A question for parents of teens...

[sunnyday123]

My oldest is only 10, so not a parent of a teen yet...but I plan on doing the same as you and encouraging abstinence.

We do not believe in arificial birth control, so we will also not be giving any type of "but if you do choose to have sex, please use a condom" talk either.

What about protection from STD's??

 

[Buckalew11]

Just want to add that when bringing God into this, it isn't about God not wanting people to enjoy sexual activity. It is a law that protects--from an unwanted pregnancy, a broken heart if the relationship ends, protection from disease, future relationship problems of trust/jealousy etc. Like most laws from God, it is really put in place for one's good--not to be a "don't do this", "don't have fun."

 

[Jennasis]

Just want to add that when bringing God into this, it isn't about God not wanting people to enjoy sexual activity. It is a law that protects--from an unwanted pregnancy, a broken heart if the relationship ends, protection from disease, future relationship problems of trust/jealousy etc. Like most laws from God, it is really put in place for one's good--not to be a "don't do this", "don't have fun."

Please...don't go there. The bible is full of "laws" that for our own good, but people like to pick and choose which ones are worth following.

Keeping Kosher is a law in the bible meant to protect. You making sure not to mix dairy and meat? No bacon too, right? Have any tattoos? That's a no no. So is cutting your beard, having a rounded haircut, speaking in church if your a women and on and on.

 

[allison443]

Please...don't go there. The bible is full of "laws" that for our own good, but people like to pick and choose which ones are worth following.

Keeping Kosher is a law in the bible meant to protect. You making sure not to mix dairy and meat? No bacon too, right? Have any tattoos? That's a no no. So is cutting your beard, having a rounded haircut, speaking in church if your a women and on and on.

This reminds me of a book that came out a couple of years ago, They Year of Living Biblically.

http://www.amazon.com/Year-Living-Biblically-Literally-Possible/dp/0743291476

Very interesting. The author followed the literal rules set forth in the Bible for a year.

 

[marcyinPA]

What about protection from STD's??

I agree. What about STD's? I'm a Christian woman, (and I do believe in artificial birth control, btw), but using protection is about way more than birth control these days. You may be teaching your teen your beliefs and they may have the same convictions, but one night, in the heat of the moment.... Things happen. You do your best and hope they will do the right thing, but in reality, you need to be prepared, and so do they.

I truly want my son to wait until marriage, and at 15, he truly wants to also. But sticking my head in the sand and refusing to talk about protection from even disease is not doing him any good at all. I consider myself to be pretty conservative, too. But I'm also realistic.

 

[Colleen27]

I don't believe in staying a virgin until marriage. Sexual urges starts with puberty, around the age of 12. I think it's important to wait until adulthood, which is still many years after being able to concieve a child. My children know that their father and I feel that sex is an adult activity, that children aren't ready for. However, if they get involved with a significant other in college, use protection. I see nothing wrong with a sexual relationship between 2 adults outside of marriage (provided they're not married to other people, of course!).

 

[Colleen27]

I think that you're misinterpreting a few points that have been made. The so-called "test runs" that you are speaking of that have been documented as having higher failure rates are in reference to cohabitation, not sex. You can have relations with someone without living with that person, and it is the living with that has been shown to increase the marriage failure rate.

And even that isn't so clear-cut, as the study that got the most press as "proving" cohabitation increases the odds of divorce failed to control for certain socio-economic variables that influence divorce rates AND measured the longevity of relationships based on the wedding date rather than the date of establishing a joint household. So a married couple that splits after 10 years is considered to have had a longer stable relationship than a cohabitating couple who lived together for 5 years and then stayed married for 8, because only the 8 married years "count" for the couple who lived together before marriage.

 

[Buckalew11]

Please...don't go there. The bible is full of "laws" that for our own good, but people like to pick and choose which ones are worth following.

Keeping Kosher is a law in the bible meant to protect. You making sure not to mix dairy and meat? No bacon too, right? Have any tattoos? That's a no no. So is cutting your beard, having a rounded haircut, speaking in church if your a women and on and on.

Well, I do believe those laws were to "set apart" and to protect the Jewish people, who were chosen by God. I think there were reasons for those Old testament laws.
I'm talking NT, though. And I'm saying that those laws are not to be rules because God doesn't want people to have fun/pleasure, but to protect from a lot of things that can go wrong, that's all.

But gee, I did cut my beard this morning.

 

[Buckalew11]

oh and for the record, while I'd love for DD to wait, I won't assume she will so we've prepared her for taking precautions. I'm another one who doesn't want to raise my grandchildren. If I'd wanted more kids, I'da had them myself.

 

[barkley]

i have mixed feelings on it. it's not so much for me that it should be reserved for marriage, but at the very least-for a committed relationship that is akin to what a married couple share.

that said-i grew up in a town that had 2 dominant religions both of which held fast to the abstinance until marriage practice. at my 5 year high school reunion there were a WHOLE LOT of divorcees in large part because they believed sex only occured in a marriage, and when they experienced their first strong sexual attraction to someone they married them. their marriages were based primarily on sexual attraction, and when the challenges of marriage came up or the sexual attraction waned there was little to keep it from failing (then they went through tons of divorce guilt because that was a no-no too, except for the ones that did "practice marriages" which meant you got married by the j.o.p. which which was good enough to justify having sex, but did'nt get married in the church or temple so it did'nt technicly "count" as far as their churches were concerned).

at the 10 and later reunions many of these divorcees had remarried and were in very stable, satisfying and successfull marriages. many said that not having the whole virginity till marriage idea no longer on the table made them feel as though they could have sexual relationships with potential spouses prior to marriage so it was'nt such a huge rush to the alter and they consequently made better choices.

 

[MrsPete]

While practicality does not determine right from wrong, if the Bible's message on sex before marriage were obeyed, there would be far fewer sexually transmitted diseases, far fewer abortions, far fewer unwed mothers and unwanted pregnancies, and far fewer children growing up without both parents in their lives. Abstinence is God’s only policy when it comes to sex before marriage. Abstinence saves lives, protects babies, gives sexual relations the proper value, and, most importantly, honors God.[/I]

There's really no argument against any of this -- if everyone kept sex within marriage, lots of things would be easier. God made these "rules" to protect us. Don't you think people who are living with herpes (or worse) might wish they could go back and do things a little differently?

I also can't buy the idea of sexual incompatibility /the need to test things out ahead of marriage. It's not rocket science.

When I was in church youth group as a teenager, we were taught that what we consider "marriage" is really a three-pronged event. We tend to think of the marriage ceremony in a church making us "married", but in reality that's not legally binding -- it's a public statement in front of friends and family and it's important to us, but it's the CEREMONIAL MARRIAGE. Obtaining the legal documents from the state makes you LEGALLY MARRIED and gives you certain legal rights. And finally, there's the SEXUAL JOINING, which God sees as a lifetime covenant between husband and wife. I personally don't think it's hugely wrong to put one of these before the other . . . but it's also obvious that any additional sexual activity after that would be adultry. So it's pretty important that IF you're having sex before marriage, you choose the person you're going to end up marrying legally.

Agree or disagree? I don't care. I'm still going to believe what I believe.

We've emphasized to our children that sex during high school is just plain dumb (not that we've said that exactly). They're not emotionally mature enough, they're not ready to handle an unplanned pregnancy, and if they should break up, they're going to be forced to see that former love every day at school. This makes sense to my kids.

We've emphasized to them that it's much better to wait 'til they're married, that they will then have a bond with their spouse that'll go far beyond what they've had with casual boyfriends in the past. But IF they don't choose to wait 'til marriage, they AT LEAST have to wait 'til they're very, very, very sure of their relationship AND they have to approach it in a safe way.

 

[jamimb]

Both myself and my husband waited until we were married to have sex. It is nice knowing that Im the only person he's ever been with in that way and vice versa! Im glad we waited and Im glad we don't have anyone to "compare" each other with so to speak . Im am encouraging my 14 yr old DD to wait as well. Even if I was not a Christian (which I was not by the way when I got married) I would want my girls to at least wait until college!!!

 

[JerseyJanice]

Well, I do believe those laws were to "set apart" and to protect the Jewish people, who were chosen by God. I think there were reasons for those Old testament laws.
I'm talking NT, though. And I'm saying that those laws are not to be rules because God doesn't want people to have fun/pleasure, but to protect from a lot of things that can go wrong, that's all.

But gee, I did cut my beard this morning.

Glad you got rid of your beard, Brenda. It didn't go with your features.

Actually, it is very interesting that Kosher law protected the Jewish people in times before most food preservation techniques became known. Lots of Gentiles died from trichinosis back in the day from eating undercooked pork. The Jews never had that problem, and it's why some of their clans can trace their lineage back to the time of Abraham.

(Sorry to go OT.)

 

[gina2000]

Time and society is against you on this one. Sexual urges start young and in the not-so-distant past lifespans were quite short. So it would behoove most to be married and bedded by the mid teenage years. These days we don't marry until well into our 20s and sometimes 30s. We spend our youth getting educated and financially on our feet. That just didn't happen 100 years ago.

The concept of teenager wasn't explored until after WWII. People went from childhood to adulthood in the blink of an eye. Prolonging innocence just wasn't an option in that world. We've created an artificial bubble linking childhood with adulthood. Hormones don't know that and they rage despite our best efforts to prolong the age of innocence.

So I guess the short answer on abstinence before marriage is: Don't bet on it. Too much history and too many hormones are against you.

 

[aprilgail2]

I don't believe in abstinence till marriage. It would be interesting to see how many parents are like me or like you.

You should do a poll.

I don't either!!!!!

I also think that waiting until marriage is unwise. I think that mature adult relationships that are serious enough for marriage to be considered need to have a sexual compatibility component.

.

I didn't save myself for marriage and don't expect my child to do so either.

I think that physical compatibility is a very important aspect of marriage, and I don't see any way of knowing if you're physically compatible with someone until you experiment with that person.

I agree! I have dated people and have had sex with one or two that I know there was no way I would ever want to marry them and be stuck having sex with them the rest of my life!!!

I'd rather my teens have sex than get married early. I want them to finish college, and live on their own for a while. I would be upset if my kids got married before the age of 25, and even that seems early to me.

Me too- I would be very upset if my daughter got married and did not go to college- or if she got married without having her own place, traveling, living a bit first and setting herself up in a good career that she will be able to support herself in.

 

[mjkacmom]

Time and society is against you on this one. Sexual urges start young and in the not-so-distant past lifespans were quite short. So it would behoove most to be married and bedded by the mid teenage years. These days we don't marry until well into our 20s and sometimes 30s. We spend our youth getting educated and financially on our feet. That just didn't happen 100 years ago.

The concept of teenager wasn't explored until after WWII. People went from childhood to adulthood in the blink of an eye. Prolonging innocence just wasn't an option in that world. We've created an artificial bubble linking childhood with adulthood. Hormones don't know that and they rage despite our best efforts to prolong the age of innocence.

So I guess the short answer on abstinence before marriage is: Don't bet on it. Too much history and too many hormones are against you.

This makes a lot of sense. Not having intercourse as a teen acually goes against our biology. Should people be expected to wait 10+ years after feeling physical desire? I'm just hoping my kids wait 6 or so!

 

[JerseyJanice]

I agree! I have dated people and have had sex with one or two that I know there was no way I would ever want to marry them and be stuck having sex with them the rest of my life!!!

Oh, yeah! I don't think good physical chemistry automatically exists between every man and woman. And really, when you first fall in love, that's when the chemistry is at its peak. If you don't enjoy each madly then, what are the odds you going to after you have children?

I just can't imagine not exploring that part of your relationship with someone who you are going to promise to be intimate with solely for the rest of your life. When you buy a car, you take it for a test drive, right?

 

[Magpie]

We have several generations of folks in our family who lived together before marriage, obviously being sexually active with each other. My husband's dad taught him that marriage is too important to take chances with by marrying someone you don't know really, really well.

Since everyone I knew seemed to be living together, I didn't think twice about moving in with my man. We lived together for 3 years, before he proposed. Now it's been another fifteen years, and it's only getting better.

As for my kids - well, my husband and I are involved with teaching our church's sex ed program and it's very comprehensive, and not at all abstinence-based. In one lesson we actually help the kids rank sexual behaviors on a continuum, with abstinence on one end and intercourse on the other. Then the kids decide together where everything else they can imagine falls in between. For example, a friendly hug. That's pretty close to abstinence. Kissing... that's a little further down the line. Heavy petting. Can we define that? And where does oral sex fit in? Every kid is told that they will have to decide where on the line they want to be, and at what point will they say, "I will go this far, but no further." Some kids may decide to go all the way. That's their choice, but we'll do our best to make sure they have all the information they need to accurately assess the risks.

We talk about sex a lot in our household. Maybe too much! My daughter has decided she's not having sex until she's twenty-five, and my son covers his ears and runs out of the room whenever the topic comes up.

 

[Pigeon]

My parents tried very hard to drum the wait until you're married stuff into our heads. They were extremely catholic.

I don't think any of their six kids waited. If you'd asked my mother, she would have told you that we would all wait. People believe what they want to believe.

I'm not catholic, and I don't place any particular value on virginity. I do place value on waiting until you are emotionally and psychologically prepared for sex, and I place great emphasis on being careful and responsible.

I would not have wanted to be a virgin when I got married, nor is that something I especially want for my kids.

 

[rigs32]

I also can't buy the idea of sexual incompatibility /the need to test things out ahead of marriage. It's not rocket science.

If you have absolutely nothing to compare it to, then I can see your point. You would have no idea if what you're experiencing in your relationship is good, bad, or in the middle.

That said, there are a lot of issues regarding sexual compatability - size (and that applies to both parties), desired frequency, whether or not each party has certain things they refuse to do or even try. Some people might be able to be open and honest and try to work these things out after marriage, but some might feel too embarrassed to talk with their spouse and by then you're already stuck together.