Advice during a hard time in my life

[LuluLovesDisney]

This Saturday, a close friend of mine passed away. He lives in TX, I live in NJ. You are probably asking yourself why I am sharing this on the G&L at Disney page, but there is a reason. My friend of 11 years was gay, with a fabulous life partner of several years, who I only recently met. I am noticing that many online condolences are being offered to his family and are not including his life partner. I know the South is different than where I live (close to NYC) but this shocked me! Does this happen?! He was listed in the obituary and people are still ignoring him in condolences?

I would like to do something for his partner, but I am not sure how I could best do that, because of the distance. Do you have any ideas? I am trying to get to his memorial but due to the pending snowstorm I am having difficulties. I am just not thinking clearly, I am in disbelief. He is only 32!

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

What would you want someone to do for you if your partner died? That is what you can do for him.

Let him know that you care, that you ache for him, and that you are available (if you really are) if he ever needs to talk. The general acts of sending flowers, a plant, a card, or having a star named for someone; all those are compassionate gestures.

Yes, to answer your question, that does happen and all too often. The partner who is left behind finds her/his grief ignored and not something that can be shared.

Treat him with the same compassion and caring that you would want should you ever find yourself in that situation.

Take care now. I hope you are able to get to the service.

 

[jenn&nelsonrego]

What would you want someone to do for you if your partner died? That is what you can do for him.

Let him know that you care, that you ache for him, and that you are available (if you really are) if he ever needs to talk. The general acts of sending flowers, a plant, a card, or having a star named for someone; all those are compassionate gestures.

Yes, to answer your question, that does happen and all too often. The partner who is left behind finds her/his grief ignored and not something that can be shared.

Treat him with the same compassion and caring that you would want should you ever find yourself in that situation.

Take care now. I hope you are able to get to the service.

Nothing left to say... As usual, DVC hits the nail right on the head!

Hope you are able to get there!

 

[starann]

Not trying to say this is the case, but could it be that the people who are leaving online condolances know the person who they are leaving them to? Example: my friends father passsed away and I left online condolences for my friend and a generalized one for the family as I had never met them. I didn't know anyone in the family such as friends mother, or siblings, so I wrote "Thinking of you ___name____ as you pass thru this difficult time." Maybe they are not trying to leave out his DP, but don't know his DP.


Or they could be really rude and non accepting. which I hope is not hte case!

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Texan here.
When my dear, dear friend passed away several years ago from a heart attack I was devastated. His parents are lovely people, but they NEVER were OK with him being gay. He wasn't in a serious relationship when he passed away, but I am not sure how that would have been handled if he was.

At his memorial service there was not ONE WORD spoken about him being gay. Not one. His brother gave a truly spectacular eulogy, but it was scrubbed clean of even the tiniest hint at who my friend really was beyond his role as brother, son, uncle.

I guess it depends on who is running the show as far as the service and so forth. I think someone screens the online condolences before they are posted, but maybe that has nothing to do with it. I hope the family IS including your friend's partner.

 

[Mathfailure]

I wanted to add a thoughtful gesture is to remember for awhile, what I mean is if you know this person at all and have an address or phone # - call or write now, and in a month to 'follow up' and say you still miss your friend too. So often the person who has died is never spoken of, and this adds to the isolation of grief.

Also if you feel this is something you could do, write a remind of this date on next year's calendar, the first anniversary of a loss is painful and many do not remember, it is a thoughtful time to send a token of rememberance.

I cannot say why no mention of this dear man, expect there are still battles to be fought and won.

I am sorry for your saddness but glad for your loving heart.

Kathleen

 

[rosiep]

I wanted to add a thoughtful gesture is to remember for awhile, what I mean is if you know this person at all and have an address or phone # - call or write now, and in a month to 'follow up' and say you still miss your friend too. So often the person who has died is never spoken of, and this adds to the isolation of grief.

Also if you feel this is something you could do, write a remind of this date on next year's calendar, the first anniversary of a loss is painful and many do not remember, it is a thoughtful time to send a token of rememberance.

I cannot say why no mention of this dear man, expect there are still battles to be fought and won.

I am sorry for your saddness but glad for your loving heart.

Kathleen

This is great advice.
People tend to respond immediately to grief, but forget that it is a long process. Condolences slack off in a month or two and people feel "forgotten" and alone in their loss. I know a phone call or a card just saying "thinking of you" can mean the world.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Thank you so much. I appreciate the advice so much. I have never dealt with a death of a young person before. I will definitely mark down death and birthdates, you are right I am sure while people are around it is still hard, but nothing compared to a first night alone in their home.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Just go with your heart Lulu. It's a good one, and you are a good friend to have. He'll need your compassion in the coming months.

Thank you for being such a good person!

 

[quasar4legs]

I am sorry about the loss of your friend

I would send a personal note or card to your friends partner but agree with others that it might be nice to follow up with some sort of contact a few weeks or months later. Grief is ongoing and it can get very lonely for the loved one's left behind.

Hugs
Quasar