A Sticky, What Would You Do, Situation

[lulugirl]

Yes I think it is fair because it's what the uncle wished. Also, being close to another human being, loving them and being loved by them in return is it's own reward.

I could not agree more!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It's also a shame when people think of inheritance as a right just because they are a family member.

If the Uncle willed it to a person this does not apply. I also wanted to say at least he willed it. I had a Uncle who broke his father's heart and he got a ton of his money. At least with a will you know that the Uncle made the decision.

 

[Tigger_Magic]

If the Uncle willed it to a person this does not apply. I also wanted to say at least he willed it. I had a Uncle who broke his father's heart and he got a ton of his money. At least with a will you know that the Uncle made the decision.

My comment was not directed at this situation in particular, but at some inheritance situations in general where family, often extended family members, feel they have some "right of inheritance" by virtue of familial relationship.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My comment was not directed at this situation in particular, but at some inheritance situations in general where family, often extended family members, feel they have some "right of inheritance" by virtue of familial relationship.

Oh I was speaking about the thread, sorry.

Well I have walked in many shoes with regards to that. It all boils down to the will. No will, trouble. People clamoring for stuff, parents being wierded out in a time of anguish. Money bringing out the worst in people.
Will has frustration but at least the person gave it some thought. If they really wanted you to have it they would have made sure of it.

Someone is always getting the short end of the stick cleaning up the messy details. I hate that part. Brings out resentment.

DH's grandpa died. His own dad is shady and if the grandpa took it in good faith that he was going to give his grandkids money, that wasn't going to happen for dh.
His father has done this before with items he was supposed to pass on.

Oh well...live with it and move on.

 

[mickeyfan2]

It was his money and he can do what he wants with it. If I had been the Uncle, I would have left more to the nephew who I saw/communicated with.

 

[Tigger_Magic]

Sometimes, even with a will, there's trouble depending on the family and the estate. I'd hate to be a probate judge... the saddest time in a family's life sometimes brings out the worst in people.

I remember when my dad's mom passed away, her husband didn't wait until she was buried before ransacking the house, as though his wife wasn't going to leave him practically everything anyway. When one of my aunt's died leaving only nieces and nephews to inherit her estate, one of my cousins fly from her home in FL to my aunt's home in Atlanta to "tag" certain items (furniture, paintings, TVs, collectibles) as "her inheritance". I'd like to believe my family has matured over the years, but sadly this seems to SOP for us. I often joke that we should change our last name to "Vultures" as it seems that's all some ever do-- just sit around waiting for the next family member to depart this world so they can "collect" what they're due.

 

[scanne]

The uncle sounds like a great guy who was able to overlook how he was treated and just love the people he considered his heirs. I can see where it might feel unfair, but I think it is admirable.

Actually, he wasn't the greatest of guys. My dad did a lot of forgiving. This uncle had his parents write my grandmother (his sister, my dad's mother) out of their will leaving her with .01. So after many years of estrangement, my father reached out to his uncle who was physically and mentally ill, tried to offer him care and LOVE and the uncle was responsive to this, but I wouldn't say this made him a great guy. My dad's sibs never cared enough to reach out like my dad did. They never wrote, asked about him, offered to help, etc. Technically, the inheritance, in part, is my grandmother's and yes, it should be "equal" as to who gets what. But it's such a difficult story and I am the one that is seeing the equal split as unfair - not my dad. My dad will follow the wishes of his uncle. I was just expressing my personal frusturation with what I see as unfairness.

 

[poohandwendy]

Actually, he wasn't the greatest of guys. My dad did a lot of forgiving. This uncle had his parents write my grandmother (his sister, my dad's mother) out of their will leaving her with .01. So after many years of estrangement, my father reached out to his uncle who was physically and mentally ill, tried to offer him care and LOVE and the uncle was responsive to this, but I wouldn't say this made him a great guy. My dad's sibs never cared enough to reach out like my dad did. They never wrote, asked about him, offered to help, etc. Technically, the inheritance, in part, is my grandmother's and yes, it should be "equal" as to who gets what. But it's such a difficult story and I am the one that is seeing the equal split as unfair - not my dad. My dad will follow the wishes of his uncle. I was just expressing my personal frusturation with what I see as unfairness.

I understand that you find it unfair, but really...inheritance is not a requirement or a duty so there really is no 'fair'. And technically, none of the inheritance is your grandmothers because she was not left any of it. For whatever reason, she wasn't so the money was not hers.

Bottom line is that we all have the right to decide exactly where we want our assets to go when we die. (whether those assets are earned or left to us as an inheritance...they are ours to do with as we wish) We decide what is 'fair' when it comes to the distribution, not someone else. Your DHs uncle made his decision, for whatever reason, and his relatives have to live with it. Maybe it doesn't sit well with some, but he had the right to do what he wanted.

It sounds like your father is handling it like a gentleman and was good to his uncle in the end. He sounds like an honorable man. That is worth more than any amount of an inheritance.

I guess all you can do is learn from this. Do you want your will to reflect how you feel about the way your children/grandchildren treated you in the end, or do you want it to reflect an equality amongst your surviving children/grandchildren etc.. Really, what last message do you want to leave? because that it what it will be seen as....your final message to your family. Only you can decide what is most appropriate for you.

 

[VSL]

A person's will has nothing to do with fairness.

Why should your dad get more? Because he reached out more?
So because someone helps someone else then they should be rewarded materialistically? Is not the satisfaction of helping someone enough?

Not flaming, just curious

In answer to your question - what would I do - nothing. You can't do anything. Inheritance goes to whoever the person decides it should go to. No one has a right to it.

 

[Sparx]

The Uncle loved the nephew, and cherished the contact and the time that they spent together. it wasn't about money to him. Probably not about money to the nephew either. The uncle was a generous man. He gave something to the two, because he never spent time with them. Maybe he felt that since he spent so much time with the first nephew, money wasn't the object. Fair? no. His wishes? yes

 

[stemikger]

It dosen't take a brain surgeon to see that this is not fair. However, a will is binding and that's that. However, the nephew who did take care of him will get his reward in other ways, in fact, being the kind of guy he is sounds like he already has his reward.

 

[poohandwendy]

It dosen't take a brain surgeon to see that this is not fair.

Actually, one could argue that the equal distribution of his assets between his children is totally fair because they were all equally related to him. What may be considered unfair is the relationships he had and didn't have with each of them.

 

[HoneyPooh]

The world "fair" doesn't belong anywhere in probate. When I was working as a legal secretary we did scads of estate files. The word fair popped up constantly and it frustrates the probate court to no end. Doesn't mean that something isn't fair, just means there is no place in a will for it legally.

This did come up in our family fairly recently and there was no way that the situation was in any way fair. Short version but not so short: DH's brother passed away in his sleep two years ago just short of his 50th birthday. Very unexpected, no illness. He had worked his entire life to have a nice home. He worked 30 years for the state at not great pay so he could leave his only son (he was divorced) a home and funds from his pension on his death. A few years ago he re-married. She was okay, but never really into the family and her parents and siblings absolutely hated every one of us. Not sure why, but it was VERY obvious. They couldn't stand DH's brother and spent no time with the couple. They were married for five years. After his death she sat down with his son and told him she understood that his fathers wishes were that he have the house and funds to maintain it. He left no will (silly man). She wanted to live there for the time being but financially needed him to sign the house over to her in order to refinance it to pay off the bills. He signed. Three months later she became ill with a brain tumor and died 8 months later. During her illness we visited her frequently in the hospital and at her parents home, where she was staying. Her father told my husband, abruptly, during one of our visits, that as soon as she was "gone" they were selling and moving to Florida. After her death all you-know-what broke loose. During her illness her family had her make a will. She was in her right mind so not sure what they said to her to get her to do it. She didn't like us much but she seemed like a fair person. My DH's nephew ended up with $28,000.00. Nice sume but his step-mom's mom, dad, two sisters, 4 nieces and nephews and get this...EX-HUSBAND got the rest of about 2 million in the sale of the house and the payout from the state and insurance. Her EX-HUSBAND ended up with $92,000!!!!!!!!!!! My husband and his sister and parents had to fight tooth and nail to get family heirlooms from the home before it's sale. The house was sold within four months of her death and her parents were moved to Florida within five!!! The rest of her family is from the Carolinas somewhere so they were not here at all. There are still things like my mother-in-laws grandads pocket watch that will never be seen again. We think that during his daughters illness, her dad was raiding the house and they were clearing it out. So, in the end, a family joined with ours for five years and left with everything my BIL had worked for to give his son for his entire life. They also left with family heirlooms and items with so much sentimental value to my DH's family but none to her family. There wasn't a thing anyone could do about it.

Mind you, if I saw any of her family members crossing a street.................. (Moped wouldn't do much damage but there isn't a speeding car smiley!).

 

[Poohnatic]

No, it's not fair, but the uncle did what he thought was right.

I agree with another poster that he had the benefit of a loving relationship with the uncle. No amount of money can change that.

Dealing with that exact situation with several siblings right now. My mom died on Sunday and before she'd even passed, they were talking about who gets what. Meanwhile, they didn't lift a finger to help my mom through her illness. The two of us who did, lost our dad 14 years ago and learned that money doesn't give you what you want, nor make you happy.

Let the resentment go. Please try to console yourself with the thought that your dad had a better life for spending the time with the uncle when he was alive.

suzanne