Advice about dd's bf?

[Wishing on a star]

Yep, I would take threats of suicide very very seriously.
I would protect my daughter from this.
I would do whatever it took to protect my daughter, and hopefully send out some heads-up about this young man.

Talk of suicide, in any form, in any way, is not normal healthy behavior.

The fact that it is being used as a method of control only makes it 100 times worse.

 

[tina.tina]

My sister dated a guy who was like this. They were both 17 and he was absolutely drop dead movie star gorgeous. She broke up with him when he started cutting himself- shallow cuts on his abdomen just to get her attention/reaction- nothing deep or serious. We (her family) didn't find out about this until a few years later but she made the right decision.

A person like this seems to try to cling to someone more stable. Your daughter needs to understand that she is not responsible for his happiness but the suicide threat needs to be reported to the school counselor because that should always be taken seriously just in case.

 

[lizabu]

It would go through a school counsellor too. Call the school, set an appointment. They can arrange the Dad to come. Give him the facts as you know them. From there the school councillor can work with the boy and his family and even your DD so she has tools to deal with this kind of manipulation.

 

[luvsJack]

DD's bff just went through something like this. He started with the suicide threats if they broke up and it went from bad to worse from there.

It is a controlling tactic and the more she lets it control her actions, the more controlling he may get.

I am not saying the boy doesn't need help from somewhere, but I am saying do NOT let your dd let this control what she does.

If she wants to break up with him, she should do so. You can either go to his father and tell him what is happening or you can call the school counselor. I would go to the father, but that's because our counselor is a joke and I wouldn't want to leave something that important in her hands. Or if there is a teacher that your dd trusts and both kids have, maybe you can talk to that teacher.

A boy that lives in a town over from us, shot himself earlier this year. He drove to the fire station, sat in his truck outside and shot himself. The thought is that he chose that spot thinking he could shoot himself but someone would be close enough to get him to the hospital. He would live and his gf would come back to him. He didn't make it. So even threats that aren't intended to be completely carried out can be very real. If its more than, like a pp said, "I would DIE without you"; then I would not take it lightly. Not for your dd's sake nor for his.

DD's friend's bf knew that he was controlling and that he drove her friend crazy. He had other girls break up with him previously for the same reasons. He just didn't know how to stop doing the things he did. His family situation wasn't the best and he had no one to go to for advice. Your dd's bf may be similar and if other girls have broken up with him because of the smothering; he may just not know any other way to act towards her and he is truly afraid she is going to break up with him.

 

[Airship Ariadne]

This could just be typical teenage boy, emotional over-excitement and being unable to phrase things without extremes...BUT it could also be a serious issue.

I agree that perhaps you should talk to the school counselor to get their opinion on the matter and the boy's true emotional state.

It very well could be nothing, in which case, no harm is done, but if it is something serious, it is best to find out while there is time to get him some assistance.

 

[luvmyfam444]

Thanks for your opinions.

Right now dd can't talk with him as easily since her phone is taken away (diff reason).

I'm afraid to let his dad know anything. Supposedly he was yelled @ cause he was sick last week. I hate to cause more problems, especially if it's just talk...ya know. But of course I want to protect dd.

 

[luvsJack]

Thanks for your opinions.

Right now dd can't talk with him as easily since her phone is taken away (diff reason).

I'm afraid to let his dad know anything. Supposedly he was yelled @ cause he was sick last week. I hate to cause more problems, especially if it's just talk...ya know. But of course I want to protect dd.

I would certainly have some long talks with your dd. Talk to her about controlling behaviors and how its not healthy. It doesn't mean he loves her or anything like that. And that if the relationship is no longer about fun and liking talking to and being with someone, then its time to end it.

Ask her how she took what he said about killing himself. Did she take it seriously or worry about what he would do if she broke up with him? If it worries her then it should worry you.

I understand how you feel about talking to his dad but if you don't think talking to the counselor will help, what other choice do you have? If talking to the counselor will be helpful then start there and let him/her know you haven't talked to the dad and why.

 

[Wishing on a star]

This could just be typical teenage boy, emotional over-excitement and being unable to phrase things without extremes...

Very strongly disagree with this....
I am the parent of a teenaged boy.
This is not normal or healthy behavior.
I have heard a LOT of stories about how these teen boys my son's age talk and how they act and what they do.... Suicide is not a part of that. Personally, I have never heard one single mention from my son or the other teen boys we know of anything similar to this.

This should not to be minimized, taken lightly, justified, excused, etc.

OP: Once again, do what it takes to protect your daughter from this.
If this means finding more 'reasons' to take her phone... etc...

 

[HM]

I agree that luvmyfam444 has it wrong. I was thrown by that post. That is not normal behavior at all.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It is not the OP's obligation, or even adviseable, to talk to this boy's dad, any more than it is the teen daughters obligation, or even adviseable, to take on any personal responsibility for this issue with the boy.

OP: Your sole interest here should be protecting your daughter. If you feel that it is warranted to speak with the counselors and administrators at the school, I would def. do that. Especially since you already mention having doubts about this boy's dad.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It would go through a school counsellor too. Call the school, set an appointment. They can arrange the Dad to come. Give him the facts as you know them.

It sounds like you are suggesting that the OP and this teen's dad would both be there at the meeting at the school.

I would not expect that to happen. And, in fact, would be very troubled if were arranged that way. This is a personal issue. And, basic privacy policies and laws would mean that she would have no business being there and hearing or being involved with any private discussions.

 

[luvsJack]

It is not the OP's obligation, or even adviseable, to talk to this boy's dad, any more than it is the teen daughters obligation, or even adviseable, to take on any personal responsibility for this issue with the boy.

OP: Your sole interest here should be protecting your daughter. I you feel that it is warranted to speak with the counselors and administrators at the school, I would def. do that. Especially since you already mention having doubts about this boy's dad.

I 110% disagree. This is someone's teenage son that has threatened to kill himself! Would you not want someone that knew that about your kid to tell you? The father can immediately start watching the boy. If she feels its done no good to talk to him, there is always the counselor or a teacher.

There is nothing that suggests this boy's father is dangerous or abusive. The boy could be telling her dd that his dad treats him badly for sympathy. And I have yelled at dd for being "sick" too, when she wasn't really sick at all but wanting to skip out on school. Dropping the boy off at dances and football games---that's probably the way the boy wants it. They are 15/16 years old not 12/13. I wouldn't think badly of anyone's parents for just dropping them off at this age.

I do agree with you that its not her dd's responsibility to do anything. But I would ask her how serious she took his threats and make sure she isn't still "dating" him because of the threats.

 

[JanaDee]

RED flags!!!! He seems to be really screwed up. Dysfunctional family and no parents around to care for him or care about him. These type of kids gravitate to the kids who have a stable family,can be very manipulative to the point of telling your DD who to talk to and what to do in any situation. If this continues he will brainwash your DD and you will wonder what in the world has happened. I have BTDT, but no one could tell me any different. I married the man and divorced him 10 months later. Please have your DD read my post. She deserves much better than what she currently has. She needs to get rid of him and eventually find her soul mate with true love. If this was my DD I would have ended the relationship immediately. This is such a hard situation I wish you the best of luck. This boys father will not care what you say to him. He seems already to have stopped parenting his son a long time ago. But in our society today I suppose this father is in the majority who feels he does not need to be around for her son.

You are jumping to wild conclusions with very little info.

 

[aaarcher86]

Been there, and it's a super crappy situation.

Personally, I just had to realize I wasn't going to stay with that person forever so I had to face the situation eventually. I knew it wasn't my responsibility to make sure he didn't harm himself, etc - but I wouldn't to make sure that I didn't feel guilty if something did.

I told his mom what he was saying, that I was going to break up with him, and just apologized for the situation. My parents new so that if something happened to ME they were aware of the situation. That was that. He didn't end up doing anything, and I didn't think he would, but I was glad that I'd let someone know to keep an eye on it. There wouldn't have been any 'why didn't you tell someone' guilt had he surprisingly done something.

 

[leebee]

DD was in a super-crappy, controlling relationship during freshman year of college that escalated to the physical. He kept threatening to kill himself and his cat if she broke up with him. She finally told him that this is NOT a normal reaction and that unless he got psychological help, she WOULD break up with him. He saw a counselor over the summer, so she gave him a second chance, but knew it was still a bad thing and broke up with him. Guess what? He didn't hurt himself OR the cat. He was a jerk, and DD now is humiliated that she let herself get into and stay in such a relationship for so long. I reinforce that she did the hard stuff- she got OUT of the relationship, something many grown women can't do. OP please help your DD get out of this relationship. If you or your DD tell the school counselor that the boy is threatening suicide if she breaks up with him, the counselor is required by law to report it. Regardless of whether this boy is serious about suicide or is using it to be controlling, he needs help- and your daughter needs to be OUT of this relationship.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

She has been "dating" this guy for 2 months....they have a class together, went to homecoming together & they text/email & Skype a bunch.

He says he's gonna marry her & he's so in love & supposedly she has promised him the same. That doesn't bother me too much..puppy love is misleading that way @15/16 yo.

What really bothers me is his comments about killing himself if they breakup.

How do you handle that?

dd has said he's driving her crazy lately, smothering her (not in a bad way) & she wants to move on but she's scared of his reaction.

What do I tell her?

You tell her to break up with him if she wants to break up.

Tell her if he threatens to harm himself then you guys will contact the proper people.

Keep it simple.

 

[okeydokey]

If your daughter wants to end things, then she should end things. If she feels like she wants to give the parents a heads up so they can keep an eye of him and his emotions, then she should do that.

Let her take the lead.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I 110% disagree. This is someone's teenage son that has threatened to kill himself! Would you not want someone that knew that about your kid to tell you?

That would be the school or other authorities place...
Some other objective and qualified person.
Many parents (and I would suspect MOST parents) would just NOT take this kind of personal 'intervention' into their business very well.

I have BTDT....
When my son was younger, not even a teenager yet, there was a tentative friendship with this boy who turned out to be very troubled, possibly because of some developmental ASD type issues. When it became clear that this was NOT a good situation for my son, and he was calling my son all the time and trying to make my young child feel responsible for his problems... I actually did go to speak with his mom. I had met her a couple of times and felt that it might work out for me to approach her.

60 seconds after speaking with her and letting her know that I was worried/concerned about her son. I was ushered right out the door, and being called a 'witch' as I left.

ETA: As a small/petite woman, you just won't see me choosing to go personally, one-on-one, to go try to deal with this kind of thing with another parent. Whether it is a bully, a troubled kid who is controlling/bullying their girlfriend... whatever. I just can't generally advise anyone to do that. I never forget the old adage... "Don't like the message... Hate the messenger." There are usually other options.

OP, if you have any second thoughts at all about dealing with this parent... Just do NOT even consider it. Not all advice, no matter how well meaning, is good advice for any given situation.

If you do feel that this boy is troubled (and that would be my assumption) go to the school.....

 

[Wishing on a star]

You tell her to break up with him if she wants to break up.

Tell her if he threatens to harm himself then you guys will contact the proper people.

Keep it simple.

Leave it to MM to nail it in three short sentences!!!!!

 

[shortbun]

Tell the boy you and her father have decided that their relationship is too serious and, for now, you are calling a halt to it. She is only 15 and as her parents, you are still in charge of her social life. Tell him to stop texting her so much and that she can no longer 'date' him.