A sad choice for my friend

[NikitaZee]

My heart feels heavy for my friend right now. About 4 years ago, her husband had a brain bleed from a congenital defect called AVM. Until then, they had no idea that he had such a defect. He almost died the first night, but with a lot of medical intervention, he pulled through. The damage was extensive - he has the mentality of a pre-teen, and has been in a nursing home almost since the beginning of this. At first, my friend said she would stay by his side forever, thru thick and thin, no matter what happened.
Now, she is lonely and wants male companionship. She is young - mid 30's (as is her husband). They have 4 girls, aged 17 thru 5. The oldest understands, and sympathizes with her Mom, as do I, but we are the only ones. She has been considering a divorce for about 6 months, but can't move beyond the guilt she has over doing so. Her husband's condition will never change - he knows she is his wife, but the whole concept of a husband-wife relationship is lost to his mind. They have family visits often. His family is strongly against her ending the marriage, as are most of our other friends. How would you feel if this was the choice your friend had in front if her? What would your advice be?

 

[jfranklyn]

I've known people in this situation and I totally understand where your friend is coming from. I find it hard to believe that this man's family would give her a hard time about this. That's really pretty thoughtless of them. It's not only the right decision for her emotional well being, it's the right decision for her financial well being, and that of her children. Divorcing him doesn't mean that she hates him, it means that she needs to move on. Just support her. She's going to need it. My heart goes out to her.

 

[JessicaR]

I think she needs more support than she is getting. The saying - walk a mile in my shoes comes to mind. You are a good friend.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I don't know. And I don't think we truly know what we would do unless we were in that situation. One thing for sure - I would support my husband and stay in his life with frequent visits whether I divorce him or not.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My heart feels heavy for my friend right now. About 4 years ago, her husband had a brain bleed from a congenital defect called AVM. Until then, they had no idea that he had such a defect. He almost died the first night, but with a lot of medical intervention, he pulled through. The damage was extensive - he has the mentality of a pre-teen, and has been in a nursing home almost since the beginning of this. At first, my friend said she would stay by his side forever, thru thick and thin, no matter what happened.
Now, she is lonely and wants male companionship. She is young - mid 30's (as is her husband). They have 4 girls, aged 17 thru 5. The oldest understands, and sympathizes with her Mom, as do I, but we are the only ones. She has been considering a divorce for about 6 months, but can't move beyond the guilt she has over doing so. Her husband's condition will never change - he knows she is his wife, but the whole concept of a husband-wife relationship is lost to his mind. They have family visits often. His family is strongly against her ending the marriage, as are most of our other friends. How would you feel if this was the choice your friend had in front if her? What would your advice be?

That is a tough one.

My focus of my life would be my kids however going on without companionship for most of your life is not realistic either.

Why are the friends against it? Is there some extenuating circumstances here?

 

[kirstenb1]

I had a co-worker with a similar situation. She eventually did divorce him, but fortunately had the complete support of his family. I think if the injured spouse were healthy and of sound mind, would they really want to hold the other spouse back?

 

[Piglets Mommy]

Wow. What a tough situation. I can really see both sides here. I totally understand how she would be lonely and need a companion and a partner. On the other hand, marriage vows state "For Better or worse, in sickness and in health and for richer or poorer." Then again, people break marriage vows all the time, and over much less than this. I think the best thing that you can do is be there for your friend no matter what she decides.

 

[disneyfans95]

How horrible to leave your husband or wife like that!!

Sorry but your SO did not ask for the injury. What if he was paralized and could not perform in the bedroom? So she should divorce him in that case?

Sorry but you stick it out.

 

[Scurvy]

I could not give advice to anyone about this kind of thing. It's a very personal choice. I imagine it's horrible for her. That said, I don't believe I personally could go through with a divorce in her situation. I vowed "in sickness and in health" and meant it, and for me this kind of thing would fall under "sickness". She may not have made that vow, or she might interpret it differently, or she might not mind ignoring it. I don't think I could bring myself to break that vow in a situation like hers. I couldn't be happy with myself or someone else if I did. It might not be "happily ever after" but that isn't what I signed up for. I signed on for the good and the bad. I imagine I'd try to fill my life with good friends and enjoy their companionship. I'd just do without romance. It may not be the ideal way to live, but plenty of people manage it.

I know it must be terrible, though, and she's lucky to have a friend who wants to help her through this. I imagine she needs all the support she can get.

 

[ccgirl]

Very tough decision. I will say that I have never been in her shoes but I take my wedding vows EXTREMELY seriously. I may get flamed but I vowed to stick with him for better or worse in sickness or health. I can definitely see why the younger ones have a problem with it. It is like saying, stay married as long as it is easy. IDK..it is really tough. As a friend, I would support her with whatever she decides.

 

[Deb in IA]

I agree that it is a personal choice.

For me, I made a solemn vow to my husband "in sickness and in health, til death do us part", and I will honor that.

 

[Rora]

I couldn't imagine a more tough decision.

Honestly, I don't know what I'd say or do. Part of me feels that she should divorce him because although he is her 'husband', he really isn't anymore-- meaning, they will never have a husband and wife relationship ever again.

On the other hand, I don't think she should leave him because she IS his wife. He hasn't done anything wrong, and those vows are pretty cut and dry.

Again, I couldn't imagine how hard this must be. Best advice: just support her in whatever she chooses. Let her talk, think outloud, cry, etc. s to you and her.

 

[NikitaZee]

Thanks guys. His family is against divorce no matter what - they absolutely believe that 'for better or worse' is the rule. Also, I think they are secretly afraid that she will move on and their son would mean less in her life (I don't think that would happen, but who knows what would happen 10 years from now?) As for our friends, one couple can't accept that he will never re-gain what he once had mentally, while I suspect another friend is imagining herself being the one left behind and can't condone it. It is so very sad all the way around.

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

That is a tough one. I too have married the love of my life and can't imagine a life without him. So for me there is no way I would divorce him. BUT THAT IS ME! I don't judge others, everyone has their own story and issues. If that is what she wants, then she needs to find a way to make peace with her children. Until all the daughters are on board, I would not recommend divorce. As far as the rest of the family goes, I wouldn't worry about convincing them. I would be more worried about the daughters, and their well being.

You are a great friend to support her through this very difficult time.

 

[dzorn]

I cannot imagine having to make that choice.

I promised till death do us part.

Denise in MI

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks guys. His family is against divorce no matter what - they absolutely believe that 'for better or worse' is the rule. Also, I think they are secretly afraid that she will move on and their son would mean less in her life (I don't think that would happen, but who knows what would happen 10 years from now?) As for our friends, one couple can't accept that he will never re-gain what he once had mentally, while I suspect another friend is imagining herself being the one left behind and can't condone it. It is so very sad all the way around.

The parents are correct. If she does divorce him she will break away from him. That is pretty obvious there.

Does the husband "know" they are married with children? Is his memory intact or how much brain damage does he have?

Like if she divorces him will he be devastated or will he not understand what is going on?

 

[NikitaZee]

The parents are correct. If she does divorce him she will break away from him. That is pretty obvious there.

Does the husband "know" they are married with children? Is his memory intact or how much brain damage does he have?

Like if she divorces him will he be devastated or will he not understand what is going on?

He knows they are 'married', but forgets what married means. He knows he has children, but they are more like friends or peers in his mind than his offspring. He has short term memory issues, he is happy to see them but not sad when they leave, if that makes sense.

 

[rie'smom]

I'm with the "in sickness and in health til death do us part" gang. While I can certainly feel for your friend, I believe in my vows.

 

[Hannathy]

I couldn't divorce him. IMO that isn't right he didn't ask to be sick, would she want him to leave her if she got cancer or MS or some other illness?

Now I would have no problem with her getting on with her life and going out with friends, traveling, etc.

The family is right in my experience if she remarries she will loose interest in him and he will become an afterthought to be visited on holidays or occasionally. It is inevitable, and what about the youngest? will she really keep them in their lives as much if there is another Dad in the picture? I would be upset if I was his family also, they are hurting and grieving and now his wife is dumping him and taking the kids away. They have to be heartbroken.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

It's so easy to sit here in our nice comfortable living rooms to say that she is a horrible person and should honor her vows. But have any of us ever been faced with such a hard decision?

It's not like the man got hurt yesterday. It sounds like she has already stuck by him for quite a long time and intends to. But it also sounds like she is very lonely and not getting a lot of support.

Sitting next to my husband right now I can't imagine making the decision that it sounds like she is trying to make, but I also can't imagine what it must be like to go through that. All I can say is that if it were me in that bed, I would want my husband to find happiness, even if that meant without me.