that really crosses lines. That fact that the cousin hit your daughter is more than enough justification for you to NOT include her on the trip.

If you don't feel you can get around taking them, then I recommend splitting in separate groups once you're there. Let the Aunt go off with her rotten kid and you and your family can have fun without the meanness. Good luck to you. You have one really difficult situation on your hands. Please, let us know what happens. When is your trip?

 

[disykat]

I would treat the current bad behavior and the trip separately. Deal with what is going on between them now and then set up guidelines for the trip at a different time. I would be more worried about the current behavior than about the trip - on the trip you will be there to nip it in the bud in person.

 

[Jeff in BigD]

Hmmm perhaps a little parenting advice from the Country Bears is in order:

Mama don't whoop little Buford.
Mama don't pound on his head.
Mama don't whoop little Buford.
I think you should shoot him instead.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Good grief, don't take the kid to Disney. Her behavior certainly doesn't merit a reward.

 

[shortbun]

I'd tell her that I'd happily spend the $100 to change her air ticket and send her home if there is ANY of that type of behavior on this trip-then do it if necessary. Or-tell her mother she's not welcome now in light of her treatment of your daughter. A 14 year old knows better, dysfunctional or not! It's not too late for her to learn how to behave.

 

[dg39]

From your post, I gather that the trip is already booked, so not bringing your cousin may not be an option. TODAY, I would call your aunt and tell her that the way her daughter bothers your dd has to stop. Tell her all the recent things she did to your dd and both you and your dd are very upset about it. Tell her your concerns about your trip and that you now feel that you won't be leaving your dd with your cousin alone at all on the trip and if things don't change you'll be seperating them at home also. Theres no reason your dd has to be put in any position where she is getting hit, slapped or being treated mean by anyone, no less a family member. I'm hoping that your aunt has no clue what her daughter is doing, because no parent in their right mind would let their child be mean and cruel to anyone else. You may feel alittle funny explaining this all to your aunt, but, if said the right way, you'll be stopping this mean behavior toward your dd and there would be no hard feelings among family members. Do it now, so it stops now.....

 

[Charade]

I wouldn't stand for it. She either behaves or she doesn't go. I wouldn't wait until you are already on the trip to make a decision like that. It would be too much for everyone.

What a brat!

I like Jeff's idea!!

 

[cinmell]

Good grief, don't take the kid to Disney. Her behavior certainly doesn't merit a reward.

Amen to that! Is there any way to get out of going on the trip with them? Good luck!

 

[dmslush]

I agree, I wouldn't take her to disney at all! And I tell ya, if someone.. anyone, slapped shelby in the face, I'd call the police and let them explain to her why that is not 'acceptable' behavior. No one has a right to slap you daughter in the face, and it is your job to make sure that it doesn't happen anymore. I'd be frank with them, tell them if she hits your kid one more time, you will be pressing charges.

 

[Twinkles6892]

I wouldn't take her to Disney.

Then again I have a cousin who said to me at the petting zoo (pointing too a cow), "Look Megan, It's your own kind." And then on a ride there was a woman who was too big to ride and he said to me really loud, "See Megan, if you don't keep going to the gym, that's what's going to happen to you" But my aunt and uncle are the same way. It's all breeding

 

[froglady]

Just curious, what is your grandmother's response to all this? Isn't she watching your daughter? What did she do when your daughter got slapped by her cousin? You appear to have more problems than who can/cannot come to Disney with you.

 

[SeaShelley]

I wouldn't take her to Disney.

Then again I have a cousin who said to me at the petting zoo (pointing too a cow), "Look Megan, It's your own kind." And then on a ride there was a woman who was too big to ride and he said to me really loud, "See Megan, if you don't keep going to the gym, that's what's going to happen to you" But my aunt and uncle are the same way. It's all breeding

for you! I want to know how much self control it took for you not to look at said cousin and say "Well, I may be working on getting down my weight, but your ugly face is forever...no gym can help that!"

 

[JESW]

I am also in agreement to NOT take that child to Disney - your trip will most certainly be ruined by her.

What did her mother do about the note and hitting your child? What did YOU do about the note and hitting your child? Kids like that will constantly try to get away with things until they are stopped. Your daughter is being abused - and the other poster was right when she said that that kind of behavior could leave emotional scars on your daughter. Stop it NOW.

Good luck to you....

Jill

 

[Pea-n-Me]

From what you posted, there is no way I'd be taking them anywhere let alone a Disney trip - cousins or not. I wouldn't care if I lost money. Even if she "changes" prior to the trip you can bet she'll "change back" once you get there. Life is too short to tolerate abusive behavior, especially toward your 8 yr old DD - you should shield her from that, she will remember it as the above poster said. Spend time with people who treat your DD with dignity and respect.

 

[diznygirl]

Does your sister know about the list and the fact that she slapped your daughter? What was her reaction? My gut reaction would be to univite them and tell your sister exactly why. Good luck?

 

[mskani]

BEAT HER.


Just kidding. But seriously, have you talked to the child's mother? What is wrong with this child that she has set aside so much time to torment your child?
I have to agree with the others, I would not take anyone with me on a vacation (especially WDW) who had a bad attitude or treated my child so badly. Good luck to you.

 

[Kermit]

I don't know if you can change her behavior by a certain date. At 14, she's mostly grown and her behaviors may be set.

However, I would take action. I would start by telling her mother that you aren't going to put up with her mistreating your daughter. And because of the history, there will be no leeway. You're not going to put up with even tiny infractions. She either treats your daughter well or ignores her--nothing else! Then I'd tell your cousin the same thing. After that, you'll have to enforce it, which means your DD is NEVER alone with your cousin. I'd even change childcare arrangements if I had to, but maybe Grandma will be willing to keep a better eye on the two of them when they're together.

It is important that you try your best not to cut your aunt and cousin out of your life, but it's even more important that your DD see that you're willing to do whatever it takes for her to feel safe and untormented. I know that uncomfortable family situations are incredibly hard to deal with, but you need to keep in mind that how you handle this will set your DD's perceptions about how you handle things when people are acting abusive to her.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would question why you continue to let your 8 year old be exposed to thihs girl? I would also ask why you would even consider going to Disneyworld with her and her family?

Obviously, this 14 year old child has more "issues" than you are going to be able to correct or even control on a vacation.

I wouldn't be going with them at all. I'd change my plans, I'd make arrangements ot go on my own, or I wouldn't go. Why waste the $$ on a vacation that you aren't going to enjoy?

 

[Disney Doll]

It is important that you try your best not to cut your aunt and cousin out of your life, but it's even more important that your DD see that you're willing to do whatever it takes for her to feel safe and untormented. I know that uncomfortable family situations are incredibly hard to deal with, but you need to keep in mind that how you handle this will set your DD's perceptions about how you handle things when people are acting abusive to her.

I have never understood why people will tolerate bad behavior form others because they are "family".

The 14 year old is abusive to the 8 year old. The 14 year old's mother and other extended responsible relatives (grandmother etc) are allowing it.

What I don't understand is why the OP should want to try and keep a relationship with these people to the detriment of her own daughter, who is being picked on and physically injured?

I would have no problem cutting the aunt & cousin out of my life under these circumstances. The older I get, the less I want people in my life who are toxic.

I have a SIL who is a toxic personality. Thankfully, she live 1500 miles away. I have told her in uncertain and with a great deal of convinction that if her bad behavior ever extends itself to me or my family, that I would write her off as if she never existed. Amazingly enough, she behaves badly around everyone else, causing disharmony, anxiety etc. Around me, she is a perfect angel. Walks on eggshells as a matter-of-fact.

And that's fine with me.