A question for parents of teens...

[LisaNJ25]

I have an 18yo son and haven't had to deal with it yet. He hasnt started dating yet.. although I am sure that will change at any point. He has been a late bloomer which is fine with me

I had him 6 weeks after my 18th birthday. He knows how hard it is having a child to young so I have drilled that into his head. Plus his younger brother and sisters are a daily reminder of why birth control is a must at all times.

I am not unrealistic.. I don't expect for him to save himself for marriage. I can just hope that when the time comes he acts very responsible and protects himself.

 

[Kat77]

A tangentially related issue this thread brought into my mind: what if your child turns out to be gay and does not reside in one of precious few states they can legally marry in? Does everyone who objects to sex out of marriage also object to homosexuality, or are some of you willing to make exceptions in this case?

OMG.. you crack me up! I can't resist...
They should exert their ever amazing ability for self control and choose never to act on their desires. Ever.
I really have heard this statement many times. There are many who believe they should abstain completely for life.

 

[Hannathy]

A tangentially related issue this thread brought into my mind: what if your child turns out to be gay and does not reside in one of precious few states they can legally marry in? Does everyone who objects to sex out of marriage also object to homosexuality, or are some of you willing to make exceptions in this case?

I think the answer to that is pretty obvious if they are going to live according to the bible literally, The bible makes it pretty clear how it feels about that act!

But it is a good question.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think the answer to that is pretty obvious if they are going to live according to the bible literally, The bible makes it pretty clear how it feels about that act!

But it is a good question.

Several people indicated they do not follow all of the bible literally (things like covering hair and eating pork, etc) so I am genuinely curious where some people fall on this scale. Would you (obviously a general you and not YOU) truly want to see your child deprive themselves of ever having sexual intimacy with anybody in their lifetime because of who they fell in love with not jiving with what you feel the bible wants for them?

 

[Hannathy]

Several people indicated they do not follow all of the bible literally (things like covering hair and eating pork, etc) so I am genuinely curious where some people fall on this scale. Would you (obviously a general you and not YOU) truly want to see your child deprive themselves of ever having sexual intimacy with anybody in their lifetime because of who they fell in love with not jiving with what you feel the bible wants for them?

But those who state they don't follow it literally still said they strictly follow it's teachings that include no sex without marriage. and The bible is very clear in it's teachings that it is against Gay relationships.

Hope this isn't to far into Religion for the boards, but it is being used as why no sex before marriage

 

[Magpie]

Having never heard of this OWL program that you speak of, I'm curious. What ages is it designed for?

All ages. There's a kindergarten/first grade OWL class, that is a basic introduction to "you and your body". And it goes all the way up through grade 5 and high school to OWL for Senior Citizens (though not all churches offer all programs, due to size and demand).

And does the program really encourage "practice"?

Yes, within a committed relationship, of course. I mean, I practice improving my skills all the time with my husband, don't you?

You can't just decide, "I know everything!" and settle into a rut for the rest of your life, right? It's all about being a life-long learner.

Our church (Christian-Presbyterian) does a sex program for 6-8 grades, but it is abstinence based, which is my comfort level. We have had parents in the past, however, who are not comfortable with the abstinence approach, and have pulled their kids from that particular program. Likewise, I know for a fact that if we didn't encourage abstinence, we'd have many many angry parents.

Abstinence is a choice, and we do present it as a very good choice. Many of our kids have chosen to abstain until an older age, which is awesome. However, our view is that when abstinence is paired with ignorance, kids can get hurt.

IMHO, a Christian church should be giving kids Bible based information . If parents have differing views, they need to share those with their kids.

I did catch that you are not a Christian church...which is why I guess your teachings are not Bible-based.

Well, many of our congregation do consider us a Christian church. But your mileage may vary.

 

[mhsjax]

Read below - she said if her mom had given her any advice BEYOND how to use birthday & hot to not catch a disease. It sounds like she did talk to her mom about these things, just not about "the act".

Sorry, my bad.

 

[mhsjax]

I am not sure about stats, but I think having sex with properly used protection, with a committed partner and both partners having been recently tested carries lower risk of death )from contracting AIDS) than driving across town. Do you allow your kids to ride in cars? Drive when of age (and proving they have learned safety rules by getting a DL)?
I totally respect having moral issues about sex before marriage (though it is not my stance) and I absolutely think it is critical that all young people be educated in how to properly protect themselves from disease, but I think saying you should never have sex outside of marriage because it is otherwise too deadly is awfully sensationalist.

A tangentially related issue this thread brought into my mind: what if your child turns out to be gay and does not reside in one of precious few states they can legally marry in? Does everyone who objects to sex out of marriage also object to homosexuality, or are some of you willing to make exceptions in this case?

Where did I say having sex outside of marriage is too deadly.

 

[marcyinPA]

All ages. There's a kindergarten/first grade OWL class, that is a basic introduction to "you and your body". And it goes all the way up through grade 5 and high school to OWL for Senior Citizens (though not all churches offer all programs, due to size and demand).



Yes, within a committed relationship, of course. I mean, I practice improving my skills all the time with my husband, don't you?

You can't just decide, "I know everything!" and settle into a rut for the rest of your life, right? It's all about being a life-long learner.

Why, yes, of course we "practice" But, this is not something that our church teaches us, even in the realm of marriage ministry! Sounds like something better left for marriage counselors or therapists.

When I asked the question, though, I meant do they encourage KIDS to practice? I mean, do they encourage kids, teens if you will, if they make the choice to be sexually active, to follow through with their choice? Just how much input from your church program goes into the teens' decision making process??

For what it is worth...I truly believe it is up to parents to discuss birth control and protection from disease with their kids, regardless of what their views on premarital sex are. I don't want my kids' Sunday School teachers giving them these options. Nor do I really want the public schools involved, although they are and there is nothing I can do about it. I totally get that some kids don't get this kind of instruction at home, but I don't think it should be the responsibility of anyone but the parents.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Where did I say having sex outside of marriage is too deadly.

That is what I take from this:
"sorry but sowing a few wild oats isn't worth the possibility of dying"--one could just as easily say "sorry but getting across town in the car is not worth the possibility of dying" (and quite honestly the VAST majority of driving we do is not essential--we do not have to participate in sports or other activities; we do so because they enrich our lives, but we often have to risk our lives just to get to these things. Same goes for meals out, shopping beyond the closest store which as essentials, seeing a movie, going to a museum or on vacation ,etc). You do your best to minimize the risks (wear a seatbelt, buy a car with airbags, maintain it well and drive carefully) and then take those risks anyway becuase the benefit of enriching your life is worth more to you than the risks. The same can be true for sex. Not that I would ever advocate "sewing wild oats" as a reason to have sex. Wanting that closeness and intimacy with someone you are, in that point in your life, in love with--yep, that is a valid reason TO ME.

 

[marcyinPA]

Sorry, my bad.

Haha...I read it the way you read it at first too! I had to go back and re-read it!!

 

[marcyinPA]

I'm curious for those of you who believe in premarital sex....

If your 15 year old daughter (or son) told you they were IN LOVE with someone and were going to have sex with them....you'd be OK with that??

I wonder, because how many 15 year olds think that they are in LOVE with their boyfriend/girlfriend, and then break up six months later. If you give them your blessing to have sexual relations, they have just given a very important piece of themselves to that other person, who they no longer "love". Would it be OK with you if your child then lived with regret?

Just curious....

 

[mhsjax]

That is what I take from this:
"sorry but sowing a few wild oats isn't worth the possibility of dying"--one could just as easily say "sorry but getting across town in the car is not worth the possibility of dying" (and quite honestly the VAST majority of driving we do is not essential--we do not have to participate in sports or other activities; we do so because they enrich our lives, but we often have to risk our lives just to get to these things. Same goes for meals out, shopping beyond the closest store which as essentials, seeing a movie, going to a museum or on vacation ,etc). You do your best to minimize the risks (wear a seatbelt, buy a car with airbags, maintain it well and drive carefully) and then take those risks anyway becuase the benefit of enriching your life is worth more to you than the risks. The same can be true for sex. Not that I would ever advocate "sewing wild oats" as a reason to have sex. Wanting that closeness and intimacy with someone you are, in that point in your life, in love with--yep, that is a valid reason TO ME.

The person I was quoting used that term. In that post, to me, it sounded like you should go and just have at it, because after you are married, you will have a mid life crisis if you don't. I also never said that you had to be married, I said I hope my kids are in a very committed relationship.

Now if you can show me where I said that you shouldn't have sex with someone that you are in love with, I will admit I was wrong, but I don't think I ever said that. Just looked up the phrase sowing wild oats, as the pp used first not me. It state having multiple sexual encounters. Well if you are ok with your kids having multiple sexual encounters fine, I am not.

 

[NHdisneylover]

The person I was quoting used that term. In that post, to me, it sounded like you should go and just have at it, because after you are married, you will have a mid life crisis if you don't. I also never said that you had to be married, I said I hope my kids are in a very committed relationship.

Now if you can show me where I said that you shouldn't have sex with someone that you are in love with, I will admit I was wrong, but I don't think I ever said that.

Sorry if I misunderstood you--I took you saying that you "had the same views" to mean you felt the same way., SO, to be clear, you do not believe that it is too dangerous for a person to, over a lifetime, have a few sexual partners: more than only the person they end up married to? If so, I guess we are on the same page and just expressing it differently.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I'm curious for those of you who believe in premarital sex....

If your 15 year old daughter (or son) told you they were IN LOVE with someone and were going to have sex with them....you'd be OK with that??

I wonder, because how many 15 year olds think that they are in LOVE with their boyfriend/girlfriend, and then break up six months later. If you give them your blessing to have sexual relations, they have just given a very important piece of themselves to that other person, who they no longer "love". Would it be OK with you if your child then lived with regret?

Just curious....

Some kids are mature enough at that age, others not so much.
I was 16. I was "in love" at the time and it lasted about 6 months--a good 4 before we had sex. It was a true love, but not of the lasting form. I think most people experience love in a more fleeting form before they really figure things out and find the long term deal. I shared a lot with that boy--and sex was not more intimate that some of the conversations we had. I don't regret anything about that relationship. He introduced me to the ballet and chicken kiev too (and I still enjoy both of those things without him as well).

SO, yes, if my child were otherwise mature enough to handle the issues going along with sex at 15, I would be okay with the scenario you describe. What I wouldn't want was for her to mistake that temporary love for the long term thing and rush into getting married. That would bother me a lot.

 

[mhsjax]

Sorry if I misunderstood you--I took you saying that, in a debate about whether or not premarital sex is okay with you, to mean that you personally feel it is too risky and likely to lead to a deadly disease. I did not see that you were quoting someone else with that statement--even rereading it I do not notice quotation marks. Please forgive my failure to out every post together and remember who said what. SO, to be clear, you do not believe that it is too dangerous for a person to, over a lifetime, have a few sexual partners: more than only the person they end up married to? If so, I guess we are on the same page and just expressing it differently.

The term sowing wild oats is a term I quoted, however, I do feel that it is too risky to sow wild oats and yes that can lead to a deadly disease. Now I don't think that having different partners over a lifetime will necessarily cause a STD but it will increase your chances. But sowing wild oats to me signifies going out and just getting it on with who ever you find attractive at the moment, and that is dangerous.

I still do take issue with the pp that pretty much assumes I settled because I haven't had more than one partner, but hey, I met him at 17 and been together ever sense. I was too scared in high school to have sex, no way I was getting preggers, I saw too many girls who were, and that aint for me, I had big plans. So in my situation, yes only one partner for me, but for others I realize that this may not be the case. I still do stand by my statement that I hope my kids are in a committed relationship at the very least.

Also my problem is with teenagers, very few have the mind set to think about protection, teenagers think nothing will ever happen, they don't have the maturity to deal with sex, IMHO. I saw many 17 and 18 year olds coming into our office with HPV, I know the Dr I worked for was very upset about the amount of STD's he was seeing in young girls.

 

[Jennasis]

I'm curious for those of you who believe in premarital sex....

If your 15 year old daughter (or son) told you they were IN LOVE with someone and were going to have sex with them....you'd be OK with that??

I wonder, because how many 15 year olds think that they are in LOVE with their boyfriend/girlfriend, and then break up six months later. If you give them your blessing to have sexual relations, they have just given a very important piece of themselves to that other person, who they no longer "love". Would it be OK with you if your child then lived with regret?

Just curious....

I do not have kids (but I was one, once). I did not, and can't imagine any kid (or adult!) would ever seek their parents blessing to have sex.

There are two schools of thought on the subject, yes? Those who say they don't believe in pre-marital sex and those that do. Neither is wrong or right. It's a personal choice.

When I was a teen, I didn't give a shiny rat's patoot what my parent's thoughts were on the matter of my sex life.

 

[MrsPete]

If your child is average then I think it is bad parenting. Sex education should be more than just pregnancy and STD prevention. It should also be about sex.

Just like everything else, knowledge is key.

And if you chose to be ok with just average, good for you. I refuse to settle.

Bad parenting makes kids into average lovers?
If knowledge is key, then couldn't anyone learn to be better?

I really can't buy into the sexual compatibility thing. If you love the person and the rest of your relationship is great, great sex will follow. No one's said "settle" for anything -- just that more choices aren't always a good thing.

Well, there are people out there that are really good at hiding things.

More than that, I think some women (maybe men too) are so anxious to get married that they overlook signs. In particular, if your parents dislike the potential spouse, that's reason enough to take a good, hard look at him with objective eyes.

mrspete - how can you NOT think the above is an amazing program?

Much of it sounds like things that parents should be teaching their children about life anyway, but I can't support any program that's operating through the church and is in contradiction to the Bible's instructions.

IMHO, a Christian church should be giving kids Bible based information . If parents have differing views, they need to share those with their kids.

I did catch that you are not a Christian church...which is why I guess your teachings are not Bible-based.

My thoughts exactly. If another group -- perhaps the Boys & Girls Club -- was offering this program, it'd be a different story. That club isn't a church. Running it through a church certainly implies that it's Bible-based, and Christian or not I bet no one here's in favor of misleading people.

The term sowing wild oats is a term I quoted, however, I do feel that it is too risky to sow wild oats and yes that can lead to a deadly disease.

I read something recently from our local health department saying that TEENAGERS are the fastest-growing group of HIV-positive people. Also, the article discussed the most common way people learn they have HIV: A young woman goes to the OB/GYN with her first pregnancy, expecting to discuss details about a safe and healthy pregnancy . . . and instead her initial bloodwork shows her something she didn't see coming. Bad stuff is out there, and regardless of how you feel about sexual activity before marriage, this is scary enough to make an adult stop and pause.

 

[Alesia]

I hope that my daughter waits until she is ready. That isn't a decision I can make for her; all I can do is give her the tools to make wise choices.

 

[Colleen27]

I'm curious for those of you who believe in premarital sex....

If your 15 year old daughter (or son) told you they were IN LOVE with someone and were going to have sex with them....you'd be OK with that??

I wonder, because how many 15 year olds think that they are in LOVE with their boyfriend/girlfriend, and then break up six months later. If you give them your blessing to have sexual relations, they have just given a very important piece of themselves to that other person, who they no longer "love". Would it be OK with you if your child then lived with regret?

Just curious....

I hesitate to give a blanket answer, because there's a lot of variation in kids' maturity at that point in life. I was 16 my first time, we absolutely were in love and were together from the time I started high school until we parted ways on good terms when I was 18, and I have no regrets. He's still a dear friend and a special person in my life (and my oldest's godfather), and I can't imagine that part of my life without him. Had one of us felt differently about children/family, we might have ended up married eventually, but I knew I wanted children and he knew (still knows) he doesn't.

But I had a very different childhood than my kids, and had to grow up a lot faster than they are. They're fairly sheltered and "young" for their age, and we're teaching them that sex is an adult activity that brings with it adult responsibilities. I don't think either will be ready at 15; my oldest is 13 and not interested in girls/dating yet.