Adult child abuse victims

[MariDisney]

I want to say this as kindly as possible, please do not take offense as it is certainly not meant that way. I have a background in psychology, although admittadly abuse is not my field.

I think it is awesome that you want to help your parnter as much as possible. That is certainly to be admired! I want to caution you, though, to be aware of the potential danger of ultimately defining yourself as the one who "saved" her from her bad situation. Try not to let too much of your identity and your relationship with her get tied up in the victim/savior roles. I'm sure there are many aspects of your relationship that we will never know. Make sure those aspects are getting attention they need and that the whole relationship doesn't become all about removing her from her mother. In the end, that is no more healthy than staying in the abusive situation.

Best of luck to you!

 

[The Orchid]

I want to say this as kindly as possible, please do not take offense as it is certainly not meant that way. I have a background in psychology, although admittadly abuse is not my field.

I think it is awesome that you want to help your parnter as much as possible. That is certainly to be admired! I want to caution you, though, to be aware of the potential danger of ultimately defining yourself as the one who "saved" her from her bad situation. Try not to let too much of your identity and your relationship with her get tied up in the victim/savior roles. I'm sure there are many aspects of your relationship that we will never know. Make sure those aspects are getting attention they need and that the whole relationship doesn't become all about removing her from her mother. In the end, that is no more healthy than staying in the abusive situation.

Best of luck to you!

The thing is, I really, really, really don't define myself as having been the one to save her! But when somebody comes on here saying that I'm not doing a darned thing for her, then I kinda have no choice but to explain that yes, I have done a lot and just because I have no plans to do it his/her way that does not mean I am not there for her and care for her. Truly, I was just so exasperated that no matter what I said, this person kept telling me to DO SOMETHING as though I were sitting on my fanny watching the person I love get abused. Ugh! That's enough to make a saint turn defensive.

The truth is, my gf has saved me in more ways than I could ever save her. I have lupus and MS, and when I met her I was as close to despair as I ever thought possible. The steroids made me gain a lot of weight, I felt ugly, unhealthy, and basically doomed. She is the one who came along and helped me to realize that life could still be worth living. She makes me feel beautiful again. I have been happier, free, and far, far more in control of my disease. She has made me realize that I'm a person and not an illness, and honestly, she has changed my life in so many ways that if anything, I tend to look at it as though she is the knight in shining armor!

Avoiding co-dependence has been very important to me, which is why I went into therapy very shortly after she and I started dating. I've been very glad along the way that I have had my therapist to talk to because I sometimes feel that my partner would like to hand over the power her mother used to have over her to me. It can be very hard at times because I feel she would happily give me what I want or give me my way all the time. I'm very honest with her when I think she is doing this and we step back and discuss this. That is something I admire very much about her...she is never afraid to look deep into her motives. I do my best to notice things when they become unhealthy and bring them up to her and we analyze the situation and usually come to a better place. One thing that used to drive me crazy is that she used to tell me I was perfect all the time. I don't want anybody to see me that way because I am an extremely flawed person! We all are! I told her it made me very uncomfortable when she said that because I know I'm not perfect and that the higher she puts me in the pedestal, the more it'll hurt us both when I go crashing down! So we talked it through and these days she tells me I'm perfect for her. But certainly she knows my flaws now that we've been together for a year!


95% of our relationship is about us. But you're right in that her mom is a huge issue and we are both very involved in trying to free her. It does seem to take up less and less of her time as she works through more issues, comes closer to her personal freedom, and confides more into her therapist.

But all that aside, yes, there really are many aspects of our relationship that I have not posted about here. When somebody comes to a message board and presents a problem in seek of advice, they rarely go into detail about the good....and in our case, the good is quite extensive. We really are wonderful partners and soul mates. When she left the military 13 years ago, it broke my heart and took years and years to get over her. I had moved on to other relatinships, but my heart was with her for a very, very long time. My feelings about her are not based on pity or the need to save her. Fourteen years ago, she didn't need saving, she was a very strong woman (and still is). Today, thirteen years later, she simply as a problem that she needed help in solving.

Thanks for posting. You do make a lot of good points. Sometimes it can be hard on a message board to stay focused on what you're trying to say and end up getting very defensive. Ugh. In some ways I feel I should have known better than to post this, but on the other hand I got a lot of good insight from the others and you as well!

 

[The Orchid]

I'm no therapist but this sounds a little like Emotional Incest. (Don't be scare by the name, it has nothing to do with sex.)

Remind her you're there for here. Mothers like that often pray on their child's self esteem with comments like: "you're all I have", "I'm all you've got", "Nobody will love you like I do". Your partner need to know she's NOT alone.

OMG! That is exactly what I called it! Emotional Incest. No kidding! Her mother is like the jealous wife and it's as though she sees me as "the other woman." You are absolutely spot on with that.

That's one thing I haven't gone into here, but omg that woman has been NASTY to me. Honestly, I have never had anybody hate me before, but this woman does. She hated me before she ever even saw me the first time. It was obvious she saw me as a huge threat.

 

[Judy from Boise]

not true, have you ever heard of sposal abuse?

I have seen several instances of this, be it domestic partners of the same sex, or husband and wife, and once a daughters boyfriend was abusing the parents of his girlfriend. Like the OP stated, once the abuser gains control of the victim, it can continue for years.

It is still a "toxic" enviroment for the victim, and very much needs to be addressed.

abuse of anyone, sexual, physical, or mental, is a violation of that persons basic civil rights.

Yes, I have heard of spousal abuse! It is a crime.....as soon as the person is willing to press charges. Until that step she is a competent adult who is tactically agreeing to whatever is going on.Legally there is nothing reportable.

 

[LUCiD]

I'm related to someone who used to be abused. ( Not saying who because I don't feel comfortable posting someone's name online without their permission.) He lives with his wife and kids now and his dad calmed down quite a bit now. ( His mom didn't abuse him though, to bad she passed away before I was born...)

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I think that if your abuser is a partner/husband/wife, then it's much easier because you can walk away. After some time passes you forget to some degree. I can say this because I was with a severely violent woman for five years and nearly didn't live to tell the story. That was years ago now and I never think about her now. It never occurred to me how lucky I am. I was able to completely dismiss her. But I think with the mother/daughter situation, society implies through TV, movies, music and books that you must not forget your mother, even if your mother is a terrible person which yours obviously is. The Bible even tells us that, doesn't it? Honor thy mother and thy father. How unfair. What an incredible burden these messages send to some people who were not lucky enough to be given what every child deserves...a loving mother. For what it's worth, I don't think many people really feel that way...that a parent should be honored just because they gave birth or were given a baby (my partner was adopted). But because most of us do have warm memories of our mothers, its so easy to assume that everybody does. And that is a terrible injustice for those who don't.

I can see your point. However, I was abused by my father as well as two boyfriends (physically and emotionally) and another boyfriend (just emotionally.) In some ways, the abuse from the romantic partners was harder to get through and I don't think I'll ever be completely over it. The reason, for me at least, is that I didn't choose my father so I don't see it as being my fault at all but it's hard to not see it as partially being my fault when I was the one who chose the other men who abused me.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I think the turning point is realizing you are an adult now and you don't have to put up with their **** anymore! Write it on a chalkboard over and over like Bart Simpson "I don't have to put up with her **** anymore".

That's what happened to me when I was 18 with my father. He hit me and made a comment about how I couldn't call Social Services...I'd have to call the cops. I hit him back instead and he never hit me again. Interestingly, that's the only time he remembers having hit me.

 

[minkydog]

That's what happened to me when I was 18 with my father. He hit me and made a comment about how I couldn't call Social Services...I'd have to call the cops. I hit him back instead and he never hit me again. Interestingly, that's the only time he remembers having hit me.

Isn't that sad

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

It is sad, but I can understand it. The bully hits and hits and stops when he gets hit back. I don't bring it up anymore and just accept that he was that way because in some other ways, he was and still is a wonderful father.

 

[starrzone]

This is hard for me to talk about..but I've finally realized that the "helpful" (her words) comments that my mother makes about my appearance are not normal. Like recently, when I put on weight, "You must have wanted to gain that weight". Yeah, I don't think that being diagnosed with depression, losing my job and having trouble in university would have had anything to do with it...

While I know that this is not abuse, I sympathize with the OP's partner's situation. When bad words and actions come from someone you're supposed to love and who is supposed to love you unconditionally, it really hurts.