About having your own children

[chell]

Is there anyone else around here who is somewhat glad that they did not have children of their own because of problems you are afraid they may have later in life?

As many of you know I recently lost my husband (ex but that doesn't matter to my heart especially since we had just decided to give it one more try). Last night I talked to our oldest niece and after getting off the phone with her and thinking about the rest of his side of the family I am now really glad that he and I never had children because seriously this is one blood line that doesn't need to keep continuing. Now don't get all upset with me before you hear what I have to say.

Junior and his oldest brother had/have some mental issues, as did their mother. We all thought their mother's problems were brought on by the death of her husband. But now I wonder if there wasn't more to it. This didn't make me love her any less though. But Junior's oldest brother is bi-polar and I believe Junior was as well. Well last night when I talked to the two kids, who are 19 & 18, I realized they have many of the same problems now. My nephew is already on disability because of being mentally unstable. My niece, the 18 year old, is on a lot of medicine for depression, high sugar, high blood pressure, bi-polar, etc.

How can an 18 year old kid be in such bad shape? Gosh the things she said to me last night about her sugar and her blood pressure sounded just like Junior. I worry about what these kids will continue to face in life. But I know there is nothing I can do but love them and be here for them.

To try to sum up my long story even though Junior wanted a child of his own so badly I am now sort of glad (if that is the right word) that we never had children of our own, especially knowing how much the same physical and mental problems continue in his family. It wouldn't be fair to bring a child into this world knowing there was a huge chance that they would be messed up with uncontrollable high blood pressure and high sugar as well as the mental problems. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't love the child unconditionally.

It doesn't really matter because the decision was taken out of my hands long ago and I can never have a child of my own. Now I am starting to understand why.

 

[disneylizzy]

 

[EthansMom]

We have a toddler and a preschooler, both of whom have respiratory problems (asthma). Asthma runs in both of our families. Also, both kids got lactose intolerance from DH's side of the family. But, our children are a great joy to us and we'll keep them despite the sleepless nights.

We do have a distant relative who had a child with severe genetic problems (in constant distress, will have a significantly reduced life span). Before they had another child, the couple had genetic testing done which told them they stood a 90% chance of having another child with the same problems. The couple chose to have another child and the second child has the same genetic problems, but worse. Neither child will ever have anything resembling a normal life and will spend their short lives in and out of doctor's offices. No one in the family can understand why the couple chose to have the second child.

to you, chell! You never know what your future will hold.

 

[chell]

Thanks DisneyLizzy and Ethan's Mom.

Guess I am still venting and depressed and need an outlet. I don't mean to keep being so down but right now I really can't help it. Guess it is still all part of the process.

 

[we3disneygo]

 

[barkley]

i was just thinking about this the other nite. we have nephews (by my dh's half brother), one of whom is getting married in the summer. this past week the boys aunt (his mothers' sister) had a bad psychotic episode (she is bi-polar and has a several other mental health issues). as it happens, this newphew has an aunt by his father (another half sib to my dh) who is bi-polar, schitzophrenic...and has been in and out of hospitalization for years.

while i'm sure the boy knows about his aunts, i believe he is not fully understanding of the extent of their medical conditions (or that at least on his father's side there have been generations of mental health issues). while it is not mine nor my husband's place to disclose this to him, i pray that his parents will make him aware of this so he can factor his decision to have children into it.

 

[luvwinnie]

We chose not to have kids for various other reasons, but I can certainly understand your point.

 

[Disney Doll]

We were unable to have kids, but as I get older and hear the problems that my contemporaries are having with their kids, especially their teenagers, I am starting to think that God knew what He was doing!!!

 

[goofygirl]

Yes, I am glad every day I hear the conversations of parents that I didn't have children.

Normal, healthy children are enough work, I couldn't imagine dealing with children who have problems.

 

[KimR]

I am so sorry, chell.

 

[becka]

Asthma and alleriges (including the dreaded peanut allergy) run on my DH's side of the family - including DH who is an asthmatic and has an allergy to legumes (nuts, beans, peas, soy). Both of my kids have shown signs of asthma and have eczema and other allergy issues. DS is apparently sensitive to eggs and I am staring to think that DD has an issue with dairy since her eczema seems to flare up more lately. We knew that was a risk but it obviously did not stop us. Asthma and allergies are certainly not something I would have chosen to deal with but they are not life threatening in most cases. I certainly do not feel we have made a mistake.

 

[golfgal]

I know I joke about things like DS inheriting DH's teeth, soft teeth that are going to require a lot of upkeep in his future, and that I should have checked DH's teeth before we got married. My teeth are very hard and I have only had a couple cavities, all since the kids have come along.

I think if DH or I had severe medical issues or had a lot of family members with such, especially mental issues that are difficult to treat, I would have had serious thoughts about having children. Your common medical problems like Asthma and allergies are one thing, but serious genetic issues that will give them a poor quality of life are another thing.

We know a couple that had a child born with some pretty serious problems. At first they thought it was some kind of freak birth defect but it turned out to be a genetic problem. They had another child a few years later with the same problems. Their son died a couple years ago, he would be 13 now, same age as our oldest. Their DD is 10 and probably won't make it another year or two. I couldn't live my life knowing that my child wouldn't survive into their teen years.

 

[Minnesota!]

I just wanted to give you ((((hugs)))).

You truly sound like you are greiving. I have never been in your exact spot, but I know what lost love feels like. I pray for healing for you...

 

[Towncrier]

You can always come up with a list of good reasons NOT to have children. My wife developed epilepsy a couple of years after giving birth to our second child. She feels a great deal of guilt in that she fears that she may have passed on those genes to our kids. But on the other hand, our lives (and I repeat OUR lives) would seem empty without our two children.

I cannot imagine our lives without kids. But then again, I've had 18 years to get used to having one or two of them around.

to you Michelle

 

[chell]

Thanks for all of the kind words and hugs.

Junior's oldest brother has 3 children and we used to be so close to them. Actually they even lived with us for a while. It is good to be back in touch with them but I hate that we have found one another again because of Junior's death. It feels good to hear their voices again. The youngest just called, she is now 15, and melted my heart. I remember holding her as a baby and watching her all the time. I had her so spoiled. So far she seems mentally stable. Thank goodness!

I do worry about the other two because of their problems. I don't want them to get completely crazy and try to harm themselves or others. That is a problem Junior and his brother have had. Actually the 19 year old has already been in jail for trying to choke a guy.

God does have a plan for me that doesn't include children of my own but I sure do love the little ones that come into my life other ways.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Chell, you made the right decision. I would not bring a child into the world who would have a life of physical or mental challenges (no I would not test and abort) just to prove I can make a baby. If I wanted to be a mom, then I would have adopted a child.