A question for parents of teens...

[Magpie]

Why, yes, of course we "practice" But, this is not something that our church teaches us, even in the realm of marriage ministry! Sounds like something better left for marriage counselors or therapists.

When I asked the question, though, I meant do they encourage KIDS to practice? I mean, do they encourage kids, teens if you will, if they make the choice to be sexually active, to follow through with their choice? Just how much input from your church program goes into the teens' decision making process??

We don't "encourage" sex. We NEVER tell kids to go out and just do it. We give our kids the information and tools to make their own choices. We talk to them extensively about risks and risk-management. We talk to them about the things they will be feeling as they grow up, and under what circumstances they may find themselves wanting to have sex. And we teach them about the difference between a biological urge, and a deliberate intellectual decision that balances risks and rewards.

We also let them know that it's always their choice. No one has the right to pressure them into sex before they are ready.

For what it is worth...I truly believe it is up to parents to discuss birth control and protection from disease with their kids, regardless of what their views on premarital sex are. I don't want my kids' Sunday School teachers giving them these options. Nor do I really want the public schools involved, although they are and there is nothing I can do about it. I totally get that some kids don't get this kind of instruction at home, but I don't think it should be the responsibility of anyone but the parents.

Regular Sunday school teachers don't teach OWL. OWL leaders have to go through specialized training.

Also, we will not accept a child into our program unless the parents also commit to supporting their learning. All of our parents have to attend multiple information sessions, and be on the e-mail list. OWL is intended to be a partnership between the church and the home, with parents talking to their children after each class, and sharing their personal views on the topics being discussed that week.

 

[NHdisneylover]

My thoughts exactly. If another group -- perhaps the Boys & Girls Club -- was offering this program, it'd be a different story. That club isn't a church. Running it through a church certainly implies that it's Bible-based, and Christian or not I bet no one here's in favor of misleading people.

Seriously, with all of the tons of variety out there is what various denominations in our country believe and support you are going to say that a church which does something quite differently than yours is deceiving people As Magpie explained, this is a program in which ALL parents of kids who attend are made well aware of the contents. No one is being deceived at all (unless they work very hard at not listening to and reading everything that comes there way).

Honestly I probably would not want my child going to your Sunday school and you would not yours going to mine. No problem. No one is trying to deceive anyone (in OWL anyway--I assume not in your church's programs either) though (a huge part of the program is geared towards parents too).

I read something recently from our local health department saying that TEENAGERS are the fastest-growing group of HIV-positive people. Also, the article discussed the most common way people learn they have HIV: A young woman goes to the OB/GYN with her first pregnancy, expecting to discuss details about a safe and healthy pregnancy . . . and instead her initial bloodwork shows her something she didn't see coming. Bad stuff is out there, and regardless of how you feel about sexual activity before marriage, this is scary enough to make an adult stop and pause.

Oh I totally believe that. SO many teens really aren't well educated in how to percent STDs--or even in how prevalent they are or what they might catch if they are not careful. The vast majority of them only think in terms of preventing pregnancy (gosh you even see that attitude among adults on the DIS--not wanting a pregnant kid id more often than not the first reason people give for worrying about teen sex; STDs are still not on the radar, or not as strongly so even for many adults). Couple that ignorance, with the attitude among many teens that they are invincible and then add in others who refuse to be ready "just in case" to protect themselves because they believe they are going to wait and then get caught up in the moment and do it anyway, and it is a perfect storm for diseases to breed in.

It just seems that our ideas of how to protect teens from the possibility of contracting STDs vary. With the many, many things which can be safe and enjoyable when handled correctly and dangerous when not (whether that be sex, driving a car, alcohol consumption, or what have you) MY belief is that the best way to handle it is to teach the teenager how to safely enjoy that thing, rather than trust they will always have the self control to 100% avoid it just to be on the safe side.

 

[Shmily1]

No matter what you teach your children, they will do what they want when you are not looking. I had taught DS and DD about all aspects from abstinence to using protection so that they would be able to make good decisions. DD had BC but was so sick from it that she weighed only 84 lbs and had an appt to get more BC. DD19 was 7 months pregnant when she graduated high school. She missed the senior cruise and wondered why she couldn't go. She didn't understand that she couldn't go because the doctor wouldn't let her. DGS is now 15 months old and no, I wouldn't call him an "unpleasant surprise".

 

[Momvic5]

No matter what you teach your children, they will do what they want when you are not looking. I had taught DS and DD about all aspects from abstinence to using protection so that they would be able to make good decisions. DD had BC but was so sick from it that she weighed only 84 lbs and had an appt to get more BC. DD19 was 7 months pregnant when she graduated high school. She missed the senior cruise and wondered why she couldn't go. She didn't understand that she couldn't go because the doctor wouldn't let her. DGS is now 15 months old and no, I wouldn't call him an "unpleasant surprise".

I think you are right. We try to give our children as much knowledge as we can to help them make the right choices and protect them, but ultimately, we have no control over somethings. It seems that teens today know way more about sex, pregnancy, and STDs than any of us ever knew, but they still walk around with the idea that it will not happen to them. Most teens have the knowledge, but they don't apply it especially when it comes to impulsive decisions. My sweet friend is dealing with this now...she and her dd16 have had every conversation thinkable ranging from abstinence to every type of birth control and protection against STDs available. My friend is very open to the idea of sex(as she had her dd when she was 18) and has equipped her dd with everything she can to help her daughter make informed choices and to keep her safe. A month ago, they found out she has a type of herpes. When asked why they didn't use the protection she was given, the dd16 replied, "We did use it most of the time".

 

[Acklander]

I'm curious for those of you who believe in premarital sex....

If your 15 year old daughter (or son) told you they were IN LOVE with someone and were going to have sex with them....you'd be OK with that??

I wonder, because how many 15 year olds think that they are in LOVE with their boyfriend/girlfriend, and then break up six months later. If you give them your blessing to have sexual relations, they have just given a very important piece of themselves to that other person, who they no longer "love". Would it be OK with you if your child then lived with regret?

Just curious....

I can't speak for my kids, because what they choose to do as far as sex is their choice and their business, but - from my own experience. The first person I had sex with is not the person I ended up married to. Yes, I was in "love" with him at the time we had sex, and about a year later I was no longer in "love" with him. The fact that we didn't remain in love didn't take away from the special time we had together and how precious that was to us. Also, once I did decide to get married - the fact that I had previous lovers - didn't take anything away from the love my husband and I have for each other.

I don't tell my sons they HAVE to have sex before they get married; I don't tell my sons they SHOULDN'T have sex before they get married. It's not my place to run their sex lives. Only they and their partner can make that choice. My job is to make sure that they understand the responsibilities that go along with being sexually active - the rest is up to them.

 

[MrsPete]

Seriously, with all of the tons of variety out there is what various denominations in our country believe and support you are going to say that a church which does something quite differently than yours is deceiving people As Magpie explained, this is a program in which ALL parents of kids who attend are made well aware of the contents. No one is being deceived at all (unless they work very hard at not listening to and reading everything that comes there way).

I know that some people refuse to let their kids take part in sex ed classes at school, and they purposefully seek out church-run sex-ed programs (why they don't just talk to their kids themselves, I don't know, but it's something we hear all the time at school). Until just one post ago we didn't know that parents were a part of this program -- if that weren't true, people could easily send their kids in expecting one thing and getting quite another.

A month ago, they found out she has a type of herpes. When asked why they didn't use the protection she was given, the dd16 replied, "We did use it most of the time".

I suspect that's quite a common story. It's also proof positive that the girl wasn't mature enough for sex -- not if she didn't grasp the importance of protecting herself each and every time.

 

[Alesia]

I suspect that's quite a common story. It's also proof positive that the girl wasn't mature enough for sex -- not if she didn't grasp the importance of protecting herself each and every time.

Correct, but she was having it anyway.

The fact of the matter is that children don't ask their parents' permission before they become sexually active. That's why it's so important to arm your children with facts and the self respect they need to make wise choices.

Anyone who sticks their head in the sand and refuses to discuss these very important things with their children because they want them to wait is playing Russian roulette with their childrens' futures.

 

[Magpie]

I know that some people refuse to let their kids take part in sex ed classes at school, and they purposefully seek out church-run sex-ed programs (why they don't just talk to their kids themselves, I don't know, but it's something we hear all the time at school). Until just one post ago we didn't know that parents were a part of this program -- if that weren't true, people could easily send their kids in expecting one thing and getting quite another.

It's hard to explain the entire program in this format without writing posts that go on for miles. However, there's lots of info on the Unitarian/Universalist OWL program online. Feel free to google it.

I would sincerely hope that ANY church program would involve parents. Without good communication with the parents, "expecting one thing and getting quite another" is guaranteed to happen, no matter what kind of program it is.

"Our program is biblically based" is not nearly enough to make an informed choice on whether or not to enroll your child!

 

[disneychrista]

If your 15 year old daughter (or son) told you they were IN LOVE with someone and were going to have sex with them....you'd be OK with that??

I don't know if I would be okay with it but I would sure arm her with the birth control and condoms. Because if she is talking to me about it there is more than a chance that she has already done it or will be so very soon. I would rather she has the proper percautions that to make me a grandma.

 

[Momvic5]

. I suspect that's quite a common story. It's also proof positive that the girl wasn't mature enough for sex -- not if she didn't grasp the importance of protecting herself each and every time.

She is not mature enough, and it is so sad because she is and was educated with all the facts and even had the means to protect herself, but like many teens, she didn't apply that knowledge to herself. She is a great kid with good grades and responsible behavior, but she is still a kid. Most teens are not in the dark about sex anymore...they just don't always make the right choices concerning themselves. Their bodies are ready for sex, but their emotions and mental mind sets are still maturing. There was a thread not too long ago about asking your potential partner for a Dr.'s report to show proof of "clean health"....that thread was very informative as to what our teens are having to consider.

 

[mhsjax]

Correct, but she was having it anyway.

The fact of the matter is that children don't ask their parents' permission before they become sexually active. That's why it's so important to arm your children with facts and the self respect they need to make wise choices.

Anyone who sticks their head in the sand and refuses to discuss these very important things with their children because they want them to wait is playing Russian roulette with their childrens' futures.

I agree, BUT...... Just because a parent wants their child to wait, doesn't mean that we aren't explaining things to them. I have given my son all the details including all the disgusting pics I can find of STD's. I want him to see the ugly side of sex. The ones that most people don't want to deal with Yep, I want him to see what his boys may look like if he plays around without being extremely careful. I also plan on doing the same for DD in the next year. I want mine to know that it isn't all pretty and hot and heavy and ok as long as you love someone, I want them to physically see what it can look like. I also tell them that these days, STDs can kill and can cause infertility, all just because you thought you couldn't control yourself.

Yep pretty much use scare tatics, along with good solid information. They also get great info at school. I figure between me and the school, we pretty much have it covered.

 

[mhsjax]

She is not mature enough, and it is so sad because she is and was educated with all the facts and even had the means to protect herself, but like many teens, she didn't apply that knowledge to herself. She is a great kid with good grades and responsible behavior, but she is still a kid. Most teens are not in the dark about sex anymore...they just don't always make the right choices concerning themselves. Their bodies are ready for sex, but their emotions and mental mind sets are still maturing. There was a thread not too long ago about asking your potential partner for a Dr.'s report to show proof of "clean health"....that thread was very informative as to what our teens are having to consider.

NOt to mention, how do we know what the person with the Dr's report of good health did last night? I mean really, kids well most kids ,don't care about STDs and babies, they are teens, they don't think anything will happen. Their brain isn't mature enough to handle it. So in my long winded way, I agree with you.

 

[Magpie]

Correct, but she was having it anyway.

The fact of the matter is that children don't ask their parents' permission before they become sexually active. That's why it's so important to arm your children with facts and the self respect they need to make wise choices.

Anyone who sticks their head in the sand and refuses to discuss these very important things with their children because they want them to wait is playing Russian roulette with their childrens' futures.

I have a relative who was brought up some 60 years ago in a "tell them nothing, never mention it, don't even let them SEE a male naked" household. She had no idea what sex was, and no idea what was happening the first time a boy had sex with her in the woods behind her parents house. And she was young!

I don't want my daughter to ever be in a position where she's completely unable to protect herself, due to her own ignorance.

If my daughter or son someday make a foolish decision, at least it'll be their decision to make. Ideally, of course, they'll wait until they're adults and only have sex responsibly, inside of a committed relationship. (That's what I did!)

 

[NHdisneylover]

I know that some people refuse to let their kids take part in sex ed classes at school, and they purposefully seek out church-run sex-ed programs (why they don't just talk to their kids themselves, I don't know, but it's something we hear all the time at school). Until just one post ago we didn't know that parents were a part of this program -- if that weren't true, people could easily send their kids in expecting one thing and getting quite another. I suspect that's quite a common story. It's also proof positive that the girl wasn't mature enough for sex -- not if she didn't grasp the importance of protecting herself each and every time.

Okay. Well, I just cannot imagine people sending their children off for sex education at a church if they had never even been to a sermon there--and that is pretty much all it would take at most UU churches to get a feel for them being different and knowing not everything about them is biblically based.
I guess I would never assume that what a church offers its members and visitors is designed to to deceive them. I have a better opinion of churches than that (even ones whose dogma I totally disagree with).

 

[Momvic5]

NOt to mention, how do we know what the person with the Dr's report of good health did last night? I mean really, kids well most kids ,don't care about STDs and babies, they are teens, they don't think anything will happen. Their brain isn't mature enough to handle it. So in my long winded way, I agree with you.

I had the same thought....can you imagine the look on many parents' faces when their teens ask them for cash for an up-to-date Dr.'s report?! Your first thought is that it is kind of comical, but then you realize it is not funny at all.

 

[mhsjax]

I had the same thought....can you imagine the look on many parents' faces when their teens ask them for cash for an up-to-date Dr.'s report?! Your first thought is that it is kind of comical, but then you realize it is not funny at all.

Yep. It really is sad. I just don't get it. I was always in a hurry to grow up, I wanted to be an adult. I didn't want to be a parent or get VD, (about all you had back then). I guess as much as my hormones were raging, I refused to have sex until much later, in fact my BF broke up with me over it, Bid deal. I told him where he could stick it, and it wasn't in me. I hope my DD and DS has the same self respect that I had, I just refused to give in to some guy or my body. I wasn't ready to deal with the consequences. And I did realize that there could be consequences.

 

[N&B'smom]

I don't believe in abstinence before marriage either.

Do you believe in it AFTER?

I agree with the poster that said abstinence until marriage would be ideal.

I'm with you OP!

 

[Colleen27]

Until just one post ago we didn't know that parents were a part of this program -- if that weren't true, people could easily send their kids in expecting one thing and getting quite another

If they were, that would be their mistake. Anyone who would send a child to a sex ed program without first becoming familiar with the organization hosting/sponsoring the class has no right to complain if the content turns out to be not what they expected. And anyone who attends a UU church, even casually, wouldn't be expecting a strictly Biblical program.

 

[beattyfamily]

I agree with you, OP.

 

[Pigeon]

I know that some people refuse to let their kids take part in sex ed classes at school, and they purposefully seek out church-run sex-ed programs (why they don't just talk to their kids themselves, I don't know, but it's something we hear all the time at school). Until just one post ago we didn't know that parents were a part of this program -- if that weren't true, people could easily send their kids in expecting one thing and getting quite another. I suspect that's quite a common story.

Our Unitarian Universalist congregation doesn't sign up random strange children for OWL. The parents have to attend several meetings and preview all the material, even if they've had an older child go through the program. Our younger dd is attending one class that our older daughter had a couple of years ago, but still, we had to preview the whole thing all over again. There is no chance that any parent would be surprised that their children are going to be exposed to frank, open, and honest information.

And while your church may be "bible-based," there are plenty of congregations and denominations that are not. You may not wish to believe it, but it is certainly true.