? about weddings and showers

[poohtown]

if you're going to the shower and wedding, do you usually do one large gift at the shower or do you do both? I'm curious because lately it seems people don't bring presents to a wedding, just a check. I have a wedding coming up and I have a great idea for a present but I couldn't afford to do this at the shower plus a big check at the wedding.

 

[TEENEE]

It depends on who is getting married. If I'm close to the bride or groom I will spend more for a shower and wedding gift. If I'm not close to either of them I will buy two smaller gifts. I don't feel comfortable giving a check. I like giving presents.

 

[stinkerbelle]

I usually give a gift at the shower and a check at the wedding.
for the following reasons:
1. I don't like lugging a "gift" to the wedding - a check in a card is easier.
2. One less gift for the bride/groom to have packed up and sent back to their home.
3. I'm cheap and refuse to "send" a gift to the couples house. So that's why I do a check.

For close friends/family I usually spend about $100 on a shower gift (off the registry) and then $100-$200 as the wedding gift (from me and my DH attending)

Don't feel you have to give a 'big check"...or a 'big gift'...give what you can afford to give.

 

[CamColt]

I usually give a gift off the registry or a gift certificate to one of the stores they are registered at for the shower. Then DH & I give a check for the wedding.

 

[caitycaity]

when we buy gifts for a wedding, we buy them online from their registry and have it shipped to the address specified. much easier than lugging a gift to the wedding.

i usually buy gifts for both the wedding and the shower.

 

[Christine]

Two separate events, two separate gifts.

This is not a situation where you can say "hey, I'm going to combine your gifts and get you one large gift." Sort of like what people do to me on my birthday because it is 5 days after Christmas.

This couple is going to receive your magnificent shower gift and think "wow, she is generous." And then for the wedding, they will think that you didn't get them a gift. Unless of course you can explain this to them.

 

[helenabear]

If I go to both, I get two separate gifts (usually off of the wedding registry). If possible, I drop the gift off before or just after the wedding (that day though) because I have been told that bringing a gift to the wedding isn't the "right" way to do it. Sometimes there is no way around it though. For my friend's wedding, I got her a separate shower gift and wedding gift. I do have two showers of hers to go to, but am not bringing a gift the second time.

 

[Aimeedyan]

I've found this to be regional... I had never HEARD of buying a gift for the shower and the wedding until I started posting on the Knot chatboards. Neither had any of my friends! At my wedding, which had 500 invited, we did not receive ANY wedding *and* shower gifts from anyone... those that attended a shower did not bring a wedding gift, and I never expected them to. I had several showers... I have never given a gift to both... I always thought of the shower being a time to spend with the couple (or bride) in which you could bring your gift for them and get to see them open it and stuff... instead of just leaving it on a table at the wedding.

All that to say, don't let what other regions do sway what you do. If its normal in your area to just do a check at the wedding, and small gift at a shower - do that. I haven't changed the way I do things just because I've learned people in other areas do it differently... ESPECIALLY after being married and learning we're not the only ones who see it that way! LOL =)

And the price of average gifts is regional... here, we never received any gifts more than $50 total. With the exception of a check from my grandfather - that was tops - even from close family and friends. Then I hear that people in other areas give couples $200 for their wedding, and another $100 shower gift. Just not the norm, here.

Like I said, I'm glad we had a big wedding so I could gauge if *I* do things normally for my area and such...

So, if it was my wedding, I would only expect one thing from you, so your gift at the shower would be fine. But I don't know how things are there where you are... so it's hard to tell you what to do. If you have a great idea for a gift, go with that and don't worry about the check! I promise the couple is not going to hold it against you, they will just be thankful for the gift you gave and that you attended their big day.

THat was long, sorry.

 

[ScarlettO]

Originally posted by Aimeedyan


All that to say, don't let what other regions do sway what you do. If its normal in your area to just do a check at the wedding, and small gift at a shower - do that. I haven't changed the way I do things just because I've learned people in other areas do it differently... ESPECIALLY after being married and learning we're not the only ones who see it that way! LOL =)

And the price of average gifts is regional... here, we never received any gifts more than $50 total.
THat was long, sorry.

I agree completely!

Every area does things differently, and you should do what the local customs are. Things on the East coast(houses, weddings, gift cost) seem very much higher than in other areas, I find.

 

[Winka]

Ditto the above two posters-very region-specific!

I do find it a bit much lately tho...not only is there a wedding and the shower, oftentimes there's an engagement party too, which will prompt some people to bring gifts (usually much smaller in nature than either a wedding or shower gift but still...)

And heaven forbid if you are part of the bridal party too!


Is there no way to maybe break up the gift idea you had...let one be a teaser for the other? Gourmet coffees and grinder at the shower and a coffeemaker sent to the couple's home as the wedding gift, for instance?

 

[HauntedMansionGeek]

I would add to Aimeedyan's suggestions that you don't do more than you are able to.
Even IF everyone else is giving something bigger or more money, if you can't afford it then don't do it.

When I got married it was a big wedding and the variety of wedding/shower gifts was interesting. Some folks overwhelmed us with their generosity and others, who we knew couldn't afford it, just gave something small and simple. (several brought nothing but the smiles on their faces! that was enough for me!!)

My feeling is/was that the gifts were unimportant. The wedding wasn't held as a way to "get" things, but as a way to share the event with our family and friends. The gifts are secondary.

 

[skuttle]

I always figure out how much I want to spend and then divide that between the shower and wedding (and any other party that comes up....some people go so overboard with the extra parties! ). I tend to get something more decorative/fun for the shower and something more "useful" for the wedding.

 

[kadaten]

Here in the south, check-writing hasn't much caught on (thank goodness). I just think it's so impersonal... But this seems to be a regional thing, so do whatever is customary where you are...

If you attend a shower, you must bring a gift.
If you attend the wedding, ditto. And we always send a present even if we can't go to the wedding. I think Miss Manners says if you were invited you should send a gift (but does tell brides NOT to invite more people just to get more gifts...)

Anyway, I usually do a small to medium gift at the shower and a larger one at the wedding.

For your dilemma, I'd save the big thing for the wedding and give a smaller gift at the shower

 

[poohtown]

thank you everyone. I read each comment and received alot of usefull and understanding words. I actually think I've found a solution. I was talking to someone else who is attending and I talked to her about splitting the cost. That way we'll bring two presents without having to sacrifice the original one. I liked the idea of splitting it up as another poster mentioned but couldn't figure out a way of doing it.

 

[Kismet Kitty]

My feeling is/was that the gifts were unimportant. The wedding wasn't held as a way to "get" things, but as a way to share the event with our family and friends. The gifts are secondary.

Very good thoughts. I totally agree.