A Sad Question

[SharpMomOfTwo]

Did you or do you know anyone who didn't go to their own mothers funeral? Why didn't you/they go? Do you/they regret it?


ETA - I don't mean you couldn't go because your just so overcome with saddness - to me, thats totally understandable. I mean you don't go because of other reasons, like you haven't spoken to the person in years, etc.

 

[kafitty]

a family friend died of a drug overdose at a very young age (20), and her older sister didn't attend the funeral. i doubt she regrets it - i doubt she could have handled it.

i'm sorry this is something you have to think about.

 

[M&N]

My father was in bed under doctor's orders when he got the call that his mother, 7 hours away had died. The doctor said he could not travel that far and I know my father never got over it.

 

[kidzmom3]

I know someone who didn't and she doesn't regret it one iota. Some things really are unforgivable and since funerals are really for the living. It's their choice.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Not a mother, but in our family a grandfather could not attend his beloved granddaughter's funeral. He just simply could not do it. He stayed at the house with someone to watch over him.

I know a grandson who did not attend his grandfather's funeral (nothing to do with their good relationship) and he still regrets it mightily.

 

[Dremwvr]

When my dad died, I was 3 weeks from graduating college. I was in the throws of writing my Senior Thesis and it was the worst time of my life to have to deal with a funeral. As my dad and I had never been close (only talking twice a year, my birthday and christmas) I had no intention of going. My good friend packed my car and drove me home, while my best friend conducted the finishing interviews of my research.

I didn't realize how much it meant to me to have my friends step up and do that for me until much later. Had I not gone to the funeral, I would have majorly regretted it. To this day I regret the relationship I had (or didn't have) with my dad.

I guess it all depends on the person and the situation.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

a family friend died of a drug overdose at a very young age (20), and her older sister didn't attend the funeral. i doubt she regrets it - i doubt she could have handled it.

i'm sorry this is something you have to think about.

No, its not me - my mother is not dead yet..... she has breast cancer which has matasticised (sp??) to the bone, but we are still waiting for the results. Its her - My mothers mother just died, and she refused to go to the funeral making the excuse that she had tests to do (for her cancer). It was true, she did have tests scheduled for that day, but she could have rescheduled it.

She hadn't seen or spoken to her in 30+ years. No one really knows why. We know she was a nasty drunk, but in all truth, my mother never really spent much of her life with her. She was raised as a child by her grandparents, and was out of the house by 16. Nana (my mothers mother) had been asking for her for a while, and she refused to go - saying that the people who said she was asking for her were lying.
Because of my mother, the first (and last) time I ever laid my eyes on Nana was her lying in her coffin.
I'm just so sad that she didn't go - I mean, its so final - you can't get that back, KWIM? Then she was asking me all these questions about the funeral - "Did anyone ask about me?" "Did anyone ask how I was doing?" Yada yada yada - Finally I just said to her "Mom, you made your choice, you didn't go." All she said back to me was "Wow." Like a, "How dare you question me" kinda thing. She said that she couldn't go because of the tests - that the Dr. wanted the results last week - well if they were so urgent, why didn't she HAVE the tests done last week??
Oh well, whats done is done I guess. She is going to have to live with it. I know shes going through a lot with her cancer and such, but so are we. Its like.... she wants whole world to revolve aroud her. Even my BIL said something like "Your Moms getting mad because her mother is taking her thunder." because thats the way shes acting.
Anyway, sorry for the vent, I'm just so upset about all this. First my mother gets diagnosed with breast cancer, then she gets a double mastectomy, we think were in the clear - then we get hit with the bone cancer, then they find a lump in MY breast (turned out to be nothing), then Nana dies... Its like WHATS NEXT?!?!?!?!?

I'm done now - thanks for listening.

 

[Feralpeg]

When my mom died, I did go to the funeral for my dad's sake, but it really meant very little to me. I was very detached from the whole thing. In fact, several people actually asked me why I didn't cry. I'm not a person who shows a lot of emotion in public. I did my grieving in my own way in my own time. I really didn't feel like my mom was at the funeral.

 

[GraysMom]

 

[minniebeth]

SharpMomOfTwo, I'm so sorry for all you've been through. It seems like so much more than anyone's share of heartbreak.
Sending you blessings for healing and happiness for you and your family...

My mom's health is rapidly deteriorating and it has been a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs, but I'm fearing the end of her journey is more near than not. One of my brother states he will not be at the funeral, not because of his relationship with my mother, but with my other brother. There is much hurt in the world out there and very close at home for many of us.
to all who struggle with it...

 

[kidzmom3]

She hadn't seen or spoken to her in 30+ years. No one really knows why. We know she was a nasty drunk, but in all truth, my mother never really spent much of her life with her. She was raised as a child by her grandparents, and was out of the house by 16.

Because of my mother, the first (and last) time I ever laid my eyes on Nana was her lying in her coffin.

Oh well, whats done is done I guess. She is going to have to live with it. I know shes going through a lot with her cancer and such, but so are we. Its like.... she wants whole world to revolve aroud her. Even my BIL said something like "Your Moms getting mad because her mother is taking her thunder." because thats the way shes acting.
Anyway, sorry for the vent, I'm just so upset about all this. then Nana dies... Its like WHATS NEXT?!?!?!?!?

I'm done now - thanks for listening.

1st - I am sorry you are having a hard time. Sympathy to you for that.

2nd - it is very clear from everything above that your mother did not have a relationship with her mother. As an outsider, I wonder why would she go to the funeral? Some bad stuff must have happened for her not to have seen her in 30 years. I would try to be a little more understanding of your mom.

3rd - You are an adult. If you wanted to see your Nana, you could have done that at any time after you turned 18. It is not really fair of you to blame your mother for not seeing her alive. You made the choice to not do so.

4th - some things really are unforgivable, especially when done to a child

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

1st - I am sorry you are having a hard time. Sympathy to you for that. Thanks.

2nd - it is very clear from everything above that your mother did not have a relationship with her mother. As an outsider, I wonder why would she go to the funeral? Some bad stuff must have happened for her not to have seen her in 30 years. I would try to be a little more understanding of your mom. Thats the thing - no one knows what happened. And no one else in the family ever had any problems with Nana. Yes, she was a drinker, and wasn't a nice drinker, but is that a reason to do what she did. Both my parents have done this to both sides of their families. Mom doesn't speak to her family - no one - and its always their fault, never hers. Dad doesn't speak to anyone on his side of the family - and its never his fault, always theirs. My mother used to tell me so many lies - all these things that her mother did to her, than if I told you now what they were, you'd just laugh. But when your 7, and your mother tells you these things, you think its true, KWIM.

3rd - You are an adult. If you wanted to see your Nana, you could have done that at any time after you turned 18. It is not really fair of you to blame your mother for not seeing her alive. You made the choice to not do so. This is true, I could have found a way. Only thing was, I didn't know where she was, my mother would never tell me, and I have no idea who 90% of her family is, so I couldn't ask them. The only person on her side of the family I had ever met was her brother, and most of the time, they aren't speaking for one reason or another. Plus, if I had gone to visit Nana years back, I can tell you my mother would not have taken kindly to it. She was very upset, and both she and my father said some "stuff" to say to me about going to the funeral.

4th - some things really are unforgivable, especially when done to a child

Anyway, I'm not telling you all this to defend myself - just to clarify what type of family it is, and how you can or can't deal with things..... I'm just really sad by it all - for reasons that I've said on here, and reasons that I haven't said.


ETA - My sister was telling me stories about Nana and Papa on the way up to the funeral. She knew her till she was about 9 years old - thats when our parents moved, and didn't tell anyone. She said that they were both very loving people (other than when Nana drank, which my sister said she saw rarely). She said that Nana used to babysit them all the time, and even watched them for 2 weeks when my parents went on their honeymoon. I ask you - if someone is so horrible that you end up never speaking to them for 30+ years, and don't even go to their funeral - does it add up that you leaving your children with them for weeks at a time????? This is what is most upsetting and confusing to me. Its just so sad.

 

[TheZue]

No, its not me - my mother is not dead yet..... she has breast cancer which has matasticised (sp??) to the bone, but we are still waiting for the results. Its her - My mothers mother just died, and she refused to go to the funeral making the excuse that she had tests to do (for her cancer). It was true, she did have tests scheduled for that day, but she could have rescheduled it.

She hadn't seen or spoken to her in 30+ years. No one really knows why. We know she was a nasty drunk, but in all truth, my mother never really spent much of her life with her. She was raised as a child by her grandparents, and was out of the house by 16. Nana (my mothers mother) had been asking for her for a while, and she refused to go - saying that the people who said she was asking for her were lying.
Because of my mother, the first (and last) time I ever laid my eyes on Nana was her lying in her coffin.
I'm just so sad that she didn't go - I mean, its so final - you can't get that back, KWIM? Then she was asking me all these questions about the funeral - "Did anyone ask about me?" "Did anyone ask how I was doing?" Yada yada yada - Finally I just said to her "Mom, you made your choice, you didn't go." All she said back to me was "Wow." Like a, "How dare you question me" kinda thing. She said that she couldn't go because of the tests - that the Dr. wanted the results last week - well if they were so urgent, why didn't she HAVE the tests done last week??
Oh well, whats done is done I guess. She is going to have to live with it. I know shes going through a lot with her cancer and such, but so are we. Its like.... she wants whole world to revolve aroud her. Even my BIL said something like "Your Moms getting mad because her mother is taking her thunder." because thats the way shes acting.
Anyway, sorry for the vent, I'm just so upset about all this. First my mother gets diagnosed with breast cancer, then she gets a double mastectomy, we think were in the clear - then we get hit with the bone cancer, then they find a lump in MY breast (turned out to be nothing), then Nana dies... Its like WHATS NEXT?!?!?!?!?

I'm done now - thanks for listening.

Her mom could have said or done some truly horrible things to her. I know with my mom if she was physically well I wouldn't have anything to do with her after the things she's said to me the last ten years...gems like "I haven't liked you since you were ten", thanking my husband for putting up with me, lying to people about horrible things I've done, blaming me for being unable to breastfeed my son, mocking his chosen name when I was pregnant, demanding I bring him over to her house which was NOT safe and refusing to come to ours which was accessable to her, having a fit the night before my wedding, etc. And it's not like I'm every going to spill those details to my kids, one it's too painful, and two she is still their grandma and don't need to know that stuff. But in her case it really isn't her fault and she wasn't always like that, if she had been I would have walked away years ago. So I do get when people cut ties why they wouldn't feel the need to go to a funeral. So who knows how their relationship was.

 

[JoiseyMom]

When my father passed I did not go to his funeral. And no, I have no regrets.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

Her mom could have said or done some truly horrible things to her. I know with my mom if she was physically well I wouldn't have anything to do with her after the things she's said to me the last ten years...gems like "I haven't liked you since you were ten", thanking my husband for putting up with me, lying to people about horrible things I've done, blaming me for being unable to breastfeed my son, mocking his chosen name when I was pregnant, demanding I bring him over to her house which was NOT safe and refusing to come to ours which was accessable to her, having a fit the night before my wedding, etc. And it's not like I'm every going to spill those details to my kids, one it's too painful, and two she is still their grandma and don't need to know that stuff. But in her case it really isn't her fault and she wasn't always like that, if she had been I would have walked away years ago. So I do get when people cut ties why they wouldn't feel the need to go to a funeral. So who knows how their relationship was.

Sorry for your hardship.
I think you posted before I finished editing my last post, so go read that and I think you will understand more of what I'm talking about . Also, you just almost made my point for me. Your mother has been a horrible person to you for the last 10 years - BUT YOUR STILL THERE! You would go to her funeral if she died tomorrow. My mother was never there for her mother, and even refused to go to the funeral to pay her respects to her brother and his wife (who she called a f****** drama queen to my sister when she told her that she was crying at the funeral ) who has taken care of the woman for the past 10 years. Again, I don't want to go on about this, I just think its a total lack of respect on my mothers part - and something she will (if she doesn't already) regret for the rest of her life.

 

[Tink888]

SharpMomofTwo - I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for all you've been and are going through.

Maybe deep down your Mom still carries a lot of sadness over the relationship with your Nana.

It's good that you went though and said your goodbyes.

 

[bound2travel]

When each of my parents died, we didn't have a service as that is what they (parents) wanted. Mom also made my sister and I promise not to cry or take time off work as she didn't want to "bother" us with such things (don't remember exactly her reasoning). I agreed just to make Mom happy. I did take time off and we still cried.

Both were cremated and "reside" at my sister's - along with the ashes of my dog and my sister's cat. In some ways I was glad we didn't have a service as it was so difficult to attend a friend's husband's funeral. I knew then that I did NOT want to see either of my parents bodies after they died. But still...it isn't so much that I regret not having a service as I guess I never really got the chance to say goodbye.

After Dad died, my family fell apart - two brothers don't speak to each other. That made everything worse. It's all about ancient history and lingering "crud" for them. Unfortunately, we can't change the ones we love nor "make everything better" just because we want it.

I'm sorry you didn't get to know your grandmother or the rest of your family and that your Mom is ill. Being slammed with all of that must be very difficult. Be sure to take care of yourself in all this.

Kristi

 

[Colleen27]

My dad didn't come home for his mother's funeral. I don't know if he regrets it or not, but I'd guess not. I doubt he even remembers she is dead, honestly. He has issues, though, and I'm sure if he ever gets a lucid moment he'll be angry at his siblings for arranging things in such a way that he couldn't be here (I don't think my aunt was even going to tell him - he didn't know Grandma had died until I called him, 2 days later, and she deliberately kept my grandfather from talking to him because she knew my grandfather would have bought him a plane ticket to make sure he could come).

Not my mother, but I didn't come home for my (other) grandmother's funeral. I don't regret it at all. Not because of any lack of closeness between us - she was like a second mother to me and I was very close to her right up until the end, even when her Alzheimers was so advanced that on bad days she didn't know who I was - but because I'd come to terms with losing her well before she passed away. She died the day we left for our long-planned Disney vacation in '08, and I know she wouldn't have wanted me to interrupt the kids' fun to come home to grieve.

 

[TheZue]

Sorry for your hardship.
I think you posted before I finished editing my last post, so go read that and I think you will understand more of what I'm talking about . Also, you just almost made my point for me. Your mother has been a horrible person to you for the last 10 years - BUT YOUR STILL THERE! You would go to her funeral if she died tomorrow. My mother was never there for her mother, and even refused to go to the funeral to pay her respects to her brother and his wife (who she called a f****** drama queen to my sister when she told her that she was crying at the funeral ) who has taken care of the woman for the past 10 years. Again, I don't want to go on about this, I just think its a total lack of respect on my mothers part - and something she will (if she doesn't already) regret for the rest of her life.

Thanks

Ya with your edit it doesn't add up at all. If anything your mom sounds like mine hahaha. Anyways, the only reason I'm still here is because she has a fairly severe case of MS, it's moved into her brain, so it's not really her and I know that logically...and now she's mainly just confused and much less abusive since her last severe attack. If there was no MS involved and that was our relationship I would have absolutely nothing to do with her, and there have been several times we have almost cut contact because it was just so abusive that it was really making life not worth living....nobody can cut to the core of your soul like your mom. But that doesn't fit with the relationship your sister remembers at all, if anything it sounds like your mom is being the difficult one in HER relationships...and my bet is it probably doesn't bother her.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I didn't go to my father's funeral. I didn't even know he died until my mom (he was her ex-husband) just happened to read his obituary in the paper. She had a habit of occasionally reading her old hometown paper on line and happened to that day.

My aunt sent me a letter a couple of days after he died. She didn't have any of our phone numbers - not sure why she couldn't look them up, but that's ok.

I was able to send flowers to the funeral, but I was about to give birth and just found out the morning of the funeral, so I couldn't attend.

I hadn't spoken to my dad in quite some time. I deeply regret it.