Advice? Awkward wedding party situation

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Updated last post


Long post.

I am in an awkward position here and I want someone not on a wedding board to give me some advice… I am getting married in less than 2 weeks and the last month and a half has been stressful to say the least… lets just say when it rains it pours. However, while this was all going on, I unfortunately had to be "that bride" who kicks girls out of her wedding. I know. I so never wanted to be "that bride".

Here is what happened: It came to my attention that my fiance's friends wives (who I'd asked to be bridesmaids because they kept offering to help with everything anyway) were "sooooo stressed" because of me and just generally thought I was a "bridezilla who overreacts to every little thing" (---such as the wrong dress being shipped to me 6 weeks before my wedding, getting sick w/ mono 6 weeks before the wedding, finding out the place we moved to (4 weeks before the wedding) had no electric for a week, no fridge for two weeks etc.).

I found this out when one of their husbands "accidentally" forwarded my fiance and I an email where he says to another, totally uninvolved friend that "she" (meaning me, he used my name) is "making this wedding as stressful as humanly possible for all involved". He actually worded it with a bit more dramatics than that, with caps lock etc. Wowzers.

And to think I had set out to make this the most stress free bridesmaid experience ever… Not even making them buy dresses (I want them to be comfy in dresses they choose) and FI and I are donating to Make a Wish in lieu of favors so no favors to make or carry… just sayin'…

Anyway, I contacted them immediately and told them that since they were so stressed out by me and so miserable they may step down from their bridesmaid duties (which weren't really anything…seriously, I told the girls to wear a black dress of their choosing and show up 30 minutes before the ceremony… that is the extent of their responsibility). I also explained that I was sorry if my venting about the bad crap going on in my life upset them, but also pointed out that 3 or 4 really legit bad things happened to me in the span of like 2 weeks and I was stressed and since they had told me to vent "anytime", I trusted them and did. I explained my position on a few things that apparently were misunderstandings as well.

My "venting", by the way, generally amounted to emails from me if something got screwed up and, well, venting about it, occasionally saying I really wanted to just elope etc." Never called or yelled in person. Just emails once in a while. Pretty standard bride venting, IMO. I mean, two of my BFFs just got married and I got plenty of "omg I want to cancel and run off to an island" calls and emails from them and I'd just listen and be there for them…cause that's what friends do. It never occurred to me to call them names.

One of them said something akin to I bring all of this bad stuff upon myself because of my over-reactions, but otherwise she bowed out quietly. The other one sent me a long tirade about what a bridezilla I am and told me about her assorted life problems that had nothing to do with anything (for real, it was kind of scary), and at one point, told me my long time friends who were also bridesmaids were "immature".

Yikes. She then proceeded to tell me she still wanted to be part of our wedding but after 8 uses of the term "bridezilla" in her message and a refusal to discuss this in person, I asked her to step down.

This whole thing has made me really, really appreciate my real friends. I still have 4 bridesmaids and a bridesman and I love them like siblings. In fact, all the other bridesmaids (who I vented to far more than these two lol) have thanked me repeatedly for making this so stress free for everyone. No one is Maid of Honor, by the way. I love all of my friends equally.

My fiance refuses to kick out the husband who sent the email, or the best man who is married to the girl who called me a bridezilla. That's fine. He went off on the one who sent the email out, but they're apparently all cool now. Which is cool with me. I don't want these girls' problems with me coming between my guy and his friends.

However…. Since the guys are still in, it means these girls will be at the rehearsal dinner this week with their spouses.

I can be civil and so can they. I appreciate what they did for me. They (along with my mom and FMIL) were the ones who primarily planned the shower (it was a pot luck at my moms house, nothing expensive or elaborate AND just so everyone knows--- they were planning the shower prior to even being asked to be in the wedding because they both "love planning parties" and insisted upon it shortly after the engagement was annouced).

But after all this, I just really can not even pretend like we'll ever be good friends. We just don't see eye to eye on anything and being called a bridezilla when I have gone out of my way not to be was really offensive.

Bit of background: I asked everyone (my friends, and these two) to be bridesmaids at the same time, after they'd already started planning the shower. Initially I did not want a bridal party, but when I changed my mind and asked my close friends, I asked these two as well since they were doing so much and I naively assumed that we would all end up super close friends. I fully admit it was dumb of me to ask people I didn't really know that well to be in my wedding just because they were throwing me a shower, and it was really dumb to take them up on the offer to throw me the shower in the first place and it was beyond dumb of me to take them up on the "vent to me anytime, I'm here for you!" offer as well. Lesson learned.

So that is the background...

The issue I have now is, how do I tactfully give the bridesmaids and bridesman their thank you gifts in front of these two? I'm getting the girls designer bags and the guy a sizeable gift cert to his favorite store. I toyed with the idea of getting smaller, "shower hostess gifts" for the other two but I'm definitely not spending a lot of them after all this. My budget is running low and I'd rather spend the money on my friends, and my fabulous FMIL who handled a lot of the details while I was very sick.

I can't give the bridesmaids their gifts between rehearsal and the wedding because we don't live/work close enough to see each other in that time. The morning of the wedding is going to be crazy busy and we're leaving for our honeymoon right after.

So, honestly, how do I do this? WWYD?

 

[Minniemouse07]

Don't give out the gifts at the rehearsal dinner. We definitely didn't (10+ years ago...also a destination wedding).

Dh and I gave gifts to our attendants individually at different times before we left for the wedding.

OR...ask them to come early to the rehearsal dinner...or stay later and do the gift giving then.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

I'm really sorry you had to go through that. Weddings are stressful enough without that kind of drama. Can't you give the presents to them at the actual rehearsal? Just take five minutes out to tell them all how much you appreciate them standing by you and what it means to have them a part of your special day.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Long post.

I am in an awkward position here and I want someone not on a wedding board to give me some advice… I am getting married in less than 2 weeks and the last month and a half has been stressful to say the least… lets just say when it rains it pours. However, while this was all going on, I unfortunately had to be "that bride" who kicks girls out of her wedding. I know. I so never wanted to be "that bride".

Here is what happened: It came to my attention that my fiance's friends wives (who I'd asked to be bridesmaids because they kept offering to help with everything anyway) were "sooooo stressed" because of me and just generally thought I was a "bridezilla who overreacts to every little thing" (---such as the wrong dress being shipped to me 6 weeks before my wedding, getting sick w/ mono 6 weeks before the wedding, finding out the place we moved to (4 weeks before the wedding) had no electric for a week, no fridge for two weeks etc.).

I found this out when one of their husbands "accidentally" forwarded my fiance and I an email where he says to another, totally uninvolved friend that "she" (meaning me, he used my name) is "making this wedding as stressful as humanly possible for all involved". He actually worded it with a bit more dramatics than that, with caps lock etc. Wowzers.

And to think I had set out to make this the most stress free bridesmaid experience ever… Not even making them buy dresses (I want them to be comfy in dresses they choose) and FI and I are donating to Make a Wish in lieu of favors so no favors to make or carry… just sayin'…

Anyway, I contacted them immediately and told them that since they were so stressed out by me and so miserable they may step down from their bridesmaid duties (which weren't really anything…seriously, I told the girls to wear a black dress of their choosing and show up 30 minutes before the ceremony… that is the extent of their responsibility). I also explained that I was sorry if my venting about the bad crap going on in my life upset them, but also pointed out that 3 or 4 really legit bad things happened to me in the span of like 2 weeks and I was stressed and since they had told me to vent "anytime", I trusted them and did. I explained my position on a few things that apparently were misunderstandings as well.

My "venting", by the way, generally amounted to emails from me if something got screwed up and, well, venting about it, occasionally saying I really wanted to just elope etc." Never called or yelled in person. Just emails once in a while. Pretty standard bride venting, IMO. I mean, two of my BFFs just got married and I got plenty of "omg I want to cancel and run off to an island" calls and emails from them and I'd just listen and be there for them…cause that's what friends do. It never occurred to me to call them names.

One of them said something akin to I bring all of this bad stuff upon myself because of my over-reactions, but otherwise she bowed out quietly. The other one sent me a long tirade about what a bridezilla I am and told me about her assorted life problems that had nothing to do with anything (for real, it was kind of scary), and at one point, told me my long time friends who were also bridesmaids were "immature".

Yikes. She then proceeded to tell me she still wanted to be part of our wedding but after 8 uses of the term "bridezilla" in her message and a refusal to discuss this in person, I asked her to step down.

This whole thing has made me really, really appreciate my real friends. I still have 4 bridesmaids and a bridesman and I love them like siblings. In fact, all the other bridesmaids (who I vented to far more than these two lol) have thanked me repeatedly for making this so stress free for everyone. No one is Maid of Honor, by the way. I love all of my friends equally.

My fiance refuses to kick out the husband who sent the email, or the best man who is married to the girl who called me a bridezilla. That's fine. He went off on the one who sent the email out, but they're apparently all cool now. Which is cool with me. I don't want these girls' problems with me coming between my guy and his friends.

However…. Since the guys are still in, it means these girls will be at the rehearsal dinner this week with their spouses.

I can be civil and so can they. I appreciate what they did for me. They (along with my mom and FMIL) were the ones who primarily planned the shower (it was a pot luck at my moms house, nothing expensive or elaborate AND just so everyone knows--- they were planning the shower prior to even being asked to be in the wedding because they both "love planning parties" and insisted upon it shortly after the engagement was annouced).

But after all this, I just really can not even pretend like we'll ever be good friends. We just don't see eye to eye on anything and being called a bridezilla when I have gone out of my way not to be was really offensive.

Bit of background: I asked everyone (my friends, and these two) to be bridesmaids at the same time, after they'd already started planning the shower. Initially I did not want a bridal party, but when I changed my mind and asked my close friends, I asked these two as well since they were doing so much and I naively assumed that we would all end up super close friends. I fully admit it was dumb of me to ask people I didn't really know that well to be in my wedding just because they were throwing me a shower, and it was really dumb to take them up on the offer to throw me the shower in the first place and it was beyond dumb of me to take them up on the "vent to me anytime, I'm here for you!" offer as well. Lesson learned.

So that is the background...

The issue I have now is, how do I tactfully give the bridesmaids and bridesman their thank you gifts in front of these two? I'm getting the girls designer bags and the guy a sizeable gift cert to his favorite store. I toyed with the idea of getting smaller, "shower hostess gifts" for the other two but I'm definitely not spending a lot of them after all this. My budget is running low and I'd rather spend the money on my friends, and my fabulous FMIL who handled a lot of the details while I was very sick.

I can't give the bridesmaids their gifts between rehearsal and the wedding because we don't live/work close enough to see each other in that time. The morning of the wedding is going to be crazy busy and we're leaving for our honeymoon right after.
So, honestly, how do I do this? WWYD?

Allrighty then. Where do I start?

Leaving all drama aside about who's right and who's wrong, I'd have to say you have two choices:

1. Make the effort to give your "special" gifts before the wedding. If public opinion of you is so important, then you're going to need to go out of your way to show special love to these people so people you don't like don't see you playing favorites.
   
2. Give your "special gifts" in front of the two who already don't have a very high opinion of you. You're already bridezilla to them. Wear it with honor.

As for the rest of all that drama, I'm saying nothing for now.

 

[mjkacmom]

Honestly, if I accidently received that email, I might shrug it off, or maybe let them know my feelings are hurt. Maybe you don't think you are a bridezilla, I don't know anyone who thinks they are. You don't think people, even friends and family members, never talk behind your back? Vent? I know when DH and I were married, before kids, our friends and their spouses formed the majority of our socialization. Dinners, bbq's, even vacations. Our kids are now friends. I think you really overreacted, and I'm guessing that maybe you overreacted to other situations, which caused the comment in the first place.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

[*]Give your "special gifts" in front of the two who already don't have a very high opinion of you. You're already bridezilla to them. Wear it with honor.
[/LIST]

This is what my mom, my FMIL and my fiance think I should do.

But I actually am sad about the loss of their friendship (it feels like when a relationship you feel happy in suddenly ends because the other person decides you just aren't their type...) and I don't really want this turning into anything more than it is. I want to let it go. It's likely after the wedding that i will never see these people again except for at large group events.

But at the same time, I don't want a scene or snippiness at the rehearsal dinner either. If either of them make a comment, I can ignore it, but my mom, my fmil, and my best friend will not ignore it.... kwim?

I think I might just tell the girls & guy that I want to give them each a special thank you and go with the "give them individually" idea. I just know it's traditional for the gifts to be given at the rehearsal when the bride and groom thank everyone.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Sorry, I'd just give the gifts out as normal. They are not part of the wedding party anymore, and while their spouses are, do you think you should alter you plans of the rehearsel dinner for two sour-pusses??

You're going to give the spouses a gift, they should know and expect that. By stepping away from the wedding party, they are no longer entitled to the receipt of a gift.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

But I actually am sad about the loss of their friendship (it feels like when a relationship you feel happy in suddenly ends because the other person decides you just aren't their type...) and I don't really want this turning into anything more than it is. I want to let it go. It's likely after the wedding that i will never see these people again except for at large group events.

I hate to say it, but I doubt the pre-wedding woes were the first time they talked about you [poorly] behind your back. You may be better off without them as much as it stinks.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Give your "special gifts" in front of the two who already don't have a very high opinion of you. You're already bridezilla to them. Wear it with honor.

This is what my mom, my FMIL and my fiance think I should do.

But I actually am sad about the loss of their friendship (it feels like when a relationship you feel happy in suddenly ends because the other person decides you just aren't their type...) and I don't really want this turning into anything more than it is. I want to let it go. It's likely after the wedding that i will never see these people again except for at large group events.

But at the same time, I don't want a scene or snippiness at the rehearsal dinner either. If either of them make a comment, I can ignore it, but my mom, my fmil, and my best friend will not ignore it.... kwim?

I think I might just tell the girls & guy that I want to give them each a special thank you and go with the "give them individually" idea. I just know it's traditional for the gifts to be given at the rehearsal when the bride and groom thank everyone.

Listen to those who love you the best and follow their advice. Especially if they're all agreed upon it.

As for not wanting a scene or snippiness, guess what? You have no control over that. If people want to make a scene or be snippy, they're going to make a scene or be snippy.

Your #1 mistake in all of this is thinking that you can control other people. Once you finally learn that you can't control others, your life will have less drama. Guaranteed.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Honestly, if I accidently received that email, I might shrug it off, or maybe let them know my feelings are hurt. Maybe you don't think you are a bridezilla, I don't know anyone who thinks they are. You don't think people, even friends and family members, never talk behind your back? Vent? I know when DH and I were married, before kids, our friends and their spouses formed the majority of our socialization. Dinners, bbq's, even vacations. Our kids are now friends. I think you really overreacted, and I'm guessing that maybe you overreacted to other situations, which caused the comment in the first place.

This does not answer the question I had, nor is it the issue at hand. I asked how you would handle giving out the gifts. But to answer your questions:

I was just in two weddings and no, I never once called my friends names when they were freaking out about things, nor did I ever get together with other bridesmaids and their spouses as a group and talked about how awful the brides were. In fact, I never thought the brides were awful.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Listen to those who love you the best and follow their advice. Especially if they're all agreed upon it.

As for not wanting a scene or snippiness, guess what? You have no control over that. If people want to make a scene or be snippy, they're going to make a scene or be snippy.

Your #1 mistake in all of this is thinking that you can control other people. Once you finally learn that you can't control others, your life will have less drama. Guaranteed.

That's a great point, Carly. Thanks.

 

[HM]

Can you give the gifts before (at the beginning) of rehearsal?

 

[OceanAnnie]

I hate to say it, but I doubt the pre-wedding woes were the first time they talked about you [poorly] behind your back. You may be better off without them as much as it stinks.

I agree.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Can you give the gifts before (at the beginning) of rehearsal?

I thought about that, but with people coming in from all different directions and 3 different states, it might be tough to time who gets there first.

Thanks everyone. I think I am going to just get together and give them the gifts individually.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

And thanks also, for listening all. I never told the other bridesmaids why the other two weren't in the party anymore, only that some "issues came up" and only my fiance, mom and FMIL know. It was kind of nice to get it off my chest a bit. So, thanks.

 

[suzannen]

This is what my mom, my FMIL and my fiance think I should do.

But I actually am sad about the loss of their friendship (it feels like when a relationship you feel happy in suddenly ends because the other person decides you just aren't their type...) and I don't really want this turning into anything more than it is. I want to let it go. It's likely after the wedding that i will never see these people again except for at large group events.

But at the same time, I don't want a scene or snippiness at the rehearsal dinner either. If either of them make a comment, I can ignore it, but my mom, my fmil, and my best friend will not ignore it.... kwim?

I think I might just tell the girls & guy that I want to give them each a special thank you and go with the "give them individually" idea. I just know it's traditional for the gifts to be given at the rehearsal when the bride and groom thank everyone.

I've never seen gifts given out at the rehearsal. Around here, they are usually given either at the Bachelor and/or Bachelorette weekend or else at a Bridesmaid luncheon/spa session before the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. You can really choose to give it to them at any point near the wedding - it's the thank you that's important, not the specific time it's received.

 

[DawnCt1]

This paragraph stood out to me.

I can be civil and so can they. I appreciate what they did for me. They (along with my mom and FMIL) were the ones who primarily planned the shower (it was a pot luck at my moms house, nothing expensive or elaborate AND just so everyone knows--- they were planning the shower prior to even being asked to be in the wedding because they both "love planning parties" and insisted upon it shortly after the engagement was annouced).

But after all this, I just really can not even pretend like we'll ever be good friends. We just don't see eye to eye on anything and being called a bridezilla when I have gone out of my way not to be was really offensive.

Why don't you be the bigger person and give them all the same gift. They may not have been their until the end, but they were there for the beginning. Your fiance, soon to be your DH probably won't end a relationship with their husbands, and you are asking to be remembered as a "petty bridezilla". If adding two more gifts to the list will bust the budget, lower the price of the gifts. In the end, you will look like the bigger person. A couple of months down the road, give your best friends another gift, just for being "them".

 

[Carly_Roach]

This paragraph stood out to me.

Why don't you be the bigger person and give them all the same gift. They may not have been their until the end, but they were there for the beginning. Your fiance, soon to be your DH probably won't end a relationship with their husbands, and you are asking to be remembered as a "petty bridezilla". If adding two more gifts to the list will bust the budget, lower the price of the gifts. In the end, you will look like the bigger person. A couple of months down the road, give your best friends another gift, just for being "them".

Dawn makes a very good point and I'll second her advice about giving them all the same gift.

Let's face it: throwing people out of the wedding two weeks before the day and then snubbing them by getting them inferior gifts and handing all the gifts out at the same time so they'll see their gift is inferior (or no gift at all) DOES make you look like a pretty petty bridezilla.

If what you're really asking is how you can be a witch without looking like a witch, I'll have to let others here give you advice about that. It's not a personality trait I've ever wanted to learn. When I'm a witch (which some will say I frequently am), I at least have the good grace to look like one and make few apologies for it.

 

[rie'smom]

Either give them the same gift or you and your fiance can give them their gifts the day of the wedding when you're all getting ready.

 

[kymmyk13]

This paragraph stood out to me.

Why don't you be the bigger person and give them all the same gift. They may not have been their until the end, but they were there for the beginning. Your fiance, soon to be your DH probably won't end a relationship with their husbands, and you are asking to be remembered as a "petty bridezilla". If adding two more gifts to the list will bust the budget, lower the price of the gifts. In the end, you will look like the bigger person. A couple of months down the road, give your best friends another gift, just for being "them".

I agree with Dawn. Be the better person, also it will make them feel stupid when you give them a gift. You are going to have to deal with these woman on an ongoing basis, so always be nice no matter what they do and they will look like the villian.