A sad choice for my friend

[ccgirl]

Seriously? Your DH could repeatedly beat the crap out of you and you wouldn't divorce him!?!?!?

Correct. Wouldn't divorce him. Wouldn't stay but wouldn't divorce him. May wish he meet an untimely death (depending on what he did) but I would not file for divorce. Again, that's just me.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

IDK...maybe it's because marriage is more than a license to me. Maybe it's because I waited until I was older to get married and lived and supported myself for many years. I do not look at a life of taking care of my disabled spouse as a life of condemnation. People say....what if your DH was abusive, adulterous, etc. While I may leave to seek safey, I would never file for divorce nor would I engage in sexual relations with another man. That is me, personally. I realize not everyone feels this way but this is the way I feel. The only way to end my marriage vows is by death. If my DH should die, God forbid, I would then be free to pursue another man. Other than that, my vows hold true whether or not we are living under the same roof. Should my DH leave me, well then he was the one that left me and filed for divorce. However, a piece of paper saying I am divorced would mean nothing to me. I don't mean it would mean nothing in that I would pursue him relentlessly or anything like that. Of course, he would have a new life but, again, the only thing that would absolve my marriage vows is death. I made those vows before God and a piece of paper does not nullify that. That is just how I feel. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings and opinions.

And you are entitled to your feelings and the way you want to live. I just could not live like that.

 

[Feralpeg]

The more I think about this situation, the more my heart goes out to this poor woman. Her life was turned upside down in a manner of minutes. She went from having a loving, supportive husband to, basically, a disabled child. She is not only caring for him, but she must be grieving the loss of her husband. Of course, he is still alive, but he is not the man she married.

I am sure she probably works to support her family. In addition, she must do all the tasks around her home that her husband used to do as well as everything she always did. This includes caring for her children and their home while still finding time to spend with him. Is this too much to ask? No, but I'm sure she is drained by everything.

I'm just supposing this, but she probably had a ton of support in the beginning. People are always good to rally right after something terrible happens. But, how many people are there on a regular basis now to help her with the day to day? Who is there when her kids are sick or she is sick? Who is there to help take the kids to their functions and help them with their homework? Who is there to help her with the financial decisions?

Some may say this is no different than what any other single parent faces. To some extent that is true, but the difference is that she must also care for her husband without any hope of a change in the situation. Most single parents at least have the hope that someday their situation will change and they will have someone to share the day to day chores, heartaches and special moments.

Again, my heart goes out to this special family. I hope they all find peace.

 

[luvsJack]

IDK...maybe it's because marriage is more than a license to me. Maybe it's because I waited until I was older to get married and lived and supported myself for many years. I do not look at a life of taking care of my disabled spouse as a life of condemnation. People say....what if your DH was abusive, adulterous, etc. While I may leave to seek safey, I would never file for divorce nor would I engage in sexual relations with another man. That is me, personally. I realize not everyone feels this way but this is the way I feel. The only way to end my marriage vows is by death. If my DH should die, God forbid, I would then be free to pursue another man. Other than that, my vows hold true whether or not we are living under the same roof. Should my DH leave me, well then he was the one that left me and filed for divorce. However, a piece of paper saying I am divorced would mean nothing to me. I don't mean it would mean nothing in that I would pursue him relentlessly or anything like that. Of course, he would have a new life but, again, the only thing that would absolve my marriage vows is death. I made those vows before God and a piece of paper does not nullify that. That is just how I feel. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings and opinions.

I am another who does not love my dh "unconditionally". My children, yes; husband, no.

I am a Christian and I also said my vows before God. But, IMHO, when the Bible speaks of marriage and the vows speak of marriage being "until death do us part"; it is speaking of a certain type of marriage. Some marriages are not that. When a man or woman physically or emtionally hurts their spouse or children or cheats on their spouse, that marriage is not one of God and does not deserve the same respect as one that is and so the vows become meaningless. My feelings are just that the vows are words; not chains. But, of course anyone would have to choose by their own beliefs and feelings on marriage and vows.


IMHO, The woman in the OP really no longer has a marriage. In a matter of speaking her husband has died. He will never exist again as the man she married. I am not sure what I would do in her shoes, but I don't think anyone should judge her choice either. This is her life, and she deserves happiness just as anyone else does.

 

[disney1990]

Your friend's story reminds me of this one. So very sad.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/06/20/sunday/main6600364.shtml

 

[MickeyBA]

I think that there are just some situations that unless you are right there in them you really have no idea how you would react. This is obviously one of those times. I despise it when people judge someone who is in an impossible situation. This woman has children to take care of and to do that as well as she is possible she has to take care of herself too. I wouldn't wish the situation on anyone and I hate knowing that anyone is offering her anything but love and compassion.

Children always benefit from their parents happiness, so I just hope she finds some peace and happiness in whatever choice makes.

 

[3smithboys]

And, to me, this is THE key point.

I will admit that it is painful to think of being the incapacitated one and my DH going on with life with someone else. The thought of being looked upon as pitifully mentally impaired and being a burden to my family isn't pleasant. Nor is the thought of someone taking my place in my family. But as long as my DH continued to give me the best care he could, I think that is all I could ask or should expect of him in such a situation.

Something else to think about - and it's also a very important point - is what her husband would want for her and their children. If he had known this was going to happen to him, what would he have wanted her to do?

While it's painful and humiliating to think of being the one who is mentally impaired to that point, it's also painful to think of my DH trying to forge ahead on his own - trying to be both mom and dad to our kids, not having a helpmate and confidante to come to for help, advice, solace, and all the million and one other things we get from a SO. And it's even more painful to think of my kids - especially my 8yo DD - spending the rest of their lives without a mom. A little girl being raised by a dad and a much-older brother isn't the end of the world and, in our case, there would be plenty of love. But I wouldn't want my condition to deprive my daughter of someone to guide her through all the "girl things" in life. And if it were my husband who became incapacitated, I don't think he would want either of our kids to live the rest of their lives without the benefit of having a dad and all the things that encompasses.

I agree with this as well. I've been following this thread since the beginning, and it has broken my heart. I feel for this poor family and there really is no easy solution. I spoke to DH and asked him what he would want... the best solution that we could come up with that was actually suggested on here was the one where the DH was divorced and then adopted by the wife. She could then continue to care for him...(he really is more like a child at this point than a husband anyway) and then would be able to continue on with a friendship or a relationship in the future if she wanted to.

She never said that she wanted to abandon him. I believe that she will continue to visit him - he is the father of her children and they are going to want to visit their dad too... She will also need to find a very special man who will need to be understanding of this unique situation.

 

[Owlpost23]

Your friend's story reminds me of this one. So very sad.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/06/20/sunday/main6600364.shtml

What a poignant story.I teared up at it.There are so many different situations out there that can only be decided by those involved.Hopefully,most of us won't have to make such decisions.

 

[ZachnElli]

I had a customer who went through something similar with his wife. She was thrown from a horse and spent several months in the hospital. Her brain damage completely changed her personality. Within 2 weeks of coming home, their children had to be removed from the home because of her violent fits against them. Yes, he divorced her. He chose their children. I cannot imagine going through this and will not judge anyone who is going through it and the incredibly difficult decisions they are forced to make.

 

[CharliNye]

Wow. I just spent the last hour and a half reading this whole thread.

First off, to OP, so sorry to hear about what your friend is going through, I cannot even BEGIN to imagine what she's been through.

I can however say that some of the posters who have brought up and compared this to MS or cancer really need to think again. Or have the illness themselves THEN try and make that comparison and state what they would do.

I've had MS for nearly 20 yrs. The last 7 being the worst. Specifically the last three. I have told my husband time and time again that were my condition to worsen severely some day and my brain lost function, or I could not be a wife to him, then he was free to move on. Why the hell would I want him to end HIS life because mine has? Maybe not completely, but if I couldn't be everything he needed then I didn't want him to be held back. That's the most selfish thing I've ever heard of.

As for the husband: I think so many of you are missing the point. He has the functional ability of a mentally impaired 12 yr old. I mean really? You'd judge(oh wait you aren't judging but yet you throw your "vows to god" out there as your reason why you wouldn't) but you are.

This poor woman, wow. And don't think down the line her kids won't be happier for her, if she were able to regain some part of her life, the part where she feels like she means something other then as a caregiver, because they need her to be happy, they need her to feel whole again. Because as a mother if you aren't taking care of YOUR needs, you can't take care of ANYONE else's properly.

As for the AVM, here:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arteriovenous_malformation

Then let me tell you. An old friend's 5 yr old was struck down by this late summer. Out of the blue. She was in a coma for a LONG time. And her recovery is still a major process. she will have to have surgery again to repair one of the brain arteries. They said she was one of the lucky few to not only survive it, but to eventually regain her pretty much full functions. Luckily the friend was able to afford some of the best dr's out there and she got the best care. But it was honestly the scariest thing ever that I've heard of. And I learned a lot about it while him and his family were going through this. It is devastating when it strikes. It's extremely rare. And the survival rate is MINIMAL.

So the fact that this man has survived it is pretty amazing, but the fact that he is the state he is means he will never, ever know who his wife and kids are.

I feel for her something fierce.

And to the poster who said she would never divorce her husband even if he abused her: try it sometime. I wasn't even married but had a bf abuse the living crap out of me. I put him in jail and thank my lucky stars I WASN'T married and we didn't have kids. If it happened to you, you'd rethink that thought.

 

[NikitaZee]

Wow. I just spent the last hour and a half reading this whole thread.

First off, to OP, so sorry to hear about what your friend is going through, I cannot even BEGIN to imagine what she's been through.

I can however say that some of the posters who have brought up and compared this to MS or cancer really need to think again. Or have the illness themselves THEN try and make that comparison and state what they would do.

I've had MS for nearly 20 yrs. The last 7 being the worst. Specifically the last three. I have told my husband time and time again that were my condition to worsen severely some day and my brain lost function, or I could not be a wife to him, then he was free to move on. Why the hell would I want him to end HIS life because mine has? Maybe not completely, but if I couldn't be everything he needed then I didn't want him to be held back. That's the most selfish thing I've ever heard of.

As for the husband: I think so many of you are missing the point. He has the functional ability of a mentally impaired 12 yr old. I mean really? You'd judge(oh wait you aren't judging but yet you throw your "vows to god" out there as your reason why you wouldn't) but you are.

This poor woman, wow. And don't think down the line her kids won't be happier for her, if she were able to regain some part of her life, the part where she feels like she means something other then as a caregiver, because they need her to be happy, they need her to feel whole again. Because as a mother if you aren't taking care of YOUR needs, you can't take care of ANYONE else's properly.

As for the AVM, here:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arteriovenous_malformation

Then let me tell you. An old friend's 5 yr old was struck down by this late summer. Out of the blue. She was in a coma for a LONG time. And her recovery is still a major process. she will have to have surgery again to repair one of the brain arteries. They said she was one of the lucky few to not only survive it, but to eventually regain her pretty much full functions. Luckily the friend was able to afford some of the best dr's out there and she got the best care. But it was honestly the scariest thing ever that I've heard of. And I learned a lot about it while him and his family were going through this. It is devastating when it strikes. It's extremely rare. And the survival rate is MINIMAL.

So the fact that this man has survived it is pretty amazing, but the fact that he is the state he is means he will never, ever know who his wife and kids are.

I feel for her something fierce.

And to the poster who said she would never divorce her husband even if he abused her: try it sometime. I wasn't even married but had a bf abuse the living crap out of me. I put him in jail and thank my lucky stars I WASN'T married and we didn't have kids. If it happened to you, you'd rethink that thought.

What a powerful post. Thank you for all your thoughts, your link about AVM, and sharing your story. God bless - I hope you have many years yet where you are fully functional and can remain happily with your husband.

 

[MELSMICE]

Personally, I don't think anyone here can know what life is like for this woman until you've lived it. It is all well and good to say what you would do, but you will never really know unless put in the situation. Our best intentions don't always hold true when put under adverse conditions.

I would never judge her. My heart goes out to her, her husband and entire family. A very sad situation. I hope they can find the best solution for all involved.

I have read every reply & I feel exactly the same as you Feralpeg.

Until you walk in someone shoes, you shouldn't judge, nor should you say what you would or wouldn't do. You never know what life holds or what decisions lie ahead for you.

 

[quadwriter85]

I have read all the responses in this thread. This subject is very difficult. I agree with the OP about her friend. I have been in a similar situation. I'm a quadriplegic and I was dating a man at the time of my injury. The relationship we had was good and still love him. He broke up with me while I was in rehab. I understood his reasoning for it. Even though my mind was still intact, my body is damaged and I'm dependent on others for all of my care. He had to move on and so did I.

When I was in rehab I saw several brain injury patients and a few had spouses and I wondered if they would remain with their spouses. I became friends with one woman whose husband had a brain injury from car accident. He had the level of a 8 year old and he didn't remember her. I kept in contact with the wife through emails and other online communication. About a year after her husband was released from rehab, she filed for divorce. I spoke to her on the phone back in September and she said she will always love her ex-husband and her decision still pains her. She said that she does check on him through phone calls. He lives with parents now and they were understanding of the divorce.

 

[bballmom56]

Your friend's story reminds me of this one. So very sad.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/06/20/sunday/main6600364.shtml

Yes! I remember that story - I saw it when it ran on "Sunday Morning". That was exactly the story I was thinking about as I read this thread.

The more I think about this situation, the more my heart goes out to this poor woman. Her life was turned upside down in a manner of minutes. She went from having a loving, supportive husband to, basically, a disabled child. She is not only caring for him, but she must be grieving the loss of her husband. Of course, he is still alive, but he is not the man she married.

I am sure she probably works to support her family. In addition, she must do all the tasks around her home that her husband used to do as well as everything she always did. This includes caring for her children and their home while still finding time to spend with him. Is this too much to ask? No, but I'm sure she is drained by everything.

I'm just supposing this, but she probably had a ton of support in the beginning. People are always good to rally right after something terrible happens. But, how many people are there on a regular basis now to help her with the day to day? Who is there when her kids are sick or she is sick? Who is there to help take the kids to their functions and help them with their homework? Who is there to help her with the financial decisions?

Some may say this is no different than what any other single parent faces. To some extent that is true, but the difference is that she must also care for her husband without any hope of a change in the situation. Most single parents at least have the hope that someday their situation will change and they will have someone to share the day to day chores, heartaches and special moments.

Again, my heart goes out to this special family. I hope they all find peace.

Well said.

 

[mhsjax]

IDK...maybe it's because marriage is more than a license to me. Maybe it's because I waited until I was older to get married and lived and supported myself for many years. I do not look at a life of taking care of my disabled spouse as a life of condemnation. People say....what if your DH was abusive, adulterous, etc. While I may leave to seek safey, I would never file for divorce nor would I engage in sexual relations with another man. That is me, personally. I realize not everyone feels this way but this is the way I feel. The only way to end my marriage vows is by death. If my DH should die, God forbid, I would then be free to pursue another man. Other than that, my vows hold true whether or not we are living under the same roof. Should my DH leave me, well then he was the one that left me and filed for divorce. However, a piece of paper saying I am divorced would mean nothing to me. I don't mean it would mean nothing in that I would pursue him relentlessly or anything like that. Of course, he would have a new life but, again, the only thing that would absolve my marriage vows is death. I made those vows before God and a piece of paper does not nullify that. That is just how I feel. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings and opinions.

YOu do realize the even in the Bible Adultry is ground for divorce.

 

[disneydreamersx4]

OP - I'm so sorry for what your friend and her DH is going through. My DH and I talked about this and we would want each other to find another person to share their life with especially if we were young like OP's friend. Not right away of course, but after some time like the OP friend and only if the injured spouse does not recognize the other spouse as their wife or husband. I think the OP friend's husband does not know she is his wife, if I read that correctly.

 

[ccgirl]

Wow. I just spent the last hour and a half reading this whole thread.

First off, to OP, so sorry to hear about what your friend is going through, I cannot even BEGIN to imagine what she's been through.

I can however say that some of the posters who have brought up and compared this to MS or cancer really need to think again. Or have the illness themselves THEN try and make that comparison and state what they would do.

I've had MS for nearly 20 yrs. The last 7 being the worst. Specifically the last three. I have told my husband time and time again that were my condition to worsen severely some day and my brain lost function, or I could not be a wife to him, then he was free to move on. Why the hell would I want him to end HIS life because mine has? Maybe not completely, but if I couldn't be everything he needed then I didn't want him to be held back. That's the most selfish thing I've ever heard of.

As for the husband: I think so many of you are missing the point. He has the functional ability of a mentally impaired 12 yr old. I mean really? You'd judge(oh wait you aren't judging but yet you throw your "vows to god" out there as your reason why you wouldn't) but you are.

This poor woman, wow. And don't think down the line her kids won't be happier for her, if she were able to regain some part of her life, the part where she feels like she means something other then as a caregiver, because they need her to be happy, they need her to feel whole again. Because as a mother if you aren't taking care of YOUR needs, you can't take care of ANYONE else's properly.

As for the AVM, here:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arteriovenous_malformation

Then let me tell you. An old friend's 5 yr old was struck down by this late summer. Out of the blue. She was in a coma for a LONG time. And her recovery is still a major process. she will have to have surgery again to repair one of the brain arteries. They said she was one of the lucky few to not only survive it, but to eventually regain her pretty much full functions. Luckily the friend was able to afford some of the best dr's out there and she got the best care. But it was honestly the scariest thing ever that I've heard of. And I learned a lot about it while him and his family were going through this. It is devastating when it strikes. It's extremely rare. And the survival rate is MINIMAL.

So the fact that this man has survived it is pretty amazing, but the fact that he is the state he is means he will never, ever know who his wife and kids are.

I feel for her something fierce.

And to the poster who said she would never divorce her husband even if he abused her: try it sometime. I wasn't even married but had a bf abuse the living crap out of me. I put him in jail and thank my lucky stars I WASN'T married and we didn't have kids. If it happened to you, you'd rethink that thought.

Talk about judging. Just because someone has a different point of view does not mean they are judging. I would not judge this woman for one moment if she would make a different decision than I would. I was not put in this earth to judge other people.

And talk about assumptions....I was the poster that said I would not divorce my DH should it become abusive. However, I did say I would leave. I don't know why people are assuming I have not gone through things and had to make difficult decisions already.

YOu do realize the even in the Bible Adultry is ground for divorce.

You do realize not all sects of Christianity feel the same; right? In my religion, divorce is never condoned. And, no, I am not going to tell you what religion I am. No need to defend myself.

I am not judging those that choose to divorce their spouses. I have said before I have many friends and family members divorced and I do not love them any less or think differently of them. I have no idea why people feel the need to judge me for choosing not to divorce mine.

Opinions were asked for and I gave mine. There are always two sides to every opinion.

 

[MELSMICE]

I was the poster that said I would not divorce my DH should it become abusive. However, I did say I would leave. I don't know why people are assuming I have not gone through things and had to make difficult decisions already.

Originally Posted by ccgirl
IDK...maybe it's because marriage is more than a license to me.

If you were to leave because of abuse, infidelity or some other reason and not divorce wouldn't the marriage just be a license at that point.

Marriage is definitely not just a piece of paper. If you are living apart and really not sharing a life together, in my opinion, there is no marriage.

I can not say what I would do in the OP's friend's situation. I want to say that I would be 100% supportive for as long as we both shall live, as my vows said, however, I have not walked in her shoes & pray that I never have to.

I do understand her thoughts in wanting to move on though, the marriage that she once enjoyed no longer exists.

 

[ccgirl]

If you were to leave because of abuse, infidelity or some other reason and not divorce wouldn't the marriage just be a license at that point.

Marriage is definitely not just a piece of paper. If you are living apart and really not sharing a life together, in my opinion, there is no marriage.

I can not say what I would do in the OP's friend's situation. I want to say that I would be 100% supportive for as long as we both shall live, as my vows said, however, I have not walked in her shoes & pray that I never have to.

I do understand her thoughts in wanting to move on though, the marriage that she once enjoyed no longer exists.

I would only leave if I felt my life, or the life of my children were in danger. As in an abusive situation. I would hope that he would/could seek help for his situation. I coudl not move on with another man knowing my DH was still on this earth. I know I would not leave in the case of infidelity. You are right, it is hard to say what you would do unless you have been there. This might be TMI but I had a severe issue with depression a few years back. Severe as in, could not get out of bed. Verbally abusive to my DH. He stuck with me until we got the issue resolved. At that time, I was effectively not the same person he married but he still stuck with me. He had to do everything for our DD and the home as I couldn't even get out of bed. At the time, he didn't know if there was an end in sight. I don't know how much would have been too much but I do know that he stuck with me.

 

[U2_rocks!]

If you were to leave because of abuse, infidelity or some other reason and not divorce wouldn't the marriage just be a license at that point.

Marriage is definitely not just a piece of paper. If you are living apart and really not sharing a life together, in my opinion, there is no marriage.

I can not say what I would do in the OP's friend's situation. I want to say that I would be 100% supportive for as long as we both shall live, as my vows said, however, I have not walked in her shoes & pray that I never have to.

I do understand her thoughts in wanting to move on though, the marriage that she once enjoyed no longer exists.

Not to mention the legal risks of staying married to someone you cannot trust because you no longer share a life! I'm talking about abusive etc. reasons for leaving now, not the OP's friend's situation. If I left my husband because he was abusive, and I never planned to live with him again, I really don't think it would be smart to stay married. I realize that this would greatly conflict with some people's religious beliefs, but I really could never take the risk.