Adoption: Agency vs. Private Attorney

[LukenDC]

My DH and I are beginning the process to adopt an infant. This will be a domestic adoption. Our home study is in progress and soon we will need to select either a private agency or attorney to lead the process.

I'm interested in hearing about the pros and cons of either approach (agency vs. attorney). We need a third party to identify a birth mother for us. We intend to do some networking, but have no interest in marketing ourselves via web pages, 1-800 numbers, or newspaper/magazine ads.

If you have had good experiences with an attorney or agency, feel free to make a recommendation. We are a same-sex couple, so any agency or attorney that we work with must be gay friendly.

 

[mickeyboat]

I don't have any advice on either of these choices, but I am wishing you good luck.

I don't know if you have considered this, but I know two couples (one gay) who have recently adopted healthy infants (ie brought them home from the hospital) through the foster care system.

 

[wiigirl]

I really can't give any advice, but I just wanted to wish you the BEST of luck.

 

[hops&dreams]

DH was a public adoption, and was in foster care for 4 months before being placed with his parents. It was through an agency that worked with the state. It took longer for his adoption to be finalized - I'm not quite sure why. He was 18 months before he was "free" as MIL puts it. His adoption also cost more than his sister's (below).

DH's sister was a private adoption and was in foster care for only 6 weeks before being placed with their parents. She came to them much more "newborn" than DH and her adoption was final before she was 1 year old. They got (I don't know a better word for it) SIL through a catholic adoption organization. Because they aren't Catholic, they were pushed down on the waiting list - available babies were placed with Catholic parents before them. They knew that going in, but it took them 4 years before they came up on the list. I guess all the catholics within that agency/attorney's waiting list had already had their requests fulfilled. Her adoption cost less overall, but took much more waiting. I'm not sure if it was less expensive because maybe the Catholic organization absorbed some of the cost?

Please keep in mind that all that info (above) is from the 80's. Below is what I found out when we looked into it in 2010 and after.

I do know that minority and mixed race babies will be much quicker for you to get than a caucasian (white) baby.

I also know that in my state, you can expect to spend about $20,000 for all adoption fees, background checks, etc. And that is if we were going through a closed, public adoption - pretty much a baby that was abandoned at the hospital. And if we only had to do 1 homestudy, assuming a baby was placed with us in that initial time-frame, before we had to get it redone/updated.

DH and I (obviously) thought about adopting a few years back, but we really couldn't stomach the $20,000. We just wanted to give an otherwise unwanted baby a loving home and family. In a few years (when the house is paid off), we will begin the process of becoming foster parents and revisit the idea of adopting.

I'm not sure if I was helpful at all, but I just wanted to offer what I knew. I wish you the best of luck in growing your family!

 

[GAGirlInVA]

DH and I adopted our oldest son through a local private agency. Thankfully they had a sliding scale, and between that, the adoption benefit my husband's work offered and the tax credit, the adoption cost us nothing in the end.

We waited 2 weeks from the time our homestudy was approved to being matched with a one week old baby boy. Our homestudy was written as open as possible because we wanted to be open to the child that God had for our family. That is our comfort level. Because we were so open, we didn't wait long at all.

If our adoption would have failed, they would have applied the fees to another placement.

When we start another adoption (in 2015) we will go with the same agency. They only place babies with families in my state. I adore our agency and the social worker we worked with. We still keep in touch.

 

[LukenDC]

Thank you for the good wishes! This is a very exciting endeavor and my DH and I are thrilled with the prospect of building a family.

Hops&dreams, thank you for sharing your DH's adoption story. My father and my maternal grandfather were adopted. My father's adoption was arranged by a physician while my grandfather's adoption was covered in the Cleveland newspaper. The newspaper ran articles asking "Who will Adopt Baby Charles?" and covered the open house that his birth mother hosted to select his adoptive parents. The public nature of his adoption and some other aspects of it were very unusual for the 1920s and my family is still trying to understand what it all means.

 

[Piglets Mommy]

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to wish you the best of luck in building your family!

 

[Handbag Lady]

I worked with a lady who did a private adoption through an attorney. He found the expectant mother for her through newspaper ads, and was very expensive. It was an open adoption; the mother was flown from her state to our state and lived with my friend until after the birth. It was weird, as the birth mother had a young daughter that came along, too.

Because of the familiarity, the birth mother contacted my friend on two occasions to ask for more money a few months after the birth and after she went home. The first time, she just handed over the money. The second time, she had to insist it was the last time she could do this, as it started to feel like my friend was "buying" a child and it put my friend in such an awkward position.

When asked, she said she'd do it all over again to get her daughter, but her story is so interesting. I had no idea at the time that such things even existed.

 

[LukenDC]

I worked with a lady who did a private adoption through an attorney. He found the expectant mother for her through newspaper ads, and was very expensive. It was an open adoption; the mother was flown from her state to our state and lived with my friend until after the birth. It was weird, as the birth mother had a young daughter that came along, too.

Because of the familiarity, the birth mother contacted my friend on two occasions to ask for more money a few months after the birth and after she went home. The first time, she just handed over the money. The second time, she had to insist it was the last time she could do this, as it started to feel like my friend was "buying" a child and it put my friend in such an awkward position.

I've learned that most adoptions these days are open, meaning that there is some contact with the birth mother after the child is adopted. The extent of contact is usually negotiated and can range from periodic visits to an annual letter with photos. My DH and I are fine with open adoption and even with a closed adoption we would always be honest with the child about how he came to join our family. There is nothing shameful about adoption and I believe that honesty is always best.

We are not, however, looking to add a third adult to our family, so the relationship that your friend generously fostered with the birth mother would not work for us. If we had to pay living expenses, we would do so through the attorney or agency.

 

[ChitownFamily]

I know this is a very personal topic and there will be happy stories from both sides of the question. Here are my thoughts.
i'm adopted from a private adoption agency in the US. My sister was adopted from Korea from the same agency.
My DH & I adopted domestically also from the same agency. It was what was familiar to us. We did look at some other agencies, but between costs & comfort- we ended up at the same one.
Personally, I always advice friends who are looking to adopt, to go with an agency. For two reasons, that I feel very strongly about. Not everyone will feel the same way i do.
1. If any issue occurs post adoption, the agency (at least any decent agency) offers post adoption services. They may offer a post adoption support group. At the very least they will have an adoption social worker you can contact with questions or concerns. Something like Handbag Lady's co worker's situation happened to us.BUT because we worked with an agency, we had more avenue to explore & The birth mother had her own social worker who could provide resources/assistance & coach her on what may or may not be appropriate or legal.

I worked with a lady who did a private adoption through an attorney. He found the expectant mother for her through newspaper ads, and was very expensive. It was an open adoption; the mother was flown from her state to our state and lived with my friend until after the birth. It was weird, as the birth mother had a young daughter that came along, too.

Because of the familiarity, the birth mother contacted my friend on two occasions to ask for more money a few months after the birth and after she went home. The first time, she just handed over the money. The second time, she had to insist it was the last time she could do this, as it started to feel like my friend was "buying" a child and it put my friend in such an awkward position.

When asked, she said she'd do it all over again to get her daughter, but her story is so interesting. I had no idea at the time that such things even existed.

2nd reason, any agency worth their fee will work with all sides of the adoption triad (adoptive person, the adoptive parent & birth mom)

If a woman was considering making an adoption plan for her unborn child, she was assigned a social worker. This social worker provided opportunities for counseling, offered resources (like food stamps) I feel our adoption agency, REALLY made sure the birth moms were provided LOTS OF OPTIONS! I never felt like birth mom's were being paid (illegal) or coerced into giving their baby up for adoption. THAT is so very important to me. As a parent now, I don't want anyone to make this decision of making an adoption plan without FULLY knowing all the available resources & knowing they made the right decision for themselves....for their life..not just what is happening right now.

hope this info helps! Keep us posted!

 

[shortbun]

Our "open" adoption soon became nothing. It was too difficult for our birth mother to stay in contact, emotionally. We have not heard from her in 17 years; our son is 18. There is just no routine adoption. We planned to use an agency and were investigating international adoption. We ended up in a private, domestic adoption. Just be open to anything. That's the best advice I can give you-flexibility. Good luck to you! Adoption is a beautiful way to make a family!!!

 

[DopeyDame]

We adopted internationally, so it's a different process, but some thoughts:
1. Make sure there is a method for our birth mother (and bdad if involved), have legit, unbiased counseling. The best, most reputable adoption agencies will have social workers who work exclusively with pregnant women, making sure they understand their options and the support available if they do decide to parent. Some adoption attorneys wok with private social workers or counselors, but not all do. However it happens, make sure the prospective birth parents have help and guidance separate from yoi.
2. Like others have mentioned, a benefit of an agency is that finances can be managed through them, so you aren't in the position of verifying expenses yourself.
3. Adoption rules are very state specific, so be careful when reading about stories on the Internet.

Good luck!

 

[DWGal210]

I don't have any sage advice but I'm looking to possibly adopt in the next year or so, as well. I'm open to either domestic or international adoption, so I'm also interested in what other posters have to say.

Congratulations to you and your DH! What an exciting time!

 

[Handbag Lady]

Oh, yes! I forgot to add that I wish you the best of luck and congrats on starting your larger family!

 

[cabanafrau]

DH was a public adoption, and was in foster care for 4 months before being placed with his parents. It was through an agency that worked with the state. It took longer for his adoption to be finalized - I'm not quite sure why. He was 18 months before he was "free" as MIL puts it. His adoption also cost more than his sister's (below).

DH's sister was a private adoption and was in foster care for only 6 weeks before being placed with their parents. She came to them much more "newborn" than DH and her adoption was final before she was 1 year old. They got (I don't know a better word for it) SIL through a catholic adoption organization. Because they aren't Catholic, they were pushed down on the waiting list - available babies were placed with Catholic parents before them. They knew that going in, but it took them 4 years before they came up on the list. I guess all the catholics within that agency/attorney's waiting list had already had their requests fulfilled. Her adoption cost less overall, but took much more waiting. I'm not sure if it was less expensive because maybe the Catholic organization absorbed some of the cost?

Please keep in mind that all that info (above) is from the 80's. Below is what I found out when we looked into it in 2010 and after.

I do know that minority and mixed race babies will be much quicker for you to get than a caucasian (white) baby.

I also know that in my state, you can expect to spend about $20,000 for all adoption fees, background checks, etc. And that is if we were going through a closed, public adoption - pretty much a baby that was abandoned at the hospital. And if we only had to do 1 homestudy, assuming a baby was placed with us in that initial time-frame, before we had to get it redone/updated.

DH and I (obviously) thought about adopting a few years back, but we really couldn't stomach the $20,000. We just wanted to give an otherwise unwanted baby a loving home and family. In a few years (when the house is paid off), we will begin the process of becoming foster parents and revisit the idea of adopting.

I'm not sure if I was helpful at all, but I just wanted to offer what I knew. I wish you the best of luck in growing your family!

Hops&Dreams, I worked for several years in the juvenile section of our family court & I understand the likely differences between your adoption stories. Your DH had birth parents or parent who were working with the court to regain custodial rights and maintain their parental rights. Your DH was "free" to be adopted once his birth parents' rights were terminated or relinquished and the appellate clock had run out. Your SIL was with a Catholic agency for foster care and then adoption placement and her case was either much shorter in duration for whatever reason, or more likely her case was further through the system when your ILs were given initial guardianship -- likely because she had older siblings who had an ongoing case when she was born.

BTW, my DH is a devoted craftbrewer, too. We have a lovely kegerator in the basement to back that claim, and I'm sure you can likely relate.

 

[indygirl99]

My adoption story is from 23 years ago and had good and bad. We tried both private and agency and ended up adopting a little girl through a private attorney.

Congrats and good luck on your journey to grow your family.

Just to throw another thought your way have you thought of surrogacy? I work in Portland Oregon and we have quite a few same sex families that go that route. Oregon has very favorable laws for adoption and surrogacy.

 

[malibuconlee]

One route I don't think many people think about is to talk to your OB/GYN. The practice in the town I gave birth to had an agency they worked with. I worked at the hospital in that town and we actually had more babies that were adopted than I would have thought.

I worked in Medical Records and we had some strange and interesting situations.

 

[LukenDC]

Just to throw another thought your way have you thought of surrogacy? I work in Portland Oregon and we have quite a few same sex families that go that route. Oregon has very favorable laws for adoption and surrogacy.

We want to have the same relationship with the child, so surrogacy---where one of us is biologically related and the other is not---is not an option for us.

 

[Gracie09]

We want to have the same relationship with the child, so surrogacy---where one of us is biologically related and the other is not---is not an option for us.

You can use your eggs and sperm for surrogacy. The surrogate is just the gestational carrier. And from personal experience once that baby is born it doesn't matter whose egg or sperm was used to make him or her. You all love them the same

 

[aprilchem]

You can use your eggs and sperm for surrogacy. The surrogate is just the gestational carrier. And from personal experience once that baby is born it doesn't matter whose egg or sperm was used to make him or her. You all love them the same

I think the OP said they are a same-sex couple, and it sounds like they are both men (he used the term DH, which leads me to believe that). So if using a surrogate the baby would only be genetically related to one of them.

OP, I would think you would have better luck going though an attorney, at least in my experience. When we were trying to adopt there were no agencies in our area that placed with same-sex couples, and I don't believe that my state will either. There were a lot of other restrictions as well; many agencies in our area won't place an infant if one parent is over age 40, for example, but I know there are some who do.

If you live in a more liberal area of the country than I do (I live in Virginia) you may have better luck with an agency, but I'd say you might start by finding an attorney who has handled same-sex adoptions before.