a Wedding/ Etiquette/ Responsibility question

[johnsontrio]

I personally think that one of the people with all these opinions should step to the plate and host a separate event that the "out of town guests but not needed at the rehearsal dinner" folks can attend. They do not need to sit through a formal meal and you do not need the added expense of having them there. They would probably be happier at a less formal event where they can visit with family and friends and not have to dress up and in some cases, drag their children along.

If the majority of the guests are staying in the same hotel, why not have wine and appetizers in one of the hospitality suites? Maybe a family member in town would open their home to your out of town guests for a simple meal. Are you putting together some sort of information packet for your out of town guests that they will receive at check-in? If so, put in some information regarding a dinner location for those guests and ask a friend to act as the host. There is no reason to single them out as guests not attending the rehearsal dinner. If they are not in the wedding party or immediate family, they don't expect to be at the rehearsal dinner.

 

[mjkacmom]

Around here, all out of town guests are invited to the rehearsal dinner.

 

[mjkacmom]

ILuckily, my son and his fiance chose a smaller venue for the rehearsal dinner and we can only invite 32 people.

I think the whole "everyone to the rehearsal dinner" is a regional thing -- I'd never heard of it where I came from in Pennsylvania.

So, go with what you want to do.

Edie

LOL - regional differences! Here the bride and the groom really don't have a say in the venue for the rehearsal dinner (I know I didn't), since it's hosted by the groom's parents.

 

[Mkrop]

I love these etiquette questions on the board, where all the "experts" make their decrees. Facing this question myself as the mother-of-the-groom, I went to a real expert Emily Post and here was her answer:
Q.
Is it necessary to invite all out-of-towners to the rehearsal dinner? We have so many I fear the rehearsal will be nearly as large as the wedding.

A.
Out-of-towners can be invited if your budget and the circumstances allow, but it's by no means a must. Traditionally the rehearsal dinner consists of the bride and groom, all attendants and their spouses or partners, the couple's immediate families and the clergyperson and his or her spouse. However, in our increasingly mobile society, with so many people traveling to attend weddings, inviting out-of-towners has become a trend. If you choose to include some and not others, do so in a clear-cut way - for instance, only relatives but not friends. As a thoughtful gesture toward those not included, you may offer recommendations for local restaurants. One of your attendants or someone who lives in the area may wish to take this on. Or you can send information by mail, e-mail or post it on your wedding Web site.


Luckily, my son and his fiance chose a smaller venue for the rehearsal dinner and we can only invite 32 people.

I think the whole "everyone to the rehearsal dinner" is a regional thing -- I'd never heard of it where I came from in Pennsylvania.
So, go with what you want to do.

Edie

On this side of PA, the Philly side, out of town guests are invited to the rehearsal dinner.

We had them at our rehearsal dinner when we got married almost 15 years ago.

My brother got married in May and only had a few out of towners and they were also invited.

Two years ago we traveled to Tampa for my cousins wedding. Aunts, uncles, cousins etc. We were all invited to the rehearsal dinner. It was served buffet style in a restuarant in a mall. Very casual but fun because it afforded more time for family to visit one another.

 

[CrzyforPiglet]

Quote:
Originally Posted by aprilgail2
The last 2 out of town weddings I went to included breakfast with the bride and groom at the hotel the next morning- it was very nice.

I won't even see my groom on the day of the wedding til the ceremony...so this ain't happening

Not to stress you out anymore but I think what aprilgail2 meant is that some brides and grooms host a breakfast for out of town guests the day AFTER the wedding. I've been to plenty of out of town weddings and have only been to a breakfast the day after a couple of times so I don't think it is that common or anything to worry about. That being said I too have always been invited to the rehearsal and dinner if I was coming from out of town for a wedding. Think of it as being a good host/hostess - if you were having just a couple of family members visit you overnight I suspect you would take them to dinner (or make it), maybe show them the city, etc. Obviously this is different because its your wedding and not a casual sleepover but I'm sure your mom would feel awkward having family members travel to a city they may or may not have ever been to before and telling them well there is a McDonald's down the road if you're hungry - KWIM? I know changing your venue wouldn't be your first choice but a couple of the best rehearsal dinners I've been too have been at a local pizza parlor so it doesn't need to be fancy just fun. Good luck and have an enjoy your wedding!

 

[PigletsMommy]

The last 2 out of town weddings I went to included breakfast with the bride and groom at the hotel the next morning- it was very nice.

I won't even see my groom on the day of the wedding til the ceremony...so this ain't happening

I think this poster was meaning the day AFTER the wedding, not the day of the wedding. We did something like this also, but did not pay for it.


I had several out of town guests at our wedding and, yes, I invited them to our rehearsal dinner. However, our dinner was BBQ dinner and was in a room in the back of the church. It was very casual. People came in toward the end of our rehearsal, sat in the back of the church, and then we all had dinner together. After dinner we invited everyone to go out & see the night life (we live near Nashville). My mom took a group & went downtown Nashville & I took a group to visit some haunted houses.

I also told everyone we would be having brunch at a local restaurant with our family before we left for our honeymoon on Sunday morning....and that they could stop in if they wanted! We did not pay for anyone's meals.


I just want to say that the reasoning I did these things was not because of etiquette. I honestly did not even think of etiquette when we were planning the weekend. It was because of a wedding I had been invited to years ago, when we were not invited to any functions other than the wedding/reception. We didn't know anyone, other than the groom & his immediate family. We did not know the area. Other than getting dinner for ourselves & sitting in a hotel room...it was pretty boring. We payed a lot of money in flights, hotel, and gifts. It would have been NICE to feel included in the weekend events.

 

[Disneycrazymom]

What time will most of the out of town guests arrive? Will they be there the whole day? If so it would be nice to find them some kind of dinner plan. Do you have an aunt, close friend of the family that would be willing to host a bbq or even a "catered" dinner during the rehearsal that they could go to and then you could stop in after the more formal dinner? Remember that even fast food places like Fazoli's will make up pans of pasta to be picked up and warmed up at home. If I were the guest I would enjoy this more than going to the more formal dinner where you are giving out your gifts and spending time with the wedding party. I also would not expect the bride to be out late entertaining me the night before her wedding day but I would like to get to see her for a minute.

Remember these are your family and friends. Most likely they care a good deal about you or they would not have made the trip. They will see your heart and good intentions. Do what you feel is right making them feel welcome to your special weekend. If you are thoughtful (and it sounds like you are trying to be) they will know you are well intentioned with your plans. Don't worry about the 1 or 2 who will find fault just do what you think is best to let them know you care about them.

 

[klacey1]

I have honestly never heard of this. My cousin got married last year, and if out of town guests had been invited to the rehearsal dinner, 90% of her guests would have been invited.
Do what you want. If I was coming from out of town, I would NOT expect to be invited!

 

[Scurvy]

I love these etiquette questions on the board, where all the "experts" make their decrees. Facing this question myself as the mother-of-the-groom, I went to a real expert Emily Post and here was her answer:
Q.
Is it necessary to invite all out-of-towners to the rehearsal dinner? We have so many I fear the rehearsal will be nearly as large as the wedding.

A.
Out-of-towners can be invited if your budget and the circumstances allow, but it's by no means a must. Traditionally the rehearsal dinner consists of the bride and groom, all attendants and their spouses or partners, the couple's immediate families and the clergyperson and his or her spouse. However, in our increasingly mobile society, with so many people traveling to attend weddings, inviting out-of-towners has become a trend. If you choose to include some and not others, do so in a clear-cut way - for instance, only relatives but not friends. As a thoughtful gesture toward those not included, you may offer recommendations for local restaurants. One of your attendants or someone who lives in the area may wish to take this on. Or you can send information by mail, e-mail or post it on your wedding Web site.


Luckily, my son and his fiance chose a smaller venue for the rehearsal dinner and we can only invite 32 people.

I think the whole "everyone to the rehearsal dinner" is a regional thing -- I'd never heard of it where I came from in Pennsylvania.

So, go with what you want to do.

Edie

I was surprised to see so many people claiming that etiquette dictates that out-of-towners must be invited to the rehearsal dinner, since I've never seen an actual etiquette expert say that! Sure, there's nothing wrong with inviting whoever you want to invite, but there's nothing wrong with keeping it small if that's what works best for you. I think some people are confusing their opinions and the customs in their social circles with actual "rules" of etiquette.

I do think if you're not going to invite the out-of-towners who aren't familiar with your town to the rehearsal dinner then it's nice to provide them with information about the town (maps or guidebooks, lists of attractions or restaurants) so they can keep themselves occupied that evening.

 

[Motherofboys]

I've never heard of inviting all out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner, only the bridal party, parents, and the priest/minister

I've even been to weddings where the spouses of the bridal party aren't invited to the rehearsal dinner, just the actual attendants...so I guess YMMV

Good luck to you OP, it's hard enough to coordinate a date and time for the reception that works for everyone, much less trying to get the schedule to work for everyone on the day they are travelling in!

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

The first I ever heard of this "dollar dance" was here on the Dis----thankfully its not done around here...it sounds like a stripper thing like when guys shove dollars at a stripper...not something I would want at my wedding!

It was in California. It's not stripping, friends and family members must pay money to have a dance with the bride or groom for a decided upon amount of time. We do it here in the Midwest too, depending on the bride/grooms choice - it's not required.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

I'd listen to Emily Post

Me too!

 

[We_Love_Disney]

It was in California. It's not stripping, friends and family members must pay money to have a dance with the bride or groom for a decided upon amount of time. We do it here in the Midwest too, depending on the bride/grooms choice - it's not required.

is the dollar dance in lieu of a gift or in addition to a gift. Are you told in advance of the reception that this is the case, so you can adjust your gift accordingly?

The dollar dance sounds so darn tacky and much like begging or prostitution. Hey for a buck you can dance with my wife! Grabbing her bum will be an extra $5 though.

 

[Mkrop]

is the dollar dance in lieu of a gift or in addition to a gift. Are you told in advance of the reception that this is the case, so you can adjust your gift accordingly?

The dollar dance sounds so darn tacky and much like begging or prostitution. Hey for a buck you can dance with my wife! Grabbing her bum will be an extra $5 though.

As tacky as I think the dance is, why would you adjust your gift? It is a dollar! So you are going to write a check for $99 instead of $100? LOL

When my sister in law did it, people lined up, gave her a dollar which she put in one of those satin bags. They played a polka type dance (Polish wedding) and for that $1 people danced with her and swung her around, and dipped her. It was all good fun but I wouldnt want to be tossed around like that, she looked beat up by the end of it LOL.

That is the only wedding I have been to that I saw the dance, I would never do it but she said she made a pretty penny!

 

[We_Love_Disney]

As tacky as I think the dance is, why would you adjust your gift? It is a dollar! So you are going to write a check for $99 instead of $100? LOL

When my sister in law did it, people lined up, gave her a dollar which she put in one of those satin bags. They played a polka type dance (Polish wedding) and for that $1 people danced with her and swung her around, and dipped her. It was all good fun but I wouldnt want to be tossed around like that, she looked beat up by the end of it LOL.

That is the only wedding I have been to that I saw the dance, I would never do it but she said she made a pretty penny!

I wasn't sure if it was only a dollar, thought maybe it started out that way, but with inflation it was up to $20 or something.
Tacky. very tacky. Almost as tacky as a greenback or Jack N Jill thing.

 

[chamonix]

The OP did specifically refer to the question of inviting out of town relatives, not all out of town wedding guests.

Just thought that was an important distinction.....it's certainly a nice gesture to include out of town relatives if you can afford it, and as mentioned unthread it's nice for the family to have time together while they are all in town besides during the actual wedding. Emily Post called it a "trend" to include out of town relatives, but i think it's been normal for a very long time with some families. Guess it kind of depends how much you like your relatives, LOL!

 

[3 MEN AND A BOAT]

i guess i always thought of the rehersal dinner as a dinner for the wedding party as they are ussually their at the rehersal late and will not have to worry about dinner that night. but it is your call, personnally my wife and i told anyone and everyone to come if they wanted to, but we just picked up some KFC and had dinner in the reception hall of our church, nothing fancy and we had some help for those last minute decoration emergencies. did i mention we paid for it ourselves and did all the decorating ourselves, with a covered dish dinner following. just starting out we couldn't afford to have an extravagent wedding, rehersal, and reception.
we also had family (mostly hers) telling us what to do, when to do it, how to do it, and whom to invite, until i finally put my foot down.

 

[aprilgail2]

is the dollar dance in lieu of a gift or in addition to a gift. Are you told in advance of the reception that this is the case, so you can adjust your gift accordingly?

The dollar dance sounds so darn tacky and much like begging or prostitution. Hey for a buck you can dance with my wife! Grabbing her bum will be an extra $5 though.

Thats exactly how I feel....sounds really tacky. As far as paying money though I never carry money to a wedding- nor do most people I know so they wouldn't make out well around here LOL...there is no need to pay anything at the wedding so why bother carrying cash with you.

 

[crz4mm2]

We traveled to an out of state wedding this summer. It was one of my cousin's daughter
It was an eight hour drive.
We got together to "help" decorate for the reception the night before (we were not invited to the rehearsal dinner-nor did we expect to be!). We went to my Aunt and Uncle's house that evening where many of the relatives were.
The next day, we had the wedding, and then a couple of hours later, the reception. We went back to the hotel between those two.
The day after the wedding we had a "family" get together and another cousin's house.
It was wonderful.
So, I don't EXPECT to be invited to the rehearsal supper even IF I drive a long distance to attend the WEDDING.

 

[Inigo]

I have honestly never heard of this. My cousin got married last year, and if out of town guests had been invited to the rehearsal dinner, 90% of her guests would have been invited.
Do what you want. If I was coming from out of town, I would NOT expect to be invited!

When I got married, probably 90% of the guests were local. I swear we had about 90% of the people at the wedding (near and far travelers) also at the rehearsal dinner! My husband's cousins catered the meal, and pretty much anyone who wanted to come to the dinner was invited. We didn't plan it that way, but both of us have large families and they all wanted to get together to visit.