adoption and the birth mother has borderline personality disorder

[cats_love_tigger]

generally I post under my regular name, but don't know how much the birth mom does searches for my regular username since its close to my email address.

ok, we are adopting and well the mom has a border line personality disorder.

Her interactions with us and the agency point to this.

I've looked a little on-line, haven't called the pediatrician we have picked out. Is this genetic or environmental?

Everyone wants a normal child, but I'm a little worried about this. In addition her father is in jail for some horrible offense. So, he has poor impulse control too. I know the birth mom probably didn't have the best environment growing up. She was at her moms for a while, her dad and her older sister.

I guess if you have adopted how do you face this issue. We don't want to adopt a child we can't "handle".

thanks

 

[momof1princess]

I found the following at this link:
http://www.minddisorders.com/A-Br/Borderline-personality-disorder.html

"The disorder has a genetic correlation since it occurs more commonly among first-degree relatives."

this doesn't necessarily mean your baby would have it, but if you're concerned, i would speak to a pediatrician. this site also says BPD is more common among women than men.

 

[mjkacmom]

I do know someone who adopted, and had issues with the child being bi-polar, and it's a tough road. The mom wasn't quite right (the biological mom went on having more children, who were also adopted out).

 

[Myothername]

First off I am no expert but I remember one of the most interesting courses I took in college was behavioral genetics. It covered the Minnisota Twin Study. That study pretty much showed that even little things about your personality are genetic. They had idential twins, separated at birth, and brought back together later in life. I remember one set of twins and their jewelry. They even wore the same kinds of rings on the same fingers. That said there are two sets of genes in this baby and genes pretty much give you the tendency toward a behavior. Environment may turn that tendency on or off.

 

[Myothername]

Also, I would consult a pediatrician and maybe a child psychologist to see if there are certain things you could do in rearing the child that might tend to steer the child away from those behaviors. Of course they may just poo-poo you and say you are worrying about nothing but if it was me I would want to know what could be done to nip it in the bud.

 

[LIDisneyFan]

I haven't been on the boards in almost a year and this is the first post I read-fate??

My DD and DS are adopted. There are no guarantees, either with an adoption or biological child. DD (now 19 and an honors student at a very competitive university) had a highly needy birth mother, never finished anything, and had some issues. DD is the opposite. DS (15) has ADD and other leaning issues, his Birth Mother was very mature and stable, his birth father did have some issues. What we have seen is that, having responsible, capable, invested parents can overcome a huge amount, and the child is better off for it. He is a good student, gets the attention he needs, has strong advocates for parents, and is,m by all account, a very normal well adjusted young man.

My point-again-no guarantees. If you are ready to be parents, you can 'handle it'. You'll be handling many many things as they grow (!!!!!!!), You sound like a good person who really cares - so you seem to have all the 'weapons' you need to win the child-rearing war.

No everyone who is bi-polar has a bi-polar child - - and there are huge levels oo any disease. If the child ends up with any disorder-you'll handle it, That's what we parents do

Oh -and congratulation-anyone who thinks adoption is easier than giving birth has never adopted. I am glad you have come this far in the process and wish you the best

 

[BEloveDisney]

Borderline Personality Disorder is genetic and is seen more often in females. Its tough to deal with but with boundaries, patience, treatment, and medication, it can be manageable. You have to be firm and understand that a lot of the behaviors stem from a fear of abandonment. Good luck!

 

[mrsxsparrow]

The worry I would have isn't about the child so much as the mom. My father and stepmother adopted a child two years ago from a mother who had personality issues and a father who had a history of jail time. They did everything right; they went through a reputable agency, they all signed the usual contracts, they met with the biological parents and all seemed fine. The biological parents had even put a baby up for adoption before, no problems. My father and stepmother took the baby home straight from the hospital and two months later they were slapped with a lawsuit. The biological parents had turned around and decided they wanted the baby back. They've been in and out of court now for two years. The suit is ridiculous and there's no way the biological parents would win, but the adopting parents don't get any help with a lawyer unless they pay (whereas the biological parents get free counsel), so the thought is that eventually my father and stepmother will run out of money and won't be able to defend themselves.

Now, they still don't regret adopting and they love their son. However, going into an adoption and knowing the biological mother has personality issues, please just be extra cautious. I would hope that there is no one else out there as crazy as the bio parents in my father's case, but you just never know. I hope everything works out for you and good luck on this new adventure

 

[cats_love_tigger]

The worry I would have isn't about the child so much as the mom. My father and stepmother adopted a child two years ago from a mother who had personality issues and a father who had a history of jail time. They did everything right; they went through a reputable agency, they all signed the usual contracts, they met with the biological parents and all seemed fine. The biological parents had even put a baby up for adoption before, no problems. My father and stepmother took the baby home straight from the hospital and two months later they were slapped with a lawsuit. The biological parents had turned around and decided they wanted the baby back. They've been in and out of court now for two years. The suit is ridiculous and there's no way the biological parents would win, but the adopting parents don't get any help with a lawyer unless they pay (whereas the biological parents get free counsel), so the thought is that eventually my father and stepmother will run out of money and won't be able to defend themselves.

Now, they still don't regret adopting and they love their son. However, going into an adoption and knowing the biological mother has personality issues, please just be extra cautious. I would hope that there is no one else out there as crazy as the bio parents in my father's case, but you just never know. I hope everything works out for you and good luck on this new adventure

We are a little worried about some of the legal issues. As it is, the birth mother is lots of drama. She got married to the birth father in the last few weeks. So, now that she is married, we have terminate the birth fathers rights in court as he is now a legal father. (his rights would have been terminated in another manner if they were not marred) Well, she doesn't understand this concept. She still says she is ok with the adoption.

to add to problems, we are not foster parents and can not become foster parents before the birth, its scheduled the week after xmas c-section. So, the baby has to go into foster care until his rights are terminated. Once his rights are terminated then we would get the baby given the birth father doesn't change his mind.

Our agency has given her a name of an attorney to talk with before the birth, (she doesn't pay for this we do). As we are concerned with her having representation to make sure is of sound mind. We kind of don't think she is going to go see the person. But hope for the best.

 

[Holly]

You can find a bunch of conflicting research, but I think that most people in the mental health field would say that there isn't any clearly supported genetic link when it comes to personality disorders and that its cause is psychosocial and not biological.

I would be a lot more worried about having to deal with the mother. Is it an open adoption?


Best of luck to you

 

[cats_love_tigger]

Yes, Holly it is an open adoption.

This has me really questioning if we should continue. The drama stress even before the placement has taken place has been considerable. We have periodic contact via email that would continue.

 

[mommytobug]

I am adoptive mom and i work in the mental health field. Are you sure it is Borderline and not Bipolar? Borderlines are very difficult to deal with but i have never read that it is a genetic concern. Most have had sexual abuse or other traumas and have trouble keeping boundaries. I always describe them to my new staff as someone who will "love them up just close enough to kick them back" We have an open adoption. Ours is totally open and we love it that way. When the agency says open, it can mean lots. It can mean she gets only your first name and exchanges letters and pics thru agency. I know how it feels to want a child so badly it hurts but you have to look at everything. Our daughter was born to a very healthy happy birthmom. When i look back over the last 12 years, i could say it has been difficult but i think it is just raising a child that is hard. She had heart surgery at 5, tubes in ears and asthma for first few years and was treated at st jude 2 years ago when we thought she had ewings sarcoma. I wouldn't change it for the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Holly]

Yes, Holly it is an open adoption.

This has me really questioning if we should continue. The drama stress even before the placement has taken place has been considerable. We have periodic contact via email that would continue.

My daughter was adopted through an open adoption. Her birth mother has a slew of mental health and substance abuse issues (including a personality disorder).

I wouldn't change anything about our adoption OTHER than have very limited and clearly outlined expectations in the adoption agreement. Contact via email would have been ideal for my situation. Once a year visits and monthly phone calls were not because bio-mom has VERY poor boundaries.

Email contact provides good boundaries. I wouldn't be concerned over that kind of open adoption.

I know it's such a hard decision to make. I hope everything works out for the best, whatever that may be.

 

[shortbun]

Most people adopt blind to these issues; we did. Anything can happen with any child. Most families have mental health and addiction issues as well as heart, diabetes and so forth. Having a baby is a crap shoot. There is no way to guarantee anything at any time with any child. We have friends who adopted a 5yo child from the foster system who had been abused severely and was a crack baby. They knew they were facing a battle and that is what they had. Their daughter is a beautiful 16yo now with few issues because her parents were strong and gave her love, discipline and a world she could count on. Good luck.

 

[C.Ann]

We are a little worried about some of the legal issues. As it is, the birth mother is lots of drama. She got married to the birth father in the last few weeks. So, now that she is married, we have terminate the birth fathers rights in court as he is now a legal father. (his rights would have been terminated in another manner if they were not marred) Well, she doesn't understand this concept. She still says she is ok with the adoption.

to add to problems, we are not foster parents and can not become foster parents before the birth, its scheduled the week after xmas c-section. So, the baby has to go into foster care until his rights are terminated. Once his rights are terminated then we would get the baby given the birth father doesn't change his mind.

Our agency has given her a name of an attorney to talk with before the birth, (she doesn't pay for this we do). As we are concerned with her having representation to make sure is of sound mind. We kind of don't think she is going to go see the person. But hope for the best.

This would be more worrisome for me than any issues the child might have (that's a chance you take even when you have your own biological children)..

Also wanted to give you a thumbs up for doing this.. I'm adopted myself and having learned in my very early teens what "might" have been my fate if I had remained with my birth mother (and the monster she married the second time around) made me realize just how very lucky I was..

Good luck with your decision..

 

[Maryr1]

Two things that might impact your adoption (that you might not have considered)-how old is your birth mom? If she is not 18 there can be other complications and she may have to be deposed (as well as the bio dad). Her atty and your atty should be aware of that. Second-because she is a c-section-the family court judge (or surrogate court judge depending) may require additional time after she is discharged from the hospital to let her system "clear" any pain medications she will recieve post operative until she can sign away her rights. All states have different laws so be prepared for last minute issues. In our state the birth mom releases her parental rights at a certain number of days post delivary and then 6 months after that it is final-it is VERY hard for her to change her mind after she signs. There has to be not only a change of heart, but a significant change of situation for the judge to even consider hearing her plea. Having an infant in foster care may impact some of this too. Good luck!

 

[rie'smom]

My mom is a borderline personality but none of her 5 children are/were. My daughter is adopted while our 2 sons are biologically ours. The thing is with any pregnancy there is a risk of some genetic anomaly. Sometimes things do not show up for a few generations, then blammo.
OP, if you are looking for perfect, you won't find it either biologically or through adoption. Even normal is different from family to family.
This said, our adoption attorney would not do open adoptions. He had an unstable birth mother who began stalking her child and the child's family. After that he refused to do them. Of course, this is uncommon but I did want to share because I feel it's important to know that these things do happen and not just in made for tv movies.

 

[Andtototoo]

I am very sorry to say this, but I would not proceed with this adoption if it is an open adoption. A former coworker was in a very similar situation and based upon her experience I would say this:

An open adoption with a mother with BPD is leaving you open to years of harassment, heartache, and legal troubles.

 

[inkedupmomma]

I have BPD, and I have to say, we have a long line of issues in my family, but I definitely feel that everything about my BPD leads back to my childhood and the way I was raised [or not raised, I suppose!]. BPD sounds VERY scary, and honestly it should be given a new name! I rarely tell anyone I have it, and honestly, unless you know me VERY well, you would never be able to tell I have it!

Be careful what you read about it, don't get yourself scared! I know when I started reading about it, i felt hopeless, like it was a jail sentence, it is def not! I have a great support system now though, and that helps tremendously!

 

[inkedupmomma]

Borderline Personality Disorder is genetic and is seen more often in females. Its tough to deal with but with boundaries, patience, treatment, and medication, it can be manageable. You have to be firm and understand that a lot of the behaviors stem from a fear of abandonment. Good luck!

Fear of abandonment is NOT genetic, but a learned trait. totally environmental.