Adult sibling still being spoiled by parents

[ez]

Does anyone else have this going on in their family? It's the way things have always been but sometimes it seems to make me especially nuts, (like when I have to pay my share of the bill going out to eat but they still pick up his...every single time. I would treat them, but Im not treating him!!) This is a person in their 40's, a successful business person, but has never married, I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it. I actually think this person has been so spoiled they wouldnt be capable of what is necessary to be in a relationship, putting someone else first occasionally. Does this sound familiar to anyone??

 

[NMAmy]

Hey, you could be describing my younger sister's relationship with my mom! Yeah, it never changed--my mom passed away a couple of years ago and it kept up right until the day she died.

It is weird that they make you pay your share of the bill at a meal, though. When my mom was on a fixed income, we always took her out to dinner but when my dad was still alive, he'd always insist on paying for everyone.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

Sort of...
That's my family, but it isn't limited to just one sibling. Neither of us pays for anything when either of my parents are around. They're pretty stubborn about it. I'm trying to treat my mom to a cruise an that's not working out to well.

I wouldn't think it odd because I know a lot of parents like mine where kids are kids no matter how adult that are, but it's odd that they only do this for one sibling. That's rough.

 

[eliza61]

Family dynamics are tricky at best. what one person see as spoiled usually is totally different to someone else.
For example, every once in a while there is a debate here on whether or not adult children should get free family vacations with their parents.

a lot of people feel that once they hit 21 they should be paying their own way on the family vacations. if you don't the kid will be "spoiled", "entitled" or "irresponsible".

Funny thing is I went on a royal carribbean cruise this past May and meet quite a number of parents who were cruising with the entire family (kids and grandkids) and were picking up the tab. In fact I meet a women from Tenns. who spent 9 months a year sailing and every year pays for her 3 kids and 6 grands to go with her for 10 days. Are they spoiled?

My father would never let me or my siblings pick up the tab at dinner. after countless attempts and arguments we just learned to let it go. it brought him joy and it didn't seem to break his bank.

Now as a general rule I go with the "if I invite you, I'll pick up the tab". lol my college age kids love when I invite them out to dinner because they know they will eat waaaay better than what their budget could handle.

 

[mom2febgirls]

My Dh's parents have paid his older sister's mortgage/car payments, etc. many times. But when my husband was young and once asked to borrow money they told him no. They complain to my Dh about how they hate paying her bills but they still do it :/

It sucks.

 

[barkley]

Does anyone else have this going on in their family? It's the way things have always been but sometimes it seems to make me especially nuts, (like when I have to pay my share of the bill going out to eat but they still pick up his...every single time. I would treat them, but Im not treating him!!) This is a person in their 40's, a successful business person, but has never married, I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it. I actually think this person has been so spoiled they wouldnt be capable of what is necessary to be in a relationship, putting someone else first occasionally. Does this sound familiar to anyone??

it sounds familiar-and I think the never married can play a big part in it. the way I've known it to play out is the parent(s) kind of view their non married adult child as being 'all alone in the world' whereas they view their married adult children as being provided for emotionally and financially by their spouse. I've seen it play out this way with treating to meals, with more expensive Christmas gifts (because their married adult kids have spouses who will buy for them-at least that's the mindset), with birthday gifts (might not even give bday gifts anymore to their other adult kids b/c they again figure their spouses will buy for them, but 'poor such and such only has us to remember him on his/her bday'). I've even heard of it extending to estate planning-parents divide the estate by the number of kids they have but add in an extra count so the unmarried kid ends up w/twice the share of his/her siblings 'because everyone else will end up inheriting something from their spouse's parents while poor such and such is all alone and we're the only ones to leave him something').

 

[RitaE]

Spoiled like that, no. Because my Mom has no money and my sister rarely even talks to her much less visits.

But I do often get the pleasure of being required to stand behind my Mom while she reads to me an entire month's worth of postings and updates from the Golden Child's Facebook. "Well isn't that just wonderful?" "Oh look, she told a funny joke! Oh isn't that a fabulous picture!" And there's nothing more fun than spending 20 hours a week or so running errands and helping out your Mom and the entire conversation centers around how your sister can poop rainbows, spin gold from air, and wears a halo likely granted to her from the Big Guy himself. Or I can cook her Thanksgiving dinner while she sits at the kitchen table and every single step and ingredient gets a comparison commentary of that wonderful holiday dinner my sister once cooked, over 15 years ago. Or one of my favorites, I got a Wine magazine in the mail and my Mom looked at it and told me I should send it to my Sister because she really does know everything about wine and she'd probably really enjoy my magazine.

Not that I have issues or anything.

 

[mnrose]

Yup. Not my family but in my Dh's family there is definitely favoritism happening that is so blatant! And, my MIL (the perp in this story) doesn't even see it! LOL. I try not to let it bother me because her "favoritism" comes at the cost of never letting the two people being "favored" grow up and stand on their own two feet.

 

[gwynne]

Yup. Not my family but in my Dh's family there is definitely favoritism happening that is so blatant! And, my MIL (the perp in this story) doesn't even see it! LOL. I try not to let it bother me because her "favoritism" comes at the cost of never letting the two people being "favored" grow up and stand on their own two feet.

I dunno. I'd probably see a situation outlined like the one above as very co-dependent on both sides.
Everyone's making choices. Not to decide is to decide, and all that.

Sad though.

 

[cabanafrau]

I feel bad for my DH. He's always been the "less than" younger brother. When he decided to pack off for college at 21 his brother didn't think too much of it. Then he completed his degree and started his career and his brother decided to pursue a degree as well, but he decided it was best to pursue that degree in a field where it was all but guaranteed he would have no possibility of employment in our state. Not out of a desire to make a break for greener pastures mind you, rather to provide a plausible excuse for his continued lack of employment. Here we are nearly 3 decades later, he's still never held a real job for longer than six months. Most of the time if he's employed it's 3 months tops.

When my DH graduated from university, began his career, married, had a family, bought a home, etc. it became ritual to regale us at all family gatherings with exaggerated tales of his brother's past glories and bemoan the fact he's so intelligent it intimidates people. (Not so much, I assure you.) It's escalated over the years to the point my in-laws have spun the tale of sending my DH to college (they provided a total amount of 3 figures, he paid the rest out of his earnings from his full-time job before starting university and took loans which we paid off for the rest.) and they tell everyone BIL paid his own way. Now family gatherings consist of BIL's tales of not needing to do his homework in HS because he was too smart to need to do so in an attempt to convince my daughters he's far brighter than they'll ever be. On Mother's Day MIL was asking our college DD about her job up at school and then proceeded to tell us how BIL and DH have always "worked like dogs" since they were teenagers. Unfortunately we were all so shocked none of us got our game faces on in time to hide it and you could tell she noticed our disbelief. We're waiting for the big propaganda campaign and expect it to drop during Christmas Eve dinner.

Early on my in-laws made an attempt to continue this sick game into the next generation by attempting to establish the dynamic between our daughters. It wasn't pretty, but we squashed it hard. Sadly it's a common dynamic I see a lot in the probate end of things. I don't get it.

 

[ez]

Yup. Not my family but in my Dh's family there is definitely favoritism happening that is so blatant! And, my MIL (the perp in this story) doesn't even see it! LOL. I try not to let it bother me because her "favoritism" comes at the cost of never letting the two people being "favored" grow up and stand on their own two feet.

This is what i see happening too. Its like sibling not married and then the parents babying the sibling his whole life kinda has stunted his growth developmentally as far as relationships go so he might never get married. if you have been doted over your whole life you never learn how to be the doter. There is a cost i think.

 

[dashofsunshine]

This is my Mom and her sister, to a T. It has happened all her life. She's 60 now and taking care of my grandma, who lies in a bed and can't even use the bathroom on her own. My Mom's (unmarried, childless) sister is taking vacations to Italy and Greece and having face lifts and leaves my Mom to help with my grandma, even though my Mom runs her own business and has a husband and two kids. My grandma has spent her entire life telling my mom she would never accomplish anything, all the while going on and on about how wonderful her little sister is. Now that my Mom turned out to be the MOST successful (and kind, and loving...) child, the whole family gossips about her and she is still the black sheep. She tries to be a good person and ignore it. It really gets to her sometimes, though. It breaks my heart to see my amazing, wonderful Mom cry because she has spent her whole life feeling like her Mother doesn't love her

The icing on the cake: a few weeks ago, my grandma accused my Mom of playing favorites between my brother and I. My Mom was LIVID. When she had us she was hell bent and determined to ALWAYS treat us equally and love us the same, because of her horrible past. And she has done it so well. She has never played favorites with us. I can't imagine a better Mother. So for her Mom to be such a hypocrite...ugh. SUCKS!

 

[leebee]

I think there is a difference between parents inviting their adult kids to join them on a some/all-expenses paid vacation and a parent paying for everything for their adult child simply because he still lives at home and is therefore still part of the nuclear family. We are feeling our way through this now, as DD21 has moved back home after college (for a year). We are trying to determine what expenses we want her to pay for herself vs. the expenses we are willing to pay as part of the family/household. Financially, DH and I don't really care, but that's not the best way to help her move into adulthood and independence.
(For the record, she is home for this year only while her boyfriend finishes his 5th year engineering degree, after which they are moving to wherever he accepts a job- and he already has 2 offers.)

 

[Jaya]

Spoiled like that, no. Because my Mom has no money and my sister rarely even talks to her much less visits.

But I do often get the pleasure of being required to stand behind my Mom while she reads to me an entire month's worth of postings and updates from the Golden Child's Facebook. "Well isn't that just wonderful?" "Oh look, she told a funny joke! Oh isn't that a fabulous picture!" And there's nothing more fun than spending 20 hours a week or so running errands and helping out your Mom and the entire conversation centers around how your sister can poop rainbows, spin gold from air, and wears a halo likely granted to her from the Big Guy himself. Or I can cook her Thanksgiving dinner while she sits at the kitchen table and every single step and ingredient gets a comparison commentary of that wonderful holiday dinner my sister once cooked, over 15 years ago. Or one of my favorites, I got a Wine magazine in the mail and my Mom looked at it and told me I should send it to my Sister because she really does know everything about wine and she'd probably really enjoy my magazine.

Not that I have issues or anything.

Do we have the same mother???

 

[cabanafrau]

Do we have the same mother???

Are you the Golden Child then?

 

[wilkeliza]

I feel bad having to admit it but my cousin and I are the spoiled ones in my actual family haha. We kind of earned the spot though. My grandma stopped treating my brothers to dinners, cooking their favorite meals, or helping with vacation costs. However for my cousin and I (the only girls of 6 grandkids) we get what we ask for if grandma is able. I think it comes from the fact that I took a semester off from college and lived with my grandma and grandpa during my grandpa's battle with cancer and after their car crash and my cousin goes every other day to sit with my grandma. The 4 boys can't be bothered to even visit when grandma is in the hospital and barely made it to see my grandpa before he passed. I mean I live in NY and the family is in Texas and I see her more than my brothers ever do and they are only 45 minutes away.

We both tell our grandma there is no need to do the things she does or to make the extra effort but she does it because she says she loves us and only has so much time left so why not.

 

[RitaE]

My husband's family is kind of like that in regards to one brother and overstating accomplishments. Now my husband has multiple degrees, is published in scholarly articles, has sat in International Boards, and frequently presents on topics at high level Conferences. The brother works as a night security guard, not that there's anything wrong with that but he pretty much barely graduated from High School, spent over 10 years in and out of Community College accomplishing nothing and then floated from entry level job to entry level job.

The family legend is that he scored some really high score on some aptitude test when he was "In the Navy" and then the CIA tried to recruit him and the all the top Medical schools were calling and offering him full ride scholarships. Um, I was around during that time. He signed up for the Navy and made it through about 3 weeks of the training and then came back home to live with his Mom again. The was the extent of his "In the Navy." For years he called himself a Nurse but the fact of the matter is he never was even a CNA because he never even completed that certification, but he talked for years about that Nurses training he had "In the Navy." He did work for awhile in a Nursing home passing food trays and things. How they turned all that into a CIA spy (or maybe he was just so good at it none of us could notice?) and nearly a Doctor … well you got me.

Meanwhile, crickets chirping in the silence in regards to reactions on anything my husband accomplished. It's weird.

 

[BrianL]

It's hard to pick up a check with my parents around, but they don't do it selectively between me and my sister. They will usually insist on paying for everyone, even when we offer to pay. I can't imagine them making mys sister pay for her's, but picking up mine. I guess they still spoil both of us a bit.

 

[Jaya]

Are you the Golden Child then?

No, I'm the one who definitely does NOT do things as wonderfully as The Golden Child. What drives me most up the wall is that I can make a suggestion or come up with a plan and it gets shot down. Then shortly I hear, "Oh, __________ has the BEST suggestion (plan, idea)!!!" and it's exactly the idea I came up with. But since it's coming from The Golden Child, it's...uh...."golden".

 

[cabanafrau]

No, I'm the one who definitely does NOT do things as wonderfully as The Golden Child. What drives me most up the wall is that I can make a suggestion or come up with a plan and it gets shot down. Then shortly I hear, "Oh, __________ has the BEST suggestion (plan, idea)!!!" and it's exactly the idea I came up with. But since it's coming from The Golden Child, it's...uh...."golden".

I get it. My comment was just a lighthearted one.

I have a friend going through a pretty heartbreaking similar situation. At this point she's cut ties with her sister and has all but cut ties with her mom. I have a feeling that's a bad idea because I know she will torment herself if something happens to her mom, but I just try to give her some emotional support at this point. Sad, because she's an awesome person and a fabulous daughter.